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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

God I feel terrible, pretty sure this will end my friendship

223 replies

BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 20:05

My closest friend of 22 years is getting married tomorrow and I can't go 😩
They only set the date 4 weeks ago, so very short notice, and my rota is done months in advance, I'm working all weekend. I have tried so many avenues to swap but, due to it being summer holidays, nobody can swap. I have told her this, she has asked me to phone in sick but I just can't as I would undoubtedly be in a lot of trouble due to trying to swap.

She was MOH for me 2 years ago, she has opted to get married in a registry office with just her in laws and grandmother (she was orphaned as a child). Not that I'm upset about this, it's very much her way of doing things with no fuss.

Her daughter has just phoned me but I missed the call as I was putting ds to bed so need to phone back...what the hell do I say to limit any damage?! She knows my predicament, I've been very open, but I don't think she'll forgive me 😔

OP posts:

pucelleauxblanchesmains · 20/08/2021 23:09

No, if she wants to give you only four weeks' notice that's on her.

AngryWhompingWillow · 20/08/2021 23:18

@BleddyHell If someone is only going to give 4 weeks notice for a wedding, then they can't moan when some people can't make it.

22 years of friendship or not, she is no friend if she falls out with you over this.

Can you go to the night do???

Lougle · 20/08/2021 23:35

You can't do anything about this one. Your friend is just going to have understand.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 23:43

Four weeks notice?? That's ridiculous. You'll hardly be the only one who can't make it.

Ugzbugz · 20/08/2021 23:45

Even if you phoned in sick you would no doubt be seen on bloody social media.

I would be sad you couldn't come but would never fall out over it and with 4 weeks notice it would be my own fault!

Kiduknot · 20/08/2021 23:49

Don’t lose a job over it. If she can’t understand that, then she is no friend.

ddl1 · 21/08/2021 00:06

While it's a pity, your friend cannot expect you to be able to automatically attend at four weeks' notice. Especially as you are working in a hospital during a pandemic, at a time when the NHS is known to be short-staffed.. You can't just take off for the day: you would be considered very irresponsible, and could even lose your job.

If your friend is reasonable, she will understand. Perhaps you could have a small celebration later on.

ddl1 · 21/08/2021 00:13

I can’t believe that your boss and not a single one of your colleagues is willing to help you out when your bestie of 22 years is getting married. Sorry but are you sure you have really tried hard enough to be there???????

Good god, what a post! Do you ever watch/read the news? The NHS is practically on its knees at the moment, especially given a little problem called a pandemic. With the best will in the world, they aren't necessarily going to be able to give someone time off at short notice. And they've already said they can't. How would you like it if the hospital was delayed in treating you for an urgent condition, because a staff member had gone off to attend a wedding? And under the circumstances, no one would believe that OP was genuinely ill if she called in sick.

Benjispruce5 · 21/08/2021 00:24

Yanbu

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 00:25

I can’t believe that your boss and not a single one of your colleagues is willing to help you
What a ridiculous point of view. This is not anybody else's problem to fix.

StillMedusa · 21/08/2021 00:26

She's frankly nuts if she thinks an ITU nurse can get leave at short notice!
My DD1 is a junior doctor. Her sister's wedding is in 2 weeks. She's had a year's notice... but guess what..she's just started her next rotation in a major hospital where she is GP training and she cannot get a swap or leave despite trying (and she's been there 6 years and knows everyone and is well liked!)

The NHS is on its knees... everyone knows this. Don't feel guilty. Your friend simply cannot expect you to be there!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/08/2021 00:38

To be honest, a lot of people would decline even without any other reason preventing them, purely at the prospect of a 5-hour round trip, especially on West Country roads.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 00:43

Camping in a field? Overnight? I'd give that a swerve if I'd had four months notice, but that's probably just me.

Mamanyt · 21/08/2021 00:51

Call her. Tell her that it just destroys you not to come, but you cannot. Remind her that your efforts to change shifts with someone means that your work would immediately know you were lying if you tried to call in sick. Tell her that you will be thinking of her with so much love on her special day. IF she is your good friend, she will understand.

gettingoverthings · 21/08/2021 01:56

I'm getting married in A YEAR and made sure I checked the date with all the important people before I confirmed it

She's being VVU

Heliachi · 21/08/2021 02:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

User789101112 · 21/08/2021 03:24

Hi OP, I haven't RTFT but a true friend will understand.

I didn't go to a good friend's wedding some years ago and, like you, worried about it. It was at the other end of the country in a remote location, midweek, involving flights, trains, taxis and a £200 a night hotel. And I would have lost money because of having to cancel work commitments.

So I told her I wasn't going. She wasn't happy about it but she got over it in time and we remain good friends.

I agree with the PP who said your livelihood is more important than your friend's wedding.

CurlyWurlyTwos · 21/08/2021 04:10

You’ve already done everything you can, you can’t do any more!

I’ve missed my best friends wedding in similar circumstances (o wasn’t allowed the day off, she married on a weekday in term time, I teach).

She was unhappy and thought it’d get a day off easily - but ultimately we’re good now! I had to explain how taking time off is when her wedding was is impossible!

It should be fine - you have done nothing to jeopardise your friendship.

ItsDinah · 21/08/2021 04:11

Don't think about going off sick. I've had a few weddings I could not attend. Different countries,not counties! I totted up what I would have spent on attending ( a lot) and added the amount to the wedding presents,which I ensured were exactly what they wanted and delivered a good week before the weddings. No -one fell out. Quite the reverse. It possibly helps that my talent is Admiring Wedding Photos. One bride had over 3,000 . Her mum got to me with them first and supervised me admiring them.

LoislovesStewie · 21/08/2021 05:23

FWIW, I used to have to be on call out of hours, the number of events I missed because someone would decide to have a party or something on the week I was on call. The point is that if you work shifts or have to be on call you sort out your life according to the rota. My colleagues who were also on the on call rota would make arrangements to be sociable when they weren't on the rota, so couldn't swap. You have nothing to feel terrible about, you weren't given enough time to swap. That is it really. She ought to understand.

onelittlefrog · 21/08/2021 05:26

4 weeks notice is not enough.

If you work in ITU, it would be very irresponsible to call in sick and leave them in the lurch.

If your friend cares that much about people being able to make it, she should have given more notice. She is behaving in a very entitled way to put her wedding above your job and the staffing needs of an ITU.

Seesawmummadaw · 21/08/2021 05:40

@Catlover1970

Do you work in the NHS @Catlover1970?

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 21/08/2021 05:53

You are absolutely right not to call in sick.
She is being totally unreasonable to ask you to even consider it. It will reflect badly on you as people will know, and with SM the chances of them finding out somehow are great.
Being impulsive is fun and free and exciting, but not when you are booking a wedding and expecting other people to be able to come at the drop of a hat. This is on her, if she chooses to end your friendship because of this then I think that’s sad but nothing you can do but accept it . Personally I could never end a friendship because of an issue that wasn’t even their fault

Original poster

BleddyHell · 21/08/2021 06:04

@Catlover1970 I can assure you I tried very hard to get the time off, no stone was left unturned but nothing could be done.
I wouldn't phone in sick (I'm just getting ready to walk out the door) because A) the acuity on the unit is very high at the moment and I couldn't put the patients, or my colleagues, in that position and B) having spent the last 4 weeks begging everybody to swap I would find myself in an awful lot of trouble.
I never got to speak to her daughter, she didn't answer, and I'm not going to be able to speak to her before the ceremony, so I'm actually not too sure how the land lies.
I feel miserable this morning 😔

OP posts:

ShingleBeach · 21/08/2021 06:18

You cannot afford to lose your job for a wedding.
No one wants ICU patient’s lives at risk for a wedding.
She has no right to pressure you and guilt trip you: she took this risk with the 4 week’s notice impulse.

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