Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't marry me after 28 years

206 replies

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 16:37

Hi. I'm new here.
But my OH says you guys are great on here. I have been with him almost 29 years, since I was 16 and a half. He asked me to marry him when I was 18. (I was going to uni) anyway I came home and we moved in together. Marriage never mentioned. Millennium eve I asked if we were ever going to do it. (After booze and lots of encouragement we set a date) we booked a church and looked at venues But then he wouldn't talk about the wedding so I started to realise that he didn't want to go through with it. So I didn't mention it until a month before we were due to get married. He told me I was forcing him. Anyway on and off over the years he has been yep qe will no we won't. I always wanted to get married before my parents died (they both have now) Not being married never bothered me because we love each other and have 2 great kids together, house is in both our names wills etc. But lately this has been bothering me that we aren't married. But he doesn't ever want to get married and has over the years provided numerous excuses. And even if he asked now I would probably think he would change his mind again. He thinks I'm being unreasonable when I did eventually realise that I wasn't happy with what he had done and told him about it and now can't understand why I am upset but thinks that I should understand his view. I tried to say that I did because we are still together. We had been to a wedding over the weekend and seeing the bride dance with her father upset me because I could never do that. When we chatted about it he said that I should understand how he feels about it and his anxiety. I get that but it's another excuse because I offered to just go us 2 (we'll before the kids were born).
But he gets upset when I say I don't think we will ever get married.
This has turned I to an offload rather than seeking advice. Sorry

OP posts:
AtillatheHun · 08/09/2021 10:49

Unlikely that everything is joint. I find it hard to believe that an accountant doesn’t have ISAs for eg. And is the house held as joint tenants or 50/50 tenants in common? There’s a very major difference. His will can be changed very easily.

LadyEloise1 · 08/09/2021 11:02

It seems an odd question to ask from a man who in the past was vehemently against marriage Hmm
Is he changing his mind and was throwing it out to test the waters as it were ?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 08/09/2021 11:05

Would it help to sit down together and do the sums for each possible scenario?

  1. He dies, you inherit the joint assets, tot up the value of the estate - is IHT payable? How much? What's left? Would you have to sell the house to pay it? Could you take out insurance against that now?
  1. As above, but you die and he inherits.
  1. As 1, but you are married, so no IHT in the picture at all.
  1. As 2, but you are married, so no IHT in the picture at all.

Would that bring it home to him? I know you've said it's not about the money, but frankly I see it as one of the big signs that somebody truly cares about their partner if they want to be sure they will be OK if they are the one to be widowed. All this nonsense about the patriarchal history of marriage, the ceremony being religious etc is just so much flimflam.

Blossomtoes · 08/09/2021 11:08

@AlphabetSoup123

Well I said you could get married at a registry office or do the hotel thing and he wouldn't. He said we can have a civil ceremony and I don't have change my name or even wear a ring if I don't want. So I gracefully declined that stating that I felt like a business proposition not someone he loved
It’s up to you whether you change your name or wear a ring, not him. I wear a ring but didn’t change my name. Why didn’t you just agree when he said that and go and do it?
PersonaNonGarter · 08/09/2021 11:08

It’s not about money though? It’s about his control.

SunshineCake · 08/09/2021 11:59

@mynameisbrian

Tell your OH he is being an arsehole, I was with my DH for 20yrs, promise of marriage which never happened, being told its just a bit of paper. I ensured I continued working, have a pension pot and name on mortgage. He got sick and panicked when he realised it left me and the kids vulnerable, we also got less due to not being married, also issues around next of kin, his parents are a nightmare so I knew i was in a mess if he died without us being married. He also has a property of his own he rents out. We got married in a rush just before major surgery. For me it means I dont have to argue with his parents, he still has a will as you need that when married or not, pension is clear and I can advocate on his behalf if required as i am his named POA if need be. Its only when someone gets ill it sharpens the mind....
Did he do the will after you married as marriage voids one done before.
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 08/09/2021 12:07

Good point, SunshineCake. As I understand it, the position would be:

A makes will - A is not married
A gets married to B, old will now void
A doesn't get round to making a new will
A dies
A's estate would be dealt with under intestacy rules

If A had children:

B gets first £270k of the estate + all personal possessions + half of what's left (if anything)
A's children get the other half

If A had no children, B gets everything.

honeylulu · 08/09/2021 12:46

Did he do the will after you married as marriage voids one done before

A will prepared "in contemplation of marriage" is an exception to the above.

woulducouldushouldu · 08/09/2021 12:51

Work out what the tax bill would be if he died tomorrow that may change his mind

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/09/2021 13:40

@woulducouldushouldu

Work out what the tax bill would be if he died tomorrow that may change his mind
But he must know this already if he's an accountant so that's what makes me think he won't budge on this. But then he said he would do a civil partnership... I don't understand this at all!
EL8888 · 08/09/2021 14:11

Why did he propose originally then if he doesn’t want to get married?! Cynically l think he did that to keep you on a shorter leash. Not helpful l know but it’s also convenient that the children have his surname, why don’t they have your surname or double barelled? It sounds like he has had the benefits of your serious relationship but that doesn’t cut both ways.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 08/09/2021 14:51

We didn't get them double barrelled because he always said we would get married at some point.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/09/2021 14:55

@AlphabetSoup123

We didn't get them double barrelled because he always said we would get married at some point.
So he didn't think marriage was a sexist institution until you had children, they had his last name (on the promise you'd get married) and he had already accumulated more over the years... THEN he realised marriage goes against his values. Wow what a rollercoaster of feminism he's ridden.
Colourmeclear · 08/09/2021 15:00

I'd write a list of all the things he said would happen when you were married, write down all the benefits to you both (IHT, security etc) and then ask him to write down reasons why you shouldn't get married. If he writes anxiety, then he get help with that, seek counseling, you can adjust the wedding etc.

I'd also look into pensions because some pensions (the final salary type) may only pay a pension to a legal spouse not a dependant or restrict the amount of the pension to a spouse who married after they left the company.

I'm recently engaged after ten years and think secretly it's because my fiancee started counseling for anxiety. He's had a bit of a rethink I think. I've no idea how he'll cope on the day but we'll see.

crumpet · 08/09/2021 15:08

How would you feel if he changed his will without your knowledge?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/09/2021 15:13

@AlphabetSoup123

We were on way back from a wedding and I didn't answer because I have been there many times before. Like I have said previously he doesn't want that and to some extent I have accepted that but want him to own the hurt he caused but he can't do that.
He's never going to 'own the hurt' because he thinks the 'hurt' is completely of your own making. He's stated his position and you refuse to just accept it and move on. He sees that (and the attendant emotion) as 'not his problem'.

Plus accepting your 'hurt' means that you just might be the teensiest bit justified and that opens the 'we should get married door' a wee little crack and puts him too much on the defensive.

You're beating your head against a stone wall. It doesn't move the wall one inch and gives you a terrific headache.

leavesthataregreen · 08/09/2021 15:16

He said I don't need a ring and paper to show I love you and am committed to you.
He's wrong. A ring and a piece of paper legally prove his commitment. If it's no big deal, what is he scared of?
It's fine not to want a big wedding or a big fuss made. But to leave you in a precarious situation is unloving, and I'd call him out on it.

H1ppyHa1r · 08/09/2021 15:35

He has made his position clear

If you want marriage, leave & find someone else

Take half of everything

Thatsjustwhatithink · 08/09/2021 16:03

@H1ppyHa1r

He has made his position clear

If you want marriage, leave & find someone else

Take half of everything

She can't take half of everything because they're not married
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/09/2021 16:10

@H1ppyHa1r

He has made his position clear

If you want marriage, leave & find someone else

Take half of everything

She can't though, that's one of the issues with them never having married!
H1ppyHa1r · 08/09/2021 16:14

Op still has the option of walking away

If she has left herself in a financial mess, that is also her choice

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 08/09/2021 16:19

I can and I'm not in a financial mess.

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 08/09/2021 16:22

She can't take half of everything because they're not married

Everything is joint so she can take what is rightfully hers, go to Uni and get her degree and make lots of new friends.

FlowerArranger · 08/09/2021 16:30

@Drinkingallthewine

She can't take half of everything because they're not married

Everything is joint so she can take what is rightfully hers, go to Uni and get her degree and make lots of new friends.

Their respective pensions aren't joint though. I wonder how they compare in value...
H1ppyHa1r · 08/09/2021 16:31

Do you want to be old & say, I wish I had done X, Y, Z

If you want something make your move onwards to a bigger & better life for yourself