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Original poster

God I feel terrible, pretty sure this will end my friendship

223 replies

BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 20:05

My closest friend of 22 years is getting married tomorrow and I can't go 😩
They only set the date 4 weeks ago, so very short notice, and my rota is done months in advance, I'm working all weekend. I have tried so many avenues to swap but, due to it being summer holidays, nobody can swap. I have told her this, she has asked me to phone in sick but I just can't as I would undoubtedly be in a lot of trouble due to trying to swap.

She was MOH for me 2 years ago, she has opted to get married in a registry office with just her in laws and grandmother (she was orphaned as a child). Not that I'm upset about this, it's very much her way of doing things with no fuss.

Her daughter has just phoned me but I missed the call as I was putting ds to bed so need to phone back...what the hell do I say to limit any damage?! She knows my predicament, I've been very open, but I don't think she'll forgive me 😔

OP posts:
Marni83 · 21/08/2021 13:30

I work rotas

If I offered to work someone’s entire shift in exchange for them coming in couple of hours early - they’d be uptake!

saraclara · 21/08/2021 13:31

@Marni83

I didn’t suggest swapping

I suggested asking if colleague come in couple of hours early to start shift and in exchange I work an entire shift for them

It's a 12.5 hour shift already. No-ne would be allowed to work longer than that. It's not safe, for goodness' sake. This is ICU! And two hours would be no help to OP, given that length of journey and needing to work another 12.5 hours the next day.

Where there's a will, there is NOT always a way.

MadeForThis · 21/08/2021 13:34

You tried your best.

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 13:38

Not everyone will be working 12.5 shifts

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 21/08/2021 14:27

@Marni83

I work rotas

If I offered to work someone’s entire shift in exchange for them coming in couple of hours early - they’d be uptake!

In an ICU?

I don’t know about the OP’s corner of the SW but in this corner, we are desperately short of critical care staff at the moment. I’d imagine that just about anyone who might be able to cover is already doing extra shifts.

Lougle · 21/08/2021 14:56

The trouble with ICU is that the patients are so ill that even delays in treatment can be catastrophic. If you're tired and miss a dose of antibiotics, or don't turn your patient when you should, etc., it can be disastrous. Even if you're looking after level 2 (non-ventilated) patients, you'll have 2 of them. There isn't time to 'catch up', it's all go.

4 weeks is no time at all in ITU and the nurses can't just swap - they have to be a similar band of nurse to keep the skill mix right. You can't have a shift manned by all band 5s one night and band 7s the next. There has to be an appropriate cover. There has to be at least one nurse who is transfer trained, etc.

gannett · 21/08/2021 15:05

I can't imagine ending a friendship over this if I'd arranged my wedding at short notice. Especially not a 22-year friendship with someone in OP's job.

OP I think and hope she'll understand and the friendship will be just fine! Offer to celebrate with her another time.

Chocolatebuttercream · 21/08/2021 15:09

@Marni83 what job do you do?

Notaroadrunner · 21/08/2021 15:12

[quote Chocolatebuttercream]@Marni83 what job do you do?[/quote]
I reckon she's the brides daughter!

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 15:15

I work rotas
Doing what? You do realise it makes a difference, right?

CovidCorvid · 21/08/2021 15:25

I do long days/nights on a labour ward…..there’s no way I’d come in early for a night shift and do 14.5 or 15.5 hrs. I wouldn’t be safe and I doubt it would be allowed. Even less allowed on icu.

Even if that had been possible she would get off work at what 5pm? 3 hour drive to Devon. Get there for 8pm and then have to be back at work a 3 hr drive away for 7am the next day? How much of the party/wedding is she going to see? Ten minutes? Even if she stayed an hour she wouldn’t be back home till midnight and the wouldn’t be safe the next day at work.

saraclara · 21/08/2021 15:27

@Marni83

Not everyone will be working 12.5 shifts
But OP has said that this shift is 12.5 hours. Please at least give her the respect of reading her posts before you claim she's not tried hard enough.
CovidCorvid · 21/08/2021 15:31

And everyone who comes in for the night shift will be working a long night shift….never heard of a short night shift. It’ll be at least 12 hours, possibly more depending on the hospital.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/08/2021 15:35

Four weeks notice is really short. But then so is leaving telling them you can't make it until the day before...

I never got to speak to her daughter, she didn't answer, and I'm not going to be able to speak to her before the ceremony

If you haven't actually told her you can't make it, that is incredibly rude of you.

TwoMountains · 21/08/2021 15:40

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Four weeks notice is really short. But then so is leaving telling them you can't make it until the day before...

I never got to speak to her daughter, she didn't answer, and I'm not going to be able to speak to her before the ceremony

If you haven't actually told her you can't make it, that is incredibly rude of you.

She’s already told the bride she can’t get the time off work, hence the suggestion from the bride that she call in sick Hmm

Somehow I don’t think it’s been a surprise when OP’s not at the wedding.

SnatchCassidy · 21/08/2021 15:45

@Marni83

Not everyone will be working 12.5 shifts
Not everyone is too stupid to read the OPs posts.
HarveySchlumpfenburger · 21/08/2021 15:48

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Four weeks notice is really short. But then so is leaving telling them you can't make it until the day before...

I never got to speak to her daughter, she didn't answer, and I'm not going to be able to speak to her before the ceremony

If you haven't actually told her you can't make it, that is incredibly rude of you.

She has told her before. She missed a call from the brides daughter yesterday which she tried to return and won’t be able to return before the start of the ceremony.
WetBench · 21/08/2021 17:06

@Marni83 so you’re HR bit some poor fucker actually working feet on the ground in the NHS? You know unless you’ve worked it NHS Rota’s are shut and never designed by someone who’s worked it.

Pre covid my friend tried for 3months to be allowed to swap her shift, for her own wedding. HR said she wasn’t allowed, best they could do was let her work a night shift and finish work 2 hours before her wedding. People offered to swap it for free for her wedding, computer said no. It was only when she handed in her notice that the swaps were allowed to happen.

So no OP, you couldn’t have done more and ignore marni

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 17:12

@saraclara

The irony
I know the op is working 12.5
I meant she could see about offering to do someone’s entire shift in exchange for them coming in early
And asking someone who doesn’t do 12.5 hour shifts

Hence me saying….

“Not everyone will working 12.5 hour shifts”

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 17:13

@SnatchCassidy

See response above Hmm

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/08/2021 17:15

She wants you to call in sick from the ITU ??? Different if it was a cafe or something but she's barmy.

saraclara · 21/08/2021 17:16

[quote Marni83]@saraclara

The irony
I know the op is working 12.5
I meant she could see about offering to do someone’s entire shift in exchange for them coming in early
And asking someone who doesn’t do 12.5 hour shifts

Hence me saying….

“Not everyone will working 12.5 hour shifts”[/quote]
So not only does she need to find someone who will do her that favour, she also has to find the needle in the haystack that is a nurse in ICU NOT doing long shifts. Even harder because the person coming in early will be night shift. A night shift that isn't 12.5 hours? Really?

Just stop. You're embarrassing yourself by being so determined to somehow prove that the tearful OP didn't do enough, despite trying for weeks to be at the wedding she desperately wanted to go to.

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 17:16

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Four weeks notice is really short. But then so is leaving telling them you can't make it until the day before...

I never got to speak to her daughter, she didn't answer, and I'm not going to be able to speak to her before the ceremony

If you haven't actually told her you can't make it, that is incredibly rude of you.

I presume the op is meaning she didn’t get chance to speak to the daughter before the ceremony Not the friend of 22 years ago she’s already spoken with
Notonthestairs · 21/08/2021 17:16

I'm certain that a friendship of 22 years can survive this.

I hope the Op gets to celebrate with her friend as & when. WineCake

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 17:18

Her shift is 12.5
Not necessarily everyone’s