Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God I feel terrible, pretty sure this will end my friendship

223 replies

BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 20:05

My closest friend of 22 years is getting married tomorrow and I can't go 😩
They only set the date 4 weeks ago, so very short notice, and my rota is done months in advance, I'm working all weekend. I have tried so many avenues to swap but, due to it being summer holidays, nobody can swap. I have told her this, she has asked me to phone in sick but I just can't as I would undoubtedly be in a lot of trouble due to trying to swap.

She was MOH for me 2 years ago, she has opted to get married in a registry office with just her in laws and grandmother (she was orphaned as a child). Not that I'm upset about this, it's very much her way of doing things with no fuss.

Her daughter has just phoned me but I missed the call as I was putting ds to bed so need to phone back...what the hell do I say to limit any damage?! She knows my predicament, I've been very open, but I don't think she'll forgive me 😔

OP posts:
GrandmaSteglitszch · 20/08/2021 20:45

Tell her DD that you have already tried your very hardest to be there but it can't be done.
Your friend wants you to risk your job, to get to her wedding, but she couldn't be bothered to at least ask beforehand what date would suit you.
Just say No, and if she's nasty about it that's because she chooses to be nasty.
Her problem.

Driftingblue · 20/08/2021 20:45

If your attendance was critical, your friend would have checked that the date was clear with you before booking. She didn’t check. She clearly doesn’t actually care if you attend or not. She might claim she does, but her actions say otherwise.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2021 20:46

If she really wanted you there she’d have checked you were available before booking it. She didn’t. So she can’t complain.

If she kicks off about this and the friendship is over it’s entirely on her. Don’t take any shit from her or her daughter.

But maybe the wedding’s off hence the call? Let us know…

Invisimamma · 20/08/2021 20:50

Dont phone in sick you'll be in the wedding photos, that will probably end up on social media. You've tried to swap already so it'd be really obvious (you know this).

You'll just need to apologise to your friend. Arrange a bottle of champagne to be sent to the wedding venue from you? A video message in the morning wishing her well in her marriage? Arrange and pay for a day out for you both after the wedding.

TaraRhu · 20/08/2021 20:52

Cavy you take a holiday? Explain to your boss what's happening?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/08/2021 20:53

No decent friend would want you to jeopardise a job just for one day celebrating.

Boysnme · 20/08/2021 20:56

This happened to me. Got 4 weeks notice for the new date - one I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to take as annual leave. I said from the start I couldn’t go. I’m sure my friend was pissed off but didn’t tell me that as there was nothing I could have done about it. I’d imagine this is quite a common problem just now with people rearranging weddings so she’s being unreasonable to expect you to be there.

Brimorion · 20/08/2021 21:01

@Invisimamma

Dont phone in sick you'll be in the wedding photos, that will probably end up on social media. You've tried to swap already so it'd be really obvious (you know this).

You'll just need to apologise to your friend. Arrange a bottle of champagne to be sent to the wedding venue from you? A video message in the morning wishing her well in her marriage? Arrange and pay for a day out for you both after the wedding.

But there’s nothing for the OP to apologise for — she’s tried her best to attend a last-minute wedding but her work rota doesn’t allow, and no one will swap despite her best efforts. If anything, it’s for the bride to apologise for pressuring her to jeopardise her job.
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2021 21:04

Agree, absolutely do not apologise. You’ve done nothing wrong.

What’s her desperate rush anyway?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 20/08/2021 21:04

I would absolutely be buying a nice bottle of champagne and chocolates.

And would be partaking in both all by my bastard self.

Brimorion · 20/08/2021 21:05

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

I would absolutely be buying a nice bottle of champagne and chocolates.

And would be partaking in both all by my bastard self.

Grin
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 20/08/2021 21:07

I wouldn’t be arranging and paying for a lovely day out for you both either.

She wasn’t lovely enough to check you were free. And she should have done if it were that important you be there.

godmum56 · 20/08/2021 21:08

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

I would absolutely be buying a nice bottle of champagne and chocolates.

And would be partaking in both all by my bastard self.

this absolutely
MadMadMadamMim · 20/08/2021 21:09

She's being utterly ridiculous to expect you to phone in "sick", to attend her wedding which she impulsively arranged without checking whether people could make it.

I don't care what her DD says either - it's unreasonable to expect anyone to just dump work for your convenience. You'd be risking being sacked, or at least disciplinary action for misconduct, depending on the job and how long you'd been there. She's dim if she thinks anyone can desperately try to re-arrange shifts, swap shifts and then - when turned down - call in sick instead without alarm bells ringing.

If she thinks your behaviour is "unforgiveable" then she's not worth keeping as a friend to be honest. Her own behaviour and demands are pretty shoddy in my book.

Marni83 · 20/08/2021 21:14

You live in different counties but how far do you actually live from the wedding?

I understand the work predicament

However for one night I would drive hours after work, stay in a hotel and then leave at crack of dawn to make it to work next day

One day. For a best friend. I’d suck up any inconvenience / late night / long drive / early start

No hesitation

TillyTopper · 20/08/2021 21:16

Of course you can't just phone in sick for the weekend, especially after trying to swap it! I think she's really unreasonable tbh. 4 weeks notice for a week and you have to fly for it is crazy when you have shifts allocated so far in advance. If she is weird with you it's her issue not yours.

Original poster
BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 21:20

I live 2.5 hours away from her, I start at 7am on Sunday and finish at 7.30pm tomorrow night. I live in West Cornwall and she lives on the east Devon boarder.
Her daughter hasn't answered, feeling a little relieved 🤦‍♀️ I am a coward, I know that

OP posts:
iloverunningslow · 20/08/2021 21:22

One of my best friends didn't go to my wedding. She had a family event and I just accepted she couldn't be in two places at once, even though I gave most of a year's notice. We're still close, she congratulated me afterwards and we do other stuff together.
If you can't go, you can't go and there's no point beating yourself up. She will have to understand.

Original poster
BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 21:23

This is very outing so I may name change after this 😬 their reception is festival style, camping in a field. Absolutely not ideal after a 12.5 hour shift on ITU 😆

OP posts:
apalledandshocked · 20/08/2021 21:26

I agree you have done nothing wrong!
I do think some of the people on the thread saying they would be furious with your friend, and that she is behaving terribly etc might be jumping the gun a little bit... If she does massively kick of, or if her daughter starts having a go at you then that would be unreasonable but she hasn't actually done that yet (asking you to call in sick is a bit unrealistic but the sort of solution people suggest when they haven't thought things through. It seems a bit like because you are feeling guilty (unreasonably) you have assumed the phone call is going to be confrontational/blaming you when that might not be the case

HollyStripes · 20/08/2021 21:27

You tried your best. The flip side of the coin is that you ring in sick. They potentially sack you. You are unemployed and your family loses your income. You then have to find another job in this time we are living in. Would she prefer that being a potential? The stress and worry it would cause you even if it a "maybe" ? If she ends the friendship over this and would really have preferred to risk the second option then why would you want to be her friend?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 20/08/2021 21:30

she’s tried her best to attend a last-minute wedding but her work rota doesn’t allow, and no one will swap despite her best efforts.

Weddings are very special, significant events.... which is exactly why people usually start planning them and give notice a year or more in advance. You can't play the 'but it's MY WEDDING' card whilst only allowing a 'fancy going out for a carvery?' amount of notice.

MargosKaftan · 20/08/2021 21:33

Hope the call went ok.

It was only 4 weeks notice. You have the sort of job when you have to work weekends. You live to far away to go after work. She knows all this yet didn't check you were free before booking so deep down, didn't see you are a "must be there". You have tried. Its ok it didn't work out.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 20/08/2021 21:33

I bet she would be the first one to be furious if she needed to go to hospital in a desperate emergency and they turned her away at the door, saying "Sorry, we don't have any staff"; and yet she doesn't seem able to accept that enough of the people who work there and keep the place running have to actually be there at all times.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 20/08/2021 21:34

This is totally on her, not you OP.

If she is as good a friend as you claim

  1. She wouldn't have put you in this position in the first place
  2. Understand that the date is impossible for you and carry on as
normal regards your friendship going forwards.
Swipe left for the next trending thread