The last 2 years of my life have been a lie

[absentpresence]

I feel so lost. I have been with my partner for 2 years and 5 months. We have a 16 month old child together.

When we first got together he told me he previously had a gambling addiction and was paying off some debts as a result of it, but that he was no longer gambling. I had no reason not to believe him.

We started saving up for a mortgage not long after we got together as I fell pregnant by surprise 3 months into our relationship. We'd managed to save a very big sum of money which we were so proud of.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had just gone on a second viewing of a property and took a trusted family member along with me as I wanted to show them, and then hopefully make an offer on the property.

When I got home (we live with my family), my partner was not there. He had gone out in his car and not told me where. I tried calling him but his phone was switched off. A few minutes later I received a message from him confessing that he had been gambling throughout our entire relationship and in fact he had no savings at all. He must have immediately switched his phone off after as my calls would not connect.

Our whole relationship has been built on a foundation of complete deceit, and I feel at a total loss. I'm devastated for my son, I was so excited to be able to provide him with a home where he had his own bedroom and a garden to play. I'm devastated for myself that my entire future has been ripped from under my feet. I'm devastated got my partner that he succumbed to his addiction once again and felt he could not reach out to anybody about it.

I feel so lonely. I truly have no idea where to go from here. How can I ever trust this man again when he has found it so easy to lie to my face, and to my family.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this message. I just wanted to type my feelings out. Thank you for reading.

How bloody awfull, your worth so much more my love. Fuck him off, keep saving on your own and get a 5% mortgage!

I have been in your situation before. I don't have advice because everyone and every situation is different. But I am still with my partner, 5 years on. I am in control of his finances 100% (and my own - they are separate). He doesn't gamble but I know that I will have to be in control for the rest of our lives. It wouldn't work for everyone, and many might say it isn't worth it. For me it is to keep my family together. We had to reach rock bottom to get here though. I can't say whether it will be a happily ever after forever as there is a long life ahead. I remember the despair and sense of pure loss though. A future shattered in moments. You have to build up a new one, together or alone. Wishing you strength The gambling industry is so immoral.

I’m so glad your savings are safe.
This is not one lie told, but a life of deceit. I agree with others that there is no point trying to recover from this. You are worth better and he is never going to be trustworthy. He has spent his savings, next time it could be your savings, or the car, or the house - you will never be secure. You are worth better. Best cut your losses and move on. Sorry.

How controlled was his spending? He says he's never saved money....does he owe money?

Having been married to a gambler you need to see evidence with your own eyes. My marriage did not survive, the trust went...

Make sure your finances are completely separate. Hopefully you've never had a joint account?
Whatever you decide in regard to the relationship, keep this apart.
You don't want to find your own bank accounts frozen because of his debts.
I'd call it a day now, before it gets worse. Your child is young enough not to know any different and you are at a stage where being amicable might be possible.
If you take him back and he does it again you'll not be able to look at him never mind co parent

I totally understand your heart break as I have also recently been in a very similar situation.
Just wanted you to know it feels like your the only one in this situation but you are not alone unfortunately
Xx

Gambling addiction is a mental illness, are you able to support him through his recovery? If so he needs to seek the help of a therapist and prove to you that he's working on overcoming this. It is possible, but you'll need to forgive him first.

Put a claim in with the child maintenance service, they will take what he owes to raise your child before he has a chance to gamble it away. You can only be grateful you found out now before he had a chance to really destroy your life, although I know it doesn't feel like it now. Many many stories on here from women who lost their homes and ended up deep in debt due to husbands gambling addiction.

I would end the relationship over this. If you don’t, please don’t get a mortgage with him or do anything that shares your finances as you will then be linked on credit ratings and reports.

Whatever happens from this moment forward, you will always have the fear of this happening again.

And if it does - when you have a mortgage and a growing child (or perhaps two) and potentially a shared surname and address, it will be far more difficult to unpick.

Even though you must be devastated, I would count your blessings that this has happened now whilst you can extract yourself from being dragged down into this situation. I speak as someone who has a family member who spent his whole life gambling. He was married to a wonderful woman who had some money of her own, but he tore through that, lost he family business, two homes and the impact on his family was devastating. His children were moved from school to school, house to house - at one point spending a year in a practically derelict house that had tarpaulin in place of a roof - and had no stability until they were adults.

I know you love him.
I know you want to save him.
But you can't.

Leave now and offer him friendship and support from a safe distance.

My family member lost EVERYTHING due to her DH gambling. Leave. Do not try and fix him.

Glad that you and your savings are safe, but very sorry to hear about the lies. Honestly it sounds like he knows how much wrong he has done you and the best thing he could do would be to stay well away from you.

It’s best you found out now as if you’d both owned a house, that could have been taken for his debt.
Stay well clear from him.

What a terrible shock ,you must be devastated.

But I agree with this
Gambling addiction is a mental illness, are you able to support him through his recovery? If so he needs to seek the help of a therapist and prove to you that he's working on overcoming this. It is possible, but you'll need to forgive him first
and imagine that your partner is also in torment .

I’m so sorry for you but you need to put you annd your baby first, he’s not going to change and you’re always going to be looking over your shoulder with him.
Time to Chuck him out and look to the future.
Good luck 💐

@absentpresence

Sorry if I wasn't very clear. We were both saving into separate accounts. I've got my own separate savings which are untouched, which he didn't have access to. It turns out that he actually did not save any money at all, he told me that he was saving a certain amount each month but he never started saving in the first place. He just spent all of his wages on gambling.

He allowed me to search for properties, view them, and begin the process of getting a mortgage in principle. All whilst knowing that he actually had not saved any money at all. The money I have saved on my own is not enough for a deposit. I'm just so grateful that my son and I have a roof over our heads and are safe.

Is it enough for a deposit for a smaller place for just you and your child?

Nope! You don't have to forgive him for him to be able to seek help and support for his addiction.

You don't have to be part of that support system, for some it is better if loved ones and dependents are not

It is almost always easier for loved ones and dependents not to be involved as codependency is an slippery bugger and once started can be very difficult to prevent becoming enabling.

You can't require forgiveness from anyone as a the starting point, any point at all, of your recovery. You can offer a sincere apology but can't expect any response, let alone forgiveness.

OP the only thing you have to do now is work out what you want to do. He doesn't have to be anywhere in your decision making but, if you choose to stay with him, you have to do some research and work out what it really means and will mean for the rest of your life together.

He can't be 'cured', he can learn to manage it, but that is entirely down to him. You can't do it for him.

Do not waste any more time with this man.

Has he even offered to seek help for his addiction? Does he genuinely WANT to stop? You can’t make him.

My best friend lost her home because of her husbands gambling addiction. Don’t do that your child.

Do not stay with this man. What he has put you through is unforgivable and you are lucky that you have separate finances along with a supportive family.

One of my relatives was in a similar relationship many years ago. She married a gambling addict even though she knew about his problems. She thought he would change because they loved each so much. She only divorced him after their house was repossessed and ended up bankrupt and homeless.

My advice is NEVER trust this man again.

While it is shit, you still have your savings and your current home is I assume secure seeing as your parents own it. Set the mortgage and house buying aside for the moment. You have already saved a significant amount on your own, keep going and in another few years you can buy on your owe.

I have sympathy for your OH and his gambling addiction, but I think this is something you probably can't come back from as a couple.

But you still have a good foundation to build a future for you are your child - just the two of you.

I would end it, you won't trust him. Thankfully your savings are safe...

That's tough, OP.

Gambling is as serious and compulsive as Crack or heroin addiction..
Probably he'd hoped he'd have ''A big win''.
Gambling is a really gnarly habit, {Like the other addictions} but ar least you found out NOW.
Imagine having a home repossessed??

I'd sack him off.
It's a shame he wasn't honest with you, and that you got pregnant so soon without fully knowing what he was like.
Better find out now, rather than later on.

op look up shared ownership - you should be able to access a property that you would otherwise not be able to afford - by yourself
www.gov.uk/affordable-home-ownership-schemes/shared-ownership-scheme
if you live in London there is a separate website
ds has a flat which is cheaper per month than if he was renting privately

My guess is he has debts too.
He will have been desperately trying to get that big win so he didn’t have to come clean with you. You will never be able to trust him financially, unless you are both willing for you to have 100% control of both your wages then you need to end this relationship.

@QueenOfWaitrosia

Whatever happens from this moment forward, you will always have the fear of this happening again.

And if it does - when you have a mortgage and a growing child (or perhaps two) and potentially a shared surname and address, it will be far more difficult to unpick.

Even though you must be devastated, I would count your blessings that this has happened now whilst you can extract yourself from being dragged down into this situation. I speak as someone who has a family member who spent his whole life gambling. He was married to a wonderful woman who had some money of her own, but he tore through that, lost he family business, two homes and the impact on his family was devastating. His children were moved from school to school, house to house - at one point spending a year in a practically derelict house that had tarpaulin in place of a roof - and had no stability until they were adults.

I know you love him.
I know you want to save him.
But you can't.

Leave now and offer him friendship and support from a safe distance.

This.

I know this is devastating for you. But please look after yourself and your little one.