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Original poster

The last 2 years of my life have been a lie

216 replies

absentpresence · 02/09/2021 14:05

I feel so lost. I have been with my partner for 2 years and 5 months. We have a 16 month old child together.

When we first got together he told me he previously had a gambling addiction and was paying off some debts as a result of it, but that he was no longer gambling. I had no reason not to believe him.

We started saving up for a mortgage not long after we got together as I fell pregnant by surprise 3 months into our relationship. We'd managed to save a very big sum of money which we were so proud of.

Fast forward to yesterday, I had just gone on a second viewing of a property and took a trusted family member along with me as I wanted to show them, and then hopefully make an offer on the property.

When I got home (we live with my family), my partner was not there. He had gone out in his car and not told me where. I tried calling him but his phone was switched off. A few minutes later I received a message from him confessing that he had been gambling throughout our entire relationship and in fact he had no savings at all. He must have immediately switched his phone off after as my calls would not connect.

Our whole relationship has been built on a foundation of complete deceit, and I feel at a total loss. I'm devastated for my son, I was so excited to be able to provide him with a home where he had his own bedroom and a garden to play. I'm devastated for myself that my entire future has been ripped from under my feet. I'm devastated got my partner that he succumbed to his addiction once again and felt he could not reach out to anybody about it.

I feel so lonely. I truly have no idea where to go from here. How can I ever trust this man again when he has found it so easy to lie to my face, and to my family.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this message. I just wanted to type my feelings out. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 02/09/2021 18:38

The house we live in belongs to my parents. We are not married either. It's certainly a positive that we didn't have a mortgage and aren't married but it's still a dreadful situation to find yourself in

Can you remain in the house and ask him to leave?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2021 18:44

I’d ask him to leave. This will be such a weight lifted.

LopsidedWombat · 02/09/2021 18:45

So sorry this has happened, what an awful shock.

In less than three years he has lied so much. Choosing to gamble away his contribution to your home, his son's home, rather than choose to get help with his addiction. And then letting you apply for an AIP and view properties, all while knowing it was unattainable? I am so relieved to see he had no access to your part of the savings.

Pp got it right when they said he's a future faker. Are you able to continue living with your parents and add to your savings for longer? The only silver lining is that you found out after 2 years and not 20 and that this came out before your lives became more enmeshed with things like mortgages. I come from a family of addicts and an addict ex husband (not gambling) and I would never enter any sort of contract with them or rely on them in any way, they just cannot be trusted not to hide things.

Crazycrazylady · 02/09/2021 18:45

Honestly op
I couldn't build a life with someone with a gambling addiction .
You would never be able to relax

doublemonkey · 02/09/2021 18:46

Thank God you found out now rather than further down the line when more would have been at stake.

You can do better for yourself and your child.

EKGEMS · 02/09/2021 18:48

I'm sorry you and your little boy are experiencing this nightmare of a shock. I know you want him to have his own room and a garden but if he has food, loving parents and stability he has far more than some children who currently live in a house and have huge gardens. I'm not going to say leave but I hope you can figure out what works best for you and your son.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/09/2021 18:53

The thought of someone letting a person get as far as second viewings on a house and about to make an offer, whilst knowing for the last two years that it was never going to happen is just heartbreaking.
Its good that you have supportive parents and have kept your own finances separate OP. Lots of hard decisions ahead, but you sound like someone who will be able to make them.

Phobiaphobic · 02/09/2021 18:53

@RandomMess

Thanks

It's heartbreaking but end the relationship. He is an addict and he hasn't reached his low point.

Gambling will come first.

Absolutely this. So sorry, OP.
AllAroundTheWorldYeah · 02/09/2021 19:02

@PyjamaFan

Please ignore the PP who says you have to forgive him. You do not have to do anything. This is not your problem or your responsibility.
That comment was in the context of her continuing this relationship and supporting him in overcoming this illness. Obviously if she can't forgive him then she'll have to walk away, which is her choice of course but a tough one given that they have a child together.
SyIviescup · 02/09/2021 19:05

The 'Good Bye' message is a classic example of some one who is manipulative.

He fucked up massively, then to change focus he scared you to death so that when he shown up the relief would take over that feeling of anger.

He is a liar and honesty - they never ever change. Don't let your love for your son and a 'family' trick you in to forgiving him. It will absolutely come back and bite you on your bum.

Ninkanink · 02/09/2021 19:06

OP can forgive him and still walk away. In fact that is by far the most sensible course of action. For herself and for her child.

They are not married. OP has savings and their future will be far more secure without being financially tied to an addict.

Ninkanink · 02/09/2021 19:08

And that certainly does not mean that he can’t still have a close relationship with his child. They don’t need to be together for that.

SecretSunflower · 02/09/2021 19:09

I had a similar scenario with my ex - I had saved for a deposit, and we went to look at houses together, and found one we liked.
We put in an offer which was declined - then my ex told me he had vast debts which he'd lied about (not due to gambling).
I forgave him and helped him to pay off his debts, even taking a very stressful job to earn more money. He was a nice bloke, and he was worth it, or so I thought.
He wasn't - 10 years (and still renting) later, I found out he was sexually as well as financially incontinent, and was merrily sending my money to various women to impress them at how 'successful' he was.
I dumped his sorry arse, and am now with a lovely man who pays his way - life is great.

Learn from me - dump this lying loser now, don't waste any more of your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2021 19:13

I hope you are wise enough to end your relationship, because I guarantee he will absolutely ruin your life if you don't. He is an addict, and he will do anything, fuck anyone over, to continue gambling. You will never, ever be able to trust him, and there is nothing you can do to fix him.

SirVixofVixHall · 02/09/2021 19:20

Well it is a huge issue, I don’t know how you rebuild the trust.
I have a friend who went through similar and in the end they divorced as she couldn’t trust him . What does he say about it all ? What do you want to do ?
I think maybe separating for a while and letting him prove that he can get help and change might be one way forward. Or all his salary etc goes to you and you manage all family finances perhaps. Or you split.
I am sorry OP, it is a horrible shock, the lies are the worst thing.

CheerfulBunny · 02/09/2021 19:28

I'm so sorry OP. My exh was similar to @SecretSunflower. He had massive debts and lied to me over and over again. He ended up in prison. It ended our marriage because I couldn't come to terms with the deceit, I felt complicit in it even though I had no idea what was going on. I never talk about it now. However my life went in a different direction afterwards and all the adventures I had wouldnt have happened and I wouldn't have met the people in my life that I love now. So it was OK in the end.
But I do remember how I felt when it all came crashing down on that one terrible day Flowers It's awful now but it will get better eventually.

AnxiousPixie · 02/09/2021 19:31

Was in this exact same situation with my first husband. It wasn't the debt that made it bad it was the lying. We tried to get over it, gave me control of all his finances etc but I just couldn't get past the deceit and we ended up divorcing. It's devastating. I really feel for you. You thought you were building a life together. Addiction is tough for him too, I am sure he'll be feeling dreadful. Give it some time to decide what you want.

HonoreDeBallsack · 02/09/2021 19:32

I was so excited to be able to provide him with a home where he had his own bedroom and a garden to play

OP, you can still provide these things for him. It will take a bit longer, but you will get there - without an addict making your life Hell.

mynameisbrian · 02/09/2021 19:35

my friends sister married a gambler, truly awful, the web of lies he webbed around himself was so damaging. They lost their home and divorced in the end. You can never trust this man...you do what is right by you and your DC. The only person that can seek help for addiction is your partner. Nothing you do will make a difference

Boombadoom · 02/09/2021 19:37

This happened to my friend. Worse, they lost the house they owned, and they were married so she was liable for his debts as well. He lost his business and destroyed their reputation locally (he was taking deposits for work and then gambling it).

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Getafuckingdogwalker · 02/09/2021 19:45

I am so sorry this has happened.

Can I please recommend this podcast episode about a compulsive gambler. It was absolutely heart wrenching. He so eloquently explains how it takes over your life, and he was really unflinching about what he’d done. It may give you some insight or comfort
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/1hNf8MNX32YTmzXfvT88JWr/i-stole-1-75-million-to-fund-my-gambling-addiction

Getafuckingdogwalker · 02/09/2021 19:45

The podcast link is half way down

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 02/09/2021 19:48

@FlamesEmbersAshes

Poor you. But be thankful you found out now. A friend of mine went through hell when her DH turned out to have a hidden gambling addiction. He fraudulently took out loans in both their names, she had bailiffs turning up at her door, it was awful.

Do not take him back. Do check out your credit score so you can be sure he has not taken out loans in your name.

Ding ding ding!

CHECK YOUR EXPERIAN FILE AND CREDIT SCORE!

Sorry for the "shouting", I just felt that this above all else needs to be highlighted for you to see.

Given that he lives with you and has access to your personal data it is entirely possible that he has taken out credit fraudulently in your name.

Don't assume he wouldn't do that. My gambling addicted relative conned another relative out of thousands when she was fragile due to cancer, addiction is fucking awful like that.

His words mean nothing.

I am so sorry OP, you and your son deserve so much better Flowers

Kick the lying twat into touch.

Pinkyxx · 02/09/2021 20:20

I was in a similar situation many years ago. I forgave the first time and helped him. It was to be the biggest mistake of my life. He lied with such ease, he seemed so contrite, so genuine. The truth is he just picked up exactly where he left off. I kept my money separate thinking I was protecting myself but still he managed to virtually destroy me. I discovered by pure chance one day that he had taken out debt in my name (fraudulently), remortgaged our home (fraudulently), and was in a vast amount of personal debt. I confronted him and have never seen him again - he left the country to avoid the bailiffs which unbeknown to me were pursing him. As time passed I discovered the true horror of what he did. Gambling accounts in my name, credit cards, loans... you name it he did it. It took decades to recover my credit as it was not possible to prove the fraud in all cases.

If I hadn't had a migraine and come home early from work that fateful day I would never have seen the mail in my name that exposed the years of deceit. The depths he went to cover his tracks all the while exploiting me completely was astonishing. A few years later I discovered he had done the same to his previous partner.

Please remove this man from your life and never turn back. Gamblers do not change and you have a child to think of.

beastlyslumber · 02/09/2021 20:20

@SyIviescup

The 'Good Bye' message is a classic example of some one who is manipulative.

He fucked up massively, then to change focus he scared you to death so that when he shown up the relief would take over that feeling of anger.

He is a liar and honesty - they never ever change. Don't let your love for your son and a 'family' trick you in to forgiving him. It will absolutely come back and bite you on your bum.

Exactly this. PP saying that "he feels 100 times worse" than OP and encouraging her to forgive him are playing into this cruel manipulation.

He has lied and lied and lied, and didn't even have the decency to tell you to your face, but left you a "goodbye" message which was also a lie in order to get your sympathy and deflect your justified anger.