DP said my DD was racist

[salllysue]

Firstly, I just want to say that I apologise in advance if I use the wrong terminology in this post. I really don't want to upset anyone.

A bit of background -

DD is 14 and autistic. She's high functioning but has sensory and some social issues, and is extremely literal.

DP - I've been with him 4 years. We don't live together. He is quite opinionated and struggles if someone has a different opinion to him. I wouldn't say argumentative as such, but it can get a bit touchy. He gets on well with my DD.

My DD plays for a football team. Recently they have had 3 new girls join. We picked her up from training tonight and on the way back DP asked her how it was. She said it was ok and then said that all the new players are black and that they didn't have any beforehand. She didn't say anything further.

Now I know my DD, she wasn't being racist in the slightest (not all of her friends are white), she was just being her literal self and stating what she saw. DP was quiet on the way home.

We got back, DD went for a shower and DP turned round to me and said that it's awful that she could say something racist like that.

Long story short, he got extremely angry with me and said that I can't let her autism be an excuse for her to be racist. He would simply not listen to me saying that she wasn't, she was just saying her thoughts out loud.

After a few more words from DP about how she has been racist and I need to speak to her etc, he stomped off to the shop and has been off with me since being back.

I feel so upset that he has accused DD of this. I'd like to know other peoples take on it.

I have this conversation with my DH a lot. He is convinced that noticing or referring to someone's skin tone if they are non white is racist. To me being so panicky about mentioning something that reveals that you have noticed someone is non- white actually is more racist, because it implies that white is the standard and I "don't notice" deviation from it.

For example, if a visitor arrived at work and needed to speak to Janice, it would be acceptable to say "the red headed lady who sits near the water cooler" but DH would try to avoid saying "she's the black lady who sits near the water cooler". Even if Janice is the only black person in the room he would try to use other descriptors "desk nearest the water cooler, she has a blue jacket on". To me that's a bit precious. There's nothing derogatory in stating that Janice is black. It's a neutral fact. If on the other hand Janice cut me up while driving and I said to my DH that I had nearly had an accident caused by a black driver then that would be racist because Janice's skin tone is irrelevant to the situation. Any driver of any skin tone might cut me up. On the other hand, let's say that I do have an accident as a result of Janice's actions, it's stupid to tell the police that the driver was in a red BMW and wearing a blue jacket and not mention that it was a black lady.

That's the way I see it. Pretending you don't notice what colour some one is to me is in itself a teeny bit racist, because it reveals you are deeply uncomfortable with people of colour.

No wonder people talk obsessively about the weather.