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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The last 2 years of my life have been a lie

216 replies

absentpresence · 02/09/2021 14:05

I feel so lost. I have been with my partner for 2 years and 5 months. We have a 16 month old child together.

When we first got together he told me he previously had a gambling addiction and was paying off some debts as a result of it, but that he was no longer gambling. I had no reason not to believe him.

We started saving up for a mortgage not long after we got together as I fell pregnant by surprise 3 months into our relationship. We'd managed to save a very big sum of money which we were so proud of.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had just gone on a second viewing of a property and took a trusted family member along with me as I wanted to show them, and then hopefully make an offer on the property.

When I got home (we live with my family), my partner was not there. He had gone out in his car and not told me where. I tried calling him but his phone was switched off. A few minutes later I received a message from him confessing that he had been gambling throughout our entire relationship and in fact he had no savings at all. He must have immediately switched his phone off after as my calls would not connect.

Our whole relationship has been built on a foundation of complete deceit, and I feel at a total loss. I'm devastated for my son, I was so excited to be able to provide him with a home where he had his own bedroom and a garden to play. I'm devastated for myself that my entire future has been ripped from under my feet. I'm devastated got my partner that he succumbed to his addiction once again and felt he could not reach out to anybody about it.

I feel so lonely. I truly have no idea where to go from here. How can I ever trust this man again when he has found it so easy to lie to my face, and to my family.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this message. I just wanted to type my feelings out. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

Original poster

absentpresence · 02/09/2021 14:07

I should have said, my partner is safe and returned home after a few hours. Not before I had to involve the police though. Reporting your partner as missing, especially after a "goodbye" message, is not something I would wish on anyone.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 14:09

That's really terrible. I'm so sorry. He's spent all of your joint savings? I could never ever forgive that. The money represented so much and took so long to save - all of your hopes for the future were in that account.

It would be the end for me.

AnotherDelphinium · 02/09/2021 14:10

That’s really tough

If you saved up a significant amount in just two years together, surely doing it again over the next two years isn’t too much of a stretch?

Can you keep it all in your own name so it’s no temptation to him? Depending on his debt levels it might be worth looking into declaring him bankrupt as it would wipe his debts and also make it very difficult for him to borrow in the near future.

mintmotel · 02/09/2021 14:54

Fuck him off. Its too early to be dealing with this level of decit in a relationship.
You're already living with family, stay a while longer, save and get yourself something nice and suitable.
For the 2 years he has lied and you didn't suspect or even notice... That shows he is an expert at deceiving you. If he chooses to lie or gamble again in the future, you won't know about it until its too late.

InthearmyN0W21 · 02/09/2021 15:01

"Saved a very big sum of money"

Did you both have access to view this money ?

Has he spent it all ?

I would not forgive, if he has spent it all

End relationship

RantyAunty · 02/09/2021 15:02

He needs to leave your home. You'll never be able to trust him. He stole from you and his own child. There's no coming back from that.
How much did he steal from you?

CharlotteRose90 · 02/09/2021 15:07

Not sure I’ve read it right but has he gambled just his savings or both of yours? If it’s just his then I would take my money and run. Gamblers do not change. He will always be thinking about betting and you will be the one having to control the money all the time. Sorry but it’s not a life to live when you have a young son.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/09/2021 15:08

This relationship needs now to be at an end. He has put you and in turn his child through too much anguish already.

Re your comment:-
"When we first got together he told me he previously had a gambling addiction and was paying off some debts as a result of it, but that he was no longer gambling".

Why did the words "gambling addiction" not cause you to cease seeing him at that stage?. That is something you're going to have to ask yourself. Did you see addictive behaviours in your parents as a child?.

So you took him at his word?. Sadly that was a decision that has come back to bite you. He lied to you then and he is likely to be in as much denial now about his addiction. The only good that has come out of your relationship with him at all is your child. Do not ever take this man back.

Maxiedog123 · 02/09/2021 15:08

Did he steal your part of the savings, or just gamble away his part?

shapes1 · 02/09/2021 15:27

redastherose · 02/09/2021 15:32

It is an awful shock for you to find that the future you thought you were both working towards is not going to happen.

Has he gambled away your savings too? That is the really important thing at this point in time. If you have your savings safe then you really need to think about how you want to proceed. However, addicts are addicts and will lie and cheat to get their fix regardless of who will be hurt by those actions so I would think that you really need to start thinking about ending this relationship, regardless of how hard that seems right now, and moving on to establishing a good co-parenting relationship with him for your DC's benefit.

I really hope you have your own savings safe, do not ever mix finances or marry an addict.

2catsandhappy · 02/09/2021 15:41

Oh you poor darling.
I hope you are with supportive family right now.

I can read that it is not so much the non existent money that bothers you as the overwhelming deceit and lies.
I cannot imagine what you are going through.
I am really hoping that your savings were seperate.
Maybe one day soon you will see that you have dodged a life time of standing on quicksand.
So sorry you are going through this.

Original poster

absentpresence · 02/09/2021 15:59

Sorry if I wasn't very clear. We were both saving into separate accounts. I've got my own separate savings which are untouched, which he didn't have access to. It turns out that he actually did not save any money at all, he told me that he was saving a certain amount each month but he never started saving in the first place. He just spent all of his wages on gambling.

He allowed me to search for properties, view them, and begin the process of getting a mortgage in principle. All whilst knowing that he actually had not saved any money at all. The money I have saved on my own is not enough for a deposit. I'm just so grateful that my son and I have a roof over our heads and are safe.

OP posts:

Original poster

absentpresence · 02/09/2021 16:01

@2catsandhappy

Oh you poor darling. I hope you are with supportive family right now.

Absolutely, I am so devastated by the deceit and lies I (and my family, my son) have been fed for the last 2 years. The non-existent savings is the least of my worries. I just don't understand how somebody could so easily deceive someone they claim to love

OP posts:

DishingOutDone · 02/09/2021 16:02

So who owns the roof over your heads at the moment? I think he needs to leave whilst you come to terms with this, and immediately enrol in Gamblers Anon. He needs help, but you need to ensure you and your child are ok - that's your responsibility. Thank god he didn't have access to your money.

Are you married?

Original poster

absentpresence · 02/09/2021 16:03

@Maxiedog123

Did he steal your part of the savings, or just gamble away his part?

He does not have access to my savings. He did not have any of his own savings in the first place, he actually never started saving. He told me he was putting away a certain amount each month, but that was a lie. He was just gambling all of his wages and not saving at all

OP posts:

RandomMess · 02/09/2021 16:04

It's heartbreaking but end the relationship. He is an addict and he hasn't reached his low point.

Gambling will come first.

FreeBritnee · 02/09/2021 16:07

Well he’s a lying scumbag isn’t he? I know people will say it’s an addiction and he can’t help it but lying to your partner and taking money away from your child is pretty fucking unforgivable.

user1471538283 · 02/09/2021 16:10

He needs to go now. I know you are hurt but imagine your life with him where you are never sure if there is any money or debt?

Gamblers like all addicts put their addiction first. You will get a home for you and your child maybe through a Homebuy scheme?

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 16:13

Are you making a plan to split up? You know you'll never be able to trust him again.

Original poster

absentpresence · 02/09/2021 16:21

@DishingOutDone

Are you married?

The house we live in belongs to my parents. We are not married either. It's certainly a positive that we didn't have a mortgage and aren't married but it's still a dreadful situation to find yourself in

OP posts:

AdmiralCain · 02/09/2021 16:21

I am sorry to say, he has put his addiction first before you and his child and the trust has gone. You may be forever looking over your shoulder wondering if he's telling the truth.
The Gambling has come first, the stopping is one thing then it can take years of counselling to figure out what the void in him is that he has to fill with gambling.
The saddest truth is Gamblers can gamble and win and win and win. They can start with £10 in their pocket then have £1000. that means nothing - they wont stop, they can turn that £1000 into £10,000 they wont walk away and they feel no emotion about that. The craziest yet truest thing is when they loose, that instant punch in the gut feeling when they've realised they've spunked everything away that's the only time they feel alive when gambling (With the gamblers I've has interactions with) There's the chase and the comedown.

altmember · 02/09/2021 16:23

He's an addict, and addicts feed their addiction by whatever means they can. You are lucky that he didn't have access to your savings too. Next step down the ladder would be stealing things to pawn to feed his addiction.

I know it hurts now, but in many ways you're better off finding out at this stage than when you have joint finances/mortgage etc. If you are brave enough to keep him in your life then make sure all his finances are totally transparent and that he can't access anything of yours.

It could be worse - I knew a bloke in a similar situation and he took his own life rather than confess to his partner. She only found out about his gambling debts afterwards.

REP22 · 02/09/2021 16:24

I am so sorry.

This is not your fault. I just wanted to say that, as sometimes it's easy to place blame on yourself in such circumstances. It's not your fault.

Wishing you well for the future. xx

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 16:25

OP There are some really good responses on here from people who sound like they have a lot of experience in the areas of addiction and gambling.

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