God I feel terrible, pretty sure this will end my friendship

[BleddyHell]

My closest friend of 22 years is getting married tomorrow and I can't go 😩
They only set the date 4 weeks ago, so very short notice, and my rota is done months in advance, I'm working all weekend. I have tried so many avenues to swap but, due to it being summer holidays, nobody can swap. I have told her this, she has asked me to phone in sick but I just can't as I would undoubtedly be in a lot of trouble due to trying to swap.

She was MOH for me 2 years ago, she has opted to get married in a registry office with just her in laws and grandmother (she was orphaned as a child). Not that I'm upset about this, it's very much her way of doing things with no fuss.

Her daughter has just phoned me but I missed the call as I was putting ds to bed so need to phone back...what the hell do I say to limit any damage?! She knows my predicament, I've been very open, but I don't think she'll forgive me 😔

The Op wasn't able to go. Nitpicking when the event has been and gone seems silly.

@Marni83

Her shift is 12.5 Not necessarily everyone’s

When exactly is OP supposed to pick up an entire extra shift? On her rest day? Before/after her 12.5 hour shift, which even if the other person's shift was only 4 hours long (ha,ha 'cos that's about as likely as me winning the lottery), the OP would be working at least 16.5 hours in ITU which won't compromise patient safety at all will it? < sarcasm.

So the concept of taking on an extra shift is alien to you?

Imagine the following: 'AIBU. My mother had a major health crisis and needed time-sensitive emergency surgery. We were terrified that the number of Covid cases in our area would delay this, but fortunately the hospital was able to find a bed. But suddenly we heard that the operation had to be postponed, because the ITU was understaffed, due to one of the nurses suddenly taking time off, apparently to attend a wedding. She did arrive back, late and distracted, because of transport difficulties in returning from the wedding; and apparently had been awake all night. My mother did have the operation finally, but has been taking a very long time to recover, and we don't yet know how fully she will recover. I heard her sobs and moans of terror and despair when she realized that she would not have the emergency surgery as soon as expected, and knew that every minute of delay would result in a worse prognosis. My own mental health is shot to pieces, and I am now on a long waiting list for counselling for PTSD. I heard that this nurse has been dismissed, but AIBU to plan to sue the hospital?'

There ARE more important things than attending a wedding at 4 weeks' notice.

@Marni83

So the concept of taking on an extra shift is alien to you?

You think it's alien to critical care staff in the middle of a pandemic?

You think the OP didn't try this if it was possible when she was trying to change things so she could go?

Does she say that she would work someone FULL shift in exchange for them coming in a few hours earlier? I missed that.

Because that is what I would have done to make either of my best friends weddings.

Then again, if they knew I was in the position - never in a month of Sundays would they make me feel guilty (more to the point, they would have asked me if the date suited before they confirmed)

@Marni83

Yes for one night

You’d lose your job for one night

I hope you’re not a nurse

Seriously @Marni83 ??

Even if she left her shift a few hours early at 6pm she wouldn’t arrive until 9pm!! It’s 2.5hours away. You know if she stays til midnight and gets home at 3am and then go at 6am, if anything by goes wrong not her fault she’ll be blamed for not taking adequate rest.
You want her to drive 5 hours and no sleep for a wedding that’s already finished??

Ffs marni just drop it will you

MY oh doesnt work in a hpspital but veryone does 12 hour shifts-if he cant find someone to swap with or theres too many off already he wont get the shift off-simple as that

and no he cant ask someone to come in earlier for him doesnt work like that

She was unhappy and thought it’d get a day off easily - but ultimately we’re good now! I had to explain how taking time off is when her wedding was is impossible!

It's amazing how insular some people are when it comes to understanding about other people's jobs. They think that their wedding trumps everything, yet don't seem to understand that other people have firm commitments that they simply cannot avoid.

And I say that as somebody who is extremely lucky enough to have a job where I can pretty much choose my own working days and hours and have just about any holiday I ask for (within my allowance, of course).

I hope she does forgive you, I would. It's not your fault you can't be there.

Woah just got home from work...unfortunately I was in the covid area so I'm not allowed to leave the unit until I've showered (to minimise the risk of taking it home) so didn't get to leave until 8.30pm.
I've been sent a beautiful photo of my friend and her new husband, I'm hoping that means we're OK, which made me cry because I feel so sad I missed it.
Just to answer a couple of points...we all work 12.5 hour shifts, earlies/lates haven't been a thing since about 2005 when long days were introduced for continuity of care and cost efficiency. My management would absolutely not allow me to pick up a whole shift on account of a couple of hours, nor would they allow anyone to work a 14.5 hour night shift. Besides the fact that the logistics of trying to work that out would be an absolute nightmare!
Thank you all for helping me feel a bit better about this all. I really did try everything but I have to draw the line at pulling a sickie and getting myself in trouble.

I think it sounds ok OP.

Can you try and call or send a nice message?

And a good friend will understand you can’t risk your job. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Awww, OP.

Firstly, thank you for all you do.

Haha: this time last year we were still out clapping on the streets, now people are suggesting you in effect steak a days pay or think COVID ICUs can be left early or have random other workers make up the team.

Send your friend a message saying how lovely they look and how sad you are, how much love you send etc.

All will be well.

OP - you are a good friend and a good nurse. You did the right thing by everybody and it sounds like your friend will understand. Send her a nice message and I hope you can catch up with her soon to celebrate.

Another one thanking you for all you do. I hope you had a good sleep and woke up to a happy message from your friend.

Aww I'm sorry you missed it OP, there was nothing you could do though. You seem like a lovely person. Some people clearly don't understand what it's like to work in a role like yours, especially these days. You did your very best and I'm sure she will understand that your responsibilities to patients and co-workers mean you can't just pull a sickie, when she really thinks about it. Don't feel bad.

Sounds like shes ok about it op hopefuly you'll see her soon and can catch up

I would go to the reception … but it’s over now, is it?

@Perriwinkles

I would go to the reception … but it’s over now, is it?

If you’d RTFT you’d realise how far from the op the wedding reception is, distance and time wise, and all the fundamental little details which made it impossible for her to simply attend the reception.

😱

I was in a rush & only had time to read the OP It sounds like all is OK now anyhow, so that’s the main thing.