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Original poster

DP said my DD was racist

202 replies

salllysue · 13/08/2021 19:40

Firstly, I just want to say that I apologise in advance if I use the wrong terminology in this post. I really don't want to upset anyone.

A bit of background -

DD is 14 and autistic. She's high functioning but has sensory and some social issues, and is extremely literal.

DP - I've been with him 4 years. We don't live together. He is quite opinionated and struggles if someone has a different opinion to him. I wouldn't say argumentative as such, but it can get a bit touchy. He gets on well with my DD.

My DD plays for a football team. Recently they have had 3 new girls join. We picked her up from training tonight and on the way back DP asked her how it was. She said it was ok and then said that all the new players are black and that they didn't have any beforehand. She didn't say anything further.

Now I know my DD, she wasn't being racist in the slightest (not all of her friends are white), she was just being her literal self and stating what she saw. DP was quiet on the way home.

We got back, DD went for a shower and DP turned round to me and said that it's awful that she could say something racist like that.

Long story short, he got extremely angry with me and said that I can't let her autism be an excuse for her to be racist. He would simply not listen to me saying that she wasn't, she was just saying her thoughts out loud.

After a few more words from DP about how she has been racist and I need to speak to her etc, he stomped off to the shop and has been off with me since being back.

I feel so upset that he has accused DD of this. I'd like to know other peoples take on it.

OP posts:
me4real · 14/08/2021 12:04

‘our previously all white team has welcomed 3 black women’

@HeronLanyon That sounds a bit insincere and over the top to me, but if someone is making it clear that they think it's a good thing then it's not the same of course.

HeronLanyon · 14/08/2021 12:14

meforreal I agree - it has a marketing vibe to it !

Oceanbliss · 14/08/2021 12:22

Pinkbonbon

Ffs. I would have just replied to her 'that's great that the team is becoming more inclusive'.

Rather than spouting out some shit about racism.

Your partner is nuts. And a bully. Sack the git off.

@Pinkbonbon Well saidSmile

londonscalling · 14/08/2021 12:26

There is no reason to mention skin colour in conversations!

Sakurami · 14/08/2021 12:40

'Our previously white team has welcomed 3 black women'

Unless there were any issues then why is that anything of note?

Thinking about my kids sports groups, it is majority white because I live in a majority white population, not because any race is being excluded.

12 years ago, I was one of the only non brit that lived where I am now. Now, there are lots of people from.other countries but mostly white too.

There is absolutely no need to say that 3 Polish children have joined the swimming club, or 2 Indian children or 2 black children. I help run a local kids sports club and can't think of any time or reason to even consider it.

ImprobablePuffin · 14/08/2021 12:53

Perhaps just explain to her that she does not need to be so literal

All this time struggling with my autistic kids speech and all along I just needed to tell them not to be so autistic. Who knew. Ffs

PumpkinKlNG · 14/08/2021 13:14

I don’t think it’s racist. I’m mixed race and my children’s dad is black, my children have asked why all the teachers at their school are white so yes people do ask when it’s the other way?

Onelifeonly · 14/08/2021 13:41

With schools, I think it's fine to consider the racial mix of staff if the children are also racially mixed. I work in a multi ethnic school where staff are also from varied ethnic backgrounds. Children from minority groups need to have role models to inspire and encourage them BECAUSE racism is a real thing for them. So to me that's one way of attempting to counter racism and open up equal opportunities for all.

But to comment on someone's ethnicity when it is not relevant is very different as it implies something which might offend. So just saying certain members of a team are black is not the same as being open to having a good mix of ethnic groups on a staff team.

Re ASD children not understanding - that's no reason not to try to educate them. They will grow up and live in society along with everyone else. Being understanding of their viewpoint is good, but just assuming they can't help themselves isn't.

The OPs DP raised this issue in a completely inappropriate way, but if it was my 14 to dd I'd be supporting her to understand the issue so she avoids this kind of statement in future.

PumpkinKlNG · 14/08/2021 13:46

My kids have also asked why the tv show they watch only has white people on, people say that they wouldn’t mention race if it was about white people but that isn’t true, it’s not racist to notice something

ancientgran · 14/08/2021 13:54

@Onelifeonly

With schools, I think it's fine to consider the racial mix of staff if the children are also racially mixed. I work in a multi ethnic school where staff are also from varied ethnic backgrounds. Children from minority groups need to have role models to inspire and encourage them BECAUSE racism is a real thing for them. So to me that's one way of attempting to counter racism and open up equal opportunities for all.

But to comment on someone's ethnicity when it is not relevant is very different as it implies something which might offend. So just saying certain members of a team are black is not the same as being open to having a good mix of ethnic groups on a staff team.

Re ASD children not understanding - that's no reason not to try to educate them. They will grow up and live in society along with everyone else. Being understanding of their viewpoint is good, but just assuming they can't help themselves isn't.

The OPs DP raised this issue in a completely inappropriate way, but if it was my 14 to dd I'd be supporting her to understand the issue so she avoids this kind of statement in future.

It was relevant as it was something new, something different. If a white child joins a white team that isn't relevant, if any child joins a mixed team it isn't relevant, if a black child joins an all white team or a white child joins an all black team then it is something of note and yes it is relevant. It isn't something you have to mention but it isn't something you can't mention.

My GSs football team decide to let a girl play, GS came out and said, "X has joined the team, she's a girl." What's the difference? Or is he sexist?

HelpingJane · 14/08/2021 14:12

"X has joined the team, she's a girl." Fine.

"X has joined the team, she's a Black girl."
Not so fine.

ancientgran · 14/08/2021 14:27

If the girl had been black he wouldn't have commented on her colour as the team had other black players. The novelty was she was a girl.

LemonViolet · 14/08/2021 14:30

I think the point here is that the new players’ race shouldn’t be seen as a ‘novelty’ that requires comment. Not equivalent to a girl joining an all-boys team!

HelpingJane · 14/08/2021 14:32

Me and my children aren't novelties fgs.

I'm sick of this thread now, it's exhausting.

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 14:34

@HelpingJane

"X has joined the team, she's a girl." Fine.

"X has joined the team, she's a Black girl."
Not so fine.

do you believe this Child is racist ?

Comedycook · 14/08/2021 14:43

@HelpingJane

Me and my children aren't novelties fgs.

I'm sick of this thread now, it's exhausting.

This thread is frustrating. Fed up of hearing posters say that stating facts is not racist. Ok so if I walk down the street and point at someone and say oh look, a black person, that's fine is it? Afteral I'm just stating a fact. Come on!
HelpingJane · 14/08/2021 14:43

do you believe this Child is racist ?

I only care about how these types of comments make me and my children feel. Should people be able to make hurtful comments as long as they don't quite make the threshold of being declared racist? Set your bar a little higher.

Children should be educated by adults who hopefully know better.

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 14:44

@Comedycook

do you believe this Child is racist ?

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 14:45

@HelpingJane

do you believe this Child is racist ?

I only care about how these types of comments make me and my children feel. Should people be able to make hurtful comments as long as they don't quite make the threshold of being declared racist? Set your bar a little higher.

Children should be educated by adults who hopefully know better.

is this a Yes or No ?

Comedycook · 14/08/2021 14:50

I cannot comment on whether a person I've never met before is racist or not. What I am saying is that referencing race when it's not relevant is inappropriate and declaring it as 'just a fact' is not a get out clause

HelpingJane · 14/08/2021 14:55

is this a Yes or No ?

How would I know of some hypothetical child was racist or not? Have you got a point or..?

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 15:15

@HelpingJane

"X has joined the team, she's a girl." Fine.

"X has joined the team, she's a Black girl."
Not so fine.

I'm asking because you said this ..

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 15:17

it's not a hypothetical child..

it's OP trying to understand why her partner reacted the way he did in calling OP's child racist..

so I was trying to establish of you thought she was or wasn't ..

I understand that its hard to judge without seeing first hand what happened too though ..

HelpingJane · 14/08/2021 15:24

That comment wasn't from OP.

But children say all sorts of offensive things because they 'say what they see', doesn't mean they shouldn't be corrected. It's called parenting.

I said in my very first post I didn't think OP's child was racist, doesn't mean her comments couldn't cause upset if said outside of her home.

Onelifeonly · 14/08/2021 15:40

In schools we have to report racist incidents to the governors (quantity rather than details). If a child says something inadvertently that others construe as racist, we explain this to them and record the event. It doesn't mean we think they are racist, it's just part of educating them not to be.