mum is dying, not sure what I should do

[beastlyslumber]

I've been LC with my mum for more than a decade. We never had a good relationship, but I haven't cut her out completely because I do get on okay with the rest of the family and they get on okay with her. She has been very ill for a while with cancer that's no longer treatable, and she's now expected to live only a couple more months.

I don't know whether I should go and see her before she dies. To be clear, she hasn't said she wants me to visit. She has apparently been talking a lot about how important it is to her to know she's been a good mother, and I doubt if she'd want to take the risk of seeing me in case I don't go along with this. She wasn't a good mother to me. She was cold and unloving, a liar, manipulative, and I would go so far as to say, abusive. She did, however, have some good points, and there were times she helped me out as an adult (because my life was a mess, go figure). I don't think she's a bad person as such, but she was a bad mother, and she caused me a huge amount of trauma, pain and unhappiness in childhood and throughout my life. It wasn't until I went very LC with her that I started to gain some confidence and achieve some things in life.

I don't have any ill will towards her, but I don't know if it's right to visit her. A part of me still hopes deep down that she would want to see me and say sorry and tell me she loves me. But this is not what's going to happen. If I see her, it would have to be on her terms, which means going along with the story about her being such a wonderful mum. Maybe that's something I should do, out of compassion? There are things I would like to tell her, but the truth is that she wouldn't be able to 'hear' them anyway. I'm scared that I'll regret not saying goodbye in person. But on the other hand, I'm scared that it will make everything worse. Is it better to just stay away?

OP - I can feel the hurt and turmoil in your posts. I can understand why but your emotions seem to be stuck in a parent/child dynamic that can't cope with an adult child/dying parent reality.

Gently asked - have you experienced close up dying/bereavement of a parent? Not great if they were ideal but complex if they weren't.

I was low contact with my mum but when she was hospitalised and developed sudden onset dementia the roles were reversed and it was my choice either to be a crap carer or a good enough one. I didn't choose to be crap because she had been crappy or less than. For me.

I won't lie. It was awful. She worshiped my brother - who did fuck all - and declared she adored him when he popped in. Me - I was the only one that could soothe her but then she would have a moment of lucidity and say 'where did I go wrong with you?'

I still don't know if I would have been better to avoid or be present and suffer 6+ years of flashbacks and nightmares. Part of me wishes ignorance of reality. But a greater part of me knows I had to go through it. For me.

It is very unlikely that you will see your parents as all powerful whilst they are dying. Don't deny yourself the opportunity to see them as vulnerable. This will not make you weak.

I'm sorry for what you went through KOKO it sounds brutal.

I think I'm coping pretty well with the situation. I don't know if my emotions are stuck. I do know that I don't plan to visit my mum before she dies.

She doesn't need me to care for her, but even if she did, I wouldn't. This would be for her sake as well as my own. However, she has excellent care and there is no need for me to take that role.

No I haven't experienced close up dying of a parent or grandparent. I don't feel that I necessarily need to see my mum vulnerable, though. In a way that would feel a bit cruel to me, to go and visit just so I could see her weak and in pain? Maybe if I felt she still had a lot of power over me and was still hurting me, I can imagine that might shift things for me. But that's not the case. I don't think there's anything to be gained by going to see her.

I feel for you - it's a double-edged sword situation to be in.

In my personal experience, spiteful leopards like this don't change their spots even when they're on their deathbeds.

She's not senile and I think if you visit her, you very much risk her hurting you even more. If this happens, it will have a long-lasting and devastating effect on you.

When she dies, I think you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.