mum is dying, not sure what I should do

[beastlyslumber]

I've been LC with my mum for more than a decade. We never had a good relationship, but I haven't cut her out completely because I do get on okay with the rest of the family and they get on okay with her. She has been very ill for a while with cancer that's no longer treatable, and she's now expected to live only a couple more months.

I don't know whether I should go and see her before she dies. To be clear, she hasn't said she wants me to visit. She has apparently been talking a lot about how important it is to her to know she's been a good mother, and I doubt if she'd want to take the risk of seeing me in case I don't go along with this. She wasn't a good mother to me. She was cold and unloving, a liar, manipulative, and I would go so far as to say, abusive. She did, however, have some good points, and there were times she helped me out as an adult (because my life was a mess, go figure). I don't think she's a bad person as such, but she was a bad mother, and she caused me a huge amount of trauma, pain and unhappiness in childhood and throughout my life. It wasn't until I went very LC with her that I started to gain some confidence and achieve some things in life.

I don't have any ill will towards her, but I don't know if it's right to visit her. A part of me still hopes deep down that she would want to see me and say sorry and tell me she loves me. But this is not what's going to happen. If I see her, it would have to be on her terms, which means going along with the story about her being such a wonderful mum. Maybe that's something I should do, out of compassion? There are things I would like to tell her, but the truth is that she wouldn't be able to 'hear' them anyway. I'm scared that I'll regret not saying goodbye in person. But on the other hand, I'm scared that it will make everything worse. Is it better to just stay away?

How does your sister feel about your mother?.

I would urge you to seek further help and support from a BACP registered therapist. You also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. I just lost my dad but he was a very different character to your mum, but I still have regrets and it’s one of the worst feelings in the world.

If you think that there is even a slight possibility that you might regret not seeing her and it wouldn’t cause you any emotional pain, I personally would go. Not necessarily for her, for you, for closure. But I wouldn’t lie to her about what a great mother she’s been if that wasn’t your truth. Don’t get me wrong, im absolutely not saying go in for an argument and tell her all the ways she failed you or hurt you but I wouldn’t lie, because (harsh as it sounds) she doesn’t deserve to believe she was a fantastic mum. I’d avoid those conversations as a whole, if you can. My brother lied to my father on his death bed, about getting a snr commanding army position as an entry level one, and it just felt wrong to me, for one of his final thoughts to be a lie.

The rest of the family aren't pressuring me, but they are all fully buying into the 'great mum' story, despite the fact that most of them don't see her more than once a year

I think some people "believe" things just because it's easier for them than to confront this issue. It's very common for survivors of abuse to be excluded from families or communities whilst the abuser maintains their social position.

You know the truth. It's ok to put yourself first and what's right for you.

A question to ask yourself maybe, if you did go and you got what you're looking for. Would that change you or your life? Is it possible you end up angry that she couldn't admit being a poor mother until her death and not before?

@AttilaTheMeerkat

How does your sister feel about your mother?.

I would urge you to seek further help and support from a BACP registered therapist. You also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

I'm talking to a counsellor. I'm not sure how much they understand, really. But it's early days.

The thing is, I feel like I have grieved over and over for this woman. I'm exhausted with it all already.

My sister is close with my mum. She was the golden child. My other sister and my brother aren't at all close with her and they've never had much good to say about her, but are now falling over themselves to say how wonderful she is. I guess I understand that but it's made me feel quite isolated. Most people don't seem to understand my situation.

I don’t agree you should go along with her narrative just because she’s dying.

Don’t go hoping for a film style death bed reconciliation, or answers. It won’t happen.

I’m
Kind of in the same boat.

It's very common for survivors of abuse to be excluded from families or communities whilst the abuser maintains their social position.

Yes, that's precisely how it feels to me. Thank you.

Tish good question. I've never thought about that! I don't know how I'd feel. It seems like it's already too late for that to make any difference.

@WouldBeGood thank you, and I'm sorry you're going through something like this

Most people don't seem to understand my situation.

They rarely do when it's difficult! Trust your own feelings.
The fact you're disagreeing with family about this is telling as it shows where your own viewpoint is (ie, not the same as theirs).
If it was simple, you would just go and see your mum. No drama, it wouldn't be an issue.
The older I get, the more I realise how much I do is out of obligation. I've become so used to thinking of other people before me, that I genuinely find it hard to know how I feel. Trust yourself xx

Don’t go. She can’t - or won’t - give you any type of closure and really - you don’t owe her anything. It sounds like you’ve tried to reconcile and talk about what happened and she refuses to.

Any kind of “let’s forget the past” is still playing into her narrative that what happened wasn’t important, and didn’t affect you. I don’t think that she can give you what you need.

I have spent a lot of time thinking what I do with my own DM if she became ill. We’re very LC.

I like to think that I could put aside my feelings and just give her what she wants, say what she wants to hear, and let her “go” in relative peace. Tell her was right all along, that I was cruel to be estranged from her, that I was unkind, and unreasonable and all the other things she thinks of me.

I can’t do this now, it wouldn’t be genuine and I don’t think I really want her in our lives so there is no point pretending…. but knowing that the relationship would indefinitely expire, I think I could give her that.

Reading that back it’s pretty fucked up tbh, but it’s how I imagine it. That I could tolerate giving her what she needs for a short and finite period. After all it’s always been all about her, so doesn’t really matter whether it’s genuine or not.

I was NC with a parent who was incredibly angry towards me and held a grudge for many years without ever being able/willing to explain what I had done wrong.

This situation did not arise for me as their illness was kept secret and death only communicated after. I was purposefully excluded from the funeral too, so every decision was taken out of my hands.

As I had already grieved their relationship over many years I am relieved I was excluded.

The continuing anger towards me that it indicates is at least honest.

I think they wanted that status quo and never to risk admitting the damage they had caused (out of jealousy and unsatisfied need to control).

I think to visit will require some bravery and acceptance on your part that the time to address grievances is gone.

Maybe sending flowers and thinking of you would be most honest and ‘safe’ for both you and her.

Does it need to be about terms. Can’t it just be a goodbye that isn’t loaded with anger and accusations?

If I see her, it would have to be on her terms, which means going along with the story about her being such a wonderful mum. Maybe that's something I should do, out of compassion?
If you did this, wouldn't it just give you worse memories of her passing? I don't think it's necessary, explicitly at least. Could you say nothing and let people draw the wrong conclusions from that if they so prefer?

*I think to visit will require some bravery and acceptance on your part that the time to address grievances is gone.

Maybe sending flowers and thinking of you would be most honest and ‘safe’ for both you and her.*

I like this idea, thank you. I think I could do something like that.

"the time to address grievances is gone" - I think this is right.

Will the rest of the family accept it if you don't go?

I could tolerate giving her what she needs for a short and finite period. After all it’s always been all about her, so doesn’t really matter whether it’s genuine or not.

Yeah. But then I wonder what this would cost me. It's a difficult thing to process. I was always very clear that I wouldn't be making any deathbed visits, but now it's happened I'm finding it all quite confusing.

I'm not sure if this is going to help, but my mum through all her faults and she had many, which she blamed for being a German refugee, she called it her refugee syndrome, she had to flee her hometown in Germany, because the Nazi Youth Movement were trying to make her join them. There is so much to my mum and dad's story, it's not surprising that there have been a few issues along the way (my dad was Polish). So there were times when myself and my mum clashed, the times that I stood on her doorstep biting my tongue not wanting to visit because I was so annoyed and upset with her. However, over the years, I learnt to bite my tongue more and not be so upset because what my mum did do, was always, always let myself, my sister and my brother know that we were always loved and wanted, she would make sure that we had food before eating herself, she never physically hurt me, she was more verbally challenging. Then one day to my absolute horror, I saw that my mum had gotten old, by this time, my dad had passed away. So I became more involved with her care as my sister did the majority. We still had silly moments, but I managed to ignore them and concentrate on my mum's care. For me, being there for my mum during her darkest hours as she was passing away was something that I am truly grateful for. It means that I can look back forgetting most of the unpleasant stuff. I completely understand that you have many, many reasons for not going to see your mum, it's such a hard and harsh decision for you to have to make. If you didn't go to see her, would you go to her funeral, could that be a way that you could say goodbye? Or write a letter to her and ask of one of her care staff could read it to her and then see if she responds? I think the most important question that you would have to ask yourself is, would I be able to move on if I didn't go, only you can answer that. Wishing you all the very best.

@ravenmum

Will the rest of the family accept it if you don't go?

I think so. It's hard to tell. They are all going along with this new version of reality mum has concocted. She has always done a good job of making me the problem and lining up everyone else on her 'side'. I expect the story will be along the lines of, "I've tried so hard and just wanted to be a good mum to beastly, but she has always been difficult/selfish/unkind and there's nothing more I can do, I shall have to die knowing that my daughter didn't care, but don't worry about me blah blah blah".

I have never regretted seeing my mother before she died. She was a narcissist though. Most of my so-called family saw me as a bad daughter but never wanted to hear my side of the relationship with my mother.

what my mum did do, was always, always let myself, my sister and my brother know that we were always loved and wanted

That's the ONLY thing I ever wanted from my mum @Bradford333. To know that I was loved and wanted. I wasn't. She made that clear by words and actions, and nothing I did was ever good enough to make her love me. For all the hard times you went through with your mum, that is the one thing that really, truly matters. I'm sorry for what you went through and glad you had that precious time too x

I'm sorry @sunshinesupermum. My family never wanted to hear my side either. It's very isolating. Did you see your mum before she died?

Maybe you could bring it up with a family member as in "I think it might actually upset her more if I visit now, what do you think?" and see what the reaction is? But if you really don't like the idea at all, that's your answer really.

I always think you regret the things you don't do more than the things you do do. I would go, not expecting closure, because it sounds like there's not going to be a meeting of minds, but just so I had no regrets. The fact that it's so important to your mother that she has been a good mother makes me think she fears she hasn't been. My mum is similar. She wasn't great either but, differently from you, I'm fortunate because I love her, so I just nod because I've come to terms with it.

From your responses it sounds to me like you're really posting because you don't want to go and you're hoping others will tell you you're right. Not to go is a perfectly valid decision and you should do what's right for you. Think how you'll feel after she's gone and imagine yourself having visited her and having not visited her. Which would make you feel better? Good luck with such a difficult decision.