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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The last 2 years of my life have been a lie

216 replies

absentpresence · 02/09/2021 14:05

I feel so lost. I have been with my partner for 2 years and 5 months. We have a 16 month old child together.

When we first got together he told me he previously had a gambling addiction and was paying off some debts as a result of it, but that he was no longer gambling. I had no reason not to believe him.

We started saving up for a mortgage not long after we got together as I fell pregnant by surprise 3 months into our relationship. We'd managed to save a very big sum of money which we were so proud of.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had just gone on a second viewing of a property and took a trusted family member along with me as I wanted to show them, and then hopefully make an offer on the property.

When I got home (we live with my family), my partner was not there. He had gone out in his car and not told me where. I tried calling him but his phone was switched off. A few minutes later I received a message from him confessing that he had been gambling throughout our entire relationship and in fact he had no savings at all. He must have immediately switched his phone off after as my calls would not connect.

Our whole relationship has been built on a foundation of complete deceit, and I feel at a total loss. I'm devastated for my son, I was so excited to be able to provide him with a home where he had his own bedroom and a garden to play. I'm devastated for myself that my entire future has been ripped from under my feet. I'm devastated got my partner that he succumbed to his addiction once again and felt he could not reach out to anybody about it.

I feel so lonely. I truly have no idea where to go from here. How can I ever trust this man again when he has found it so easy to lie to my face, and to my family.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this message. I just wanted to type my feelings out. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Loanne12 · 02/09/2021 20:23

Whatever you do op. DO NOT let this man back into your life and be fooled by his sob stories. He may ask you to pay off some of his debt for him to be able to "start saving" properly. Dont buy it. Protect your money. Personally I wouldnt even let him come back to me but that's up to you. He has a problem but until he gets professional help he cant offer or promise you anything op.

Original poster
absentpresence · 02/09/2021 20:30

Thanks so much for all of the replies, I really wasn't expecting such an incredible response to my ramble. I have been a reader of MN since I was pregnant, and I can't believe I have actually written a thread like this - similar to ones I have read over the past months. My life just seems surreal at the moment

I stayed up til the early hours of this morning with him researching how he can improve his credit score, working out how he can repay the payday loans he had taken out, and I found him a local gambling anonymous group which he is actually at right now (... I think). He has also installed some kind of software on his phone by Gamstop which prevents him from accessing gambling apps/sites. He had self-excluded from all of the apps and websites before installing this software too. I feel so naive to it all as I have never gambled before, I wouldn't even know where to start

His dad has a terrible gambling addiction and was the person who got him into it in the first place. My partners brother is also a gambler and has his wages paid to his wife and she gives him an allowance each month. I really don't know if I could do that for my partner, even the thought of it brings me so much stress. I feel like I would never be truly relaxed or content in life if I had to do this

Funnily enough his dad is the person with the most to say. He has been telling me what I need to do to fix this situation, saying I need to look into the companies who my partner took the payday loans out with and if he can counter-claim. I really lost my cool earlier and shouted down the phone at his dad while he was telling me something else I should be doing. I just don't see how it is my responsibility at all to mend any of this. My partner made these poor choices himself, influenced by his addict family. It's down to them to fix it, not me!

I am only 23. The weight on my shoulders right now is indescribable. I feel so guilty for my son, I feel responsible for the awful situation we are in and like I have failed to protect him.

OP posts:
Original poster
absentpresence · 02/09/2021 20:35

Also I feel so stupid for being so naive. I'm so grateful for the advice on what to check. I have checked my credit score, it's 983. I hope this is a good sign that my partner hasn't done anything in my name and hasn't been able to access my finances. I feel so vulnerable at the moment and like everything is false

OP posts:
bunsnroses1 · 02/09/2021 20:36

You're only 23... leave this mess way behind you. None of this is your fault x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/09/2021 20:37

23! that is a lot to deal with at such a young age. However, you still have your whole life ahead of you and the support of your parents. Please don't feel guilty for your son. You have protected him and he has you to shield him and you are NOT responsible for this mess. You are not the one who has lied and lied. He is.
The sentence that sprang out to me from your post was

I just don't see how it is my responsibility at all to mend any of this. My partner made these poor choices himself, influenced by his addict family. It's down to them to fix it, not me

I think you have hit the nail on the head.

ejhhhhh · 02/09/2021 20:41

Gosh, that is a lot. You're so right, it isn't your mess to sort out. Honestly, you're young, you have your whole life ahead of you, you could have such a different (better) life without him. I know you have your DS, but I'd almost be thankful that you find out Boe before you're enmeshed anymore financially. I'd walk away. There's a chance things could get better, but it's also highly likely it could get a whole lot worse. Part of the issue with a gambling addiction is the huge dishonesty that comes with it, they become absolute expert liars. You could never trust him. Never get a mortgage and buy a house with him. Never pool resources. Or you could kick him out and make a better life on your own, or with a new partner where you can have all those things other couples take for granted.

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 20:42

You are 23? Honestly, I will get out of the situation. For one thing if you solve his problems for him then he doesn't learn anything at all and he'll just carry on the way he is. It has to come from him. I would leave him and start again.

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 20:43

Sorry, I mean I would get out.

beastlyslumber · 02/09/2021 20:46

You don't know him really at all, OP - as you say, it's all been a lie from the start. I don't see how your relationship can recover from this. You've never known who he really is until now. Thank god you've found out before you've tied yourself to him legally or financially.

HonoreDeBallsack · 02/09/2021 20:47

OP, you are right about this man's dad. It isn't your business to fix his son's problem. His son needs to do this himself.

You are not much older than my oldest child. I would advise them to do exactly what I would advise you to do, namely take your child and walk away from this mess.

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 20:48

I'm livid on your behalf about his Dad telling you what to do to fix this. How dare he! Well done for shouting at him.

purplebicycle · 02/09/2021 20:51

Although some people mean well saying work on it, the OP can't do anything. Trust is lost. This man only told you because he was rumbled. And then he didn't tell you with any kind of respect.
My fad was an alcoholic OP. I wish to god my mum had left him. He's so selfish. I would always personally leave an addict as a result. I feel sorry for them but not enough to ruin my own life for it which is what my poor mother did.

JulesCobb · 02/09/2021 20:54

@PyjamaFan

I'm livid on your behalf about his Dad telling you what to do to fix this. How dare he! Well done for shouting at him.
Even if he wasnt a selfish, lying addict, now im older id tell my younger self to leave for that phone call alone. It tells me he was raised to believe it is always the womans job to deal with the problems. It is always the womans fault.
QueenOfWaitrosia · 02/09/2021 21:08

OP this is too much already. However, it is just the beginning of a lifetime of trying to fix/solve/survive - it sucks the joy out of everything.

As per my previous post, I have witnessed the chaos first hand and cannot stress enough that gambling will always be a demon in your partners life. He might keep a lid on it for a while, but you will never truly be free form the possibility of going from comfort to sudden destitution.

Whatever you decide to do, you should make your decision understanding the reality of the life that you are buying into. I'm really genuinely sorry - it's so hard when you love someone. But honestly, your love for your DC has to trump everything.

Unsure33 · 02/09/2021 21:14

I really feel for you .

A friend of mine had the same problem . She gave her OH loads of support , paid of his debts, got him help. She thought everything was fine . After a few years they planned their first holiday with their two young children and saved for months. She booked the holiday and went to draw out the balance , only to find out he had cleared the lot to gamble . Plus she found out he owed lots of money to family and work colleagues. That was the end for her . It was the lies and deceptions after everything she had done for him . She just could not take any more.

CheerfulBunny · 02/09/2021 21:16

Oh love, 23 is no age at all. You've got your whole life ahead. Put yourself and your child first.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2021 21:18

@CheerfulBunny

Oh love, 23 is no age at all. You've got your whole life ahead. Put yourself and your child first.
This 85 million times over. Don't throw one more second of your life away on him. FGS, do not stay with this man. His family should be a massive warning sign for your future.
IceMonster · 02/09/2021 21:33

Get yourself along to an al-anon meeting. They aren’t just for family members and parents of alcoholics, any addiction applies.

I’m sure you will be made very welcome and no-one will pressure you to leave him (or to stay with him) or to make any decision at all. But you’ll build some support for yourself, from people who understand, whatever your future holds.

DishingOutDone · 02/09/2021 21:36

You’re not married and your parents can help with housing for you and your son. He needs to leave and go back to his Dad whilst he sorts himself out then you can decide if there’s any future but Christ almighty 23 years old? Id be packing his bags for him for good.

GoWalkabout · 02/09/2021 21:47

I am so so sorry that you have lost what you thought you had. An addict once told me that addicts always lie, never to trust them. His family obviously have a genetic predisposition which is very sad. Whatever you do, never share finances with him or allow him access to shared money.

mysticpizza · 02/09/2021 21:48

He hasn't involved you in debt or theft yet and shocking as your discovery has been it's only the tip of the iceberg where reduced circumstances enter the stage.

On very, very thought through balance I decided to stay but only on the basis of an iron fisted, totally one sided (mine) control of the finances and a strict understanding that dh even looking sideways at a 10p one armed bandit would auto press the nuclear option. All that combined with permanent, visible and voluntary from dh commitment to attendance at GA because he wanted to give up for himself.

Don't underestimate this. Don't think love can fix it. It's stoppable but only a very small percentage do it and even when they want to give up it involves exhaustingly hard work from all concerned and permanent vigilance from partners.

Are you up for that?

Suzi888 · 02/09/2021 21:58

“He allowed me to search for properties, view them, and begin the process of getting a mortgage in principle. All whilst knowing that he actually had not saved any money at all’.

Absolutely despicable - this ^ is the worst part. He’s set you up for a fall, he could’ve told you he didn’t want a house, didn’t want to live together, ANYTHING!!!!!! but this.

None of this is your fault. I could never forgive him. He’s a thief (in terms of crushing your dreams) and he’s a liar. Bin him off.

If you do stay with him you control EVERYTHING!

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2021 22:06

If you do stay with him you control EVERYTHING

Fuck that nonsense. What kind of life is that? A man who you have to monitor and control like a toddler. You might as well have another baby. At least a baby adds joy to your life.

GettingItOutThere · 02/09/2021 22:35

your 23?!

sorry, but run away from this mess. Your son needs you to be stable, your partner can still be a great dad but you need to keep everything separate from now including finance, relationship etc

ThatsAllFolks · 02/09/2021 22:58

It's horrific but u have actually dodged a bullet. Gambling goes with lies and lies ruin a relationship. If my ex told me it was raining, me and the kids would look out of the window to check before we bothered engaging. He got through 100k in six months when I was dating him. Plausible stories, had been most generous to ex-wife in settlent, all bollocks. Swore he had stopped gambling. One day, I opened a letter from the bank addressed to me. 3k gambled from joint account in a weekend. I confronted him, he got angry I had opened this letter (addressed to me). Then said triumphantly that in any case he had won it back. No winnings ever appeared in joint account, all went to one of his own accounts. When I reminded him he had promised not to gamble any more, he said that he had told me what I wanted to hear and that he had always gambled. When confronted with the fact that my laptop suggested Paddy Power if you just typed in the letter P, he just denied it. Even tho it was staring him in the face. Just get rid. You are 23. You can't do this for 50 years and you should not try. I was 40 also with a baby and a career and it was horrendous. Luckily you have your family. Don't let his family drag u in to being the coper figure. Take care xx