The last 2 years of my life have been a lie

[absentpresence]

I feel so lost. I have been with my partner for 2 years and 5 months. We have a 16 month old child together.

When we first got together he told me he previously had a gambling addiction and was paying off some debts as a result of it, but that he was no longer gambling. I had no reason not to believe him.

We started saving up for a mortgage not long after we got together as I fell pregnant by surprise 3 months into our relationship. We'd managed to save a very big sum of money which we were so proud of.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had just gone on a second viewing of a property and took a trusted family member along with me as I wanted to show them, and then hopefully make an offer on the property.

When I got home (we live with my family), my partner was not there. He had gone out in his car and not told me where. I tried calling him but his phone was switched off. A few minutes later I received a message from him confessing that he had been gambling throughout our entire relationship and in fact he had no savings at all. He must have immediately switched his phone off after as my calls would not connect.

Our whole relationship has been built on a foundation of complete deceit, and I feel at a total loss. I'm devastated for my son, I was so excited to be able to provide him with a home where he had his own bedroom and a garden to play. I'm devastated for myself that my entire future has been ripped from under my feet. I'm devastated got my partner that he succumbed to his addiction once again and felt he could not reach out to anybody about it.

I feel so lonely. I truly have no idea where to go from here. How can I ever trust this man again when he has found it so easy to lie to my face, and to my family.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this message. I just wanted to type my feelings out. Thank you for reading.

@AllAroundTheWorldYeah

Kick the lying twat into touch.

What a lovely way to talk about a mentally ill person. I wonder how many of these types of responses would be more empathetic if his illness was a physical one instead. "Urgh, cancer, why chain yourself to that? You're so young, go find someone else"

...I'm sorry?

I have had cancer and major life altering surgery because of it . I was amazed at how much empathy ,kindness and support I was offered - individual counselling ,group support groups ,sedatives ,sleeping pills .

I don't think addicts are offered anything like this and I think they need it just as much .

Speaking as a recovering addict, this has to be the end. Addicts need consequences to change, and if you feel guilt-tripped into supporting him, that will not happen. He has stolen a version of the future from you and your kid you thought was stable and you could count on and that needs to be that. Every sympathy for a fellow addict but he needs to hit bottom and you need to be able to trust the person you’re building a life with, and these two things are incompatible. Hugely recommend Al-Anon as a safe and truly understanding place to process the rage and heartbreak.

@peridito

I have had cancer and major life altering surgery because of it . I was amazed at how much empathy ,kindness and support I was offered - individual counselling ,group support groups ,sedatives ,sleeping pills .

I don't think addicts are offered anything like this and I think they need it just as much .

They are, if they ask for it. There are many support groups available.

The trouble is, unlike surgery, when the patient is generally entirely in accord with her medical experts & wants to do nothing more than comply with the process & get better, an addict is able to fake compliance while simultaneously cheating the support system.

Hence you see gamblers showing their partners their wage slips or current accounts as 'proof' they are not gambling the family money away ... while taking out secret credit cards, loans, or even faking a relatives' signature to remortgage the property.
Heroin addicts swearing they are clean, but still scoring on the sly, & stealing money to fund it.
Alcoholics in total denial about the volume they are consuming, about how it makes them behave, while hiding the empty bottles.

It's just as tragic as a physical illness, but so much more divisive.
Because the addiction produces such destructive behaviour, & there comes a point where the family members affected simply have to acknowledge that while the addiction is forgiveable, the behaviours are not.

Oh! - & @perdito - I am sorry for everything you have been through, & hope you are in a comfortable & very long remission xx

Be glad you have found out now.

This is going to be your life if you continue with a relationship.

I wouldn't believe a word out of a gamblers mouth.
Ever.
It is a dreadful addiction.

@absentpresence

I am only 23. The weight on my shoulders right now is indescribable. I feel so guilty for my son, I feel responsible for the awful situation we are in and like I have failed to protect him.

You actually sound more mature than your age, OP. I really admire how you are dealing with your partner and his family.

Thank goodness, indeed, that you are not married to your partner, that your finances are separate and you are living in your parents' property. It could be so much worse.

I'm afraid I do echo other posters not to get further involved with your partner, and only aim for as amicable co-parenting instead. He has a great deal of work to do to get himself out of the situation he is in. Stay well away and protect your son and yourself.

Good luck for a less stressful future. 🌹

He’s an addict and he’s doing what addicts do - that is not taking responsibility. His family have been poor role models for him.
His addiction is very strong.
It’s not your responsibility to fix this man.
His father suggesting counter claiming pay day loans shows what type of messages he has grown up with.
Deceive!!!!!
You are right to not take responsibility for his issues.
He needs to work the 12 steps of gamblers anonymous.
He’s obviously has a shit childhood - no doubt neglected by his addicted father - where’s his mother out of curiosity.
You cannot cure this man.
You have no control over him.
You cannot change him.
I hope you have family support.
Stay strong. 💐

@AnotherDelphinium

That’s really tough

If you saved up a significant amount in just two years together, surely doing it again over the next two years isn’t too much of a stretch?

Can you keep it all in your own name so it’s no temptation to him? Depending on his debt levels it might be worth looking into declaring him bankrupt as it would wipe his debts and also make it very difficult for him to borrow in the near future.

But they didn't have a baby then. If he goes bankrupt they won't be able to get a mortgage at all.

Thank God you're clever enough to leave him. I wish I had been when I was your age and discovered my partner was a gambler. Sadly I went on to marry him and he destroyed our lives (me,DD, my wider family). Had debts of over £250k. Thankfully divorced and in a much better place now.

Just please don't ever let him back into your life as a partner. It's very big of you to even support him through this.

I wonder how many of these types of responses would be more empathetic if his illness was a physical one instead

Illness isn't a choice, gambling is.

Maybe OP should just sacrifice hers and her childs security and peace instead then and let him ruin their lives too??

No fucking chance.

Your sole responsibility is to your child.

Do not allow this man to drive you into the gutter with his addiction, because he will.

Your only chance is to end the relationship, get him out of your parents home.

He is not your responsibility.

Do not allow the stupidity of knowingly getting involved with an addict in the first place cost you and your child a happy peaceful future.

You both deserve better.

@Closetbeanmuncher

I wonder how many of these types of responses would be more empathetic if his illness was a physical one instead

Illness isn't a choice, gambling is.

Maybe OP should just sacrifice hers and her childs security and peace instead then and let him ruin their lives too??

No fucking chance.

No one chooses to have a mental illness!

& no one is saying that OP doesn't have the right to walk away if she wants to, for any reason.

Being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness can be tough. Being in a relationship with someone with a physical illness can be tough too.

I was a compulsive gambler for years, hid it from my husband completely.
I always paid my contribution to the household bills, but behind the scenes it was overdrafts, credit cards and loans.
I could not stop, it just got worse and worse.. like a terrible spiral.
One day I was at the train station, and I seriously considered stepping out in front of a train, as I could see no way out.
I joined GamCare and went on the forums, who advised me to come clean to my husband … I really couldn’t see how I could do this, it had been going on for years, I thought he would be angry or betrayed.
I told him, and he was the total opposite, he was supportive and understanding.
I registered on Gamstop (so I can’t gamble online, as I’m excluded from all sites), my debts are 2/3rds of the way paid off, and I’ve not gambled for 3.5 years.
My husband has been an absolute rock, he’s never made me feel stupid, or guilty, or useless (trust me I felt those things about myself)
He could have just kicked me out … but we are stronger than ever

Oh @ExtraOnions.

Well done you, & well done your DH.
Stay strong

Hi op I just wanted to say a huge well done to you for making that brave, sensible decision.
I h ace a friend who stuck by her gambling partner, only now the mental strain it has left us coming back to haunt her. She is on her knees with having to cope with him, I'm trying to be supportive but she can barely leave the house due to his issues.
Stay strong you have made the right decision.