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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't let me break up with him!

266 replies

Ivy2006 · 03/09/2021 07:43

Help!

I have tried breaking up with my boyfriend approx 6/7 times over the last couple months. However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave! I own my home and he barely pays board so has no right over the property.

We have had a very rocky 2 year relationship as he has major trust issues which I have rebelled to on most occasions. I love him as a person but I want to move on and be by myself because I cannot cope with his insecurities any longer. We've just drifted.

I caught him messaging other women whilst he was drunk which he blames on the alcohol, he demands I come home when I go out with my friends, he accuses me of cheating and he definitely has controlling tendencies. For example, I went out with some work friends which happened to be a late one and I received 4 or 5 calls where he screamed down the phone, called me names and told me I HAD to come home.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. However, every time I try end, it doesn't work. I've really distanced myself the past month. I've stayed at my parents, I've stayed at friends and I've gone out as much as I can to avoid him. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore and I want him to move out, yet he just isn't doing it.

Yesterday we had a chat and I said I don't see a future with him. Initially he got angry and put the blame on me, then he cried and told me he's sorry and we can get through this rough patch. Then he wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened! Why isn't it getting into his head?! Why won't he just let me go?!

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 03/09/2021 15:31

@ChargingBuck before charging in, do some research.

If he has his mail sent there and it's his 'home' the law says that is the same as if he is tenant and ought to be given reasonable notice.

The police may remove him by force, but it's not black and white.
They may decide he is no threat. And that it's a domestic situation that they couple need to resolve themselves.

But if he is registered there for mail or anything (mobile phone etc) it's a different matter entirely.

He has to be given notice and a fair time to find somewhere else.

penguinwithasuitcase · 03/09/2021 15:33

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy perhaps she hasn't taken the many actions you can see are available to her because she's been ground down by multiple years of shitty behaviour and drunken abuse. Perhaps this isn't the first example of it.

Perhaps she's scared and uncomfortable and well trained in putting other people first because it's what keeps her 'safe', even if 'safe' means out of her own house while a shitbag of a man refuses to leave.

Perhaps she's so out of practice in being assertive that what everyone here is suggesting as the obvious thing to do is unimaginable.

And WTF 'telling' means is: it says a lot about you that you can't even imagine that's a possibility - instead you assume the worst of her as someone who gets off on drama.

That's WTF it means.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 03/09/2021 15:33

Don't give him yet another day to ignore. He doesn't need notice, he's had more than enough.

Police. He's been told to leave, he is refusing to leave, you're scared of his reaction because he's been verbally aggressive towards you before and you need him removed. It's not a civil matter, he has no legal right to be there, no legal right to yet another deadline or notice period and needs to be ejected from the premises. What he does after that is not your problem.

ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 15:45

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@ChargingBuck before charging in, do some research.

If he has his mail sent there and it's his 'home' the law says that is the same as if he is tenant and ought to be given reasonable notice.

The police may remove him by force, but it's not black and white.
They may decide he is no threat. And that it's a domestic situation that they couple need to resolve themselves.

But if he is registered there for mail or anything (mobile phone etc) it's a different matter entirely.

He has to be given notice and a fair time to find somewhere else.[/quote]
OK Jingling, you are so obviously right I'm going to change my mailing address to yours, & sneak in while you're at work.

When you call the police to eject me, I'll tell them they can't, 'cos my post gets delivered there.

They are absolutely bound to give you a right ticking-off for wasting their time, & tell you to give me a month's notice, because otherwise I might be homeless.

They'll probably tell you to make me egg & chips, too.
That's how likely this all is.

Are you, btw the Ex's mother?
You seem awful keen to see him kept on at OP's house ... what's up - do you not want his lazy cheating arse back in the parental home?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/09/2021 15:47

@girlmom21

If you own the house and he has no claim to it just change the locks and leave his stuff at his moms.

If he turns up kicking off call the police.

This ^

He has no rights in your property.

Pack his stuff in bin bags and when he comes to try to enter the house (which he can't because you have CHANGED THE LOCKS, drop it out of an upstairs window for him

fishonabicycle · 03/09/2021 15:58

What they all said. Change the locks and put his stuff outside while he is out. He's not your responsibility.

FreddyKreugersWife · 03/09/2021 15:59

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@ChargingBuck before charging in, do some research.

If he has his mail sent there and it's his 'home' the law says that is the same as if he is tenant and ought to be given reasonable notice.

The police may remove him by force, but it's not black and white.
They may decide he is no threat. And that it's a domestic situation that they couple need to resolve themselves.

But if he is registered there for mail or anything (mobile phone etc) it's a different matter entirely.

He has to be given notice and a fair time to find somewhere else.[/quote]
He was given reasonable notice. Read the OP's post.

CutePanda · 03/09/2021 16:00

@Ivy2006 this is your home. If he won’t leave then have a couple of friends/family members with you to kick him out. Box all his stuff up, leave it outside, change the locks before he comes home.

NumberTheory · 03/09/2021 16:10

OP you aren't helping his mental health by letting him sleep on hte couch and continue to believe you re "just going through a rough patch". If anything you are drawing things out and making it harder for him to accept he needs to find help and move on. At the moment, one way or another, he's looking to you as a "solution" to some of the turmoil he's feeling. And you aren't. That needs to be clear to him.

More than that, mental health issues or not, it is not right for you that he stays in your home. You have a right to a happy life and him staying against your wishes is likely to damage your mental health.

Take a strong stand and kick him out properly. Get the support you need to feel safe doing so. Look after yourself and give him a chance to sort himself out properly.

HoldMeCloserTinyBadger · 03/09/2021 16:12

I had an ex like this. We’d break up, agree we’d become more like friends and that it was time to move on, then the next day he’d be desperate to try again, telling me I was the love of his life, begging me to stay and making me feel guilty. This happened 3 times in 4 years.

Eventually he left me for a girl at work. 🤷‍♀️

Manipulative twat.

HoldMeCloserTinyBadger · 03/09/2021 16:14

But as previous posters have said, he has no right to be in your property. Change the locks.

cookingisoverrated · 03/09/2021 16:16

Put his stuff in bags, put them outside, take his keys or change the locks. Call the police if there is any hint of an issue from him over it.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 03/09/2021 16:19

he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this.

Asaaagh! OP, I wasted years of my life with a man like this. I didn’t have the strength to break away from someone so needy. It drained me. I became desperately unhappy, and then I sank into a kind of crushed acceptance. In the end I became physically ill.

Please, please don’t let this continue, OP.

greendiva · 03/09/2021 16:21

This is all part of a pattern of controlling behaviour. He dosen't need anymore chances or deserve any. Pack up his stuff when he is out and drop it at a friend or relatives house and change the locks. I know that sounds harsh but it's not normal behaviour just to stay living your x partners house when you have been asked to leave. You have given him plenty of chances. If you're frightened of him, even more reason he needs to leave. Maybe a friend can come and stay with you for a few nights? He's an abuser and he's manipulative you, trying anger and also emotional blackmail.

NatashaRf · 03/09/2021 16:22

Change the locks ASAP.

Done.

Don't waste any more of your life. He's using you. And being horrendously abusive and controlling.

Don't put up with this shit. Next time he's out get the locks changed.

His mental health is his issue. Not yours.

greendiva · 03/09/2021 16:23

It's also NOT his mental health. It's manipulation. Put the responsibility back to him and take his stuff to his parents. Tell him what you have done and block him. Even if it is partly mental health how can you help him if he threatens and insults you.

DREAM776 · 03/09/2021 16:24

just take his stuff to his mum, change the locks and breath! it really is that easy.

The best years of my life were living alone😁 embrace it.

QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 16:45

oh wow...

this is mental.. He has you right where he wants you....

MatildaIThink · 03/09/2021 16:47

Kick him out.

ejhhhhh · 03/09/2021 17:12

Do you have any relationship with his family? Can you call his mum or someone and explain that you've asked him to leave but he hasn't? Failing that, get a mate round on his leaving deadline and make sure he leaves, and get the locks changed at the same time.

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/09/2021 17:39

I'd feel so guilty to do this

See this is where you're going wrong!

When you feel guilty remember the abuse.

MabelSable · 03/09/2021 17:44

You owe it to your child to get him out. Stop thinking about this man. He does not matter.

midsomermurderess · 03/09/2021 18:42

Where has the child come from?

QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 18:44

ok I missed the bit about a Child too 😱

OnGoldenPond · 03/09/2021 18:49

There is no child. OP has only posted twice on the thread and there is no mention of a child in either.