Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't let me break up with him!

266 replies

Ivy2006 · 03/09/2021 07:43

Help!

I have tried breaking up with my boyfriend approx 6/7 times over the last couple months. However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave! I own my home and he barely pays board so has no right over the property.

We have had a very rocky 2 year relationship as he has major trust issues which I have rebelled to on most occasions. I love him as a person but I want to move on and be by myself because I cannot cope with his insecurities any longer. We've just drifted.

I caught him messaging other women whilst he was drunk which he blames on the alcohol, he demands I come home when I go out with my friends, he accuses me of cheating and he definitely has controlling tendencies. For example, I went out with some work friends which happened to be a late one and I received 4 or 5 calls where he screamed down the phone, called me names and told me I HAD to come home.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. However, every time I try end, it doesn't work. I've really distanced myself the past month. I've stayed at my parents, I've stayed at friends and I've gone out as much as I can to avoid him. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore and I want him to move out, yet he just isn't doing it.

Yesterday we had a chat and I said I don't see a future with him. Initially he got angry and put the blame on me, then he cried and told me he's sorry and we can get through this rough patch. Then he wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened! Why isn't it getting into his head?! Why won't he just let me go?!

OP posts:
TomFuckery · 03/09/2021 13:17

Watch one of 'I Am' dramas, the one with Vicky McLure in it. It will bring it home to you that you're in a coercive controlling relationship. It's spot on. Do what others have suggested
Do you have a brother/dad/cousin that could possibly be there when you ask him to leave and go through with the action of packing up his stuff?
If there's a male presence there he'll probably bugger off with his tail between his legs with no drama.
Enlist help if you need it to get him gone

ivykaty44 · 03/09/2021 13:20

You’d feel guilty leaving his stuff at his parents, due to his mental health?

He know this and is playing you

And a very fine tune it is…

Take his stuff to his parents, change the locks first and block him on everything

Mrgrinch · 03/09/2021 13:23

OP if you can't do it yourself then call the police and they'll help you

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2021 13:25

My first thought was police. He’s trespassing as you don’t want him there.

You could try packing up his stuff, taking it to his parents and changing the locks first. If you can’t do this for any reason or are frightened of him, go straight to the police.

Lovemusic33 · 03/09/2021 13:25

When this happened to me I just bagged up all of his things when he was out, put them outside the front door and got a lock smith to come change the locks, yes he did kick off but the police happily escorted him away several times and stuck an injunction on him for harassment.

It’s your house and he has no right to be there.

gunnersgold · 03/09/2021 13:29

He obviously doesn't have anywhere to go and is staying because of that not because he loves you ... bin him off and change the locks !

FreddyKreugersWife · 03/09/2021 13:30

You haven't answered why you just haven't called the police? It's the simplest thing. You just call the police, explain that you own the home (have documentation to show the police if need be), you asked him to leave and he refused. The police will escort him out.

How difficult can this really be? Really.

Goingdriving · 03/09/2021 13:32

Oh yes your line that he has ‘major trust issues’ but he’s the one who cheats. You must get this person out. This isn’t love, it’s abuse.

TheChip · 03/09/2021 13:37

Its your home. If he refuses to leave when asked then just call the police and have them removed him. Bag his shit up and pop it outside after they've removed him and change the locks.

I really don't understand why you're pandering to him if you really want him gone. Especially as far as leaving your home yourself to get away from him. It's mind boggling.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/09/2021 13:39

'Won't let you?'

He can't stop you. Once one party in a relationship decides it's over then it's over.

TatianaBis · 03/09/2021 13:44

So you give him a date to be moved out by - say a week hence. Confirm in an email so he can't claim he misunderstood.

On the day, if he hasn't left you call the police to assist you. (They won't arrest him they just attend to prevent a breach of the peace).

CapybaraConnoisseur · 03/09/2021 13:49

i tried to break up with my ex last halloween. he guilt tripped me back, then i finally got shut of him a month later. he was crying, saying he was going to kill himself if he couldn't have me, he'd do the same as your ExP is doing, screaming down the phone telling me to come home.
Honestly, just tell him to go, make sure people are there with you, and get shut of this abusive arsehole. not worth your effort, or your guilt. You could change the locks when he's out and drop his things off with his parents, dont feel guilty for this.
I now have a guilt complex from my ex who was like this, dont feed into it. You're stronger than that, OP.

Bookworm20 · 03/09/2021 13:56

I understand that it isn't as easy to just drop his stuff off in your mind. You want him gone, but you also feel a sense of loyalty towards him. Because you obviously were in love at one point. And that is where your guilty feelings are coming from.

However you need to remember he isn't that person anymore, and moreover he is controlling you by refusing to move out and so he is not considering YOUR feelings at all. I bet for one second he does not feel guilty for putting you through this.

That is what you need to hold onto. He isn't helping himself and he is playing on your good nature, which is quite frankly disgusting of him.
Keep remembering that. Not the good old times and the feeling of guilt that you're abandoning him. You are not abandoning him, you have given him many warnings that this is going to happen and that he needs to leave. He has family, who I assume love him, so they can now deal with it. You are not dumping him on the street, you are leaving him with people who will help him.
You've done everything you can to make it very very clear to him.

Once you've got that in your mindset, it will be easier to give him a date, pack his stuff and drop it at his parents on that date, or get them to come and collect him. Let him know you will be involving the police if he doesn't go. Send it in a text if you want so you've written proof you've asked him to leave. But you have to get that guilty feeling out of your head because he is playing on that like a pro.

Good Luck.

WallaceinAnderland · 03/09/2021 13:58

This is not even a problem. Do what you would do if a stranger walked off the street and sat on your sofa. Tell them to leave and if they don't, call the police. It really is that easy.

me4real · 03/09/2021 14:05

I’ve thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this.

@Ivy2006 This could be another tactic he's using to manipulate/control you, by making you think he couldn't cope without you etc.

If he really is that mentally ill, it's professionals he needs, not you. By preventing him getting the help he needs by acting as a crutch, you're actually enabling him and stopping him getting the help he needs, by lettting him tick over/coast as he is.

Like PP's said, just get his stuff out and change the locks.

Maskless · 03/09/2021 14:08

"Why won't he just let me go?!"

Because you have not been clear enough, or firm enough.

Write him a brief letter or email or text, so he has it in writing, giving him 24 or 48 hours to move out, and stating that if he hasn't cleared out his things by then, you will pack them and take them to X (his mum, a friend, etc) and will change the locks that day.

THEN FOLLOW THIS THROUGH.

He cannot refuse.

Call the police, if necessary. Forcing his company on you is abuse.

Noshowlomo · 03/09/2021 14:12

He doesn't care about your mental health OP, so why are you prioritising his?

MabelSable · 03/09/2021 14:13

@Noshowlomo

He doesn't care about your mental health OP, so why are you prioritising his?
Exactly.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 14:21

@Noshowlomo

He doesn't care about your mental health OP, so why are you prioritising his?
And OP has a child!! That child isn't being put first while that man is still in the home.
Immunetypegoblin · 03/09/2021 14:30

Speaking seriously, OP, you've had some fantastic advice here. You need to get rid of this cuckoo, ASAP; his feelings about this simply are not your problem.

In less serious tones, I read this and thought of Mary from Ghosts - her way of trying to convince people to leave is to sit in their face saying 'GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT' on a loop for hours. Worth a try at this point?!

longtompot · 03/09/2021 14:30

@youvegottenminuteslynn I can't see where it says op has a child. I may have missed it as I am tired, but I thought she wanted to be just her in her house.

Lots of good advice here @Ivy2006 I really hope you get him out and start to just breathe again. Sounds a stifling situation.

TokyoTammy · 03/09/2021 14:30

come on OP, time to get him out of your life. Be brave.

His mental health is not your issue, your child is your issue.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 03/09/2021 14:32

Bless your sweet natured cotton socks, your doing it wrong.

It goes like this,

You have until 6pm tonight to get out or I’m calling the police, start packing right now!!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 14:33

[quote longtompot]@youvegottenminuteslynn I can't see where it says op has a child. I may have missed it as I am tired, but I thought she wanted to be just her in her house.

Lots of good advice here @Ivy2006 I really hope you get him out and start to just breathe again. Sounds a stifling situation.[/quote]
Sorry should have said it was on a thread from a few days ago, OP has one child.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 03/09/2021 14:34

Change the WiFi password then I bet he won't be so keen to stay!

Also, does he ever leave the house? If so, do what you can to not let him back in. Ideally change the locks but if you don't have time then leave the keys in the locks so he can't get his key in. Call the Police for advice and assistance.

Personally I wouldn't give him warning in case he kicks off or damages your property whilst you're out (you've told him enough times after all) so would just not let him back in the moment he leaves the house.