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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mum is dying, not sure what I should do

203 replies

beastlyslumber · 13/08/2021 11:15

I've been LC with my mum for more than a decade. We never had a good relationship, but I haven't cut her out completely because I do get on okay with the rest of the family and they get on okay with her. She has been very ill for a while with cancer that's no longer treatable, and she's now expected to live only a couple more months.

I don't know whether I should go and see her before she dies. To be clear, she hasn't said she wants me to visit. She has apparently been talking a lot about how important it is to her to know she's been a good mother, and I doubt if she'd want to take the risk of seeing me in case I don't go along with this. She wasn't a good mother to me. She was cold and unloving, a liar, manipulative, and I would go so far as to say, abusive. She did, however, have some good points, and there were times she helped me out as an adult (because my life was a mess, go figure). I don't think she's a bad person as such, but she was a bad mother, and she caused me a huge amount of trauma, pain and unhappiness in childhood and throughout my life. It wasn't until I went very LC with her that I started to gain some confidence and achieve some things in life.

I don't have any ill will towards her, but I don't know if it's right to visit her. A part of me still hopes deep down that she would want to see me and say sorry and tell me she loves me. But this is not what's going to happen. If I see her, it would have to be on her terms, which means going along with the story about her being such a wonderful mum. Maybe that's something I should do, out of compassion? There are things I would like to tell her, but the truth is that she wouldn't be able to 'hear' them anyway. I'm scared that I'll regret not saying goodbye in person. But on the other hand, I'm scared that it will make everything worse. Is it better to just stay away?

OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 18/08/2021 15:07

Is there any possibility that your Mother is carefully considering your questions before she replies?

It's possible. I sent another message this morning, a more lighthearted one, so that she would have something that wouldn't be challenging to respond to, if she wanted to be in touch but not answer the question. But she hasn't replied at all. Maybe not feeling well enough to respond to messages or maybe just has nothing to say or maybe enjoying the familiar feeling of withholding her attention from me. I think the best thing I can do is just let it all go.

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Original poster
beastlyslumber · 18/08/2021 15:08

I used to send my mother flowers quite often (birthday, Xmas) knowing that she would enjoy them whoever had sent them

That was really kind of you.

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Original poster
beastlyslumber · 18/08/2021 15:10

Thanks wouldbegood and snog It has all definitely thrown me for a loop and I feel quite anxious and tearful. I may need cake as well as flowers! Grin

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WouldBeGood · 18/08/2021 15:50

I think if ever there were a time for cake this is it! 🍰

ChocolateHelps · 18/08/2021 16:58

From a totally selfish point of view, thank you for sharing your thoughts on your situation. I often think how I would act in the situation you are in. I'm finally NC and reading this thread has given me an awful lot of aha moments. It's not an easy situation to be in because most of society has no clue how hurtful it can be to be around a parent like this. And how hard it is to describe how hard it is! My experience is you can't win, so the best thing to do is whatever is the best thing for you to do.

IsItWorthTheHassle · 18/08/2021 17:21

I think yiu e handled it really well @beastlyslumber and I hope this will give you the peace you need.

Just a word of caution. My dad had a similar situation with his own dad. Just when my dad thought everything had come to an end after his death, opening the will threw everything back in the air again.
Basically, the will was designed to create as much hurt as possible once again :(:(

I’m not saying your mum will do that but you might want to be aware it’s a possibility iyswim.

Cyw2018 · 18/08/2021 17:23

@ChocolateHelps

From a totally selfish point of view, thank you for sharing your thoughts on your situation. I often think how I would act in the situation you are in. I'm finally NC and reading this thread has given me an awful lot of aha moments. It's not an easy situation to be in because most of society has no clue how hurtful it can be to be around a parent like this. And how hard it is to describe how hard it is! My experience is you can't win, so the best thing to do is whatever is the best thing for you to do.
Likewise, I'm grateful for this and another similar thread discussing end of life care/ decisions in these situations. It's good to think through this scenario whilst calm and not actually in the midst of it and under pressure from immediate and extended family.
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 18/08/2021 18:11

@ChocolateHelps

From a totally selfish point of view, thank you for sharing your thoughts on your situation. I often think how I would act in the situation you are in. I'm finally NC and reading this thread has given me an awful lot of aha moments. It's not an easy situation to be in because most of society has no clue how hurtful it can be to be around a parent like this. And how hard it is to describe how hard it is! My experience is you can't win, so the best thing to do is whatever is the best thing for you to do.
Love your username! Thanks so much for this comment and well done on going NC. It's not easy, is it? People often really don't understand and you end up having to be very sensitive towards them. "You can't win" is 100% true. You can't do right for doing wrong.
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Original poster
beastlyslumber · 18/08/2021 18:15

Just a word of caution. My dad had a similar situation with his own dad. Just when my dad thought everything had come to an end after his death, opening the will threw everything back in the air again.
Basically, the will was designed to create as much hurt as possible once again

How awful for your dad, and the whole family really. I'm definitely not expecting anything from my mum in the will. But yes, definitely wouldn't discount the possibility that she'll find a way to manipulate and triangulate from beyond the grave!

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Original poster
beastlyslumber · 18/08/2021 18:20

It's good to think through this scenario whilst calm and not actually in the midst of it and under pressure from immediate and extended family.

I wish I'd thought it through more clearly before now! But I did know, when I made the decision to stop contact, that this meant giving up on the idea of reconciliation, and that included deathbed reconciliation. I also did think that I probably wouldn't go to the funeral (although now I think I might, because I've missed wider family a lot during covid times). I really think I subconsciously believed she would live forever! It's crazy, I know.

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WouldBeGood · 18/08/2021 18:57

It must be a thing @beastlyslumber. My DS believes my father is like a nuclear holocaust surviving cockroach who will outlive us all 😂

vjg13 · 18/08/2021 19:26

@ChocolateHelps

From a totally selfish point of view, thank you for sharing your thoughts on your situation. I often think how I would act in the situation you are in. I'm finally NC and reading this thread has given me an awful lot of aha moments. It's not an easy situation to be in because most of society has no clue how hurtful it can be to be around a parent like this. And how hard it is to describe how hard it is! My experience is you can't win, so the best thing to do is whatever is the best thing for you to do.
That is so true and it is really helpful when other people share their feelings. I was shocked at the grief I felt when my mother died but it was very different to that I had experienced when a beloved family member died and I recovered from it very quickly. There was also a definite relief knowing I would never see her again which sounds awful but is true.

When we arranged her funeral, the funeral director did ask if we wanted to put letters into her coffin and I briefly considered it but didn't. It sort of felt like a bad soap opera moment.

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 19/08/2021 09:58

To my astonishment last night I got an answer from my mother. She said she regretted that our relationship broke down and she hadn't been able to fix it. I mean, we never had a good relationship, and she never did anything to try to fix it, but putting that aside, that response was way more than I ever expected to hear from her.

I haven't responded yet. I'm trying to work out what to say, but it will be along the lines of thanking her for saying that and wishing her well. I don't want to get into a whole discussion about it all with her. The fact that she's said this feels like an acknowledgement of sorts, and I genuinely never thought she would be capable of that.

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ravenmum · 19/08/2021 10:26

You are interpreting that generously ... but I know what you mean, the mere acknowledgement of an issue is good, and she's kind of taking on part of the responsibility. A weird feeling for you, I guess? But good that you've got something from her.

SunshineCake · 19/08/2021 11:12

You don't have to reply if you don't want.

It has made me think about my m writing a letter saying she had thought I would have forgiven her by now, but clearly not, and I have been thinking what has she done to make me forgive her?

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 19/08/2021 11:29

It does feel very strange. It's just all too late to make a difference, really, and that makes me so sad. I wish she had cared enough before now to try to connect with me. I wish I didn't suspect that even this last-minute expression of regret is more about her image than my feelings or our relationship. It's hard for me to accept that she doesn't know that if she wanted to fix things between us, all she ever had to do was talk to me.

What a sad, stupid shame it all is.

I will respond, but I don't think I will say much. I think I'll just say something along the lines of sharing that regret. What else is there to say, really?

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SunshineCake · 19/08/2021 11:39

Only if you really do share the regret and it won't cause you pain.

I was talking to my two friends, both in their 80s, who have known me since I was primary school age and they both think she must need something from me, maybe looking after.

vjg13 · 19/08/2021 15:57

I think it is something and more than you expected from her. I hope it helps you.

Schweetheart · 19/08/2021 16:54

Oh this must be very unsettling… such a shame as you say.

I am pleased she’s indicated some regret and acknowledgement but yes can totally see how it’s too little too late, and how you might feel cynical that she absolves herself but leaves you with… confusion, questions, sadness…

You have lots to process op. Even though you’d made some peace with all this a while ago I imagine it must’ve reopened wounds, or created new ones.

Do look after yourself…

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 20/08/2021 18:14

Thanks all. For some reason, I'm not getting any notifications about the thread. But really appreciate all your responses. It's definitely helped me to get my head together.

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SunshineCake · 20/08/2021 18:29

I'm pleased it had helped. I really hope you have peace and when she does die she doesn't leave any nasty surprises @beastlyslumber Flowers

WouldBeGood · 20/08/2021 18:31

So pleased you’ve found a little peace @beastlyslumber

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 20/08/2021 18:48

Thank you, both. I feel like I have as much peace with it now as I could have hoped for, really. I responded to her message saying, yes I wish things had been different between us, and have left it at that. I think that will probably be enough for her.

Yeah, apparently she is writing her will at the moment. I expect everything will go to the favoured children. She's not wealthy (as far as I know! She's always been weirdly secretive about money) and may even leave us with debts to sort out.

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Oneearringlost · 20/08/2021 18:51

@MakemeaCake

It's your decision . Do you have siblings who can help you decide?

All I'd say is that when someone is about to die, I think that we ought to be compassionate and try to forgive their shortcomings. None of us is perfect and maybe your Mum had her own demons to contend with that made her a poor parent in your eyes.

Are you worried that when you see her she will insist she was a good mother and expect you to agree with her?

Maybe she won't do any of that. Maybe she just wants to say goodbye. I also doubt she thinks she was a good mother. Maybe what she wants is to be able to ask forgiveness or simply give you a hug and let bygones be bygones, while there is time.

That's a beautiful post. Maybe not for everyone to embrace but a universally compassionate one x
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 20/08/2021 18:59

I didn't find it beautiful, sorry. It doesn't reflect any of the realities of my relationship with my mum, and it ignores everything I said in my post about how things are between us. I have to balance compassion for my mum, who abused me, with compassion for myself, who was abused. This post really does not show any understanding of that.

However, I'm glad you got something from it, oneearringlost. That actually makes me feel better about it. I hope you have a lovely relationship with your mum and never have to deal with a more complicated grief.

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