The last 2 years of my life have been a lie

[absentpresence]

I feel so lost. I have been with my partner for 2 years and 5 months. We have a 16 month old child together.

When we first got together he told me he previously had a gambling addiction and was paying off some debts as a result of it, but that he was no longer gambling. I had no reason not to believe him.

We started saving up for a mortgage not long after we got together as I fell pregnant by surprise 3 months into our relationship. We'd managed to save a very big sum of money which we were so proud of.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had just gone on a second viewing of a property and took a trusted family member along with me as I wanted to show them, and then hopefully make an offer on the property.

When I got home (we live with my family), my partner was not there. He had gone out in his car and not told me where. I tried calling him but his phone was switched off. A few minutes later I received a message from him confessing that he had been gambling throughout our entire relationship and in fact he had no savings at all. He must have immediately switched his phone off after as my calls would not connect.

Our whole relationship has been built on a foundation of complete deceit, and I feel at a total loss. I'm devastated for my son, I was so excited to be able to provide him with a home where he had his own bedroom and a garden to play. I'm devastated for myself that my entire future has been ripped from under my feet. I'm devastated got my partner that he succumbed to his addiction once again and felt he could not reach out to anybody about it.

I feel so lonely. I truly have no idea where to go from here. How can I ever trust this man again when he has found it so easy to lie to my face, and to my family.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this message. I just wanted to type my feelings out. Thank you for reading.

@absentpresence

Also I feel so stupid for being so naive. I'm so grateful for the advice on what to check. I have checked my credit score, it's 983. I hope this is a good sign that my partner hasn't done anything in my name and hasn't been able to access my finances. I feel so vulnerable at the moment and like everything is false

Unfortunately the feeling of vulnerability you feel right now is accurate. Remember that feeling, because he’s going to try to manipulate and twist you.

Are you leaving him? If not, you need to know that you are choosing to put your own future and your child’s on the line.

It's good you have your savings - well done for being savvy OP. But he won't change, ever. You need to dump him otherwise you will never know where you are and he'll drag you down. Sorry to be tough, but gambling addiction is awful and very difficult to overcome.

I also think you should still up-this it’s no life for you or your son-he deserves better. If you don’t split you will have to control all his finances to W and give him pocket money-deeply unattractive

OP you are so young. Whatever happens longterm, you need to split from this man now. If you really want to save the relationship you could insist that while separated he needs to prove he's getting help for his addiction and that his finances are under control (you will need to see evidence of this) before you could ever consider trying again.

I would fuck him off
The level of deceit over such a long period of time shows he is very capable of persistently lying to to you
He could lie to you about anything in the future and you won’t spot it
You are so young, way to young to be policing someone in a relationship (nobody should tbf)
Bin and move on you have so much life to live to be dealing with this shit
Once trust has gone the relationship is dead

Absolutely get shot

@Flowers500

I’ve just read your updates—you are at a crossroads in your life, if you don’t leave this man now (and separate your living spaces) he will DESTROY you. Multiple other posters have told of how gamblers can access money in your name, take loans in your name, all while innocently showing you their salary sitting in their account.

If you trust him—or even think this situation is workable—then you are just making yourself into a total mug. Seriously, you ask how to trust him—the answer is, don’t. Ever. Not at all. You can’t trust him to have the same poastal address as you even.

Agree. Sending strength to you OP. You will need to be strong in the short term to leave, but it you stay you will never be free. Everything he's doing now, it's panic. Like an alcoholic pouring bottles down the sink in front of you vowing never to drink again. You are too young to have to support him to this extent. Put yourself and your child first and leave.

The only person who can fix him, is him.

You can't do this for him. And you can't keep checking everything for him. What sort of life would that be? You would never have a partner. I'd be too terrified of legally tying myself to a man like this.

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for your messages of support, advice and wisdom. I truly appreciate them all.

This morning I have asked him to go back to his dad's for the night tonight. I am working night shifts this weekend so he will need to come back here for those nights for our son.

I've told him that whilst I am willing to support him mentally as a peer, I can't do it as a partner. The deceit is just too much for me. I want to support him in his recovery, for our son's sake more than anything, but I can't be in a relationship with him. I made it clear that I would not be providing any financial support at all.

I'm feeling quite relieved now I've told him this, but I am now terrified at the thought of my son spending time round my partner's dad's house and being exposed to gambling. My partner's brother, who I have mentioned previously, also lives in this house. So there will be three gamblers under one roof. How can I be comfortable sending my son there.

Having re-read my last comment, just to be clear, I told him that he needs to move back in with his dad, but he does need to stay overnight here this weekend because I'm working two night shifts. After that, he will be back at his dad's. Our romantic relationship is over with, but I really would like to try and support him as a peer, for the sake of my son. I made it clear to him that me and my family absolutely are not closing the door on him completely, we all want to help him through this and see him in recovery.

I'm so sorry for you and your dc.

How much had you expected him to save in these 2 years? I am asking to get an idea of his gambling issues...ie, how much has he wasted away on gambling?

He won't change. My friend was married to someone like this and over the course of 15-20 years he lost them almost everything several times over.

Taking debts out in her name, forging her signature to remortgage the house, etc.

He built up debts of £100,000+ (added up over those years), and although they've split last year due directly to his gambling (again, after promising he'd stopped again) she is still responsible for some of those debts.

He put his gambling above making sure his dc were provided for too and your dp will do the same.

It is a powerful addiction and one that you are never free from, the same with all addictions. An alcoholic that doesn't drink is still an alcoholic.... just a dry one.

@absentpresence

Thanks so much for all of the replies, I really wasn't expecting such an incredible response to my ramble. I have been a reader of MN since I was pregnant, and I can't believe I have actually written a thread like this - similar to ones I have read over the past months. My life just seems surreal at the moment

I stayed up til the early hours of this morning with him researching how he can improve his credit score, working out how he can repay the payday loans he had taken out, and I found him a local gambling anonymous group which he is actually at right now (... I think). He has also installed some kind of software on his phone by Gamstop which prevents him from accessing gambling apps/sites. He had self-excluded from all of the apps and websites before installing this software too. I feel so naive to it all as I have never gambled before, I wouldn't even know where to start

His dad has a terrible gambling addiction and was the person who got him into it in the first place. My partners brother is also a gambler and has his wages paid to his wife and she gives him an allowance each month. I really don't know if I could do that for my partner, even the thought of it brings me so much stress. I feel like I would never be truly relaxed or content in life if I had to do this

Funnily enough his dad is the person with the most to say. He has been telling me what I need to do to fix this situation, saying I need to look into the companies who my partner took the payday loans out with and if he can counter-claim. I really lost my cool earlier and shouted down the phone at his dad while he was telling me something else I should be doing. I just don't see how it is my responsibility at all to mend any of this. My partner made these poor choices himself, influenced by his addict family. It's down to them to fix it, not me!

I am only 23. The weight on my shoulders right now is indescribable. I feel so guilty for my son, I feel responsible for the awful situation we are in and like I have failed to protect him.

@absentpresence, my friend went through all this and had to take over control of all finances. He still found ways to gamble. If you're researching it and doing it all for him it definitely won't work.

The hard work needs to come from him. Her dh went to counselling, blocked himself on all online sites as well as local shops, but he just found other ways to gamble.
He never lasted more than a year without gambling and the slightest stress was his excuse to fall off the wagon and start gambling again. He was also never honest if he lapsed, so the debts would just keep mounting.

What you've written here, she could've written word for word, except she's nearly 20 years further on and now older (they got together when they were 20). She didn't find out for the 1st 5 or 6 years, iirc, she was very trusting when younger and he managed all the finances, but lost them their home, and that's when he came clean the 1st time.

Well done for being so strong.

They never give up and stay clear.
He will always try to get your money and the child's money to use for himself.
You will always have to police him.

Hi op. Why has it taken this for him to seek help and put those apps etc on his devices?

OP, if you take one thing from this thread, please take this. ^^

He is only putting these steps in place because he could no longer get away with lying to you.
If he had genuine good intentions for you, he would have taken these steps anytime in the last 2 years.
He didn't.
Because that phone app etc is just window dressing.
It comes from the same manipulative school as his awful goodbye message. And you already know how real that was - he rocked up, right as rain, 2 hours later ...

He is playing you OP.
He wants you to be the person who carries on providing the roof over his head, & his dad thinks you should take on all the responsibility of tackling his addiction.

Get away from this family.

You can buy a house if you carry on saving like you have done. It may not be the house you wanted but a house nonetheless. And it will be yours, not his to gamble away.

Amen, @THisbackwithavengeance

My partner's brother, who I have mentioned previously, also lives in this house. So there will be three gamblers under one roof. How can I be comfortable sending my son there.

You can't be.
Which is why this - kindly as it is - is such a terrible idea:

Our romantic relationship is over with, but I really would like to try and support him as a peer, for the sake of my son.

He's not your peer OP.
He lost that privilege when he lied to you for 2 years, let you have all those happy dreams about house-buying, & FFS let you get to the stage of making an offer on a property he knew damn well there was not the deposit for.

You are setting yourself up, mentally, for some kind of caring role in your ex's life. Don't. Do you want to get further enmeshed with this family of gamblers? There is a thin line between "being supportive" & the dad's batshit notion that you ought to start ringing round the payday loan companies for him.

You also need a cleaner break than this OP.
Please stop making promises to a man who has done nowt but lie to you & squash your future.

The very best thing you can do for your son is ensure he has a mother who is as far removed from his father's family as it is possible to be.

Two things that spring to mind:

1. Thank goodness you aren’t married, and
2. That you kept your savings separate.

I know this must be awful and a terrible shock, but hopefully you can take the above from it.

I would want to separate from someone who behaved so dishonestly, as you won’t be able to trust again. However hopefully you will be able to get a nice house for you and your Dd sooner than you think, and can co parent with him.

Kick the lying twat into touch.

What a lovely way to talk about a mentally ill person. I wonder how many of these types of responses would be more empathetic if his illness was a physical one instead. "Urgh, cancer, why chain yourself to that? You're so young, go find someone else"

End the relationship now.
And make sure access to your funds is completely secure. Hide your cards.

Right now is the most important point.
Either you drag on with huge feelings of being lied to. Or you put your children first and protect them and their future and end it. Then buy a property on your own when you can.

Wishing you all the best

Please don't mother your partner.
End it now. He needs to move out. If he wants to get help let him.

It sounds as if you've found a solution you can live with, for now. You've struck a balance between compassion and your independence. But remember that your independence is paramount and should never be put second to his recovery.

Just remember that you and your family's offer of help is not permanent nor should it be unconditional. You have the right to withdraw it at any time and especially if he doesn't do his OWN work on his addiction. You're there to support, not to enable or do his work for him.

My brother is a recovering alcoholic. I know from hard experience that any addict must do their own recovery. It's the only way it 'sticks'.

You've been very brave, if you were my daughter I'd be incredibly proud that you have found such a sensible solution. Must hurt like hell but thank god you've got your family - to support YOU, not him, kind as they are to offer.

@AllAroundTheWorldYeah

Kick the lying twat into touch.

What a lovely way to talk about a mentally ill person. I wonder how many of these types of responses would be more empathetic if his illness was a physical one instead. "Urgh, cancer, why chain yourself to that? You're so young, go find someone else"

Thats a pretty horrible comparison, do you know anyone with cancer or a serious illness? A gambler is not a mentally ill victim, unable to control what happens to him/her. A gambler infects his poison on all in his life. A gambler will drag down anyone involved with them. A gambler cares about number one at the expense of everyone else. And if you want to cast a gambler in the role of mentally ill victim that’s a great excuse for them to never ever take responsibility for their own gambling choices, and to keep spreading their poison to others.

Don’t compare a gambler to someone with cancer, it’s warped.

@TheGrassIsGreenerish gambling is an addiction. Addiction is a disease. It causes compulsive, destructive behaviour. I have lived with a gambler and everything you say about them dragging others down and being selfish is true. Like all addictions there's only so much that others can do, the real desire to stop has to come from the addict themselves.

But despite the time, money and sanity I lost from being with a gambler, I can still show enough empathy to recognise that it is a mental illness. No need to be quite so brutal.