God I feel terrible, pretty sure this will end my friendship

[BleddyHell]

My closest friend of 22 years is getting married tomorrow and I can't go 😩
They only set the date 4 weeks ago, so very short notice, and my rota is done months in advance, I'm working all weekend. I have tried so many avenues to swap but, due to it being summer holidays, nobody can swap. I have told her this, she has asked me to phone in sick but I just can't as I would undoubtedly be in a lot of trouble due to trying to swap.

She was MOH for me 2 years ago, she has opted to get married in a registry office with just her in laws and grandmother (she was orphaned as a child). Not that I'm upset about this, it's very much her way of doing things with no fuss.

Her daughter has just phoned me but I missed the call as I was putting ds to bed so need to phone back...what the hell do I say to limit any damage?! She knows my predicament, I've been very open, but I don't think she'll forgive me 😔

She can’t expect you to risk your job for one day. It’s a party with a pretty dress.

We have recently had a colleague trying to swap shifts to go to a festival. No one could but colleague was conveniently struck down with a bug that day. Photos all over social media of the festival.

@AnneLovesGilbert I don't know why the rush, they've been talking about getting married for years. They stuck a pin in the calendar and bam! They had a date.

Quote the code of conduct to her

I’m a Nurse, it’s a job like no other but so many people who don’t work in healthcare don’t get it.

Getting cover for shifts is the hardest it has ever been in my little part of NHS (mental health) and the staff we have got are working all hours.

I feel for you but you can hold head high and know there is nothing more you can do💐

God, I'd be sad to miss it but I'd never ring in fake sick to go to a wedding in a different country. You've been friends for 22 years so you're not in your twenties... (I presume). Most people wouldn't pretend to be sick and then go abroad. Not to mention all the extra vaccination passport issues. Imagine you tested positive trying to return home and then had to tell your work you were abroad!

Thank you @CosmicComfort
This isn't a new job, I've been doing it for nearly 20 years, she does know how difficult it is to get short notice time off. Just gutted as our weddings are something we've talked about a lot over the years, she had the role I always wanted her to have and yet I can't even go to hers. It's sad

@PearlyBird I'm nearly 40! But we live in different counties, not countries (although it is quicker to get to Spain 😆

Hope things go ok when you manage to talk to her.

She’s unreasonable if she’s giving you such short notice for her wedding date and then really expecting you to call in sick when you can’t get off work. Most people aren’t in a position where they can afford to risk losing their job over a friend’s wedding.

If she’s a good friend, then she should be able to understand why you genuinely can’t go to her wedding.

She's not a good friend if she can't understand your position

It's short notice

I’ve been the bride in similar circumstances. We had a witnesses only ceremony. I made my choices knowing that one friend was away and others couldn’t make the party afterwards. It was sad but my decision. I love those friends as much as ever.

One of the things I value in my friends is honesty. I can’t believe she wants / expects you to lie to your employer… I would not be at all impressed if one of my friends suggested this of me.

You’ve tried your best which is all you can do. As others have all said, this is what happens when you plan a wedding with only 4 weeks notice.

@BleddyHell

I live 2.5 hours away from her, I start at 7am on Sunday and finish at 7.30pm tomorrow night. I live in West Cornwall and she lives on the east Devon boarder. Her daughter hasn't answered, feeling a little relieved 🤦‍♀️ I am a coward, I know that

At least you'd avoid all the weekend traffic at that time .

But, no you absolutely don't want to be doing that drive after a 12.5hr shift.

@pearlybird counties not countries.

If she gives you grief, you could remind her that, were your presence so important to her, she could have picked a date that you could make!

In your shoes I would be annoyed that she has opted for short-notice knowing that might mean you can't come, failed to appreciate the effort you have gone to, and suggested that you leave your department short-staffed and risk a disciplinary by calling in sick. Her impulsivity isn't an excuse to be a dick - hopefully she will realise that before long!

It's a nightmare getting leave for me too . My daughter got married on Thursday. We got home at 3am this morning after two weeks worth of stress and adrenalin ( and joy ! ) . I knew I'd be knackered, so asked for annual leave for this weekend in April . Too late. Family and friends have learned if they want attendance , then I need a good six months notice . I'm doing my leave application for 2022-23 , now . If your friend knows this , then she must know it's not fair on you to drop a date with a months notice. It is a CV pain , but it's life .

I honestly don’t understand why it should end your friendship? She picked a date you’re not available. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand. Don’t overthink it. Is there another way you can celebrate with her?

.

She’s being absolutely ridiculous. Of course you can’t call in sick, what kind of a numpty thinks that would actually work??

It was her choice to give you such short notice.

And if she goes batshit on you then that’s on her and you should be ending the friendship because she’s not a good friend.

Even if you did take her very bad and downright dishonest advice by calling in sick, what does she actually expect the hospital to do?

Is she expecting your colleagues (who did plan things a much more reasonable time in advance) to miss their holidays, weddings, family celebrations or whatever or does she think that hospitals can just close for a day or two with no more than a bit of a grumble from those who need them?

It's not a pub, where disappointed punters would just realise they couldn't go out for a pint one evening, or a shop where customers would just have to wait or try somewhere else - it's a hospital.

She considers you an essential part of the wedding, yet she still thought that sticking a pin in a calendar was a better idea than paying any heed to a hospital's staffing requirements?!?!

I'm getting married in a few weeks and if I was your friend I would be obviously disappointed you couldn't be there but in no way would I be upset with you or expect you to call in sick.

And obviously 4 weeks notice is not enough.

Call in sick to her wedding. She’s an eejit.

You have no reason to feel terrible. Shoot that thought right down. She's put you in an impossible position. You've tried to make it work but couldn't (not, not wouldn't).

If she gets arsey and it colours the friendship, she's the one who's caused it not you.

I suspect the DD will be calling you in her capacity as flying monkey. Be cool, calm and firm.

^^
note, not wouldn't, not not, not wouldn't.

The annual leave in the team I work in is already booked up for next year. We have to put in our "expressions of interest" 18 months in advance. We are only permitted 15% of our team off between June and September so if you need leave in august and haven't booked it the year before, you won't be getting it.
Yet still people can't understand that some people's work do not have an easy and flexible annual leave process. And no, I can't get leave for next weekend in august ffs