He won't let me break up with him!

[Ivy2006]

Help!

I have tried breaking up with my boyfriend approx 6/7 times over the last couple months. However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave! I own my home and he barely pays board so has no right over the property.

We have had a very rocky 2 year relationship as he has major trust issues which I have rebelled to on most occasions. I love him as a person but I want to move on and be by myself because I cannot cope with his insecurities any longer. We've just drifted.

I caught him messaging other women whilst he was drunk which he blames on the alcohol, he demands I come home when I go out with my friends, he accuses me of cheating and he definitely has controlling tendencies. For example, I went out with some work friends which happened to be a late one and I received 4 or 5 calls where he screamed down the phone, called me names and told me I HAD to come home.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. However, every time I try end, it doesn't work. I've really distanced myself the past month. I've stayed at my parents, I've stayed at friends and I've gone out as much as I can to avoid him. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore and I want him to move out, yet he just isn't doing it.

Yesterday we had a chat and I said I don't see a future with him. Initially he got angry and put the blame on me, then he cried and told me he's sorry and we can get through this rough patch. Then he wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened! Why isn't it getting into his head?! Why won't he just let me go?!

Call the police if he won't go. Tmrw is the start of the rest of your life

he didn’t think I was being serious. I’ve changed the locks ready for when he leaves and I’ll be bringing all his stuff to his mums tomorrow so I can finally move on. He’s been crying constantly all day, begging for my forgiveness

OMG. He's still there? IN YOUR HOUSE?

I stand by my statement that you're loving the drama.

And F to all you all who say I don't understand this. The reason I understand this is that I've been with one of these pathetic excuses of a man. And I made my own excuses too.

He won't go tomorrow. You need to get the police involved.

Hope all goes well and that you stay safe.

I would strongly recommend that you have someone with you tomorrow, if possible.

I don't think he is just going to go.

I hope I'm wrong.

His excuse was that he didn’t think I was being serious.

Yeah right.
What he means is, he thought he could wear you down, & not accepting your "no" was perfectly fine so long as he got his own way.

Ugh.

Well done OP. & ta for checking back in to put minds at rest - like another PP, I woke up thinking about "that fucker" this morning ...

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

he didn’t think I was being serious. I’ve changed the locks ready for when he leaves and I’ll be bringing all his stuff to his mums tomorrow so I can finally move on. He’s been crying constantly all day, begging for my forgiveness

OMG. He's still there? IN YOUR HOUSE?

I stand by my statement that you're loving the drama.

And F to all you all who say I don't understand this. The reason I understand this is that I've been with one of these pathetic excuses of a man. And I made my own excuses too.

He won't go tomorrow. You need to get the police involved.

Hope all goes well and that you stay safe.

Ok, so let's say you do understand,

All the more reason not to make goading, bitchy remarks to a fellow-sufferer, huh?

I hope it all goes well tomorrow, don't take any shit from him though, or hysterics, and don't hesitate to call the police if necessary.
Let us know how it goes and stay resolved and strong!

Well done @Ivy2006 , stay strong and stick with the plan. Keep doing whatever it takes.

I know you're not enjoying this at all. xx It takes time to feel upto doing things sometimes.

But you've virtually done it now. Keep on Keeping on.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Did you enjoy the drama? Such b.s.

OP I think he thinks you don't mean it because you aren't following through.

Give him a date to move out by.
In the meantime pack up his stuff and stack it in the hallway so he can see you are serious.

On D day, put everything outside, change locks. If he shouts, bangs door just ring the police.

Well done OP. make sure you have a friend with you at the house tomorrow and call the police if at any moment you feel unsafe. He has not played his final card yet.

If he tries any sort of manipulative self harm gesture, just call the ambulance immediately.

Good for you. Stay strong. He's going to try to play you for all he's worth until you shut the door behind him.

Consider having someone come over tomorrow to 'be a presence' until he leaves.

Hope you changed the backdoor lock as well - the problem with changing them while he's still there is that he could potentially take a copy of one of the keys, if he gets hold of one for any length of time - I don't know if it's still functionally possible to make copies of keys from imprints instead of the actual key, but just in case, don't let him get his hands on the new ones AT ALL.

I'm hoping he leaves this morning, you get to shut the door behind him and that's the last of him having access to your home.

Well done OP.

I agree with some other posters though is there someone who can be with you for emotional support? Just emotions can get heightened at times like these and he could pull or try to pull some stupid stunt!

Also I’m sure you’re fine and don’t want to entertain him back in your life but ensure he hasn’t left anything or created a reason you need to see him again. I somehow don’t see you and him meeting up for ex sex though!

Hi OP I was really annoyed by the ‘loving the drama’ comments as well. I was in a similar position many years ago except that I was moving out and even then found it very difficult to leave. He wasn’t a totally terrible person and the emotional blackmail he pulled out the hat meant I stayed for 6 weeks longer than I wanted. I woke up one day and realised I’d be there forever if I didn’t take some control and although it was tough and I was having to step over a crying man to get my toothbrush, it was the best thing I ever did. He recovered fairly quickly!

I certainly did not ‘love the drama’, it was fucking awful. I never ended up in that situation (or with someone like him) again though!

@silkmonkey - I agree with you! How can someone love this drama?! I’ve luckily not had these extremes when relationships end even when living together but one ex where we were living together (albeit short period and more me staying over really) got really nasty and tried to play head games with me. Last thing you want when trying to end a relationship.

Whether or not you forgive him, whether or not he would even manage to change so he never did that stuff again (unlikely), is beside the point. You don't want him in your house any more and you don't have to let him. It's not as if he'd be out on the street, even - he has somewhere to go (family). You have a right not to be in a relationship with anybody, even if they were the nicest man on the planet, even if they'd saved your life or given you a million pounds for Christmas. Stick to your guns and enjoy a bit of breathing space in your own home for a change.

XH tried the "what will become of me" line when we were splitting up. Where will I live etc... I used to feel responsible for him but at this point I was just disgusted with a grown-assed man expecting Mummy (not even his own Mummy, but the mother of his children!) to sort his life out for him. Before anyone says well you got the house, no I didn't. We sold it and split it straight down the middle. He had exactly what I had to start over with. So I told him he could live under Charing Cross Bridge for all I cared. He was deeply wounded.

Good luck today.
Hopefully you won't need it and he'll go quietly without the need for intervention from the police or anyone else 🤞
You deserve to be happy.
I hope you are able to work on your boundaries and self esteem before you enter into the dating scene again. You'll be much happier and more secure for it. 💐

Well done - you have 100% done the right thing. Yes he's trying to pull on your heart strings now so he can stay, but you know how hard it's been to get him to the this point of acceptance - don't budge an inch now. Stay firm and strong.

His tears I suspect are just another manipulation to get his own way. But even if they are genuine tears of remorse and sorrow, it doesn't change the fact you don't want to be with him.

I hope today goes OK.

Well done OP. Hope today goes smoothly

Has he gone yet?

Has he gone OP? Stay strong and stand your ground.

Well done Ivy hope all goes well today and it's "drama" free. Wishing you a stress-free home!

When he kicks off as he will make sure someone is there with you so he’ll go

Tell him you’ll call the police if he doesn’t go quietly.

Repeat we were not working we know this and it’s better now we’ve split.

Do not be sucked in my the crying as it’s bullshit.

Good luck

is he gone?