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Original poster

DP said my DD was racist

202 replies

salllysue · 13/08/2021 19:40

Firstly, I just want to say that I apologise in advance if I use the wrong terminology in this post. I really don't want to upset anyone.

A bit of background -

DD is 14 and autistic. She's high functioning but has sensory and some social issues, and is extremely literal.

DP - I've been with him 4 years. We don't live together. He is quite opinionated and struggles if someone has a different opinion to him. I wouldn't say argumentative as such, but it can get a bit touchy. He gets on well with my DD.

My DD plays for a football team. Recently they have had 3 new girls join. We picked her up from training tonight and on the way back DP asked her how it was. She said it was ok and then said that all the new players are black and that they didn't have any beforehand. She didn't say anything further.

Now I know my DD, she wasn't being racist in the slightest (not all of her friends are white), she was just being her literal self and stating what she saw. DP was quiet on the way home.

We got back, DD went for a shower and DP turned round to me and said that it's awful that she could say something racist like that.

Long story short, he got extremely angry with me and said that I can't let her autism be an excuse for her to be racist. He would simply not listen to me saying that she wasn't, she was just saying her thoughts out loud.

After a few more words from DP about how she has been racist and I need to speak to her etc, he stomped off to the shop and has been off with me since being back.

I feel so upset that he has accused DD of this. I'd like to know other peoples take on it.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 13/08/2021 19:41

She was making an observation not being racist FFS. He needs to get a grip.

SisterMonicaJoansHabit · 13/08/2021 19:42

I'd assume it was a statement.

But having said that, I get very anxious about offending people, I'm autistic, and I panic if one of my kids mentions someone else's skin tone.

I don't think there was a problem with what she said. But maybe your DP gets as anxious about it as I do.

ancientgran · 13/08/2021 19:42

She was stating a fact, why would that be racist. My kids are mixed race, am I racist for saying that. He's being a bit of an idiot.

Kanaloa · 13/08/2021 19:43

How does he manage at work if he struggles so much with anyone disagreeing with him? Must be very difficult.

Anyway he gets extremely angry if you disagree with him, stomps away then gives you the silent treatment. Hope he has some redeeming features because it doesn’t sound like it.

Pebbledashery · 13/08/2021 19:44

She's absolutely definitely not racist. But, I think you probably need to have a conversation with her with regards to phraseology. Saying someone is black is not offensive in the slightest, I say that as an ethic minority myself.. However, to comment on it as if it makes a difference to the team is probably going to cause her issues in the future.. Perhaps just explain to her that she does not need to be so literal and she could've perhaps just said there were 3 additional players in the team.. She didn't have to announce there "weren't there before" as it seems like it made a difference to her evening. She's definitely not being racist, she just needs to work on phraseology.

WeAreTheHeroes · 13/08/2021 19:44

Well he's wrong - she simply stated facts and gave no opinion or other comment.

Hercisback · 13/08/2021 19:45

She stayed a fact. Describing people as black is legal and acceptable.

If she said they're black and therefore rubbish at football, that would be different.

Pebbledashery · 13/08/2021 19:45

Oh and your DH needs to calm down. Massively.

RantyAunty · 13/08/2021 19:47

He's wrong.
They were new. She stated it. Nothing derogatory.
If he's the type that has to be right, just change the subject.

LemonViolet · 13/08/2021 19:50

It’s not racist to notice someone’s skin colour. It can be racist to comment upon someone’s skin colour when it is not relevant to the conversation otherwise. I do think it’s a conversation to have with your daughter to help her understand a bit because it does sound like it could be easy for her being her literal self saying what she saw could easily be offensive in some situations, and as she becomes an adult that will not be easy to tolerate especially if she ‘passes’ well in general and people don’t realise she is autistic. However I also think your DP needs to dial down the drama llama and understand the nuances at play here.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 13/08/2021 19:51

Unless she made the comment on a derogatory way, it's not racist.

wewereliars · 13/08/2021 19:52

Calling a black person black is not racist. It's a statement of fact.

SnatchCassidy · 13/08/2021 19:57

Agreed sounds more an observation, but in reverse would anyone comment that the new players were all white?

Original poster
salllysue · 13/08/2021 19:57

I feel a little better reading these replies. DP asked her the other day what her new coach was like (meaning friendly, strict...) and her reply was 'he's tall'. So he does know how her brain works, he's just lost his sh*t over this.

OP posts:
cheeseismydownfall · 13/08/2021 19:58

Hmmm. Your DD is 14, not 4. Fast-forward a few years - it would not be acceptable for your DD to casually observe that the three new members of her team at work "were all black" unless it was specifically relevant to the conversation. It might be stating a fact, but it isn't appropriate.

It doesn't sound like your DP is expressing himself well, but I do think he is right to flag up that, for her own sake, your DD needs to understand that you cannot make comments about people in this way.

childcarevouchersargh · 13/08/2021 19:59

@Pebbledashery

She's absolutely definitely not racist. But, I think you probably need to have a conversation with her with regards to phraseology. Saying someone is black is not offensive in the slightest, I say that as an ethic minority myself.. However, to comment on it as if it makes a difference to the team is probably going to cause her issues in the future.. Perhaps just explain to her that she does not need to be so literal and she could've perhaps just said there were 3 additional players in the team.. She didn't have to announce there "weren't there before" as it seems like it made a difference to her evening. She's definitely not being racist, she just needs to work on phraseology.
She didn't say it made a difference to the team though. She just said that they didn't have any black players before.
greenlynx · 13/08/2021 20:00

I don’t think that she was racist, her comment was more along the line that they’ve all got something in common and it’s a new characteristic. I suppose she was just making an observation.

Your DP is hard work.

childcarevouchersargh · 13/08/2021 20:00

@SnatchCassidy

Agreed sounds more an observation, but in reverse would anyone comment that the new players were all white?
Maybe, if the team prior to that had all black players?
OnlyMsLonely · 13/08/2021 20:01

@cheeseismydownfall

Hmmm. Your DD is 14, not 4. Fast-forward a few years - it would not be acceptable for your DD to casually observe that the three new members of her team at work "were all black" unless it was specifically relevant to the conversation. It might be stating a fact, but it isn't appropriate.

It doesn't sound like your DP is expressing himself well, but I do think he is right to flag up that, for her own sake, your DD needs to understand that you cannot make comments about people in this way.

I agree with what @wewereliars said - she was stating a fact and her age is irrelevant.
Original poster
salllysue · 13/08/2021 20:02

@greenlynx That's what I tried saying to DP - if the 3 new players all had bright blonde hair then DD would have stated that too. She literally says what she sees.

OP posts:
greenlynx · 13/08/2021 20:03

Agreed sounds more an observation, but in reverse would anyone comment that the new players were all white?
I actually think yes, if the old players were all black.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 13/08/2021 20:04

Sounds like he's projecting. I'm also autistic and noticed when a younger family member (likely autistic but not diagnosed) made an innocent observation and a parent jumped on the factual statement and reacted angrily as if it was a judgment statement (in this case about food so nothing contentious). His reaction seems to be in relation to his perception and not what was actually said.

I don't personally think it's a racist statement. Depends if it was said in such a way that the implication was that it was a bad thing. But on the face of it, I don't think it's a problem.

What's the alternative? Teach her never to mention certain characteristics about people?

cheeseismydownfall · 13/08/2021 20:06

I'll say it again - yes, she was stating a fact, and no, I'm sure she wasn't in any way implying that she had an issue with it.

BUT it is also a fact that a lot of people will react to a comment like this in the same way as your DP and so it is essential that the OP takes this as a learning opportunity for her DD.

KylieKoKo · 13/08/2021 20:08

Racism is something black people experience rather than something white people necessarily consciously do. It's actually quite annoying for black people that their race is a feature to notice and white people are seen as the default human beings. I'm not saying that your daughter was malicious but that doesn't mean that her comments are not racist on some level.

Hercisback · 13/08/2021 20:13

@KylieKoKo Racism isn't reserved solely for black people.

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