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Original poster

He won’t propose until I lose weight

424 replies

Spidermum2 · 20/08/2021 07:44

A friend came round last night and we got talking about someone we know who had just got married. Friend said to me in a lighthearted way, “when is it your turn” to which dp said “I’ve told her I’ll propose when she loses weight” He has said this to me in the past, but I let it go over my head at the time. But as he has said it again, he must really mean it which hurts a lot. I’m in two minds as to whether I am over reacting. One part of me thinks it may be his way of ‘trying’ to spur me on to lose weight and in his mind thinks he’s giving me a kick up the arse and trying to be helpful. Or whether he’s being a total dick and I should consider if I want to be with him let alone marry him.

OP posts:
Triphazards · 20/08/2021 09:09

In your position, I'd lose loads of weight, marry him, then put twice as much weight on.

Then I'd say: "Your move."

Stormyequine · 20/08/2021 09:10

So how does he think that will work then? You lose the weight to a level he deems acceptable, and he proposes. If you then put some on again will the wedding be cancelled? Will he divorce you if you put on weight once married? What about if you are unwell and that affects your appearance? He sounds like a very shallow person who values appearance above everything, and unkind to boot. I'd be having a serious think about what you want in the future and whether he should feature in it.

PiratePetespajamas · 20/08/2021 09:10

He’s got to go. You definitely don’t want to be married to a man like that. Lose weight for your own health and well-being, if you’re overweight, but definitely not for a proposal from that tosser.

Happymum12345 · 20/08/2021 09:11

No, no, no! Even if you lose weight, imagine if the pressure not to gain it back again. Nobody deserves to feel only worthy of love based on their size.

seven201 · 20/08/2021 09:11

You need to have a proper chat with him. 1 stone six months post partum is totally acceptable. Maybe he is trying to motivate, but this is not the way to do it! Wanker.

Phobiaphobic · 20/08/2021 09:13

Do not marry him! This is a huge red flag. Huge. Any man prepared to say something so blatantly hurtful in front of other people is borderline abusive.

Jamdown123 · 20/08/2021 09:14

Some people don't ever get married, but have excellent relationships, some take ages to get down the aisle, others marry and it's not right, it's posturing, or forced or whatever. So, I think the 9 years with 2 kids could mean nothing (it might mean something, just it could mean nothing).

The comment does mean he does not think you are whop he wants to marry yet, you are not quite right, you are not quite good enough. And that would be very painful for me to hear after 9 years and 1 kids. You have demonstrated who you are, if he is questioning this because of your weight you likely do need to consider your options. If you were my best friend or my sister I would be frank with you and tell you that I do not think marriage should be on your list of options UNLESS he changed drastically. People can. But marrying the person he is now? I don't think that would be good for you or your children. The attitude he holds towards you is demeaning. You need someone who is more on your side. Life only gets trickier as it goes on, you know?!

ButteringMyArse · 20/08/2021 09:18

Dangling a proposal over your head to try and control your actions is always, always a bad sign. We've had so many threads like this over the years. They wanted to propose but you ruined it, they'll propose when you've done X... it never happens. There's always something.

judgejudyrocks · 20/08/2021 09:19

Wow, what a terrible thing to say! I'm about 2 stone overweight, as is my DH. We sometimes say "we must walk more and get fitter". We never mention each other's weight, in fact, the other day when I said I had a fat belly, he said "no you don't" (but we both know I do!)

Your OH sees himself as the prize to be won, doesn't he? Does he have any other narcissistic tendencies?

As you don't have the financial protection of marriage, I hope you haven't compromised yourself financially, for eg. by moving to a part time role, to work around the children, whilst he carries on working full time?

BrilloPaddy · 20/08/2021 09:19

Seriously, that's one of the most horrible things that your so called life partner can say to you. Marriage is far less of a commitment than having kids - yet he's happy to go down that road.

I'd walk away after that. With my head held high.

judgejudyrocks · 20/08/2021 09:20

Just to add, I think the next time he says that, I would reply with :

"What on earth makes you think that I want to marry you?"

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/08/2021 09:22

THis one is not a keeper.
If your "prize" for losing weight is to be married to him, then it's a booby prize.

Say you do - say you get engaged, get married - then you get pregnant. You get bigger. You fail to lose the babyweight - then what? Does he divorce you because you got big again?
Say you get ill and need steroids, which tend to make people fatter - does he divorce you because you got big again?
Say you just can't exercise as much as you'd like, and you get big again - does he divorce you because of this?

IN other words, do you WANT to spend your whole life weightwatching just to keep this shallow man in your life?

JaneKing75 · 20/08/2021 09:22

Do not marry him, they never change these men.

WimpoleHat · 20/08/2021 09:22

He’s awful. I must admit - I usually read these “I’ve put on weight and my DH doesn’t fancy me anymore” with some sympathy for the DH; you can’t help who you find attractive and you may not find someone sexy at a size vastly bigger than the one they were when you met them. BUT - this is completely different. You’ve had a baby and have a modest amount of weight to lose….and he’s deliberately humiliated you in front of your friend. Do not make any sacrifices for this man. He’s not on your team….

Katjolo · 20/08/2021 09:22

Horrible thing to say. He needs a stern talking to.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/08/2021 09:23

And I've just seen you've already had children with him - so you've already got that step out the way - but he still won't marry you because you need to lose weight - prince, isn't he.
Ugh.

Maskless · 20/08/2021 09:23

one stone???

ONE stone???

That's nothing!

I've known women who are five stone, ten stone overweight, who have happy marriages and loving husbands. My friend who is a dressmaker has made wedding dresses in sizes 20-22-24.

There's more wrong with him than just being unpleasant about your body.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 20/08/2021 09:24

Supposing you lose the weight to please his lordship - what next? If your weight varies - and it's very possible - then what else will he not do until/unless you lose it? Why does he get to set the rules?

Having married a man to whom weight was (too) important I spent quite a few miserable years feeling guilty when I ate, hiding crisp packets, being asked if I really wanted dessert when eating out (which we did only rarely) - it actually made my problem worse. Will he be like this with his children when they get older?

I couldn't marry someone who actually gave me this ultimatum and who compounded it by doing it in front of a friend. Your friend can probably see him for what he is.

Booboo24 · 20/08/2021 09:25

I think context is everything here, if he's respectful in every other way then although he was wrong to say this to your friend, he was being honest (if a little harsh). I know it feels like a kick in the teeth but it doesn't have anything to do with his love for you, even though that's not a popular opinion on here. Maybe he's worried that once you're married you won't have any incentive to work at it? I have been in a similar position so I am speaking from experience here, as much as I love him, the attractiveness just wouldn't be the same if he carried on piling weight on, although I expect to be hung drawn and quartered for that on here. I too worry about the health side of it, and that absolutely is my business because it clearly would affect myself and the children if he became unwell because of it, or worse

Rainbowqueeen · 20/08/2021 09:25

That’s really hurtful. I’m so sorry

I’d talk to him about how that made you feel and see what he says. But I’d also develop an exit plan. I’d find it really hard to move on from that

ShingleBeach · 20/08/2021 09:26

I think you need to have a serious talk with him, about his attitude, about how he makes you feel, and about what is best for the whole of your relationship.

Have you given up an independent income, pension contributions etc to be a SAHM? I wouldn’t be making myself financially vulnerable to someone like this, as you are if he is now the main wage earner, nor would I happily marry someone who thinks comments like that are OK.

Have a calm and direct discussion. Listen carefully to his response. Will he apologise? Show you any level of respect?

How is your self esteem? Not sure how the comment ‘went over your head’ the first time he said it, to be honest.

echt · 20/08/2021 09:27

Hard to believe posts are being deleted that refer to those with imaginary friends that legitimate their misogynistic views, when those that say the OP's OH a dick/arsewipe, i.e name calling aren't. Hmm

Disclaimer: I'm not being critical of those labels, they seem eminently apposite, just pondering MN's in consistency.

ButteringMyArse · 20/08/2021 09:27

@Booboo24

I think context is everything here, if he's respectful in every other way then although he was wrong to say this to your friend, he was being honest (if a little harsh). I know it feels like a kick in the teeth but it doesn't have anything to do with his love for you, even though that's not a popular opinion on here. Maybe he's worried that once you're married you won't have any incentive to work at it? I have been in a similar position so I am speaking from experience here, as much as I love him, the attractiveness just wouldn't be the same if he carried on piling weight on, although I expect to be hung drawn and quartered for that on here. I too worry about the health side of it, and that absolutely is my business because it clearly would affect myself and the children if he became unwell because of it, or worse
There is no context in which his behaviour is acceptable, so not really.
Fizzbangwallop · 20/08/2021 09:27

Why would you want to marry such a horrible person? Tell him that what he said has made you realise that the relationship is over because he’s cruel and he humiliated you in front of your friend. He’s emotionally abusive and you need to leave him.

Start planning how soon you can to get back to work and move out.

JedEye · 20/08/2021 09:27

Do you even want to marry this man? Does he generally speak to you in this way? Does he see himself as the prize.

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