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Original poster

He won’t propose until I lose weight

424 replies

Spidermum2 · 20/08/2021 07:44

A friend came round last night and we got talking about someone we know who had just got married. Friend said to me in a lighthearted way, “when is it your turn” to which dp said “I’ve told her I’ll propose when she loses weight” He has said this to me in the past, but I let it go over my head at the time. But as he has said it again, he must really mean it which hurts a lot. I’m in two minds as to whether I am over reacting. One part of me thinks it may be his way of ‘trying’ to spur me on to lose weight and in his mind thinks he’s giving me a kick up the arse and trying to be helpful. Or whether he’s being a total dick and I should consider if I want to be with him let alone marry him.

OP posts:
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 20/08/2021 09:45

I don’t even know where to start with how awful this is. Please tell me you work and are not financially dependent on this man as an unmarried SAHM?

screechyowl · 20/08/2021 09:47

@Spidermum2

A friend came round last night and we got talking about someone we know who had just got married. Friend said to me in a lighthearted way, “when is it your turn” to which dp said “I’ve told her I’ll propose when she loses weight” He has said this to me in the past, but I let it go over my head at the time. But as he has said it again, he must really mean it which hurts a lot. I’m in two minds as to whether I am over reacting. One part of me thinks it may be his way of ‘trying’ to spur me on to lose weight and in his mind thinks he’s giving me a kick up the arse and trying to be helpful. Or whether he’s being a total dick and I should consider if I want to be with him let alone marry him.
You need to ask yourself why you don't eat well, exercise enough or have gained unhealthy amounts of weight (I am not judging - I have been there). And my guess is because on some level, you are unhappy with this man.

Or perhaps you have gained it from stress, childbearing or in some other way. Regardless, if he was a decent man, he would help and support you in losing any excess weight, in a sensitive way. Which doesn't include making snide remarks in front of your friend.

What if you gained weight after marriage, would he be unfaithful or divorce you?

frozendaisy · 20/08/2021 09:50

So is he God's gift to women then?

Bogofftosomewherehot · 20/08/2021 09:51

"You need to ask yourself why you don't eat well, exercise enough or have gained unhealthy amounts of weight (I am not judging - I have been there). And my guess is because on some level, you are unhappy with this man. "

because 1 stone over weight isn't catastrophic, because she has a 6 month old and another child too. Give the girl a break.

Phrowzunn · 20/08/2021 09:51

I knew a guy who said he would propose to his girlfriend if she managed to give up smoking which was done as an incentive and was for her own health benefit and everybody seemed to think this was a good idea / fair enough. But if you are only a stone overweight after recently having a baby, that’s not a health benefit type scenario. He’s just being a total asshole. Also agree with PP that if he’s already had kids with you it’s meaningless anyway as surely that is a bigger commitment which he has already agreed to? Good enough to bear his children but just not to be his wife? What a nonsense.

ChargingBuck · 20/08/2021 09:51

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

Very inconsiderate for him to say that and hurtful, it says to me he doesn't care about your feelings. But mumsnet is notorious for being in denial when it comes to weight, I don't know your story OP , is it a case of your doctor has warned you it's a massive health risk, have you got diabetes, blood pressure etc and are very poorly due to weight? Was he ham fistedly trying to help you?
ODFOD

Dressing weight-shaming up in concern-trolling words is still weight-shaming.

I imagine OP has full awareness of her own medical history. Cruel comments, from her partner or you aren't going to change anything, are they?

frazzledasarock · 20/08/2021 09:51

I had my last DC two years ago I'm still carrying the extra weight.

I'm not overweight, but definitely heavier than I was when I met DH.

I want to lose the weight for me as I don't like being this weight. Not once has DH ever said anything derogatory about my weight, he is always complimentary even when I'm moaning about the state of me. He once said to me he could never see me as anything but beautiful as I gave birth to our DC and he saw exactly the toll it took on my health.

And that frankly is all your P should say to you about your weight.

I'm sure most of us would love the banging bods we had at 19, we age our bodies and health change, having kids alters your body.

I wouldn't want to marry a man who was rude and uncaring.

Is he an oil painting himself?

MyOtherProfile · 20/08/2021 09:53

I'd be adapting the famous Churchill quote when Lady Astor told him he was drunk:

My dear you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly

igelkott2021 · 20/08/2021 09:55

I'm sure most of us would love the banging bods we had at 19, we age our bodies and health change, having kids alters your body

I didn't have a banging bod at 19, I am probably the leanest and fittest I've ever been since I was about 11! And the ladies I know who have fairly recently had kids and run, now run faster!

I wonder if the OP's partner (soon to be ex I assume) has a banging bod?

5zeds · 20/08/2021 09:55

I’d explain that you won’t be marrying him so there is little point in asking you.

SprayedWithDettol · 20/08/2021 09:56

No one who loved you would say that, ever.

screechyowl · 20/08/2021 09:58

@Bogofftosomewherehot

"You need to ask yourself why you don't eat well, exercise enough or have gained unhealthy amounts of weight (I am not judging - I have been there). And my guess is because on some level, you are unhappy with this man. "

because 1 stone over weight isn't catastrophic, because she has a 6 month old and another child too. Give the girl a break.

Yes, I hadn't read the whole thread or the post where she disclosed her weight. Which just makes it even worse, really. Don't some men realise that women gain weight through childbirth and find it hard to lose through tiredness, PND, the forced idleness of being round young babies? His comment was very cruel.
ineedaholidaynow · 20/08/2021 10:01

So how long have you been talking about marriage, bearing in mind you have been together 9 years and have 2 children?

I would have been so upset by that comment. I also assume he has absolutely no intention to marry you. I can't believe anyone would think this was an acceptable thing to say, there is no context where it could be.

IsThePopeCatholic · 20/08/2021 10:03

Cruel and disrespectful . I couldn’t be with someone like that. Hope you’re ok, op.

MargosKaftan · 20/08/2021 10:05

Its important you listen to what he said.

He doesn't think you are "good enough" to commit to. So even though you've been together for 9 years and have 2 children, in his mind, he isn't committed yet, as he thinks he can do better. He'll marry you if you become better, but wants to maintain the option to easily leave if a better woman is made available to him.

Hes had 2 children with you while not thinking you are good enough for a long term commitment.

Even if you don't leave him for his, you need to be prepared for the possibly he might leave you.

Your youngest is 6months old so that will make life harder. Are you on maternity leave? Please go back to work if you can. Build savings in your own name (do not let him know about it). Make sure you are ready so can cope if he decides he can do better.

Lose weight, dont lose weight. But don't think your partner sees your relationship as his life partnership. Long term plans might include him, but don't bank on it.

Dentistlakes · 20/08/2021 10:06

What a horrible thing to say. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who placed conditions on whether they would marry me or not. If you did lose weight and then marry this idiot, you would always be anxious about ever gaining weight again. That’s no way to live. If he was genuinely concerned for your health, he wouldn’t voice it in this way.

I was overweight for many years (having preciously been very slim) after many rounds of IVF and then 2 pregnancies. Never in all that time did DH voice his opinion on my weight in a negative way. It was only ever mentioned once during the early weeks of lockdown when he became genuinely concerned I was at an increased risk. I consequently lost the weight, but he has never used it as way to humiliate me.

snowdaysalldays · 20/08/2021 10:08

I can understand why you would be hurt by that comment. What happens if you lose weight and then put it on again at some point in the future once you are married?

Lorw · 20/08/2021 10:11

OP that’s really cruel, so sorry Sad

indecisivewoman81 · 20/08/2021 10:11

What a horrible humiliating thing for him to say to you!

Do you really want to marry someone who talks to you like that?

Dogoodfeelgood · 20/08/2021 10:12

@M0rT

I'd try to have a dispassionate look at your relationship as it stands now. Is he kind? Does it feel like a partnership? Is the division of responsibility fairly even and do you both pick up each others slack automatically if one of you is Ill/works mad hours/has to help family etc Do you feel like if you lost your job/got a bad diagnosis he would have your back? Does he make you laugh? Do you fancy him? If you won a holiday would he be your first choice to bring because he's the person you want to be with the most or because you feel you should? I was so happy when I got engaged I was terrified something was going to happen to DH to take away my happiness. I'm not saying that's healthy but would you be elated if you got engaged and you imagined spending your life with him?
This is really good advice. The internet can’t make a judgement on your relationship based on one (albeit terrible sounding) comment. Only you can look it in the context of your relationship.

I often feel that women can sometimes tend to overlook a lot for the sake of the wanted “proposal”, as it’s seen as such a prize or marker of success in moving forward in life. Kind of like hoping you nail the interview and forgetting that the interview is your chance to review the company and make sure they work for you!

If he’s withholding the proposal in this way it might be blinding you to other problems with him as you’re focused on winning that.

knittingaddict · 20/08/2021 10:13

You've been together 9 years, you have two children together and you aren't married yet? I can 100% guarantee that this is NOT because you are 1 stone overwieght.

By saying it is he is achieving two things. Making it your fault that you aren't married (it isn't) and shaming you in front of a friend. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Forstarters · 20/08/2021 10:17

What everyone else has said but ALSO you’ve been together almost a decade. Why does HE get to decide alone when you would get married. In a partnership you make life decisions together.

My first LTB

ArabellaScott · 20/08/2021 10:17

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Lose 11 stone of useless flesh instantly by dumping him.
Yep.

This is controlling, nasty, and horrible.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 20/08/2021 10:17

My friend (a gorgeous size 8/10) was told she was fat by her arsehole partner. She lost weight. 10 years and 1 divorce later she still has mental health and eating problems. I really wish she had left the first time he said it to her.

FelicityPike · 20/08/2021 10:18

I HRTFT (but I’m sure I’m repeating what others have said!).
He’s a WANKER!!
I’d be fully, seriously reconsidering this relationship.

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