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Original poster

DP said my DD was racist

202 replies

salllysue · 13/08/2021 19:40

Firstly, I just want to say that I apologise in advance if I use the wrong terminology in this post. I really don't want to upset anyone.

A bit of background -

DD is 14 and autistic. She's high functioning but has sensory and some social issues, and is extremely literal.

DP - I've been with him 4 years. We don't live together. He is quite opinionated and struggles if someone has a different opinion to him. I wouldn't say argumentative as such, but it can get a bit touchy. He gets on well with my DD.

My DD plays for a football team. Recently they have had 3 new girls join. We picked her up from training tonight and on the way back DP asked her how it was. She said it was ok and then said that all the new players are black and that they didn't have any beforehand. She didn't say anything further.

Now I know my DD, she wasn't being racist in the slightest (not all of her friends are white), she was just being her literal self and stating what she saw. DP was quiet on the way home.

We got back, DD went for a shower and DP turned round to me and said that it's awful that she could say something racist like that.

Long story short, he got extremely angry with me and said that I can't let her autism be an excuse for her to be racist. He would simply not listen to me saying that she wasn't, she was just saying her thoughts out loud.

After a few more words from DP about how she has been racist and I need to speak to her etc, he stomped off to the shop and has been off with me since being back.

I feel so upset that he has accused DD of this. I'd like to know other peoples take on it.

OP posts:
isadoradancing123 · 13/08/2021 20:14

She was stating a fact. Why do some people always look for racism

KylieKoKo · 13/08/2021 20:15

Of courses not @Hercisback in this instance the people in question were black ....

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 13/08/2021 20:19

I'd be more concerned about your partner jumping on something she said and trying to find fault with it like that. Not very supportive is it? Being very literal and sometimes misunderstanding social rules is a feature of autism and saying she can't use her autism "as an excuse" could be seen as discrimination by him, if he is going to be so hot on not discriminating against vulnerable minorities.

cheeseismydownfall · 13/08/2021 20:19

@KylieKoKo

Racism is something black people experience rather than something white people necessarily consciously do. It's actually quite annoying for black people that their race is a feature to notice and white people are seen as the default human beings. I'm not saying that your daughter was malicious but that doesn't mean that her comments are not racist on some level.
I agree with this 100%. Your DD may have been speaking innocently but in doing so she was calling out a point of difference in a way that has the potential to be offensive. The fact that she has autism makes it even more important that she is taught this explicitly.

As an adult she needs to absolutely understand that she cannot refer to a colleague as "the black girl", and would actually be at risk of disciplinary action.

user16395699 · 13/08/2021 20:20

[quote salllysue]@greenlynx That's what I tried saying to DP - if the 3 new players all had bright blonde hair then DD would have stated that too. She literally says what she sees. [/quote]
Hmm, but she can learn the social rules about which observations it is acceptable to make, can't she? Don't comment on weight, don't comment on skin tone... They're just rules to learn like any other. We all learn to follow rules whether they make sense to us or not - look before crossing the road vs don't wear any trace of white at a wedding.

Ionlydomassiveones · 13/08/2021 20:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

greenlynx · 13/08/2021 20:29

Of course she needs to learn about choice of words so DP could say something to OP one to one “ You know, love, her comment was not very appropriate, I know she didn’t meant anything bad but maybe it’s worth to have a chat with her about that?” Or something similar…And that would be the right approach , not the one he’s chosen.

billy1966 · 13/08/2021 20:30

He sounds like hard work and very bloodybquick to come down on your daughter.

Soundsvlike a statement of fact.

Have a good hard look at HIM and his reactions.

I wouldn't want his criticism around my child.

Is he living with you?

If he is.

Your poor child.

daytriptovulcan · 13/08/2021 20:33

You say your DD meant no harm, in what she said...as a parent you take that at face value don't you? And you are right.
Your DP sounds like hard work, and a lot of dead weight.

proudwomansexmatters · 13/08/2021 20:34

@KylieKoKo

Racism is something black people experience rather than something white people necessarily consciously do. It's actually quite annoying for black people that their race is a feature to notice and white people are seen as the default human beings. I'm not saying that your daughter was malicious but that doesn't mean that her comments are not racist on some level.
When I was in India , lots of comments were made about my white skin. And my whiteness in general.

Should I have assumed that they were all racist? Or doesn't it apply to me because I'm white?

Fwiw I didn't think any of it was experienced racism. I literally was the only white person there. It's not offensive to say what you see!

wewereliars · 13/08/2021 20:34

To say that calling a black person black is racist is actually a form of racism initself if you want to be dogmatic about it.

Because it contains an implied assumption that being black is a negative and if that's not racist I don't know what is.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/08/2021 20:36

Her comment wasn’t racist. People have no clue what racism even is judging by some of these comments and your DP.

MsPavlichenko · 13/08/2021 20:36

Your daughter doesn’t sound like a racist. Your partner does sound like an argumentative arsehole.

KylieKoKo · 13/08/2021 20:39

@proudwomansexmatters I can't comment on your experience but if you are genuinely interested in learning I suggest you look up systematic oppression and how it can affect every aspect of people of colours life. It's not just comments.

HelpingJane · 13/08/2021 20:43

I think your DP's reaction was over the top.

I don't think your DD's comment was racist, but it could be said to be othering and cause offence it said in other environments.

If my DD joined your team and yours said something about having a black child join, mine would feel uncomfortable and different.

Hekatestorch · 13/08/2021 20:44

I don't feel it is racist. I am mixed race.

If 3 new players joined an all white team and it was observed, I don't think it's always a bad thing. Its good the team is now attracting players from other cultures and races.

Of course it would be great if it wasn't noted, but that's not realistic. But what the dd said could be perceived as 'it's good that we now have a more diverse team' as much as it could be perceived as something negative. She noted that the players had l been white before. She could have been thinking it was a good thing as so pointed it out.

I noted when more children different racial backgrounds joined our rugby team. We all so had lots if interest from girls. It was a great thing for us.

Your partners response to label her a 'racist' on the back of one factual comment and the anger seems really off to me. I think that's, by far the biggest concern.

You can of course explain to dd that now everyone liked their skin colour to be pointed out. But I don't think that's the big issue here.

Orf1abc · 13/08/2021 20:51

I can see both sides of this. The intent behind your daughter's comment was not racist, but in a different scenario it has the potential to be perceived as such.

Your partner's reaction was disproportionate.

You could have a conversation with your daughter about when it is appropriate to keep some observations in your head. That might come naturally with age, or it might be that she wouldn't dream of saying it outside her family environment now. I'm autistic, there are many things I say in my safe home environment that I know never to say in public!

proudwomansexmatters · 13/08/2021 20:51

[quote KylieKoKo]@proudwomansexmatters I can't comment on your experience but if you are genuinely interested in learning I suggest you look up systematic oppression and how it can affect every aspect of people of colours life. It's not just comments.[/quote]
Thanks for that very condescending comment. I don't need to be "educated" about how I should be thinking.

I smile when I hear people mentioning oppression. It's flung around like a lot of other wokeish nonsense. Those who yap on about it have no clue as to how the majority switch off because those moaning about it preach to those who they think have no idea.

By all means, if you want to believe that black people are the only ones who experience racism- you crack on. That's up to you. I strongly disagree and find it borderline offensive how quickly people like to shout racism for the smallest points.

Racism is about inciting hatred. Weakening its meaning is what causes further problems. It is not racist to observe the colour of a persons skin.

KylieKoKo · 13/08/2021 21:00

@proudwomansexmatters I never said that black people are the only people that experience racism.

It's also quite ironic that you've called me condescending and then went on to explain to me what racism is.

The idea that someone has to be literally inciting hated before they are racist is offensive to me. Imagine a man telling you that he had to be inciting hatred towards women before you call out his sexism!

godmum56 · 13/08/2021 21:06

@wewereliars

To say that calling a black person black is racist is actually a form of racism initself if you want to be dogmatic about it.

Because it contains an implied assumption that being black is a negative and if that's not racist I don't know what is.

yup.
Kanaloa · 13/08/2021 21:07

Presumably she does know when it’s appropriate to say something like this though? I doubt in the football practice she pointed at them and said ‘three BLACK girls.’ She was asked by her family about the new students, mentioned that they were all black when previously the team had no black players and passed no judgement on that. It was something they had in common with each other and it stood out as previously the team had had no black players.

godmum56 · 13/08/2021 21:13

@Kanaloa

Presumably she does know when it’s appropriate to say something like this though? I doubt in the football practice she pointed at them and said ‘three BLACK girls.’ She was asked by her family about the new students, mentioned that they were all black when previously the team had no black players and passed no judgement on that. It was something they had in common with each other and it stood out as previously the team had had no black players.
she might also have been pleased to see more diversity in the team
LoislovesStewie · 13/08/2021 21:14

Mother of an autistic boy here; she was being factually correct and thought nothing more of it than that. She might have said; 'they are all tall' or 'they all have acne', or anything else that physically distinguished them. Mine used to do this, but now he has learned to think more before he talks.

Mandalay246 · 13/08/2021 21:25

Agreed sounds more an observation, but in reverse would anyone comment that the new players were all white?

They probably would if the rest of the team were black and always had been.

Your DP is a dick OP, and your daughter is not a racist.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 13/08/2021 21:25

So this is an issue with deciding what information to present when answering questions. So when your dp asks what her coach is ´like’ and she’s answered that he’s ´tall’ - it’s the wrong answer because he doesn’t want to know what the coach looks like, he wants to know about his coaching. So you could teach your dd that describing someone by their skin colour is the wrong answer is most situations - usually it’s not relevant. In fact most comments about what someone looks like fall into this category. Skin colour and ethnic background IS relevant information in a conversation about diversity or race relations, but could be misinterpreted outside of those topics. This shouldn’t be a conversation about how what she said is (or could be seen as) racist. She won’t be receptive to that because there was no racist intent. It should be a conversation about learning to ´read between the lines’ when people ask ambiguous or unclear questions. Why are they asking that question? What do they probably want to know?