He won't let me break up with him!

[Ivy2006]

Help!

I have tried breaking up with my boyfriend approx 6/7 times over the last couple months. However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave! I own my home and he barely pays board so has no right over the property.

We have had a very rocky 2 year relationship as he has major trust issues which I have rebelled to on most occasions. I love him as a person but I want to move on and be by myself because I cannot cope with his insecurities any longer. We've just drifted.

I caught him messaging other women whilst he was drunk which he blames on the alcohol, he demands I come home when I go out with my friends, he accuses me of cheating and he definitely has controlling tendencies. For example, I went out with some work friends which happened to be a late one and I received 4 or 5 calls where he screamed down the phone, called me names and told me I HAD to come home.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. However, every time I try end, it doesn't work. I've really distanced myself the past month. I've stayed at my parents, I've stayed at friends and I've gone out as much as I can to avoid him. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore and I want him to move out, yet he just isn't doing it.

Yesterday we had a chat and I said I don't see a future with him. Initially he got angry and put the blame on me, then he cried and told me he's sorry and we can get through this rough patch. Then he wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened! Why isn't it getting into his head?! Why won't he just let me go?!

I bagged up his stuff and left it all on the doorstep and locked the door from the inside. He screamed and yelled that his suits were crumpled, threw his keys in the garden and stomped off. Job done.

@Lovemusic33

When this happened to me I just bagged up all of his things when he was out, put them outside the front door and got a lock smith to come change the locks, yes he did kick off but the police happily escorted him away several times and stuck an injunction on him for harassment.

It’s your house and he has no right to be there.

Do this.

I really feel like starting an 'anti-kindness' movement. I am sick of the way women get the shitty end of the deal because they feel the need to accept pain for themselves out of 'kindness' for others. It's an abusers dream.

Here's the advice I would give to any girl or young woman ( or female of any age), ' It is better to be boundaried than kind.'

Call the police and have them supervise him packing up and leaving if his reactions scare you.

He's made it very clear that he is not going to leave under his own steam despite you telling him to get out, so what other options is he giving you? You either surrender and enable this man to trample all over you and your home with no consideration for you, or you take an action that enforces what you've already told him because he's left you no other option.

Stop martyring yourself to this guy, it is not your responsibility to fix him or his issues. All you're doing is enabling him to bury his head in the sand. You're doing him no favours, let alone yourself. You need to take care of yourself before you take care of him.

Call the police and tell them to escort him off the property.

To answer your questions about why he won't let you go - why would he? He's on a cushy number - almost free lodging, guilt tripping you, you probably do washing and cooking and food buying etc., so he can put up with some cold behaviour from you because, and this is important, you've given in before and let him stay.

He's just wearing you down until you stop again - and he might even play up his mental health to speed that up - so that he can go back to his cushy life.

You need to draft in some extra help to get him out and once he's out, make sure all his stuff is gone and the locks are changed immediately. If you have to pack up his stuff and take it to his mum's or wherever, look at it as a small price to pay for your freedom.

But get him out - stand firm, have someone with you, and get him gone.

Do the police really step in with domestic circs like this?

Maybe my life has been sheltered but I've never heard of police wading in for anything like this unless someone is being violent.

@JinglingHellsBells

Do the police really step in with domestic circs like this?

Maybe my life has been sheltered but I've never heard of police wading in for anything like this unless someone is being violent.

Of course they do! That is what they are there for. Are you suggesting police are never called out to trespassers? Or to remove someone on private property?

@JinglingHellsBells

Do the police really step in with domestic circs like this?

Maybe my life has been sheltered but I've never heard of police wading in for anything like this unless someone is being violent.

Of course they do.

The Ex's behaviour is illegal. He has been asked to leave the householder's property, & is refusing.

When people behave illegally, the law-abiding injured party goes to the police. The police won't "wade in" - they will respond to a request & ensure that the trespasser leaves the property, & are there to ensure any kicking off does not harm or endanger the householder.

The more enlightened & better trained officers will also be on the lookout for signs of coercive control, & potential subsequent harassment or nuisance to the person in OP's situation.

"Why won't he just let me go?!"
That's not the issue. It seems you won't kick him out.
He just stays. Then your response is to do nothing about that.
You are allowing him to stay. It seems he's not good at taking hints. So his stuff needs to be packed up and then the locks changed or his keys handed over.
Get a friend or a parent to be there, make him take his stuff and hand over the key.

Of course they do! That is what they are there for. Are you suggesting police are never called out to trespassers? Or to remove someone on private property?

No I am not suggesting that they never remove 'trespassers' or someone on private property. BUT that is very different from the scenario here where someone is living in what has been offered to them as a home - even if a) it doesn't belong to them and b) they don't pay.

You are conflating very different situations.

I think the law expects people to be reasonable. That may mean giving reasonable notice to quit the house so they are not homeless (ie on the streets.)

Sometimes on this forum people suggest dumping someone's stuff outside and changing the locks but legally, it's not as clear cut as it seems.

Get rid of him quick before you have a child with him!!! Once youve got kids with a wrongun you have to have contact with them for the rest of your days! Act now!!

@ChargingBuck There are rather a lot of 'legal experts' here.

Someone is not a trespasser if they are living there and have been for some time.

Get your facts right.

They are using it as a home.

If this is withdrawn they have a right to time to find somewhere else.

You need to contact your local police on the non emergency number.Tell them you've ended things with your boyfriend but he won't leave and your too scared to stand your ground and make him leave as he has mental health issue and is unpredictable and your scared he'll become violent if your try to make him go.

Are you suggesting police are never called out to trespassers? Or to remove someone on private property?

Actually trespass is not a criminal offence, it's a civil offence. Police have no powers to remove people from private property unless they have committed a criminal offence.

In OPs case, they would probably strongly advise him to leave and strongly advise her to change the locks. Then if he came back and attempted to get in they could arrest for criminal damage or breach of the peace type of offence.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@ChargingBuck There are rather a lot of 'legal experts' here.

Someone is not a trespasser if they are living there and have been for some time.

Get your facts right.

They are using it as a home.

If this is withdrawn they have a right to time to find somewhere else.[/quote]
No, they do NOT have a right to ANY time to find somewhere else! Not without a tenancy agreement. OP has EVERY legal right to make him move out immediately!

@Iwantcauliflowercheese

I bagged up his stuff and left it all on the doorstep and locked the door from the inside. He screamed and yelled that his suits were crumpled, threw his keys in the garden and stomped off. Job done.

Most hotels have irons as I'm sure does his mum

I'm actually laughing at that one;how childish is he 😂😂😂

No I am not suggesting that they never remove 'trespassers' or someone on private property. BUT that is very different from the scenario here where someone is living in what has been offered to them as a home - even if a) it doesn't belong to them and b) they don't pay.

It isn't different.
In both scenarios you imagine, the householder does not want the person in their property.
The fact that in one scenario, that person had previously been welcome in the property, is immaterial. They are no longer welcome, & have no rights whatsoever to stay.

I think the law expects people to be reasonable. That may mean giving reasonable notice to quit the house so they are not homeless (ie on the streets.)
OP is not responsible for housing her Ex. She wasn't responsible for housing him when he was still her b/f.
She has zero legal requirement to give him notice.
However, being a kind woman, she has given the Ex notice upon notice period (5 or 6 dates have slipped by iirc), yet after 2 months, there he still is.

Sometimes on this forum people suggest dumping someone's stuff outside and changing the locks but legally, it's not as clear cut as it seems.

It's totally clear cut.
Here's a thought experiment for you.
I live in a delightful rural cottage up a mountain. Do come & stay with me! We'll have a lovely time.

Oh, you're here ... & it's not such a good experience for me.
Would you leave now please?
Oh - you won't?
What are you going to do then? Call the police & ask them to tell me I can't eject you from MY HOME, because you might be homeless?

How long do you think it would take the police to finish laughing at you?

Actually trespass is not a criminal offence, it's a civil offence. Police have no powers to remove people from private property unless they have committed a criminal offence

Exactly.

Please don't give advice that is wrong without checking facts as the OP may end up worse than she is now.

Trespass as such is a very hard case to prove and secure a conviction or arrest. It doesn't apply here as so many posters think.

@ChargingBuck You are wrong, sorry.

Do some reading about trespass.

Police removed an old ex of mine no problem when I told them he wouldn't leave when I asked.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@ChargingBuck There are rather a lot of 'legal experts' here.

Someone is not a trespasser if they are living there and have been for some time.

Get your facts right.

They are using it as a home.

If this is withdrawn they have a right to time to find somewhere else.[/quote]
Well-recognised Jungling - I am a legal expert.

Somebody is a trespasser the moment you ask them to leave your sole residence & they refuse to comply.

This b/f is not a lodger or a tenant.
He has no legal right to stay in OP's home for a minute longer than she wishes him to be there. His housing needs are his own responsibility, & not transferrable to OP.

I would assume that the reason they would remove him is because he has behaved angrily towards op and therefore is a threat to her in her own home. Not necessarily because he is 'trespassing'. But because he is a risk to her.

I've thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he's quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this

He is NOT your responsibility. Let his parents deal with it.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@ChargingBuck There are rather a lot of 'legal experts' here.

Someone is not a trespasser if they are living there and have been for some time.

Get your facts right.

They are using it as a home.

If this is withdrawn they have a right to time to find somewhere else.[/quote]
If they have been given notice, and the OP said they have given them notice but he stays on past that date, then what are they called if not trespassers? Or squatters? If your rental landlord gives you notice of a date you must leave by, and you stay on, are you suggesting the tenants are not trespassers or squatters?

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@ChargingBuck You are wrong, sorry.

Do some reading about trespass.[/quote]
No need to apologise, everyone gets things wrong sometimes. In this instance, it's not me.

You're barking up the wrong tree with trespassing btw, as police have no need to invoke trespass law to remove an unwelcome party from a woman's home. This Ex is refusing to accept the relationship is over, & refusing to leave her home. That's threatening behaviour & coercive control for you, right there.
Cops aren't going to bother with invoking trespass. They are fairly likely to be having a completely off the record "firm but friendly" chat with this Ex though, if they need to be called out to deal with him ...