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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mum is dying, not sure what I should do

203 replies

beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 11:15

I've been LC with my mum for more than a decade. We never had a good relationship, but I haven't cut her out completely because I do get on okay with the rest of the family and they get on okay with her. She has been very ill for a while with cancer that's no longer treatable, and she's now expected to live only a couple more months.

I don't know whether I should go and see her before she dies. To be clear, she hasn't said she wants me to visit. She has apparently been talking a lot about how important it is to her to know she's been a good mother, and I doubt if she'd want to take the risk of seeing me in case I don't go along with this. She wasn't a good mother to me. She was cold and unloving, a liar, manipulative, and I would go so far as to say, abusive. She did, however, have some good points, and there were times she helped me out as an adult (because my life was a mess, go figure). I don't think she's a bad person as such, but she was a bad mother, and she caused me a huge amount of trauma, pain and unhappiness in childhood and throughout my life. It wasn't until I went very LC with her that I started to gain some confidence and achieve some things in life.

I don't have any ill will towards her, but I don't know if it's right to visit her. A part of me still hopes deep down that she would want to see me and say sorry and tell me she loves me. But this is not what's going to happen. If I see her, it would have to be on her terms, which means going along with the story about her being such a wonderful mum. Maybe that's something I should do, out of compassion? There are things I would like to tell her, but the truth is that she wouldn't be able to 'hear' them anyway. I'm scared that I'll regret not saying goodbye in person. But on the other hand, I'm scared that it will make everything worse. Is it better to just stay away?

OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 15/08/2021 11:35

People won't get it unless they have been there.

I find that a lot of people are understanding even if they don't really get it. They know that not all mothers are perfect. The people who can't understand, who blame the victim of abuse, I assume have some sort of issue of their own! Thank you, @SundaySheAteChocolate

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 15/08/2021 11:38

That’s really weird @beastlyslumber I was contemplating a similar visit and was racked with anxiety about dying en route. Also felt physically unwell.(I wasn’t) I think it’s the mind dealing with trauma.

It’s also very much grief for what you wish you’d had. Sometimes I’m jealous of people who can just wholeheartedly be sad when a parent dies, even though I know that’s horrible!

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 15/08/2021 11:40

Thank you @ravenmum and @Cyw2018 for giving the options for C). I think the most likely outcome of me visiting would be me being very hurt by something that no one else is even able to recognise as damaging. And it's just one small cut that's the problem; it's re-opening the whole wound. LC/NC is the only thing that's allowed me to start any kind of healing.

OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 15/08/2021 11:42

@layladomino and @Onelifeonly thank you so much for your empathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 15/08/2021 11:45

@WouldBeGood

That’s really weird *@beastlyslumber* I was contemplating a similar visit and was racked with anxiety about dying en route. Also felt physically unwell.(I wasn’t) I think it’s the mind dealing with trauma.

It’s also very much grief for what you wish you’d had. Sometimes I’m jealous of people who can just wholeheartedly be sad when a parent dies, even though I know that’s horrible!

It's so strange, isn't it @WouldBeGood? I didn't expect that but maybe it speaks to the power that such people had over us as children. They were all-powerful then, so the thought of them dying is incomprehensible. The thought of 'winning' or surviving when they 'fail' never ever occurred to me before. There is also something of a 'the end is in sight' type of anxiety - the feeling that you could fall at the last hurdle? It probably sounds horrendous but I'm feeling a mixture of all these things.
OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 15/08/2021 11:48

@Enterthedragons thank you so much. I have thought about writing something on this for a long time, maybe a memoir or something. But it's hard to know how to approach it or what use it would be. I really appreciate you saying that, though.

OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 15/08/2021 11:52

Just wanted to say thank you to all for your kind, supportive comments on this thread. I feel like it has helped a lot, despite getting a bit overwhelmed with it a couple of days ago. I appreciate that people kept posting.

It's hard for me to hold on to my perspective when everyone else in my family appears to see it differently from me. It's tempting to blame myself and tell myself I've got it wrong. I feel a lot of self-doubt. So it has really helped to read all your comments. I also find Dr Ramani's videos on youtube to be helpful and recommend them to anyone who has found my story similar to their own. Thank you so very much, all of you Flowers

OP posts:
Mix56 · 15/08/2021 12:05

Beastly, Please don't go to visit her, even if she gets your sister to summons you.
It's all about her, the image she wants to leave.
You know there won't be a mea culpa, or any declarations that she loved you all equally.,You know it's not the case. You saw how she treated your sister.
Bunging a bit of money your way later on is such an empty gesture.
IMHO, Your "no show" is for You, So that she cannot hurt your further.

SunshineCake · 16/08/2021 07:33

Other family members see it differently as they have had different experiences. It doesn't make what you feel wrong.

LizzieSiddal · 16/08/2021 08:22

Beastly I was in a very similar situation and I don’t go and I’ve never regretted it for a second. I knew it would cause me more pain and sadness and I wasn’t willing to put myself through that, I had to protect myself for the sake of myself and my own family.

I very much agree with this post I think the thing that will hit me the hardest and that I will grieve for the most when my mother dies, is the finality that I will never know motherly love
I’m 55, my mother died 10 years ago and I still find this the saddest thing. however my therapist taught me to acknowledge this sadness then to focus on where I am now, I have adult Dc who tell me almost every day that they love me and show by their behaviour that this it true (when my Dc were young I worried they’d never love me as I had never been able to love my own mum), I also have a lovely dh and a great career. This really puts things into perspective.
Good luck with this awful time, make the decision which is best for you.Flowers

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 20:11

So I spoke to my mum on the phone tonight. She called me. She said she wanted to give me a chance to ask any questions. I wasn't sure if she meant about her illness or anything else. I asked if she was scared about anything, and she said she wasn't. She said I should let her know if I wanted anything of hers. I said I didn't want anything. It was a very strange conversation. She only wanted to talk about herself, didn't ask me anything or have anything to say about the fact we haven't had a conversation for over a decade. She was quite pleasant, though, no little digs except for saying she hoped I would keep in touch with my siblings when she was gone.

I wonder if I should ask her if she has any regrets about her life, or specifically about how she treated me or our relationship? I didn't have a chance to prepare myself for the conversation so I didn't have anything to say, really.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 16/08/2021 20:19

As she’s raised it, @beastlyslumber I think I might be tempted to ask her; tell her how you’ve felt.

Not expecting remorse, but since she’s asked…

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 20:21

That's what I was thinking. I might not phone her, though, but just send a message.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 16/08/2021 20:22

It’s tricky. Almost worse that she’s asked!

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 20:27

I know. I wish I had known she was going to call as I would have had a chance to prepare myself. My sister had previously asked if mum could call me and I said yes but she should message first in case I was working/busy (or more likely, not ready to answer). But of course she didn't do that, so caught me completely off guard. I didn't even recognise the number.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 16/08/2021 20:27

Oh, god. Don’t envy you. Bite the bullet and ring her?

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 20:31

Maybe I should. I may just be setting myself up for more confusion/hurt. But she invited questions, so... She said she wanted to give me a chance to ask anything before she became too ill to answer. I doubt that she means ask her why she was such a terrible mother and does she realise she ruined my life!

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 16/08/2021 20:35

I think I’d maybe ask her what she thinks you’d have questions about? Take it from there? Without expectations. But it’s funny that she said it

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 20:40

She almost certainly means questions about her illness and dying, or possibly questions about family connections. She has spoken to other siblings about how she hoped she'd been a good mother, but she didn't say anything like that to me, funnily enough!

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 16/08/2021 20:42

Mm. Tricky. It’s a bit of a quandary.

How are you feeling about it?

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 20:49

Pissed off that she took me unawares! But also I feel like, maybe I should ask her the questions. Because I do have questions, and it's true that this is my last chance to ask them. I have no idea how she might respond. She might have a meltdown and tell everyone I'm a cruel heartless bitch for haranguing an old woman on her deathbed. Or she might give some bullshit answers. Or she might give some answers that will be really hurtful and cruel. The chances of her responding honestly are slim to none. But maybe I should give her a chance.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 16/08/2021 20:56

Honestly, I think I’d probe as the opening is there. Without expectation

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 20:59

Yes, I think I will. Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 16/08/2021 21:08

Sending good vibes

Schweetheart · 17/08/2021 07:00

Oh that is a tough one. Good luck however you proceed OP.

How did you feel after speaking to her?

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