The last 2 years of my life have been a lie

[absentpresence]

I feel so lost. I have been with my partner for 2 years and 5 months. We have a 16 month old child together.

When we first got together he told me he previously had a gambling addiction and was paying off some debts as a result of it, but that he was no longer gambling. I had no reason not to believe him.

We started saving up for a mortgage not long after we got together as I fell pregnant by surprise 3 months into our relationship. We'd managed to save a very big sum of money which we were so proud of.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had just gone on a second viewing of a property and took a trusted family member along with me as I wanted to show them, and then hopefully make an offer on the property.

When I got home (we live with my family), my partner was not there. He had gone out in his car and not told me where. I tried calling him but his phone was switched off. A few minutes later I received a message from him confessing that he had been gambling throughout our entire relationship and in fact he had no savings at all. He must have immediately switched his phone off after as my calls would not connect.

Our whole relationship has been built on a foundation of complete deceit, and I feel at a total loss. I'm devastated for my son, I was so excited to be able to provide him with a home where he had his own bedroom and a garden to play. I'm devastated for myself that my entire future has been ripped from under my feet. I'm devastated got my partner that he succumbed to his addiction once again and felt he could not reach out to anybody about it.

I feel so lonely. I truly have no idea where to go from here. How can I ever trust this man again when he has found it so easy to lie to my face, and to my family.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this message. I just wanted to type my feelings out. Thank you for reading.

This is going to sound harshyes gambling is an addiction and people who do it need support, but you should NEVER stake your life/finances to someone with a history here. Ever. I can imagine this is devastating but what has happened is going to be an overall good in your lifeyou should NEVER consider tying yourself financially to this man. You should never buy a house together, never give him access to your money or possessions, and never marry him. He simply cannot be trusted to keep a roof over his child's head.

At least the place you live is yours--kick him out and get child maintenance. Re-assess your finances and see what you can afford solo. He's a grown man, if he actually wants help he can get it himself. But do not ever trust him.

I would leave.

The only way I would consider staying in the relationship was if his payslip was sent directly to my bank account and he would have an allowance.

Thats ridiculous though, its like managing a child.

how awful for you xx

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Posters telling the OP to forgive him and support him please stop. She didn't know the man before falling pregnant and he's lied through the whole relationship. There IS no relationship to save and as for supporting him - let some other mug do that. She owes him nothing and has a child to think about.

100%!!!!!! Why the hell would you throw away your life and the future of your child because a man of 2 years is a selfish, useless drag? Yes he needs help, he's an adult and he should get that himself. He has no right to use another person as a life raft

The house we live in belongs to my parents.

^^
And what's their take on this??

I couldn't stay with someone who did that to me.

He'll have been convinced he could win and never have to tell you. Addicts have very twisted logic and will always find a way to justify themselves.

If you do decide not to leave him then don't marry him and keep your finances totally separate.

It's no life imo but you have to decide what's best for you. It's not a decision you have to rush. You're in shock. Take your time.

Awww poor you op. I think he has to go. Addicts do not change overnight but they continue wreck everyone's lives around them until they decide something changes.

@NoPrivateSpy

Lots of misinformation on this post, OP. No one can tell you what to do and I know this must be a total shock. Unfortunately Mumsnet is testament to the fact we can do terrible things to the people we live the most.

Having been there, I can guarantee that however you feel, he feels 100 times worse. You don't have to offer compassion or empathy but he probably does need someone in his life that can listen and help.

Encourage him to talk to someone. Gambling addictions are hard to overcome but it is possible.

Nobody is saying it is impossible.

But I doubt his feelings are "100 times worse" as he won't actually be focussing on OP or their child. He can't, as every recovering adult should be able to say out loud, at this stage of his addiction his first and last thought will be for himself.

But you are right, OP could encourage him to seek help without offering to be part of it herself.

As an addiction gambling can keep you looking for that big win and is very difficult to stop. Yes the deceit is the worst and he was likely too ashamed and in false hope of being able to win the money back. I would try to understand his problem and talk it over but he needs to make the changes and get help. X

OP this is awful, you must be in shock. BUT it's clear from what you've explained that you are a million times more responsible and sorted than him. You still have your savings, you're in the fortunate position of having a home that he can't make a claim on, and your son will be fine with you at the helm. Of course it's messy now but I think it's much better to move on from this man who you can never trust again.

Whether you choose to be supportive to an addict is one thing, but having been lied to to that extent - I couldn't get past that. That tells you he will lie to you rather than respect you when he's in a sticky situation, and I don't think that will change. TBH you don't even know if what he's said now is the truth, or all of it.

I was with a liar - different situation and more constant small lies than big ones - but it just destroys the relationship, because you can't believe them. If you stayed with him you'd just endlessly never now what to believe.

and a big (((hug))) for you and look after yourself.

This is unforgiveable in my book. He deceived you from day one, and wasted all of your hard earn savings on nothing. Totally disrectful to you, your son and what you wanting to achieve together. You may be heart broken now but you deserve better and will find someone to be truly happy with.

Protect your child from a lifetime of misery and end it.

If you ever married this duplicitous fool you are looking at a future of instability, homelessness and destitution.

Someone who can lie to your face day in day out is definately not to be trusted, and the goodbye message was extremely manipulative and cruel.

Run far and fast.

I think eventually you might forgive him, but only from a distance, OP! I mean that he has been a future faker from the very start, so you are not actually with the man you thought you were. I don't think his relationship with you has any future; there is no way back to you from where he has placed himself, but he is your DC's other DP, so it should be possible for him to have contact with his DS as well as to support him financially.

No playing at happy families in your house, though, I suggest.

People are suggesting he needs your support and forgiveness. If he had been honest with you at any point, perhaps you might feel you could find a way, but in these circumstances, I'd just say remember these three truths:

You did not cause his problem;
You cannot solve his problem;
You are under no obligation to support him through any attempt he may make to solve his problem.

There are professionals and support groups to help him; leave it to those who have the experience and expertise. You need to put yourself and your child first now, and ensure you are in a place where he can do you no further harm and where his lies cannot cause you more hurt. He is a ruthless, persistent liar and there can be no believing anything he tells you, so it''s best not to listen.

Of course he will hate leaving his DC and losing his home comforts (formerly provided by you) and this may make him desperate enough to launch a full on campaign to convince you he has changed, or will change or can change but only with you by his side, yadda yadda yadda. You don't need to hear that. You don't have to listen to that.

It seems he may already have threatened suicide. Many people do; few carry it through. Ultimately, it's his life and you can't tell him what to do with it. If he wants to end it, it's his decision. Threatening suicide is a well-known tactic for bringing someone to heel and controlling their life. Don't be manipulated. If he calls or storms off saying he's going to end it, call the police every time just like you did this time. If he knows the response will always come from them, not you, he will stop the threats, but remember you cannot protect him from himself.

I'm so glad you had your savings separate! But do go online and change all your passwords and at the first opportunity, change your PINs. He may have more account details than you realise and he could be desperate enough to defraud you. Open any mail that comes for him (yes, I know it's illegal) in case he has taken out loans or credit cards in your name.

Do a credit check on yourself and find out your credit score. That will be a big clue to indicate wheher he has defrauded you. And do expect that he has debts and liabilities over and above everything being gone. There may be a big black hole of debt. I'd be surprised if there isn't. I'd be surprised if he hasn't tried to raid your savings to feed his habit or stave off his creditors.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it’s so tough. Unfortunately this is an all too familiar story, I have a family member with a gambling addiction. I won’t go into details, but will just say it is a truly awful, life destroying addiction. If you do decide to stay with him, which would be understandable, it’s a mental illness after all and it’s not something done intentionally, please never, ever, ever have any financial ties with him. Do not buy a property or get any kind of joint debt or savings with a gambling addict. They can be really convincing when they tell you they’re sorry and going to change, and they may well mean it at the time. You can help them as much as you can with counselling etc. but you always need to presume that they will do it again, because they probably will. Don’t expose yourself financially to that possibility.

I am a gambling addict.

I've only scan read but think I'm the first to comment here, firstly I'm very sorry you are faced with this, it's certainly not your fault, on any level.

I gambled actively for over 20 years and bar a few short period it was pretty constant, cost me relationships and health.

I lied to everyone around me, including my wife, we had 3 children, during each pregnancy my gambling ramped up and each time I was caught out, expect the third when I confessed.

Truth is I never truly stopped even though people around me had access to accounts, wages transferred on payday etc, all the standard basic steps.

There are always ways to obtain funds to gamble, from my perspective it was never how much I loved others, it didn't feel like a choice - at the time.

It's now 4.5 years since I gambled, I won't even take part in a raffle now, I have had to own my addiction and I realise now that I always had a choice, my choice was to gamble.

I now choose to not gamble, just for today.

Whatever you decide to do, you can never sadly trust your DP in a financial sense.

I can talk in a lot more detail of you wish and I'll try and answer any question you may have but I would recommend the gamcare website, there is a friends and family section on the forum and some of the users are amazing.

Once again I'm sorry you are faced with this.

Two final things for the record - My wife has asked me to post on her account and yes we are still, by some miracle married, it's still a challenge but we are perhaps happier than we have been for a long long time.

Once again I'm sorry you are faced with this.

You'll need to be very honest about what you will need if he is to stay with you. If he can't promise 100% financial transparency I don't really see how you could continue. Do you even want to be in a relationship with someone who needs careful monitoring? Proceed with extreme caution.

If you want to end it, it will be clean at least. He didn't get an opportunity to steal from you, and it's your family's home so he can't demand equity or tenants rights.

Just don't make the mistake of assuming that now he's been caught out that this is the start of his redemption story where he recovers and everything is wonderful, and he's so grateful that you stood by him.

Sorry managed to cut and paste in error there!

I'm so sorry to hear about this OP, take time to think about everything and process it before speaking to him again

You poor thing, OP. No advice but lots of sympathy. As someone above said, your relationship was with a "future faker", not the man you thought he was, so the relationship was on a false basis all along. Hoping for a lovely future for you and your little one.

@Greystray

You'll need to be very honest about what you will need if he is to stay with you. If he can't promise 100% financial transparency I don't really see how you could continue. Do you even want to be in a relationship with someone who needs careful monitoring? Proceed with extreme caution.

If you want to end it, it will be clean at least. He didn't get an opportunity to steal from you, and it's your family's home so he can't demand equity or tenants rights.

Just don't make the mistake of assuming that now he's been caught out that this is the start of his redemption story where he recovers and everything is wonderful, and he's so grateful that you stood by him.

The problem is, nowadays it is virtually impossible for someone to see and cut off all the avenues to credit if their partner lies. It is so easy for gamblers to get money from different sources and hide it

How can I ever trust this man again when he has found it so easy to lie to my face, and to my family

You can't because he is completely untrustworthy. He's an addict and his addiction is what is centred in his life, not you or his child. And that has been proved to you very clearly.

Painful as it is the best thing you can do for yourself is to end this relationship.

I'm sorry, it must have been a shock to find out the future you had planned is now ruined. Regardless of the gambling, he completely lied to you and strung you along. For that alone you need to move on from this relationship. It is not your job as a woman to 'save him' only he can do that. You need to put your focus onto yourself and your child, not him.

He needs to go. Now.

He is going to drag you down if you stay with him. You and your child deserve better.

Pls don’t stay with this man- he can still be a father but he is an addict, he will destroy the trust again and again and you are risking you and your child’s financial future. Let him pay you support and his own rent, don’t believe the promises