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Original poster

He won’t propose until I lose weight

424 replies

Spidermum2 · 20/08/2021 07:44

A friend came round last night and we got talking about someone we know who had just got married. Friend said to me in a lighthearted way, “when is it your turn” to which dp said “I’ve told her I’ll propose when she loses weight” He has said this to me in the past, but I let it go over my head at the time. But as he has said it again, he must really mean it which hurts a lot. I’m in two minds as to whether I am over reacting. One part of me thinks it may be his way of ‘trying’ to spur me on to lose weight and in his mind thinks he’s giving me a kick up the arse and trying to be helpful. Or whether he’s being a total dick and I should consider if I want to be with him let alone marry him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2021 09:28

He needs to be gone from your day to day life. He's upping the control here re your weight because he has repeated this in front of your friend.

What is the situation re the property and finances?.

I presume these children have his surname too rather than yours.

After 9 years and 2 DC I'd question whether he is ever going to want to get married. Indeed dangling a proposal over your head with conditions attached to them is always a bad sign and I would think he has no intentions whatsoever of marrying you.

2020nymph · 20/08/2021 09:30

@Spidermum2

Just to add, I had DC2 only 6 months ago
FFS! He can do one. You've had a baby six months ago and he is commenting on your weight and if you lose it, the prize is him?! 😡

I'd be having strong words and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

JedEye · 20/08/2021 09:31

Sorry posted too soon. Just to say it’s up to you whether you do anything about if but what message does it give if you don’t.

Purplepeople12 · 20/08/2021 09:32

We don't know the rest of the conversation or even relationship, so it's hard to say, but, yes I'd be offended, but I wouldn't say he's wrong, if he knows he wouldn't be as drawn to you overweight then why shouldn't he be allowed to say how he feels? He clearly loves you as he wants to marry you, but would like you to lose weight first. Do you want to lose weight, or this all him?

HermioneKipper · 20/08/2021 09:32

What a horrible thing to say. He sounds like an arsehole. Especially after you had a baby 6 months ago ☹️ Presumably he looks like a Greek god does he? I’d be reconsidering the relationship OP.

Hope you’re ok

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2021 09:32

Even if it weren’t 6 months after you’d had a baby AND it’s only a stone, I’d still think it a horrible horrible thing to say and tell him he’s lucky if he’s only sleeping on the sofa and take some serious time to think.

But given those extra things I don’t think I could get over it. I’d be assessing the finances and my options. You are worth more than anyone’s ‘good enough for now’ or ‘good enough to have my babies’. I’m so angry for you and at your absolute asshole of a partner. I’m a stone over my usual weight 6 months after I’ve had a baby, that’s pretty normal!!

Given

AngryWhompingWillow · 20/08/2021 09:33

Urgh what a vile bastard. Confused

Of COURSE YANBU, What a nasty thing to say. Shame you have children with him... It would be easier to ghost the fucker. Sorry, I don't mean it's a shame your children exist, just a shame HE is the father.

And if you DO lose the weight, and he marries you LUCKY GIRL!!! will he divorce you if you regain it?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 20/08/2021 09:34

Dump him. Today.

There is nothing worth staying for in a relationship with a man who talks about you like this. Doesn't matter whether you have kids, a house etc - you only have one life, so don't spend it with someone who despises you.

AngryWhompingWillow · 20/08/2021 09:36

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He needs to be gone from your day to day life. He's upping the control here re your weight because he has repeated this in front of your friend.

What is the situation re the property and finances?.

I presume these children have his surname too rather than yours.

After 9 years and 2 DC I'd question whether he is ever going to want to get married. Indeed dangling a proposal over your head with conditions attached to them is always a bad sign and I would think he has no intentions whatsoever of marrying you.

Exactly this. He is NOT a keeper, he is a very rude and unpleasant and controlling man. @Spidermum2 You need to start taking steps to remove him from your day to day life. I'd be thinking about leaving if I were you. My husband is not perfect, and can be a bit of a twat occasionally, and very annoying occasionally, but he has never treated me like this.
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 20/08/2021 09:36

I mean, he literally told your friend that he thinks you're too fat. He said it to humiliate you. What kind of partner would do that?

AnimalCrossingNewHorizons · 20/08/2021 09:36

@Spidermum2

Thanks everyone. Glad to know I’m not over reacting. He’s made me feel so shitty. Like I’m good enough as a girlfriend, but nothing more. It’s made it hard to imagine carrying on with him knowing what he thinks of me
Once you decide to leave, watch how quickly he tries to change his tune and show that he’s “changed”.

Don’t be fooled. For him to be that callous, I’d think twice of having a future with him. Lose weight for yourself and your health. You just gave birth 6 months ago and he still said that to you.

If he really wanted to marry you, he would. Now it’s no longer a matter of him refusing to tie the knot, but a matter of decency and heartlessness on his part.

But do have a think and start reaching out to in real life support. If he has shown changes, he has to prove that he deserves you. And you can decide whether a future with him is worth it.

Naunet · 20/08/2021 09:37

@Booboo24

I think context is everything here, if he's respectful in every other way then although he was wrong to say this to your friend, he was being honest (if a little harsh). I know it feels like a kick in the teeth but it doesn't have anything to do with his love for you, even though that's not a popular opinion on here. Maybe he's worried that once you're married you won't have any incentive to work at it? I have been in a similar position so I am speaking from experience here, as much as I love him, the attractiveness just wouldn't be the same if he carried on piling weight on, although I expect to be hung drawn and quartered for that on here. I too worry about the health side of it, and that absolutely is my business because it clearly would affect myself and the children if he became unwell because of it, or worse
The context is that she gave birth 6 months ago 🤨
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/08/2021 09:39

I have a mate that did this, bf regularly humiliated her about her size (a 14) she got down to a 6/8 for her wedding. He went in to be a full blown abusive, child alienating, pet murdering abusive cunt. And everything was about her weight. She is now with a super kind sweet man who supports her in fighting her resulting EDs. Hope your friend sees the light.

user1471538283 · 20/08/2021 09:39

So you lose weight and then what? Something else like changing your job/attitude etc.

This would be it for me.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/08/2021 09:39

You, not your friend.

lambsandlion · 20/08/2021 09:40

Is there more of a backstory? have you said that you wouldn't want to look back at wedding photos in years to come, and feel that you hadn't looked your best because you weren't happy with your weight? Is it part of a jokey deal, like he stops smoking, you lose weight sort of thing? If he knows that you would not be happy getting married looking any less than what YOU feel is your best, maybe that's what he meant? He never said he wanted you to be slimmer, I wonder if he just knows you wouldn't be happy unless you were feeling at your best?

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2021 09:40

@Booboo24

I think context is everything here, if he's respectful in every other way then although he was wrong to say this to your friend, he was being honest (if a little harsh). I know it feels like a kick in the teeth but it doesn't have anything to do with his love for you, even though that's not a popular opinion on here. Maybe he's worried that once you're married you won't have any incentive to work at it? I have been in a similar position so I am speaking from experience here, as much as I love him, the attractiveness just wouldn't be the same if he carried on piling weight on, although I expect to be hung drawn and quartered for that on here. I too worry about the health side of it, and that absolutely is my business because it clearly would affect myself and the children if he became unwell because of it, or worse
No no no. There is no context at all in which its acceptable to humiliate a partner in front of a friend about weight. Particularly weight which is largely attributable to her recently having had a baby.

This has really shocked me. The fact that someone could actually think it is appropriate for a partner to say this is really chilling.

Hard to know where to begin, there's so much wrong with his attitude.

a) its hugely cruel and humiliating to say this in front of your friend.
b) it's a horribly misogynist mindset that you're not "good enough" to marry because you are (very slightly) overweight.
c) Do you really want to marry someone who thinks of a proposal as something which is "his" right to bestow on you like Lord of the manor? If you are going to get married (and, spoiler, you shouldn't) it should be a mutual decision.
d) you are only slightly overweight and for totally understandable reasons. So the idea that this is about "health" is bullshit.

What a horrible man. I really couldn't stay with someone who had tried to use my weight as a way to hurt me like this. Get the hell out of dodge. Whatever you do don't marry him. Do you work? Is there somewhere you can go?

AngryWhompingWillow · 20/08/2021 09:41

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

I have a mate that did this, bf regularly humiliated her about her size (a 14) she got down to a 6/8 for her wedding. He went in to be a full blown abusive, child alienating, pet murdering abusive cunt. And everything was about her weight. She is now with a super kind sweet man who supports her in fighting her resulting EDs. Hope your friend sees the light.
OMG the poor lass! Sad Pet murdering?!!!!Shock And child alienating!!!

I have to agree though, that a man who is callous and mean enough to fat-shame the mother of his children in front of people is not a good man. And it's only the tip of the iceberg. Things will get worse.

therocinante · 20/08/2021 09:41

Horrifying. Please leave this awful man, OP.

zenabartell · 20/08/2021 09:41

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Regularsizedrudy · 20/08/2021 09:42

Just seen you’ve already had kids with this piece of shit. He’s never going to marry you, he has no reason to. So he threw that insult at you just for shits and giggles. Oh my god why waste your life with someone like this?

Garriet · 20/08/2021 09:42

Wow. He’d be gone, if that was me.
What an awful man.

Hardploc · 20/08/2021 09:42

Next time he says it, reply with ‘And I’ll accept when you’ve grown a bigger penis’

Branleuse · 20/08/2021 09:43

If someone said that in front of me about his partner, id be horrified. What a thing to say. Id never think of him the same way and id openly suggest to her that I knew a quick way of dumping 12 stone

YanTanTethera123 · 20/08/2021 09:45

I’d save him the bother and tell him to bugger off.
What a thoroughly nasty piece of crap he is.

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