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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God I feel terrible, pretty sure this will end my friendship

223 replies

BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 20:05

My closest friend of 22 years is getting married tomorrow and I can't go 😩
They only set the date 4 weeks ago, so very short notice, and my rota is done months in advance, I'm working all weekend. I have tried so many avenues to swap but, due to it being summer holidays, nobody can swap. I have told her this, she has asked me to phone in sick but I just can't as I would undoubtedly be in a lot of trouble due to trying to swap.

She was MOH for me 2 years ago, she has opted to get married in a registry office with just her in laws and grandmother (she was orphaned as a child). Not that I'm upset about this, it's very much her way of doing things with no fuss.

Her daughter has just phoned me but I missed the call as I was putting ds to bed so need to phone back...what the hell do I say to limit any damage?! She knows my predicament, I've been very open, but I don't think she'll forgive me 😔

OP posts:
WetBench · 21/08/2021 09:37

@Marni83 you know if she finished work at 8pm she’ll get to her friends wedding at 11pm absolutely fucked? And that’s without showering and getting changed. So she stays an hour til midnight and then gets home at 3am if she doesn’t crash and then starts work at 7am after not having slept from the amount of caffeine she’s had to drive home. And then someone like you complains that their relatives surgery was cancelled after an exhausted nurse was sent home so ITU couldn’t take post op patients?

And at 11pm is the wedding going to be still going on?

People really need to look outside their own experiences

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 21/08/2021 10:18

AIBU to think the ITU nurse looking after my relative should be a bit more attentive and look a bit less like she’s been up all night between shifts?

YABU it was only one night and it was her best friend’s wedding. People should do anything for that.

I’m not sure that a lot of people realise quite how knackered and burnt out our ICU staff are after the last 18 months without spending 5 of their 11.5 hours between shifts on a road trip.

BeachDrifting · 21/08/2021 10:45

One of my best friends couldn’t make my wedding. We’re still friends. I gave 4 months notice and expected it was too short for some. 4 weeks is not reasonable. When my friend wanted me as bridesmaid she checked the date with me before she booked and gave a years notice. She can’t just book and then insist. If you want key people there then you book when they are available. If I was you, I’d drive and go straight from work. You’ll get there at 9.30. Don’t bother washing or changing. She needs to know you’re straight from work. Turn up. Stay until 11pm. Leave dead on the dot. You’ve then gone above and beyond.

BeachDrifting · 21/08/2021 10:46

Is there any possibility of knocking off work an hour early?

Brimorion · 21/08/2021 10:56

You know what’s fascinating about this thread — the very divergent attitudes to work that are emerging, the ‘ring in sick or knock off early, or drive for hours after your shift and it doesn’t matter if you’re tired for the next shift’ people vs the people who work in or at least recognise that there are jobs where this is really not an option.

In this case, the OP’s job is more important than a wedding, even that of a close friend.

CagneyNYPD · 21/08/2021 10:57

@BeachDrifting

Is there any possibility of knocking off work an hour early?
The op is a nurse on an ITU. In an area of the country that has seen a big uptick in cases. She will be lucky to leave shift on time.

There is no clocking off early, no one to cover her duties, no pulling a sickie. It's sad but there is nothing that can be done.

CagneyNYPD · 21/08/2021 10:58

@Brimorion

You know what’s fascinating about this thread — the very divergent attitudes to work that are emerging, the ‘ring in sick or knock off early, or drive for hours after your shift and it doesn’t matter if you’re tired for the next shift’ people vs the people who work in or at least recognise that there are jobs where this is really not an option.

In this case, the OP’s job is more important than a wedding, even that of a close friend.

Spot on.
QueenHofScotland · 21/08/2021 10:58

You need to speak to your friend on the phone - or worse case scenario by text and let her know

Katefoster · 21/08/2021 11:01

If this ends your friendship then she's not your friend. You don't have an office job where if you're tired or don't turn up no ones dies. She needs to plan more carefully or accept people won't be able to attend.

LongTimeMammaBear · 21/08/2021 11:05

This is not on you OP. We’re planning our wedding reception (long over due, long story) and before choosing a date, I consulted my sister and best friend who both have similar jobs to you. Chose a date we knew both could attend due to their work requirements. Knowing your work, if she really wanted you there, she would have consulted you on dates before booking.

bluejelly · 21/08/2021 11:14

Don't feel guilty. You tried your best. Your friend should have given more notice.

Ughmaybenot · 21/08/2021 11:22

Oh you poor thing, I’d be so upset if I was unable to make it to my best friends wedding, and that’s without being made to feel like a shit friend because of it!!
You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and she was being entirely unreasonable to even suggest you phone in sick. It’s a terrible shame you won’t be able to be there for her big day but it is what it is. I would say she will forgive you but honestly if she is a good, true friend, she would recognise that there is nothing to forgive, it’s just an unfortunate set of circumstances, out of your control.

saraclara · 21/08/2021 11:26

@BeachDrifting

Is there any possibility of knocking off work an hour early?
facepalm
LoislovesStewie · 21/08/2021 11:57

The OP is working in an ITU. ' I'll just leave shall I, I'm sure you will cope with all these very ill people'. I mean, honestly!

whynotwhatknot · 21/08/2021 12:44

Hope youre ok today op just wanted to say thanks to you and your colleagues for all your hard wrk

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/08/2021 12:50

She's being very unreasonable, you just can't go off sick after having your request refused you could get into a lot of trouble at work for that.

I have to give three months notice for holiday in my job so I wouldn't be able to go no matter who it is and I make that quite clear to everybody.

AtticusHoysAnus · 21/08/2021 12:59

There's nothing to forgive.

If she doesn't understand the fact you can't make it then it's on her.

Damnyoureyes · 21/08/2021 13:09

So how about asking a colleague on the night to maybe come in earlier to take over from you, I would do it for you. I’d come in a couple of hours earlier so you could go given these circumstances.

Or could you do an early instead of a LD?

I’m really invested in this now! I want to get you to that wedding!!

Damnyoureyes · 21/08/2021 13:14

Just read you are on back to back LDs
In that case then no, it’s a no go.

Ah well, that’s that.
Sympathies OP, as a fellow ICU nurse like you with over 30 years under my belt, I have missed countless family and close friends celebrations but know that no way could I go out between back to back LDs .
I’m too old and waaaay too knackered.

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 13:14

You had a month to…
Talk with colleagues at least being able to leave early and they start early. I would have offered to work an entire shift on their behalf and paid them in exchange for early leaving so I could make the flight.

Would it have meant a lot of rushing / long travel / hassle do you? Yes. Would I have done it for my best friend of 22 years? Without hesitation

You had a month

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 13:15

I’m not judging you
Because I don’t know the intricacies of your relationship

But for my two best friends of 24 years - honestly, I’d have been there. Where there’s a will, there’s a gawd damn way!

Damnyoureyes · 21/08/2021 13:16

Not with the responsibility of critically ill people there’s not!

A month is just not long enough.

saraclara · 21/08/2021 13:25

@Marni83

I’m not judging you Because I don’t know the intricacies of your relationship

But for my two best friends of 24 years - honestly, I’d have been there. Where there’s a will, there’s a gawd damn way!

FFS. OP is clear that this relationship is really important to her, and that she's been in tears when having tried absolutely every avenue, there was absolutely no-one to cover her shift.

Damn right, you SHOULDN'T be judging her. Clearly people on here don't have the first idea how difficult it is to arrange shift changes on a weekend at the most difficult part of the year, in a field where there is only a tiny number of qualified people within the hospital.

My daughter isn't even in ICU, but swapping a weekend shift in August world be impossible. She has one next week which she's not been able to change, so I'm having to do an hour and a half trip to do childcare for her.

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 13:28

I didn’t suggest swapping

I suggested asking if colleague come in couple of hours early to start shift and in exchange I work an entire shift for them

LoislovesStewie · 21/08/2021 13:28

@Marni83

You had a month to… Talk with colleagues at least being able to leave early and they start early. I would have offered to work an entire shift on their behalf and paid them in exchange for early leaving so I could make the flight.

Would it have meant a lot of rushing / long travel / hassle do you? Yes. Would I have done it for my best friend of 22 years? Without hesitation

You had a month

I don't think you get it, do you? A lot of people who have rotas for work arrange other aspects of their lives according to the rota. So, when I worked shifts I knew when my rest days fell; on those days I would arrange to do everything non-work on those days. So did my colleagues, when I worked days but had to be 'on-call' I sorted my private life out so that I could be on-call and not have to worry if I was called out. My DH made sure that he didn't make any arrangements for when I was on call so that he could care for the children. It's not always possible for others to accommodate in this scenario because they have lives too. It's a lot of disruption.