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Relationships

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Original poster

He won’t propose until I lose weight

424 replies

Spidermum2 · 20/08/2021 07:44

A friend came round last night and we got talking about someone we know who had just got married. Friend said to me in a lighthearted way, “when is it your turn” to which dp said “I’ve told her I’ll propose when she loses weight” He has said this to me in the past, but I let it go over my head at the time. But as he has said it again, he must really mean it which hurts a lot. I’m in two minds as to whether I am over reacting. One part of me thinks it may be his way of ‘trying’ to spur me on to lose weight and in his mind thinks he’s giving me a kick up the arse and trying to be helpful. Or whether he’s being a total dick and I should consider if I want to be with him let alone marry him.

OP posts:

Mummyratbag · 20/08/2021 10:23

A long time ago I read some twat's bloke's comment on the internet where he proudly said that he had married his wife at something like 8 and half stone and that was part of the deal. He would weigh her weekly and if she went over she wasn't allowed to eat until her weight dropped. The hideous comment has never left me and I often think of her. The entitlement, arrogance and abuse of it still shocks me ... your situation feels like it could go in the same direction..

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2021 10:26

I often feel that women can sometimes tend to overlook a lot for the sake of the wanted “proposal”, as it’s seen as such a prize or marker of success in moving forward in life.

This. It's so awful that women are still so fixated on the proposal: as if its his gift to bestow, this horrible man gets the power to your relationship because he's the one with the proposal.

I know this isn't the main issue here but its so backwards that women are being expected to behave like performing seals to obtain the ultimate prize; a useless, unkind and uncaring cunt of a man who tortures his OH.

Just awful..

Take the control back OP. Tell him to stick his proposal up his arse. Then get rid.

Whysolong7 · 20/08/2021 10:27

I think a condition offer when it comes to proposing isn’t really the vibe when it comes to starting a life together. Loving someone for who they are is probably what most people hope for in a long term partner.

If you loose weight, marry and put weight back on is the idea then divorce? I would think carefully about getting into a situation where the stability of your relationship is based on your weight.

shrodingersbiscuit · 20/08/2021 10:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

Drinkingallthewine · 20/08/2021 10:30

How hurtful. That's the kind of thing that you remember decades later. The fact that your friend texted you to check you were ok tells you how shocking and cruel it was.

I know you have children with him, and I don't say this lightly but you really should have a long hard think about how he speaks to you and how he speaks about you. Your partner is supposed to love you more than anyone else after your kids so why would they say something cruel and hurtful to the most important person in their life?

All too often we let this behaviour slide. And when we do, it erodes self esteem, self worth, and only ever leads to more disrespectful behaviour and more hurtful words.

I was fucking gorgeous when I met OH. Now I'm about 2 stone heavier and while I'm not fat, I do need to shift about a stone at least and I've aged a bit as well. So has he, but he's still fucking gorgeous to me. That's the whole point of 'growing old' together, isn't it? That we find someone who loves us for what's inside, and fancies what's on the outside as a result of that love all the way into old age and all that entails.

Yousexybugger · 20/08/2021 10:31

Wow. I went straight to OP's comments as I was expecting you to be overweight to the point where he was concerned about a future with you. Not saying it would have been tactful to say it in front of a friend but I would have maybe understood his point. And that's as someone with weight to lose who has been considerably more overweight in the past so absolutely not a fat shamer.

But you're one stone over, 6 months after having a baby. That's not about concern for your health, its about control and wanting you to maintain a certain look. When I was younger and much slimmer, i had a boyfriend (no looker, truth be told), who used to make constant jibes about my weight. I have decided I'd never put up with that again unless it was genuine concern presented to me with kindness and tact. As I say, I could understand extreme circumstances but other than that, a commitment of love is not contingent upon whether you lose a stone, it is not some reward for you, it's a mutual commitment. I think his understanding of marriage, love, the effects of pregnancy and kindness are all wrong and would be telling him to shove his dangled proposal up his arse.

Whysolong7 · 20/08/2021 10:31

Oh wow - just saw that you had his second baby 6 months ago. Fucking hell only1 stone heavier than ideal you’re doing great and his response it’s really, really out of line.

Mumoblue · 20/08/2021 10:31

Wow- the only weight you need to lose is his sorry ass. Why would you want to marry someone like that?!

Hathertonhariden · 20/08/2021 10:34

If he says that again say that you'll accept his proposal when he becomes a decent human being.

RosiePosieDozy · 20/08/2021 10:35

That is disgusting and no way for you to live. That does not sound like a loving relationship.

Antwerpen · 20/08/2021 10:38

@NellDodds

He humiliated you in front of a friend? Ditch him and then lose weight for you.

This

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2021 10:39

@Hathertonhariden

If he says that again say that you'll accept his proposal when he becomes a decent human being.

Don’t bother, just get rid. You don’t want to be married to someone who thinks of you like a pet to be groomed and weighed in to get to the ultimate show quality.

If you have female children, think about how you would feel if one of them were spoken to by a partner like this.

Fuck him off.

Booboo24 · 20/08/2021 10:40

I hadn't seen the part where you've said you are only 6 months pp, this obviously changes things, but is it a case of you saying you want to lose weight and him thinking this will spur you on in some clumsy way? Only you know the context really but 6 months is nothing and not many people would be back at pre baby size in that time

mistermagpie · 20/08/2021 10:41

I had a boyfriend who told me once 'it's a shame you have such small tits for a big girl'.

This was over 20 years ago and I have never ever forgotten it. I promise you will never forget him saying this, ever. It doesn't matter if you are together for 50 years, he will have still said what he said.

Is that what you want? Because he sounds awful and the only weight you should be losing is the dead weight that he is.

Bundaberg84 · 20/08/2021 10:43

Yeah no. Lose the 11 stones and get rid of him.

So a girl I know is with a guy since years. She was a bit overweight, and her boyfriend actually said the exact same thing - he will propose to her once she lost weight. I couldn't believe what my friend told me, but I wasn't close enough to that girl to tell her what I think about it (my friend did, though). She stayed with him. She lost weight. She got two children with him. They married. She's really, utterly unhappy in her life now. Don't be her.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 20/08/2021 10:43

This is an aside from the main issue, and I agree with PP that it was a despicable thing to do to you. But I'm t sea with this whole 'proposal' thing, along with the assumption that it has to be the man who does the asking. Ergo HE is the one to decide whether, and when, the couple should marry. It all seems very ... 1910.

I say stuff that for a lark. It should be a discussion; once you've lived together a few years each partner should at least have an inkling how the other feels about it. In our case, DH was the one who really wanted marriage and I didn't really care either way. I did it because it mattered to him. Had the boot been on the other foot I'd have proposed to him! There's no law says you can't. But not if he said he'd only marry me if I lost weight.

for you OP. That was cruel, and I might have been tempted to say to him there was no guarantee I'd accept his half-hearted, rotten proposal!

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 20/08/2021 10:43

I really hope that you are financially independent and that you have not lost out on career advancement and pension contributions through having DC with this man and providing free childcare and wifework for him without the legal and financial protection of marriage. If not, then I would be looking at him in a whole new light following THAT remark.

1 stone overweight after birthing a baby 6 months ago! Your 'D'P should be fucking ashamed of saying something so crass. I'm not sure I'd want to marry someone who seems so reluctant to wed me after having 2 DC together. He doesn't seem good enough for you Op.

SixesAndEights · 20/08/2021 10:45

@Spidermum2

Thanks everyone. Glad to know I’m not over reacting. He’s made me feel so shitty. Like I’m good enough as a girlfriend, but nothing more. It’s made it hard to imagine carrying on with him knowing what he thinks of me

I just wouldn't carry on with him. That was a horrible thing to say whether your friend was there or not. And obviously your friend is looking out for you here. You deserve better than this arsehole.

QueeniesCroft · 20/08/2021 10:45

@knittingaddict

You've been together 9 years, you have two children together and you aren't married yet? I can 100% guarantee that this is NOT because you are 1 stone overwieght.

By saying it is he is achieving two things. Making it your fault that you aren't married (it isn't) and shaming you in front of a friend. What a nasty piece of work he is.

I was going to post this, but now don't need to!

Men who want to get married propose. Men who pretend that they will propose when their partner jumps through some hoop of other are controlling, lieing arseholes.

This is a really shocking thing to have heard from the person who is supposed to love you most, OP, but it is really just a particularly nasty variation on a very common theme on MN. Better men are available.

WetBench · 20/08/2021 10:47

Sorry, your relationship is over. To say that in front of your friend is absolutely horrible. 1 stone overweight 6months post growing a little human is nothing!

noideawhatusernametochoose · 20/08/2021 10:48

LTB.

daisyjgrey · 20/08/2021 10:50

Fucking Nora, don't marry him!

You're 1 stone more than (an arguably useless measuring system says) you're 'supposed' to be and you had a baby 6 months ago and he's saying he'll only propose if you're thinner?

He's a prick.

Northernlurker · 20/08/2021 10:51

I agree, lose a whole lot of stones instantly by ditching this git

PoachedPair · 20/08/2021 10:52

100% agree with PPs. You deserve so much better then this man who is at best shallow and at worst incredibly cruel. I would be devastated if my DH said something like that to me (and I'm 4 stone overweight!!)

Original poster

Spidermum2 · 20/08/2021 10:52

Thanks again to everyone. I would reply to each reply but there’s that many I’m loosing track. But I am very grateful for the replies and the support

OP posts:

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