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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God I feel terrible, pretty sure this will end my friendship

223 replies

BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 20:05

My closest friend of 22 years is getting married tomorrow and I can't go 😩
They only set the date 4 weeks ago, so very short notice, and my rota is done months in advance, I'm working all weekend. I have tried so many avenues to swap but, due to it being summer holidays, nobody can swap. I have told her this, she has asked me to phone in sick but I just can't as I would undoubtedly be in a lot of trouble due to trying to swap.

She was MOH for me 2 years ago, she has opted to get married in a registry office with just her in laws and grandmother (she was orphaned as a child). Not that I'm upset about this, it's very much her way of doing things with no fuss.

Her daughter has just phoned me but I missed the call as I was putting ds to bed so need to phone back...what the hell do I say to limit any damage?! She knows my predicament, I've been very open, but I don't think she'll forgive me 😔

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 20/08/2021 20:08

If you were my friend of 22 years I’d forgive you. If I’d given you 4 months notice I’d be grumpier, 4 weeks and knowing you work shifts I’d be sad but not blame you.

Can you go to her when you finish work?

Therehavetobeadjustments · 20/08/2021 20:08

4 weeks notice?? Unreal of her to expect you to ring in sick.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 20/08/2021 20:10

I have missed so many important events due to work.

Those who truly love you will understand.

And yes, if you’ve tried to swap, it will earn you the side eye if you now go sick.

I feel for you because I know. I have warned people that I will rarely be able to attend short notice events if I’m rostered.

Of course that doesn’t help you today.

Flowers
Bookaholic73 · 20/08/2021 20:10

Yeah I think she is being unreasonable by asking you to phone in sick, especially when she only gave you 4 weeks notice!
Just be honest and say you’d love to attend, but can’t risk losing your job.

HyggeTygge · 20/08/2021 20:10

Surely if she cared that much she would've checked your availability before setting the date?
It's sad but unavoidable.

Bobmonkfish · 20/08/2021 20:12

Four weeks notice is bad form, and then to ask you to call in sick... No. I missed my oldest best friend's wedding, I had just had a baby. Our friendship survived. It is one day out of 22 years.

Haggisfish3 · 20/08/2021 20:14

Yep, I’d be feeling bad if I were the bride to be having given you such short notice-totally unreasonable of her! I hope she isn’t upset.

Haggisfish3 · 20/08/2021 20:14

As in, if she’s any sort of friend she shouldn’t be upset with you! Sad, but not cross.

Notaroadrunner · 20/08/2021 20:16

She is being unreasonable. She cannot expect that people will be free with such short notice. You can't ring in sick now as they'll know well you're not sick and she shouldn't have asked you to. Call her dd back, say it's a shame that you can't make it but do not apologise! You have nothing to be sorry for.

Original poster
BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 20:18

We live in different counties so I can't go after work, plus I'm in work on Sunday too. She has always been very impulsive, it caused us lots of trouble in our late teens 😂 I'm usually very open and don't shy from problems, right now I'm avoiding phoning back.

OP posts:
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 20/08/2021 20:20

No, I'm sorry - she's not being the least bit reasonable. I'm actually livid on your behalf. Arranging it with four weeks notice and then being aggy? Calling in sick would've been risky anyway: doing it after fruitlessly trying to get cover for the past four weeks is absolute suicide. Will she pay your mortgage if you're sacked? It's one bloody day. And now her daughter is presumably poised to give you shit. Nope. Hard pass. It's not you who should be worried about the strength of the friendship.

NailsNeedDoing · 20/08/2021 20:23

She should have made sure the only people she wanted could be there as she’s having such a small ceremony, it wouldn’t have been hard for her to check with four people. She’s unreasonable if she is upset with you.

Original poster
BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 20:29

You've all made me feel a bit better, I thought I was a terrible friend and you'd all tell me I am.
I need to psych myself up to phone 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
LordOfTheOnionRings · 20/08/2021 20:31

I would call in sick personally unless I was being monitored for sickness.

But, she has to respect your choice! 4 weeks isn't enough time.

OJandacupoftea · 20/08/2021 20:35

Even if you did call in sick, you'd likely be caught. Someone would take a photo/tag on Facebook/see you at the venue.

Totally unreasonable of her.

godmum56 · 20/08/2021 20:35

Its a bit CF to tell you to call in sick

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/08/2021 20:35

She set the date just four weeks ago. And by asking you to phone in sick on the date you've been trying to swap shifts for - seriously, is she trying to get you sacked for misconduct?

"She has always been very impulsive, it caused us lots of trouble in our late teens"
Well now her impulsiveness has bitten her on the bum. She prioritised being impulsive over checking people would be able to attend - she doesn't now get to have a tantrum about them not turning up. In fact - she needs to apologise for putting pressure on you to do the impossible.

Original poster
BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 20:35

@LordOfTheOnionRings the problem with me doing that is that I have been trying for 4 weeks to swap the shifts, they will know I'm not sick

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 20/08/2021 20:36

Surely she can change the date to where everyone can be there?
What's her rush?

Brimorion · 20/08/2021 20:37

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

No, I'm sorry - she's not being the least bit reasonable. I'm actually livid on your behalf. Arranging it with four weeks notice and then being aggy? Calling in sick would've been risky anyway: doing it after fruitlessly trying to get cover for the past four weeks is absolute suicide. Will she pay your mortgage if you're sacked? It's one bloody day. And now her daughter is presumably poised to give you shit. Nope. Hard pass. It's not you who should be worried about the strength of the friendship.
Absolutely this. And yes, of course it would be a suspicious ‘coincidence’ if the OP called in sick after she’d spent weeks trying to swap the shift.
LordOfTheOnionRings · 20/08/2021 20:38

@BleddyHell that's so annoying! Sorry it hasn't worked out better. Your friend has no right to be annoyed at you, especially as you've been trying to hard. A pp said something like one day out of 22 years is nothing and I totally agree.

SundaySheAteChocolate · 20/08/2021 20:38

She needs to understand, full stop.

Wombat64 · 20/08/2021 20:39

Totally unreasonable. It's an invitation not a summons as they say on here. Everyone will know if you take a sickie. Yiu have to carry on working there.

Windmillwhirl · 20/08/2021 20:41

You shouldn't feel terrible, she should. She gave f*ck all notice, you tried to swap shifts, now you are meant to call in sick and risk your job.

In your shoes I'd be furious at her.

CeceJoyce · 20/08/2021 20:43

I’d call back and see what the daughter was calling for. Let your friend know you’re devastated you can’t make it and maybe make a joke out of it reminding her of her impulsivity…
Maybe suggest a special day/night out just the two of you to celebrate…