He won't let me break up with him!

[Ivy2006]

Help!

I have tried breaking up with my boyfriend approx 6/7 times over the last couple months. However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave! I own my home and he barely pays board so has no right over the property.

We have had a very rocky 2 year relationship as he has major trust issues which I have rebelled to on most occasions. I love him as a person but I want to move on and be by myself because I cannot cope with his insecurities any longer. We've just drifted.

I caught him messaging other women whilst he was drunk which he blames on the alcohol, he demands I come home when I go out with my friends, he accuses me of cheating and he definitely has controlling tendencies. For example, I went out with some work friends which happened to be a late one and I received 4 or 5 calls where he screamed down the phone, called me names and told me I HAD to come home.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. However, every time I try end, it doesn't work. I've really distanced myself the past month. I've stayed at my parents, I've stayed at friends and I've gone out as much as I can to avoid him. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore and I want him to move out, yet he just isn't doing it.

Yesterday we had a chat and I said I don't see a future with him. Initially he got angry and put the blame on me, then he cried and told me he's sorry and we can get through this rough patch. Then he wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened! Why isn't it getting into his head?! Why won't he just let me go?!

I’ve thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this.

No, he's just a tool, but even if he was struggling that's not your problem anymore.

Please don't feel guilty about moving his stuff out. You're not responsible for his MH and living how he is now clearly isn't helping his MH or yours.

Agree with other posters suggestions of having a male friend or relative at your home. If he does ever go out though, I'd change the locks and drop his stuff of stuff his DPs house. You have nothing to feel guilty about OP. He's using anger to try and control you abs isn't facing up to the reality that his free ride is over.

It's probably worth ringing the the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and talking all of this through with them.

Can he move in with his parents. Can you get them onside. Sounds like you need to change the locks anyway so book that and don't tell him. Just say he has to be gone.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for damaged men! His mental health is not your problem to solve. Your mental health is your priority. I think you will need to involve the police if he refuses to leave. He sounds dangerous to me.

I would change the locks today and have a friend stay with you for a few days.

Does he have a job or run any daily errands? I’d be changing the locks and leaving his stuff outside. Do you have any friends or work colleagues who could come over and help you get this sorted?

And his mental health is not your issue. And his insecurities stem from him judging you by his own cheating and lying behaviour.

Write him a short letter that just says "our relationship is over. You have 48 hours to remove yourself and belongings from my house." This gives him evidence if he needs to present as homeless to the council. It also gives you evidence to show to police if they need to assist you in getting him out.

Do you have a couple of assertive people, friends, colleagues, family, who can be there to support you when the deadline arrives? PPs suggested male friends but generally just the presence of witnesses is sufficient to stop someone kicking off.

Please do not feel guilty about ending a relationship with a controlling, cheating, abusive twat. Mental health issues my fat backside, he's an abuser and a manipulator. How much of a shit does he give about your mental health? Sweet FA!

When he next leaves the house, out the key in the lock and don't let him back in (change the lock if you can), if he kicks off when he gets back phone the police

If he won't leave phone the police

It's not your responsibility to fix his mental health

I'd ask a friend to stay for a few days and tell him he has to leave as he's in the way. Hopefully he'll get the message.

Sorry, posted too soon! And if he doesn't get the message and go quietly, then it's boxes in hallway time.

You need to change the locks whilst he is out then tell him he isn't welcome back then pack his stuff up and drop it at his parents.

If possible have friends or family stay with you.

If he threatens suicide call the police and they can do a welfare check on him.

Whilst he's at work, pack his things up and get the locks changed. Take his things to his parents, come home and lock the door. If he starts threatening or turning up say you'll call the police if that doesn't work just ring the police! Have a friend round if you scared to be alone after he finishes work.

Just kick him out of you want him gone that badly.

His mental health and wellbeing is not your responsibility. It is his.

As others have recommended, gather up all of his stuff, leave it with his parents or with a friend of his (whichever you think is best) and change the lock.

I'd even go to the police and advise them that you're going through a difficult break up, that the other party doesn't seem to understand that you want to break up and has a history of anger issues. You will be leaving his belongings with his family who live at X address and you're changing the locks (all of them, don't forget the back door and see if you can get a bolt for the back door too) on Y date so he may kick off and you want them to be aware in case something happens. Get their advice. Hopefully it will come to nothing.

For Christ sake, stop letting this man treat you like a total mug. Tell him he has 48 hours, at end of that the locks are changed and he’s out. Have a male relative there to support, either drop his stuff to his parents or leave it outside. Police if he kicks off.

Crazy
Pack his shit up and put it out when he goes out and change the lock - very easy to diy
Ffs it is YOUR place and you get to say who live there
Any hassle call the police
If you know what time he is coming home have some friends round
I would not give him any more days to get out he will continue to ignore
Take action today

I might be inclined to write him a letter saying something like:

Dear X, since I have told you times that our relationship is over and asked you to leave my property.

I have ended our relationship because of the following:

I am now formally giving you 48 hours to remove your belongings and return your key. After this date, your belongings will be disposed of.

I am copying this letter to your parents in the hope that they will support you, as I am worried about your refusal to accept the end of our relationship, and my own safety given your behaviours outlined above.

This decision is not up for discussion, and I ask you to respect it. I am sad at how this has turned out, I hope we can part on decent terms, and wish you well for the future.

Then I’d arrange for someone to stay with you for a few days if at all possible- preferably a man.

Then follow through. After 48 hours if his stuff isn’t gone, it gets put outside in bin bags. Change the locks.

Good luck OP.

Does he ever leave the house?

If you really want him home, you're going to have to toughen up. No more feeling guilty. He's not your problem. Next time he leaves the house, change the locks and leave his crap outside. Get a friend over for support.

It's not your job to ensure he has somewhere to go, mental health issues or not. You've said he's controlling, this is just another form of it. You really need to stand up for yourself. He's not going to go willingly just because you've asked. You need to force his hand.

I know it's easier said than done. I really wish you good luck.

He is not preventing you from breaking up with him. You are preventing you from breaking up with him. If you want him out you need to take action.

Give him a date and time to be out, tell his parents the date and time, let everyone know that his belongings will be put out on the street if he stays beyond the deadline and, most importantly, stick to it.

Can you get a big male friend to remove him? I almost had to do this when my ex dp refused to leave (and tried to force me out instead- flat was in my sole name)

I'd call the police. Tell them you are worried for your safety because he's not leaving and he's angry when you bring it up.

They should escort him out. Then all of his stuff can go to his parents.

I second a male friend or relative to be on hand when you TELL him , not ask him to go .
Good luck op.

How can you this bloody passive?

Don't use the police to try and get him out. That's not what they are there for.

Change the barrel in the lock, put his stuff outside, text him to say it's all outside and that's it. He's had loads of warning so you do this to your schedule, not his.

Go on the freedom program.

Can you speak to his parents if you are concerned about his mh? Maybe he needs to hear it from someone else and they can help convince him to leave and deal with the aftermath?