The last 2 years of my life have been a lie

[absentpresence]

I feel so lost. I have been with my partner for 2 years and 5 months. We have a 16 month old child together.

When we first got together he told me he previously had a gambling addiction and was paying off some debts as a result of it, but that he was no longer gambling. I had no reason not to believe him.

We started saving up for a mortgage not long after we got together as I fell pregnant by surprise 3 months into our relationship. We'd managed to save a very big sum of money which we were so proud of.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had just gone on a second viewing of a property and took a trusted family member along with me as I wanted to show them, and then hopefully make an offer on the property.

When I got home (we live with my family), my partner was not there. He had gone out in his car and not told me where. I tried calling him but his phone was switched off. A few minutes later I received a message from him confessing that he had been gambling throughout our entire relationship and in fact he had no savings at all. He must have immediately switched his phone off after as my calls would not connect.

Our whole relationship has been built on a foundation of complete deceit, and I feel at a total loss. I'm devastated for my son, I was so excited to be able to provide him with a home where he had his own bedroom and a garden to play. I'm devastated for myself that my entire future has been ripped from under my feet. I'm devastated got my partner that he succumbed to his addiction once again and felt he could not reach out to anybody about it.

I feel so lonely. I truly have no idea where to go from here. How can I ever trust this man again when he has found it so easy to lie to my face, and to my family.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this message. I just wanted to type my feelings out. Thank you for reading.

Funnily enough his dad is the person with the most to say. He has been telling me what I need to do to fix this situation, saying I need to look into the companies who my partner took the payday loans out with and if he can counter-claim. I really lost my cool earlier and shouted down the phone at his dad while he was telling me something else I should be doing. I just don't see how it is my responsibility at all to mend any of this. My partner made these poor choices himself, influenced by his addict family. It's down to them to fix it, not me!

Fucking hell. Well done OP.
Run for the fucking hills, you do NOT need to get enmeshed with this man & his dysfunctional family.
Your (I hope soon to be ex) partner clearly inherited manipulation & pushing responsibility onto others along with his gambling habit from his charming dad.

Please pay a lot of attention to PP alerting you to the possibility of fraud, & check your own credit ratings etc.
Also - that even if you decided to continue the relationship but controlled his income like you were his mummy - he will find a way to cheat that system, take out secret credit cards etc.

I know this hurts, & you are going to be reeling for a while.
But better you found out now.
Imagine if you'd bought that house together, & he'd sneakily borrowed & borrowed against it. You'd be 50% liable, & could so easily lose your home.

I hope your parents are the kind you can tell about this - you need real life support, not people sermonising at you about forgiveness & all this Stand By Your Man bullshit.

The PP who said he is feeling 100 times worse than you are right now is a fucking disgrace btw.

This is an amazingly honest story which I think gives a really good feel for what is happening for gambling addicted people. Have a listen, it might be tough given how raw you are but it has hope in it.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000v61m

I am only 23. The weight on my shoulders right now is indescribable. I feel so guilty for my son, I feel responsible for the awful situation we are in and like I have failed to protect him.

Lumme OP.
You ARE protecting your son.
You are providing him with secure accommodation, & at only 23 years of age have already saved half of what you need for a deposit on your own future gaff.

The only person who failed to protect their son here is his father.
You are doing better than you realise OP.
Take some time to allow your emotions to be all over the place. This awful shock, betrayal, & the fucking despicable 'goodbye message' - (oh sorry, did I say goodbye & scare you, what I meant was I'll be home in 2 hours expecting my manipulative little outburst to make you centre my needs & feelings over your own ...) - is a lot to process.
But you are in a good position, & have got yourself there at a young age with a small child. Good for you!

[quote PieceOfString]This is an amazingly honest story which I think gives a really good feel for what is happening for gambling addicted people. Have a listen, it might be tough given how raw you are but it has hope in it.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000v61m[/quote]
Hope for moving past this with your child that is, not slab salvaging your relationship necessarily. It would give you a good idea what you're dealing with.

Oh please, dear girl, don't take this on at your age!! At 23 you should be living a carefree and confident life!

Don't saddle yourself with having to be this loser's 'personal watchdog' and the family 'money guarder' for the rest of your life. It's already started: they've already made you feel responsible for 'straightening him out'. You will be doing it again and again for the next 50 years!!!

What a waste of your potential and your happiness. You have a home owned by your parents so are probably pretty secure as far as a roof over your head. Talk to them about your situation.

Now is the time to break free, not down the line when he's lost you everything and may possibly make you homeless. And because out there are decent chaps who are trustworthy and honourable and who would consider themselves lucky to have you.

Don't fix this for him. Don't show him how to repair his credit file. Don't phone the payday loan companies.

If he wants to fix it then he can. Don't bail him out. His problem. Not yours.

Honestly I would walk away. I couldn't live with the fear that all our money and security could be gone in the drop of a hat. They can gamble thousands in hours. It can be that fast.

He comes from an environment where excessive gambling is normal. He has lied to you from the very start of your relationship. He is probably still lying.

He's manipulative. Saying goodbye and turning his phone off was calculated to make you worry about him, feel sorry for him. Make him the victim not the perpetrator.

Don't live that life. At 23 you could have a bright, happy exciting future. Be anything. Don't be dragged down by him.

@IceMonster

Get yourself along to an al-anon meeting. They aren’t just for family members and parents of alcoholics, any addiction applies.

I’m sure you will be made very welcome and no-one will pressure you to leave him (or to stay with him) or to make any decision at all. But you’ll build some support for yourself, from people who understand, whatever your future holds.

OP can you imagine this as your future?

Where not only does your partner have to go to meetings for the rest of his life to stop him gambling ever again, but also you attend meetings with other relatives because you need support in dealing with the long term consequences of addiction?

Fuck that!

2 of my exes when I was younger were addicts and 25 years later they still haven't changed.

Advice from someone previously married to a gambler: end the relationship now. He lied and lied and lied, it broke me and our marriage.

Get out while you can.

His father and brother are gamblers,do you want your son to go this path and think this is normal male behaviour? Walk away for you and your son.You are blessed he has done this now and not 5 years down the line ,with a house ,marriage , more kids and longer history together.you are so young and have your life ahead of you. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour so chances are he will do this again.

Aquamarine1029
'I hope you are wise enough to end your relationship, because I guarantee he will absolutely ruin your life if you don't. He is an addict, and he will do anything, fuck anyone over, to continue gambling. You will never, ever be able to trust him, and there is nothing you can do to fix him.'

Oh this is truly Mumsnet at its total best. Maybe you should lobby all those voluntary services Aquamarine, you know, set up to help the totally helpless cases? Bec aide your 'guarantee' that they won't or can't change is official! They probably don't know enough to realise it's totally futile. I think YOU need to let them know they are battling in vain?
Mumsnet at its best, this thread. I know 10 lines about your situation and I have totally diagnosed what you MUST do, at all costs. And if you don't LTB, weellllll, you only have yourself to blame....

@NoPrivateSpy

Aquamarine1029 'I hope you are wise enough to end your relationship, because I guarantee he will absolutely ruin your life if you don't. He is an addict, and he will do anything, fuck anyone over, to continue gambling. You will never, ever be able to trust him, and there is nothing you can do to fix him.'

Oh this is truly Mumsnet at its total best. Maybe you should lobby all those voluntary services Aquamarine, you know, set up to help the totally helpless cases? Bec aide your 'guarantee' that they won't or can't change is official! They probably don't know enough to realise it's totally futile. I think YOU need to let them know they are battling in vain?
Mumsnet at its best, this thread. I know 10 lines about your situation and I have totally diagnosed what you MUST do, at all costs. And if you don't LTB, weellllll, you only have yourself to blame....

Yeah, a 23 year old woman should definitely decide that Love Conquers All & Stand By her Man.

After all, there at least a 5% chance that his addiction won't fuck her life & finances over. And what's wrong with 2 years of abject lies & a dysfunctional family background, compared with the horror of being young, capable, solvent & single?

Haha, that is completely what I'm saying, yes. Is it possible, just even for one millisecond, that not everyone on this post can predict the future? Maybe? That the next step is maybe talk to your partner before you leave him? Heaven forbid!

I am only 23, I don’t understand this comment, given you were even younger when you started playing house with someone you barely knew and what you did know, was enough for you to proceed with caution.

Your bf sounds very immature and given his family background, I doubt that he’s going to grow up any time soon. If you don’t want the parent child dynamic of your bf’s SIL relationship, then don’t try to manage/ mitigate his addiction.

I’d think twice about investing more time with someone with as much growing up to do as your bf.

Hi op. Why has it taken this for him to seek help and put those apps etc on his devices?

I would split up or separate. It is up to him to stop and save the money he should have saved over the next few years. If he can manage that and you're still available then maybe you have a future. But this is for him to sort and not you. You're young and with a young child. You don't need the added responsibility and stress of policing and treating someone's addiction.

My friends brother is a gambling addict. Despite earning lots of money his siblings and parents have to continually bail him out . His relationships don't last I'm guessing because of this (he is a really nice guy).

I gave my ex more chances than I should have, was sympathetic, urged him to get help, took over as much of the finances as possible, sought help for myself and came to the conclusion that he would never change if I stayed married to him. He never took any of my threats to leave if he didn't stop gambling seriously, so in the end I just said "that's it, we're done." I wasn't going to grow old with this person who disrespected me and who I'd have to constantly monitor like a detective so he wouldn't waste our money.

In my case it wasn't just the money lost but the constant lies and empty promises; the lack of respect I'd felt for years from him in gambling plus several other addictions and unacceptable reckless behaviors. I lost all respect for him in the end. I did not want to be his mother and controller of all finances, and he wouldn't allow me to be in charge of all finances because "I was treating him like he was a child." Yes, I was, because he was acting worse than one.

You can try to steer him towards help, but if or when it becomes apparent that he doesn't respect you and your son enough to actively seek help, then you must cut your losses.

Don't let your guard down just because he's making a big act of trying to fix everything right now. He may be doing it just to get you off his back, and then when you let your guard down, he'll be right back at it. Vigilance is key, but as I said, vigilance can be much to great a burden on you.

Thank goodness you are not married!

Good luck to you and you sound like a very mature 23 year old.

Just to say that if you do not leave the relationship. If you stay and take control (and responsibility for everything). If you never trust him to make financial decisions (If you can never even trust him to do a small food shop and actually return with food). That is a lot (all of) of responsibility on you. Responsibility for a roof over your head, food on the table and clothes for your child.
It changes the dynamic of the relationship from being partners to you being his carer. That gets old very quickly.

I think you should count your lucky stars that you still have your own savings, you are not married and you only "wasted" 2 years on this man. Dont see it as a waste - you have your DC!

I know how it feels when you have invested time and effort in a relationship and you have a child together. I really do.

But you cannot now trust him. Even if you stay together you will have to police his moves and finances for the rest of your time together. And that will erode at both of you. He will resent you for controlling him and you will resent him for being untrustworthy. I honestly see no good outcome for this.

You can buy a house if you carry on saving like you have done. It may not be the house you wanted but a house nonetheless. And it will be yours, not his to gamble away.

Even if you stay together, do not under any circumstances marry this man or pool finances!

And if there is no trust, there is no relationship.

Do not go down the rabbit hole of enabling this person like his own father has done and also wants you to do.

I can't believe people are suggesting she stay with this waste of space.

OP you're very young and have your entire life ahead of you.
His father and brother are both addicts. Your bf isn't suddenly going to stop. It has been ingrained in him since birth.

Staying with him will ruin you financially and mentality and your DC will be at high risk for addiction.

You'll be playing mom cop as long as you're with him.

What did your parents have to say about why he's done and how old is the bf?

Send him back to his dads and go on to live a happy life.

You cannot help an addict, no matter what their vice. They can only help themselves and the sooner you come to terms with this fact, the easier your life will be. You looking up all these things for him, is doing the leg work for him. He is fully capable of doing this all himself. You need to contact an organisation that supports the families of gamblers and get some support for yourself before you decide what to do about this relationship.

Please leave, you are too young to put up with this and deserve more. This will only be the tip of the iceberg in what comes in the future. End it now.

Please please please listen to the posters that are telling you to stop trying to fix this and just walk away.

My ex husband hid his gambling addiction from me for many years and the lies and deceit that come with it will destroy you if you stay.
He too told me he was getting help but ultimately addiction is stronger than he was and he just became more secretive and inventive with his deception. He too was the son of a gambling addict, his dad used to get him to pick racehorses for him from when he was a young child.

Build your dreams with your DC, this man will never help you build the life you want.

OP none of this is your fault. He was a gambler from the start and when you get much older than you are now with more life experience you’d know that a gambling addict who tells you he’s not gambling is a bit fat liar. But at your age I would have thought the same as you and also wanted to believe it too. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you’ve had a lucky escape

My ex was constantly over spending.
He too would promise the moon, and then do it again.

This man will drag you down.

I’ve just read your updates—you are at a crossroads in your life, if you don’t leave this man now (and separate your living spaces) he will DESTROY you. Multiple other posters have told of how gamblers can access money in your name, take loans in your name, all while innocently showing you their salary sitting in their account.

If you trust him—or even think this situation is workable—then you are just making yourself into a total mug. Seriously, you ask how to trust him—the answer is, don’t. Ever. Not at all. You can’t trust him to have the same poastal address as you even.