Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mum is dying, not sure what I should do

203 replies

beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 11:15

I've been LC with my mum for more than a decade. We never had a good relationship, but I haven't cut her out completely because I do get on okay with the rest of the family and they get on okay with her. She has been very ill for a while with cancer that's no longer treatable, and she's now expected to live only a couple more months.

I don't know whether I should go and see her before she dies. To be clear, she hasn't said she wants me to visit. She has apparently been talking a lot about how important it is to her to know she's been a good mother, and I doubt if she'd want to take the risk of seeing me in case I don't go along with this. She wasn't a good mother to me. She was cold and unloving, a liar, manipulative, and I would go so far as to say, abusive. She did, however, have some good points, and there were times she helped me out as an adult (because my life was a mess, go figure). I don't think she's a bad person as such, but she was a bad mother, and she caused me a huge amount of trauma, pain and unhappiness in childhood and throughout my life. It wasn't until I went very LC with her that I started to gain some confidence and achieve some things in life.

I don't have any ill will towards her, but I don't know if it's right to visit her. A part of me still hopes deep down that she would want to see me and say sorry and tell me she loves me. But this is not what's going to happen. If I see her, it would have to be on her terms, which means going along with the story about her being such a wonderful mum. Maybe that's something I should do, out of compassion? There are things I would like to tell her, but the truth is that she wouldn't be able to 'hear' them anyway. I'm scared that I'll regret not saying goodbye in person. But on the other hand, I'm scared that it will make everything worse. Is it better to just stay away?

OP posts:
sandgrown · 13/08/2021 11:41

It’s a hard decision. If you don’t go you might regret it and you can never go back but on the other hand it might be uncomfortable. There were questions I regretted not asking my mum before she died . I thought other family would know the answers and they didn’t. Maybe you should bite the bullet and ask . Good luck x

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 11:49

Thank you, sandgrown I'd be fooling myself if I thought she'd answer any questions. I'm sorry you have regrets x

OP posts:
MakemeaCake · 13/08/2021 11:49

It's your decision .
Do you have siblings who can help you decide?

All I'd say is that when someone is about to die, I think that we ought to be compassionate and try to forgive their shortcomings. None of us is perfect and maybe your Mum had her own demons to contend with that made her a poor parent in your eyes.

Are you worried that when you see her she will insist she was a good mother and expect you to agree with her?

Maybe she won't do any of that. Maybe she just wants to say goodbye. I also doubt she thinks she was a good mother. Maybe what she wants is to be able to ask forgiveness or simply give you a hug and let bygones be bygones, while there is time.

SpringheelJack · 13/08/2021 11:49

If there's anything you want or need from her - don't. You're unlikely to get it and then this last ditch attempt is going to fester forever. If you're willing to smile through the need to say your piece, so that you can feel like you at least said goodbye and....idk...put things to bed somehow, then I can seem why it might be worthwhile.

I don't know how a sentence like "let's not dwell on the past" might go down with your mother, if it's hard to go along with her version of events but she won't acknowledge yours. If she'd accept that line you might get to say goodbye without opening up the can of worms that is her bad mothering and refusal to acknowledge it. But if what you really want is acknowledgment - I wouldn't risk it.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/08/2021 11:52

I would stay away. I'm NC with my mum for about 6yrs and it's something I've thought about a lot. But ultimately I decided for me that a deathbed reconciliation would be utterly meaningless and almost certainly harmful to my mental health. So we will remain NC until one of us dies.

Porcupineintherough · 13/08/2021 11:53

I don't think a deathbed is the place for home truths tbh so yes, if you do go, best it be on her terms. Equally if you need her to know she was a terrible mother, not going says precisely that.

Solongtoshort · 13/08/2021 11:58

I think you should go and say goodbye, living with the regret of not going would be just as hard as living with the memory of the traumatic childhood you had. Maybe it might help release some of your pain as well, you could maybe write a letter and leave it for her rather than speaking about it x

Cyw2018 · 13/08/2021 11:58

Do what is best and right for you (if you can figure that out).

If you are going to see her maybe put all your thoughts down in a letter for her that she can choose to read (or probably not) but it will be you best opportunity to say what is on your mind. Then visit her but just go grey rock anytime the subject goes down a route that you are uncomfortable with.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/08/2021 12:00

Goodness this is really difficult and I'm sorry you are having to face this.

I had a difficult relationship with my mum although we did see eachother regularly. When she became ill (also cancer), I stepped up and cared for her until she passed. I will never regret it and while we never touched on the difficulties we had, we did form a slightly closer bond which left me in peace to be honest with you.

I know that is different to the situation you are describing but what I'm trying to say is for your own peace of mind, I'd use the compassion you clearly have to visit her. If she tries to coerce you into validating her I'd just say "that's not how I remember things mum" and change the subject. I think the worse thing would be regret as you will never be able to go back. However, I appreciate how bloody difficult that is.

I hope you manage to navigate a way through this Thanks

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 12:05

I also doubt she thinks she was a good mother. Maybe what she wants is to be able to ask forgiveness or simply give you a hug and let bygones be bygones, while there is time.

I'd love you to be right, makemeacake but sadly this is not it.

OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 12:05

springheeljack thank you. I think that's probably wise. It's possible I could say something like you suggest, about not dwelling on the past. She won't accept it, though, if she thinks there's any hint of disagreement in there.

OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 12:07

@Porcupineintherough

I don't think a deathbed is the place for home truths tbh so yes, if you do go, best it be on her terms. Equally if you need her to know she was a terrible mother, not going says precisely that.
This is more or less how I'm thinking of it. I either see her on her terms or not at all.
OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 12:08

maybe put all your thoughts down in a letter

I actually did write her a letter last night, but I don't think I'd ever give it to her. It was quite kind, really, but still probably way more than she'd want to ever hear.

OP posts:
CrazyNeighbour · 13/08/2021 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 12:09

Thank you MrsC That was a really kind comment and gives me something to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 12:11

She might retaliate, CrazyNeighbour and it would probably hurt a lot.

I guess I have forgiven her. But I'm not sure if I can be physically present with her and not be in emotional crisis. But thank you for the phrasing - that is really helpful.

OP posts:
Snog · 13/08/2021 12:13

I think you need to put yourself first here.
She almost definitely won't say the things you need her to say...will you be OK with that?

It helps me to have compassion for my mother because I know that her own childhood was abusive. Is it the same for your mother?

One thing I did for my father in his final year was to write down some positive memories and some of his positive attributes and give them to him. It felt genuine because I was acknowledging the good yet not denying the bad, just not focussing on it at that time. You don't have to share this in person unless you want to. My dad was hugely moved and cried. I also have done this with my mother and she treasured it.

I did find it very emotional to try to identify the good things and write them down, just a heads up.

Look after yourself OP, it's very difficult when your parents were not the parents you needed them to be. Thanks

Whilst I have very mixed feelings about both of my parents, doing this is something I feel very positive about.

Sakurami · 13/08/2021 12:14

Hi lovely. There is a difference between a not very good mum who did what she thought was best even if wrong or a toxic/narcissistic mother.

Your mother sounds like the latter. And if so, you don't owe her anything so do what is right for you and not her.

(((())))

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2021 12:17

"We never had a good relationship, but I haven't cut her out completely because I do get on okay with the rest of the family and they get on okay with her".

Do the rest of the family accept your low contact position and have they fully accepted why you and your mother do not speak?. Are they at all putting any pressure on you to visit your mother?. I note that your mother has not asked to see you and a visit to her would have to be on her terms.

What would you want to achieve if you did go and what is the likelihood of that actually happening?. I would base my decision also on those two factors. I also think with your mother that you have tried your whole life.

Candleabra · 13/08/2021 12:18

You must be NC for a reason.
People have very romantic (and incorrect) views about deathbed conversations.... Based on what you've said, at best it will appease your mother - and leave you with an uneasy feeling that you've been manipulated.
At worst, your mother could say things that will really hurt you.
It's nice to think that you could make peace and gain some comfort - but realistically if that was a possibility then you probably wouldn't be NC in the first place....

MrsPsmalls · 13/08/2021 12:20

Did she do the best she could with the hand that was dealt to her? Lots of rubbish mums really are doing the best they can. Could you thank her for that at least? We haven't walked in our mums shoes and we don't really know what they are dealing with.it might not have been good but it might have been all that was possible.

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 12:22

It helps me to have compassion for my mother because I know that her own childhood was abusive. Is it the same for your mother?

I think her childhood was abusive, yes. I do have some compassion for her, because if her childhood experience was anything like mine, it was awful.

That's lovely, what you did for your parents. I'm not sure I'm capable of being so kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 12:25

@Candleabra

You must be NC for a reason. People have very romantic (and incorrect) views about deathbed conversations.... Based on what you've said, at best it will appease your mother - and leave you with an uneasy feeling that you've been manipulated. At worst, your mother could say things that will really hurt you. It's nice to think that you could make peace and gain some comfort - but realistically if that was a possibility then you probably wouldn't be NC in the first place....
This is what my most realistic and rational voice says to me. I spent four decades trying to mend my relationship with my mum, and she didn't want to know.
OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 12:29

I also think with your mother that you have tried your whole life.

Yep, there is that. Four decades before I decided that banging my head against a brick wall was making no difference to the wall but giving me brain damage.

The rest of the family aren't pressuring me, but they are all fully buying into the 'great mum' story, despite the fact that most of them don't see her more than once a year, if that. I get the feeling that the pressure might come, though. My sister is the one who's been telling me about how mum is going on about being a good mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 12:32

@MrsPsmalls

Did she do the best she could with the hand that was dealt to her? Lots of rubbish mums really are doing the best they can. Could you thank her for that at least? We haven't walked in our mums shoes and we don't really know what they are dealing with.it might not have been good but it might have been all that was possible.
When I was eight, she told me directly that she didn't love me. When I tried to talk about this with her twenty years later, she laughed. And when I didn't laugh along, she got angry with me and told me it was much harder for her, that I'd hurt her terribly when I was a child, and then she didn't speak to me for three days. This is just one example of the kind of mothering I'm talking about.

I do believe that this is all that was possible for her. I'm not sure I have it within me to thank her for it, though?

OP posts: