The last 2 years of my life have been a lie

[absentpresence]

I feel so lost. I have been with my partner for 2 years and 5 months. We have a 16 month old child together.

When we first got together he told me he previously had a gambling addiction and was paying off some debts as a result of it, but that he was no longer gambling. I had no reason not to believe him.

We started saving up for a mortgage not long after we got together as I fell pregnant by surprise 3 months into our relationship. We'd managed to save a very big sum of money which we were so proud of.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had just gone on a second viewing of a property and took a trusted family member along with me as I wanted to show them, and then hopefully make an offer on the property.

When I got home (we live with my family), my partner was not there. He had gone out in his car and not told me where. I tried calling him but his phone was switched off. A few minutes later I received a message from him confessing that he had been gambling throughout our entire relationship and in fact he had no savings at all. He must have immediately switched his phone off after as my calls would not connect.

Our whole relationship has been built on a foundation of complete deceit, and I feel at a total loss. I'm devastated for my son, I was so excited to be able to provide him with a home where he had his own bedroom and a garden to play. I'm devastated for myself that my entire future has been ripped from under my feet. I'm devastated got my partner that he succumbed to his addiction once again and felt he could not reach out to anybody about it.

I feel so lonely. I truly have no idea where to go from here. How can I ever trust this man again when he has found it so easy to lie to my face, and to my family.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this message. I just wanted to type my feelings out. Thank you for reading.

I am so sorry, OP. This must be devastating.

Only you know what is the right choice for you and your child, but I personally wouldn't continue a relationship with an active addict, and I'm not sure I would ever be able to trust a partner again after these actions. Clearly right now, his addiction is coming first, and that's been the case for (over) 2 years. How many more years will it take him to get control of his addiction?

I agree that you are under no obligation to "help" him with his addiction--this is 100% his responsibility. Again, if the right choice for you is to remain in the relationship, that's up to you, but please seek out the specialist support you'll need for dealing with an addicted partner such as Gam-anon gamanon.org.uk/

Take care.

OP, sorry if I got this wrong but his message to you was a "goodbye" message? So he was threatening to kill himself. You called the police. Then he turned up at home after a couple of hours, presumably having decided he "couldn't go through with it"?

Putting the gambling aside for a moment, that is utterly despicable behaviour. What an awful thing to put you through. It's almost like he needed to make sure that you would be feeling more sorry for him than for yourself and your child.

Honestly, such cruel and frankly stupid dishonesty would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

He was bound to be found out and yet he continued to lie. He lied about something that was going to come to light. That's stupid.

It's a lie that has had a profound effect on your life plans. To me that implies a deep disrespect for you as a person. That's cruel.

I could never, ever trust that person again. And when trust is gone, so is the relationship. I would never stay in a relationship in which I would have to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life because I feared that my partner was again playing fast and loose with money and unable to meet his financial obligations to our family, let alone possibly probably running up hidden debt. Debt that the family finances would have to help repay.

Thank God you have separate finances and the house belongs to your parents.

End this now. His addiction controls him. He will lie, lie again, then lie some more. He can never be trusted and your life will be spent checking and double checking your bank accounts, and the words that come out of his mouth. Addicts are chaotic. You will spend your life trying to manage him, his addiction and all of the out of control aspects of a life with him. This was my childhood growing up! My family life was full of anger, chaos and instability due to my Dads addiction. Don’t do this to your child. Give your son a stable loving home, even it it’s only you providing it.

Huge hug coming your way.

Being with an addict is exhausting and can be devastating. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I understand you must be fuming right now, but take some time to process what's going on.

There will be a bigger picture at play here; addiction [whether drugs, drink, eating, spending] stems from something and he will need to do a lot of work to get to the bottom of that.

It's not to say it has to be the end of you guys, but he will reach rock-bottom before he can move upwards again.
So many people get in over their heads, then take their own lives, and left-behind relatives say I wish they'd talked/I wish they hasn't done it, it's only debt etc etc....unless you've lived it, you have no idea how soul-destroying escapism/addiction and fighting it, can be.

Absolutely keep your finances separate. If need be, separate completely [look into universal credit] Your Husband will need to get a lot of help, it will be a long road ahead, but it could also be the making of you both and a stronger, better, relationship.

He is likely to feel as utterly horrific as you do. The guilt/shame etc has clearly eaten him up.

I have also had to report someone missing, not through gambling, but through substance abuse issues...and I feel your pain, it is heartbreaking.

Hugs x

@AllAroundTheWorldYeah

Gambling addiction is a mental illness, are you able to support him through his recovery? If so he needs to seek the help of a therapist and prove to you that he's working on overcoming this. It is possible, but you'll need to forgive him first.

And mental illnesses (and addictions) are incredibly hard to permanently solve ..... op will just be inflicting years of disappointment, frustration, stress, financial deprivation etc on herself and her child.

You didn't know him, you had a child very very early with him. If you'd known him for even a couple of years before having having child with him, you'd probably have seen the reality of his adduction, rather than the simple, sanitised and untrue summary he gave you. Don't compound your situation by throwing your lot I with him. You don't want to be linked with this man financially in any way.

The trust has gone. At least as others have said, at least you have found out now, before you have invested more time (and money) into him. Use your savings to build a life for you and your dc. He can be part of it, but at a distance. Realistically, he’ll never give up gambling, and even if he does for a while, you’ll be looking over your shoulder all the time. There’s probably hidden debts somewhere also.

Please ignore the PP who says you have to forgive him. You do not have to do anything. This is not your problem or your responsibility.

Your Husband will need to get a lot of help

They're nor married; if they were ops position would be worse because they'd be more entwined financially, abd he could go for 50% of her assets on divorce.

This is one man she should not marry, given she is sensible and good with money. He'll just fuck away anything he has access to.

I know of someone like this and to my knowledge he has never managed to stay on the band wagon for long.

Posters telling the OP to forgive him and support him please stop. She didn't know the man before falling pregnant and he's lied through the whole relationship. There IS no relationship to save and as for supporting him - let some other mug do that. She owes him nothing and has a child to think about.

Poor you. But be thankful you found out now. A friend of mine went through hell when her DH turned out to have a hidden gambling addiction. He fraudulently took out loans in both their names, she had bailiffs turning up at her door, it was awful.

Do not take him back. Do check out your credit score so you can be sure he has not taken out loans in your name.

This guy has a loving committed, sensible partner, a lovely child with her, a home provided by her supportive parents (with presumably subsidised rent or no rent) and he can't stay on the straight and narrow, he's been lying constantly about saving a deposit alongside his partner, letting her house hunt etc ...... if he can't act right in these circumstances; seriously when is he going to. What will happen when hesd half responsible for household costs Inc a mortgage and maybe another child?

I think the posters encouraging op to forgive and support are cruelly irresponsible.

I guess you've learnt the hard way about addiction: once an addict always an addict. At least you've got your own savings.

In fact he's likely to be more than half responsible for meeting household costs given op's a mum to a young child, and especially if she has more kids with him.

He's not trustworthy.

Oh and don't think that 'controlling the finances' will solve any problems. He can always get loans or credit cards on his own without you knowing about it. And the debt he racks up with them will still have to be paid.

DH's friend's elderly dad ("Bob") ruined his/his wife's finances. Bob started gambling, ran out their savings & investments, maxed credit cards and opened new ones, and even took a second mortgage on their house by forging his wife's signature. He got caught when a letter addressed to her showing the 2nd mortgage details arrived and he failed to intercept it.

Nothing worked to stop him because 'that big win is just around the corner'. Upon legal advice Mrs 'Bob' filed for divorce and Bob agreed to sign a rental property over to her. She was able to sell it to pay off the second on their home. Her standard of living is 'greatly reduced' but she can still keep a roof over her head and food in her mouth.

They're still together, he's still gambling, but at least she's no longer responsible for his debt and she has a secure mortgage-free home.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Posters telling the OP to forgive him and support him please stop. She didn't know the man before falling pregnant and he's lied through the whole relationship. There IS no relationship to save and as for supporting him - let some other mug do that. She owes him nothing and has a child to think about.

Exactly.

Can't believe those posts.

Please have him leave, op. He is an addict. He will ruin your life. All your hopes and dreams for you and your child will never amount to anything. He gambled while life was good. He will destroy you all when life gets tough.

You met and got pregnant so fast you didnt know him at all. He lied from the start. You dont know him now. Youve lost nothing but what you imagined your future would be. That wasnt real. Dont give away yours and your child’s potential happiness and security.

You owe him nothing.

You owe you and your child a good shot at life.

I've been very close to where you are, although the addiction wasn't gambling, the deceit and shock and loss of money were the same, even the disappearance and goodbye message. I'm so very sad for you. How can he do it? Probably by deluding himself that he would be able to replace the money and no harm done. I forgave and stayed. My advice to you, don't.

So he's been trying to take his sons future from him. He's selfish scum

A friends dad forged her mum signature on a remortgage form and gambled away their house. They were together over 30 years and it had been her house before she even met him.

If you go on the council waiting list you will be entitled to apply for the shared ownership homes the council have. it would be safer to share ownership with the council/housing association than with a gambler.

@AllAroundTheWorldYeah

Gambling addiction is a mental illness, are you able to support him through his recovery? If so he needs to seek the help of a therapist and prove to you that he's working on overcoming this. It is possible, but you'll need to forgive him first.

Why does the OP have to forgive him?

Lots of misinformation on this post, OP. No one can tell you what to do and I know this must be a total shock. Unfortunately Mumsnet is testament to the fact we can do terrible things to the people we live the most.

Having been there, I can guarantee that however you feel, he feels 100 times worse. You don't have to offer compassion or empathy but he probably does need someone in his life that can listen and help.

Encourage him to talk to someone. Gambling addictions are hard to overcome but it is possible.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Posters telling the OP to forgive him and support him please stop. She didn't know the man before falling pregnant and he's lied through the whole relationship. There IS no relationship to save and as for supporting him - let some other mug do that. She owes him nothing and has a child to think about.

Exactly.

No one is telling the OP to forgive him. It's so simple to shout LTB but as a PP said, each situation and relationship is different.

I’m sorry to hear this. I wouldn’t be able to forgive it because I would spend my life wondering and worrying what he is keeping secret in future.

I would like to think I would split up with him and start fresh on my own, however I understand getting the police involved and him returning home will have messed with your head and your heart. You need to remember that as relieved you are that he is ok and safe, you still don’t really know him ask he kept all of this from you.