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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God I feel terrible, pretty sure this will end my friendship

223 replies

BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 20:05

My closest friend of 22 years is getting married tomorrow and I can't go 😩
They only set the date 4 weeks ago, so very short notice, and my rota is done months in advance, I'm working all weekend. I have tried so many avenues to swap but, due to it being summer holidays, nobody can swap. I have told her this, she has asked me to phone in sick but I just can't as I would undoubtedly be in a lot of trouble due to trying to swap.

She was MOH for me 2 years ago, she has opted to get married in a registry office with just her in laws and grandmother (she was orphaned as a child). Not that I'm upset about this, it's very much her way of doing things with no fuss.

Her daughter has just phoned me but I missed the call as I was putting ds to bed so need to phone back...what the hell do I say to limit any damage?! She knows my predicament, I've been very open, but I don't think she'll forgive me 😔

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 21/08/2021 06:24

If she is angry with you, then she’s an inconsiderate idiot. You have an important job, you can’t just ring in sick, people’s lives depend on your presence.

Planning events at short notice always runs the risk that calendars may already be full. You have more reason to be annoyed by her than the other way round.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 21/08/2021 06:37

4 weeks and knowing you work shifts I’d be sad but not blame you.

Me too. You’ve done your best.

Standrewsschool · 21/08/2021 06:39

@BleddyHell

Sending you hugs as I know you’ll feeling torn today as you’d like to support your friend, but circumstances means you can’t.

SunshineCake · 21/08/2021 07:39

Don't stress. They know you aren't coming. At my wedding I walked down the aisle looking for my friend as nearly everyone there was dh family. She hadn't come. DH and MIL knew she wasn't coming days before but decided not to tell me. Wrong decision.

Damnyoureyes · 21/08/2021 07:46

Can you not go to a portion of the day?
If you are on a long shift, meet them in the evening for a drink wherever they will be?
If on a night shift go to the day and just be knackered all night? (If it’s your first night that is of course)

Damnyoureyes · 21/08/2021 07:46

Go before or after your shift to just see her?

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 07:56

For my best friend
Her wedding
One night
I’d suck up any inconvenience at all

DysmalRadius · 21/08/2021 07:59

@Marni83

For my best friend Her wedding One night I’d suck up any inconvenience at all
Even if that inconvenience would leave an ITU department short staffed and risk you getting fired?!?!
trappedsincesundaymorn · 21/08/2021 07:59

@Damnyoureyes

Go before or after your shift to just see her?
It's 2.5 hours away and the OP is on shift tomorrow morning RTFT
Billandben444 · 21/08/2021 07:59

Please don't feel sad today. You've made right decision and losing your job over it isn't worth the risk. Send her a lovely message saying you're sorry to be missing her big day but you're sure she understands that you're needed at work today and if she doesn't then she's a crap friend. Tell her you'll be thinking of her and then try and put it from your mind. You've totally made the right choice 💐

JSL52 · 21/08/2021 08:00

@Marni83

For my best friend Her wedding One night I’d suck up any inconvenience at all
You'd lose your job?
SunshineCake · 21/08/2021 08:01

People need to learn to read all the OP posts. She can't go before or after work. She's doing three 12.5 hour shifts in ICU. Not like sitting on a till where it matters less if you are a bit tired.

LoislovesStewie · 21/08/2021 08:03

@Damnyoureyes

Can you not go to a portion of the day? If you are on a long shift, meet them in the evening for a drink wherever they will be? If on a night shift go to the day and just be knackered all night? (If it’s your first night that is of course)
Having worked night shifts, not getting a good sleep could well be dangerous and or disastrous depending on what work is being carried out.
AtlasPine · 21/08/2021 08:12

They are being terribly unfair because this ignoring you is leaving you feeling shit. They should be calling to apologise that they haven’t been able to give you enough notice to attend and express gratitude that you are staffing the ITU while they have fun. They’re asses. You’re not. Don’t feel sad. Get a bit mad!

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 08:14

Yes for one night

Onlinedilema · 21/08/2021 08:21

Your friend is totally unreasonable. 4 weeks notice when she knows you could be retired to work is not enough notice at all. Plus it is only a small register office wedding so hardly event of the year (I acknowledge this is what do me people choose, but still it is the most basic of weddings).
Leave her to it she sound a awful.

StMarysKettle · 21/08/2021 08:23

If it was that important she would have checked you could come.

CornishTiger · 21/08/2021 08:38

Go to work @BleddyHell knowing you did you best.

And thank you did the work you are doing. ITU supported my best friends family as she died recently after an unexpected event. Every single one of you were amazing. You save lives and make a difference to those who are dying.

My best friend was a nurse too. She missed many things because of her work. It’s the nature of the job. Your friends should understand that.

SnatchCassidy · 21/08/2021 08:48

@Marni83

For my best friend Her wedding One night I’d suck up any inconvenience at all
Even getting into trouble at work? Is your bestie going to pay your bills if you get sacked?
SnatchCassidy · 21/08/2021 08:50

Who on earth gives people a few weeks notice for something most people spend years planning a date for?

BobaFettOnMyBedsideTable · 21/08/2021 08:59

Your friend is being the unreasonable one here. I have friend's that are nurse's and I know how hard it is to plan for us all to get together. It's usually planned months in advance, not weeks. It's not like you're stacking shelves in tesco and if you don't turn up then then the tinned goods might be low, this is people's lives. I'd be the one pissed off, with her attitude and unreasonable behaviour.

saraclara · 21/08/2021 09:06

@SnatchCassidy

Who on earth gives people a few weeks notice for something most people spend years planning a date for?
To be fair, given the past eighteen months, probably quite a few people. All that planning came to nought for thousands of couples. If a cancellation comes up at a register office or venue they're going to grab it with both hands.

But obviously they're going to have to accept that not all their friends will be able to make it.

OchNoAgain · 21/08/2021 09:11

She is being so, so unreasonable! What a cheeky fucker she is.

It's a real shame you couldn't get today off though, feel a bit pissed off at your colleagues on your behalf that no one would swap.

VainAbigail · 21/08/2021 09:11

@Marni83

Yes for one night
You clearly aren’t an ITU nurse!

🙄

LadyWithLapdog · 21/08/2021 09:34

@StillMedusa OMG I hope your DD1 manages a last-minute change of heart from a colleague so she can attend her sister’s wedding.

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