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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God I feel terrible, pretty sure this will end my friendship

223 replies

BleddyHell · 20/08/2021 20:05

My closest friend of 22 years is getting married tomorrow and I can't go 😩
They only set the date 4 weeks ago, so very short notice, and my rota is done months in advance, I'm working all weekend. I have tried so many avenues to swap but, due to it being summer holidays, nobody can swap. I have told her this, she has asked me to phone in sick but I just can't as I would undoubtedly be in a lot of trouble due to trying to swap.

She was MOH for me 2 years ago, she has opted to get married in a registry office with just her in laws and grandmother (she was orphaned as a child). Not that I'm upset about this, it's very much her way of doing things with no fuss.

Her daughter has just phoned me but I missed the call as I was putting ds to bed so need to phone back...what the hell do I say to limit any damage?! She knows my predicament, I've been very open, but I don't think she'll forgive me 😔

OP posts:
Tuscancat · 20/08/2021 22:08

Can you pay for a locum or bank staff out of your own pocket? Expensive but perhaps worth it if its important to you both.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 20/08/2021 22:09

And there's no way I'd be calling in sick - after you've got all the way round the houses to try and book it off. That would be job suicide

Catlover1970 · 20/08/2021 22:09

I can’t believe that your boss and not a single one of your colleagues is willing to help you out when your bestie of 22 years is getting married. Sorry but are you sure you have really tried hard enough to be there???????

SpiderinaWingMirror · 20/08/2021 22:10

There is literally nowt you can do.
My 2 oldest friends. One is a nurse and one is a teacher. If I wanted them to attend anything at all, I would know that with the teacher, it would have to be school hols. With the nurse, it would have to be in consultation to make sure she could get leave. As they are my best friends I'd do that before firming up the date!

SisforSarah · 20/08/2021 22:11

OP we arranged our wedding with 9 weeks notice. My bestie (for whom I was a bridesmaid) had already booked a holiday which she didn’t want to change (it involved other family members and was abroad). We are still besties. I had some other significant friends who couldn’t come- that’s a risk you take if you organise a wedding with limited notice. If she wants to loose your friendship over this then she isn’t the friend you think she is.

AnneKipankitoo · 20/08/2021 22:12

You have tried . You can’t do anything else .
♥️🥂🥂
It’s one bloody day !

Brimorion · 20/08/2021 22:14

@Catlover1970

I can’t believe that your boss and not a single one of your colleagues is willing to help you out when your bestie of 22 years is getting married. Sorry but are you sure you have really tried hard enough to be there???????
At four weeks notice on a weekend in the school holidays, you think people would be entirely at liberty to switch shifts?
Binglebong · 20/08/2021 22:15

On a practical note see if the registry office stream the ceremonies. Hopefully you can tgenwatch it when your shift finishes and

AlmostSummer21 · 20/08/2021 22:15

She's the one being unreasonable NOT you.

There's half a dozen people involved, the smart thing to do is check which dates they are free? Not just choose one then have a strop when people aren't available!! Silly moo!!

I'm sad for you because it sounds like you'd really like to be there, but she's infuriating!

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 20/08/2021 22:16

@Catlover1970

I can’t believe that your boss and not a single one of your colleagues is willing to help you out when your bestie of 22 years is getting married. Sorry but are you sure you have really tried hard enough to be there???????
When you work in the emergency services/healthcare settings a summer holiday weekend off is the rarest of delights. I wouldn't swap one - and maybe the management are difficult about what shifts can be swapped, ours are awful. It's like they go out of their way to prevent you being off duty
AlmostSummer21 · 20/08/2021 22:19

@Catlover1970

I can’t believe that your boss and not a single one of your colleagues is willing to help you out when your bestie of 22 years is getting married. Sorry but are you sure you have really tried hard enough to be there???????
Jesus, talk about put the boot in!!

I have tried so many avenues to swap but, due to it being summer holidays, nobody can swap

& she WANTS to go!!

Your post is horrible.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 20/08/2021 22:20

I can’t believe that your boss and not a single one of your colleagues is willing to help you out when your bestie of 22 years is getting married. Sorry but are you sure you have really tried hard enough to be there???????

Really??? I'm sure somebody could and would have helped if they'd actually been given any kind of notice period in which to do so. Most of those who are off are probably going on their much-needed, long-awaited holidays, which they almost certainly already booked long before four weeks ago.

BrilliantBetty · 20/08/2021 22:28

Ah that's a real shame. But you have done all you can without putting yourself in jeopardy.
Did you say your on the ITU.. It's not like you have much flexibility with that and we all know you must be having a hectic time of it at work so she would be unreasonable to be annoyed with you for not attending.
Hopefully her DD is calling to see how you are and assure you there'll be saving a slice of cake for you!

Shallwegoforawalk · 20/08/2021 22:35

@Catlover1970 as OP works in ITU and we are in a pandemic, in school holidays, a weekend, and its the NHS, then YES I can totally and completely believe she can't get a shift swop.

Lalliella · 20/08/2021 22:36

You work in ITU?! Of course you can’t pull a fake sickie. Your friend is being completely and utterly unreasonable. It’s her behaviour that is jeopardising your friendship not yours. If she was a proper friend she wouldn’t be asking you to do that.

saraclara · 20/08/2021 22:39

@Catlover1970 FFS it's AUGUST. It's school holidays and it's a weekend! Do you seriously think that anyone is going to a) be available and b) want to swap?

My DD is a nurse and even in February, swapping a weekend 12.5 hour shift is close to impossible.

ColourMeExhausted · 20/08/2021 22:44

Please don't call in sick...my friend did that for a mutual friend's wedding years ago. After the wedding we went on a pub crawl before the evening reception. As we staggered out of a pub who should drive past....yes, my friend's boss! He saw her, and although she wasn't fired then her days were definitely numbered in the job after that.

Your friend is being very unreasonable.

savemefromsearches · 20/08/2021 22:48

@Catlover1970

I can’t believe that your boss and not a single one of your colleagues is willing to help you out when your bestie of 22 years is getting married. Sorry but are you sure you have really tried hard enough to be there???????
Bridezilla, is that you? 👀
Summerfun54321 · 20/08/2021 22:48

Don’t risk losing your job by pulling a sickie. Your friend’s demanding request sounds entitled and selfish. Surely anyone would understand that if you plan a wedding with only 4 weeks notice, there’s a massive chance some guests won’t be able to attend.

JudgeJ · 20/08/2021 22:49

@LordOfTheOnionRings

I would call in sick personally unless I was being monitored for sickness.

But, she has to respect your choice! 4 weeks isn't enough time.

If the OP calls in sick and pics appear on social media then she could lose her job, very unreasonable of a so-called friend to put the OP into that position.
WetBench · 20/08/2021 22:49

People who don’t have experience of working in or relatives working in the NHS genuinely don’t understand that you can’t get what you want. Of course if you call in sick you’re going to likely lose your job as they’ll know why. Unless you are genuinely admitted to hospital yourself overnight you have to go to work.

Sorry she’s asked this of you and sorry you can’t go and hope the friendship get back on track.

WetBench · 20/08/2021 22:50

[quote Shallwegoforawalk]@Catlover1970 as OP works in ITU and we are in a pandemic, in school holidays, a weekend, and its the NHS, then YES I can totally and completely believe she can't get a shift swop. [/quote]
This.

LadyWithLapdog · 20/08/2021 22:57

You can’t call in sick, it would be unprofessional and you wouldn’t enjoy it or be able to talk about it or you would have to always watch it in case you let it slip.

Standrewsschool · 20/08/2021 23:01

You’ve done nothing wrong and don’t call in sick - it could be a sackable offence if you’re caught. Four weeks notice is too short, especially when shift work is involved.

If you speak to her daughter, just be honest and tell her you can’t change shifts despite trying everyone, and you can’t call in sick because of the potential consequences if caught,

whynotwhatknot · 20/08/2021 23:04

Op you work in a hospital shes a cf expecting you to phone in sick and as youve already asked would look really dodgy

If she wanted you there she should have checked first