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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't let me break up with him!

266 replies

Ivy2006 · 03/09/2021 07:43

Help!

I have tried breaking up with my boyfriend approx 6/7 times over the last couple months. However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave! I own my home and he barely pays board so has no right over the property.

We have had a very rocky 2 year relationship as he has major trust issues which I have rebelled to on most occasions. I love him as a person but I want to move on and be by myself because I cannot cope with his insecurities any longer. We've just drifted.

I caught him messaging other women whilst he was drunk which he blames on the alcohol, he demands I come home when I go out with my friends, he accuses me of cheating and he definitely has controlling tendencies. For example, I went out with some work friends which happened to be a late one and I received 4 or 5 calls where he screamed down the phone, called me names and told me I HAD to come home.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. However, every time I try end, it doesn't work. I've really distanced myself the past month. I've stayed at my parents, I've stayed at friends and I've gone out as much as I can to avoid him. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore and I want him to move out, yet he just isn't doing it.

Yesterday we had a chat and I said I don't see a future with him. Initially he got angry and put the blame on me, then he cried and told me he's sorry and we can get through this rough patch. Then he wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened! Why isn't it getting into his head?! Why won't he just let me go?!

OP posts:
midsomermurderess · 03/09/2021 18:57

Yes, I know. It was a rhetorical question (ffs).

PricklesAndSpikes · 03/09/2021 18:59

@OnGoldenPond

There is no child. OP has only posted twice on the thread and there is no mention of a child in either.
She has posted on another thread. They both have a child from previous relationships.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 19:18

@OnGoldenPond

There is no child. OP has only posted twice on the thread and there is no mention of a child in either.
There is a child, she mentioned them in another thread about this bloke. It's important because it makes it even more important she gets this wanker out of her (and her child's) home. It's toxic and also confusing for the kids - he has one too. He sounds like a horrible man.
midsomermurderess · 03/09/2021 19:27

Curious she makes no mention of the child here.

QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 19:44

Aaahh ok interesting

lilmishap · 03/09/2021 20:28

[quote penguinwithasuitcase]@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy perhaps she hasn't taken the many actions you can see are available to her because she's been ground down by multiple years of shitty behaviour and drunken abuse. Perhaps this isn't the first example of it.

Perhaps she's scared and uncomfortable and well trained in putting other people first because it's what keeps her 'safe', even if 'safe' means out of her own house while a shitbag of a man refuses to leave.

Perhaps she's so out of practice in being assertive that what everyone here is suggesting as the obvious thing to do is unimaginable.

And WTF 'telling' means is: it says a lot about you that you can't even imagine that's a possibility - instead you assume the worst of her as someone who gets off on drama.

That's WTF it means.[/quote]
This is how I've read it, a lot of the posters seem to have never been unsure of their safety around a man.

When does she call the police? when he's in the house with her? will he just sit and wait for them or tear the phone out of her hand and smash it before the call is connected?
If he's outside, can they get there before he kicks the door in?
What happens when the police leave or he leaves the police station?

These are the things MN doesn't seem to consider when the chorus of ring the police starts. It's a terrifying thing to have to do.

OP they can remove him and insist he stays away as part of bail conditions, even if he has mail sent there, as you have a child and have expressed concerns about your safety.

I am talking from my experience with a similar situation last year. It led to an SS referral that took a couple months to deal with. I'd prefer never to have to take that route again but it wasn't so horrendous that I wouldn't

Have you got any IRL support? Because it is entirely understandable that you'd prefer to not have to ring the old bill and deal with all the aggro that brings. A quicker solution is obviously a bit of back up from friends, family or neighbours but that's not easy to ask for either.

But if you do have to hit the 9s, they won't simply aggravate the situation and then tell you "cheerio we'll leave the 3 of you in the same house and hope for the best"

lilmishap · 03/09/2021 20:31

You have already split up with him.
Your EX is refusing to leave your house now.
Get this clear in your head.

Butterfly44 · 03/09/2021 20:49

You need to consider your own mental health. You can't be responsible for his.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 04/09/2021 07:53

Oh, OP. This man is playing you like a fiddle.

I have given him dates that he needs to move out by, but he doesn’t keep to them.

What did you do when he didn't move out on the first date you gave? Because if you didn't call the police to have him removed from your home, then of course he is still there. He doesn't want to leave and he doesn't believe you will make him leave. You can't just keep telling him over and over again "you have to leave" and then not doing anything when he doesn't. He isn't going to change his behaviour (he isn't going to wake up one day and decide to go) so you need to change yours (stop just telling him to go and actually take steps to get him out).

I’ve thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this.

He knows this and is completely playing you. If he is genuinely ill then his parents' is the best place for him.

Yes, I’m definitely scared of his reaction when he knows I’m being serious. He’s never hurt me but he does get angry and from being in a very physically abusive relationship in the past, it makes me uncomfortable

Unfortunately it seems you've ended up in another abusive relationship (which is very common). Arguably this one is worse because he is able to control you without physical violence. Ring the local police number (the number for the station, not 999) and ask to speak to the domestic team. They should have someone who is specially trained. Explain that you have broken up with your abusive partner who is now refusing to leave your home, that he gets angry and that you are scared of him. This is what the police are for. They will come and escort him out.

Then do the Freedom Programme and enjoy your life free from any abusive man Flowers

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 04/09/2021 09:05

Lovely post Outfoxed Smile

DiscoStusMoonboots · 04/09/2021 09:09

If you are concerned about getting his things out safely, you can request police presence whilst you're doing it. Either way, change the locks, stress that it's over for the umpteenth time and enjoy a fresh start.

Polkadots2021 · 04/09/2021 09:12

@Ivy2006

Help!

I have tried breaking up with my boyfriend approx 6/7 times over the last couple months. However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave! I own my home and he barely pays board so has no right over the property.

We have had a very rocky 2 year relationship as he has major trust issues which I have rebelled to on most occasions. I love him as a person but I want to move on and be by myself because I cannot cope with his insecurities any longer. We've just drifted.

I caught him messaging other women whilst he was drunk which he blames on the alcohol, he demands I come home when I go out with my friends, he accuses me of cheating and he definitely has controlling tendencies. For example, I went out with some work friends which happened to be a late one and I received 4 or 5 calls where he screamed down the phone, called me names and told me I HAD to come home.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. However, every time I try end, it doesn't work. I've really distanced myself the past month. I've stayed at my parents, I've stayed at friends and I've gone out as much as I can to avoid him. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore and I want him to move out, yet he just isn't doing it.

Yesterday we had a chat and I said I don't see a future with him. Initially he got angry and put the blame on me, then he cried and told me he's sorry and we can get through this rough patch. Then he wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened! Why isn't it getting into his head?! Why won't he just let me go?!

Call the police! That'll get him out.
RevolvingPivot · 04/09/2021 09:22

I suppose it depends where you live. Mainly the police don't come out to us they just give you an incident number or you have to go there.

Yet in another part of the UK the police come out to ask why you haven't filled in a speeding form.

ChargingBuck · 04/09/2021 16:02

Has he gone yet, @Ivy2006?

Boredmotherofone · 04/09/2021 22:23

@Ivy2006 Are you ok? Gin

Cherrysoup · 04/09/2021 22:45

Advice from the horse’s mouth: change the locks while he is out. If he tries to force his way back in, call the police, it is ‘violence to secure entry’ and he can/will be nicked. You cannot call the police to help you remove him (unless there’s a breach of the peace) Property law in this country is shit (quote from the horse’s mouth)

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 05/09/2021 09:20

Advice from the horse’s mouth: change the locks while he is out. If he tries to force his way back in, call the police, it is ‘violence to secure entry’ and he can/will be nicked. You cannot call the police to help you remove him (unless there’s a breach of the peace) Property law in this country is shit (quote from the horse’s mouth

So sorry you've been through that.

I don't think the OP is returning to this thread though, just hope she's ok.

TatianaBis · 05/09/2021 09:27

You cannot call the police to help you remove him (unless there’s a breach of the peace) Property law in this country is shit (quote from the horse’s mouth)

You can’t ask the police to help you get rid of them, but if you’re female getting rid of a troublesome partner you ask them to be at the scene ‘to prevent a breach of the peace’.

Gonnagetgoing · 05/09/2021 10:08

I hope OP is ok.

An acquaintance of mine a few years ago had a boyfriend who wouldn’t leave her flat which she owned and he’d moved into. I can’t recall exactly what happened but she had to take legal action to get him removed.

Unfortunately some people are very good at manipulating situations to suit them and not leaving situations in which they control scenarios.

me4real · 05/09/2021 19:22

It's genuinely not technically a crime I don't think, as he did not technically trespass, OP let him move in, and he hasn't commited any of the crimes involving trespass. www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/trespass-and-nuisance-land

But if you say you've asked him to leave and he won't go, and you're frightened of what he'll do as he's unstable, I think the police will help you @Ivy2006 . They deal with a lot of stuff, not just things that are cut and dried crimes. And there'd be absolutely no harm in ringing them and asking their advice.

Original poster
Ivy2006 · 05/09/2021 20:49

Thank you to those who have offered helpful advice and support. Also, I really appreciate those who have checked how I am. Thank you for being such kind people.

To those who have made comments along the lines of ‘I love the drama’, remember you don’t always know what people are going through so best not to make such hurtful comments. I don’t love the drama. Unfortunately I was sucked into a very mentally draining and abusive relationship so it’s not always easy to let go because by the end, you’ve got no emotions left and you feel physically drained.

I told him he has to go by Monday (tomorrow). He’s finally accepted my decision and apologised he didn’t see it before. His excuse was that he didn’t think I was being serious. I’ve changed the locks ready for when he leaves and I’ll be bringing all his stuff to his mums tomorrow so I can finally move on. He’s been crying constantly all day, begging for my forgiveness and asking me to take him back but I’m being strong and sticking to my decision. It’s very hard to see him this way though but I think he knows that. I feel it’s quite unfair to be burdening me with all his emotions right now. I rather he was strong and just left

OP posts:
DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 05/09/2021 21:08

Please stay strong @Ivy2006.

The reason he's spent the day crying is because he thinks he can manipulate you into changing your mind. If he cared about you at all he would have left already.

ClaudiaWinkleHam · 05/09/2021 21:08

Well done Ivy and congratulations! It is really bloody hard but it sounds like you see him for what he is now going by this sentence I feel it’s quite unfair to be burdening me with all his emotions right now.

Roll on tomorrow night and making your home your own again Flowers

shesellsseacats · 05/09/2021 21:09

He's proving you've made the right decision. He doesn't care about your feelings, he's trying to make you feel bad so you change your mind. Fuck that!

Well done for taking the bull by the horns and good luck for tomorrow.

Do you have anyone who can be with you tomorrow for RL moral support?

(We'll all be right there with you virtually of course!)

RandomMess · 05/09/2021 21:47

So glad things are progressing. Stay strong and I hope it goes well tomorrow Thanks