How do I stand up for myself facing my abuser in court

Queenie6655 · 2021-08-11T09:44:36+00:00

Court case in a few days I'm so so worried Yes I have done nothing wrong He has made it all out to be my fault He tried to kill me Hurt my child Knife to my throat I'm so used to believing this man and letting him get his way that I have mentally prepared myself for a total and utter shambles ahead of me and to be victim blamed Why didn't I leave Why forgive him!! I caused a lot of these problems by covering up for him How will I stand up for myself in court and try to tell my story ??!!!?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 11/08/2021 10:50

Ime when you know you are right. When you know you have done nothing wrong.
When you know one day your abuser's facade will fall.
When you know deep down you deserve better.
You got this op.
You really have.

romdowa · 11/08/2021 10:52

Have you got an advocate who can go to court with you or even talk to you about what will happen in court before hand? Might make you feel more prepared.

Original poster

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 11:05

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Ime when you know you are right. When you know you have done nothing wrong. When you know one day your abuser's facade will fall. When you know deep down you deserve better. You got this op. You really have.

Very good point

So true

I did nothing wrong

Called him a few silly names after years of abuse
That's all he has on me

He is saying he did nothing wrong and I am making it all up?!!! Why would someone do that??

OP posts:

Original poster

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 11:05

@romdowa

Have you got an advocate who can go to court with you or even talk to you about what will happen in court before hand? Might make you feel more prepared.

No I don't sadly

Was planning on getting in and out as quick as I can

Case is set out for 5 days

Hope it won't take that long ?!!!?

Who knows
May. Have a meltdown when I get there 😢😢

OP posts:

FindMeInTheSunshine · 11/08/2021 11:08

You are stronger than you know. Write down everything. More than once, so you can tell a coherent story. Write down the questions you think you might be asked, and write the answers to those as well. If you have a good friend, ask them to help you go over what happened with you out loud.

Original poster

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 11:11

@FindMeInTheSunshine

You are stronger than you know. Write down everything. More than once, so you can tell a coherent story. Write down the questions you think you might be asked, and write the answers to those as well. If you have a good friend, ask them to help you go over what happened with you out loud.

Yes very good idea

Will try this later today

He is charming and articulate

I am the opposite and can struggle to Get my words together

He will be believed I have this awful feeling

I have evidence behind me
All he ha are a few messages when I finally erupted and called him a few names

He is going to town on this as an example of my abuse

OP posts:

wewereliars · 11/08/2021 11:22

In case it helps OP, you can ask the court to put up a screen so you do not have to see him

Original poster

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 11:25

@wewereliars

In case it helps OP, you can ask the court to put up a screen so you do not have to see him

Yes I requested this

Hopefully he won't be near me in the waiting area

He tried to kill his ex too
He walked away with a CAUTION

He knows he will walk away again he is so sure of himself it kills me

OP posts:

wewereliars · 11/08/2021 11:58

He is on trial though, not you

You should be in a completely separate waiting area, and if you're not ask the court staff to put you somewhere else. There are consultation rooms all around courts.

Yu are being very brave, good luck x

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 11/08/2021 12:03

Please please please take a sympathetic friend or relative with you.

Original poster

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 12:04

@wewereliars

He is on trial though, not you

You should be in a completely separate waiting area, and if you're not ask the court staff to put you somewhere else. There are consultation rooms all around courts.

Yu are being very brave, good luck x

Thanks so much

Yes I am lucky that cps have taken it forward

He deserves jail

I just wish I was stronger and able to fight off my totally unjustified doubts

Hate this man so much
Hate how he has destroyed my life

OP posts:

30degreesandmeltinghere · 11/08/2021 12:10

After a case lasting 4 years my exh began getting flustered in those last few days. On the stand he lost his cool and tried to grab me.. Security were called. The judge seemed to realise at last what sort of man he was.... The difference in a court room is you can't lie effectively.. You are standing before a credited observer of lies and truth. YOUR truth will come out op.
Trust yourself.

Vebrithien · 11/08/2021 12:16

I have no experience of the horrors you have been through, but am sending a very unMumsnetty hug your way.

You have the weight of truth behind you, and the solace of a clean conscience. When you are asked questions, take a breath before answering.

You are so brave. Just a little longer, and there will hopefully be justice, for you and also his ex.

Your actions will also help out any poor soul in the future, who comes across him. This could be the time that you are the link that stops him from him murdering his next partner.

/

Original poster

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 12:21

@Vebrithien

I have no experience of the horrors you have been through, but am sending a very unMumsnetty hug your way.

You have the weight of truth behind you, and the solace of a clean conscience. When you are asked questions, take a breath before answering.

You are so brave. Just a little longer, and there will hopefully be justice, for you and also his ex.

Your actions will also help out any poor soul in the future, who comes across him. This could be the time that you are the link that stops him from him murdering his next partner.

/

Yes absolutely

So one day I said no I can't go ahead

Let him off

He will learn

Then I thought of the next woman he tries to kill and I just could not live with myself

OP posts:

Original poster

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 12:22

@30degreesandmeltinghere

After a case lasting 4 years my exh began getting flustered in those last few days. On the stand he lost his cool and tried to grab me.. Security were called. The judge seemed to realise at last what sort of man he was.... The difference in a court room is you can't lie effectively.. You are standing before a credited observer of lies and truth. YOUR truth will come out op. Trust yourself.

Wow this is so powerful

Firstly sending you good wishes and so sorry you went through this

Secondly
Your words resonate with me
This is where the judge will have seen these fkcers before
The typical patterns , the threats , the abuse in pregnancy , the lies
They have seen it all

OP posts:

CorianderBee · 11/08/2021 12:33

If he has a history of attempting to hurt women or hurting women (his ex) then. Would be very unlikely that any judge would let him off having repeated his behaviour. That would be a very stupid judge indeed.

SoddingWeddings · 11/08/2021 12:35

Is this a criminal case? Have they offered you special measures such as giving evidence behind a screen or from another room via video link?

Is he representing himself or does he have a lawyer?

updownroundandround · 11/08/2021 12:36

@Queenie6655

You have the power of the truth behind you.

You were strong enough to survive his abuse.

You are strong enough to tell the court about it.

It's not about fancy words, it's about being honest and open, hiding nothing.

You have got this.

Original poster

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 12:43

@CorianderBee

If he has a history of attempting to hurt women or hurting women (his ex) then. Would be very unlikely that any judge would let him off having repeated his behaviour. That would be a very stupid judge indeed.

Ok very good point but

I have been told that they may not be allowed to look into his past offending??!

How is that possible?

OP posts:

Original poster

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 12:43

[quote updownroundandround]@Queenie6655

You have the power of the truth behind you.

You were strong enough to survive his abuse.

You are strong enough to tell the court about it.

It's not about fancy words, it's about being honest and open, hiding nothing.

You have got this. [/quote]
Thank you so so much cxxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 12:44

@SoddingWeddings

Is this a criminal case? Have they offered you special measures such as giving evidence behind a screen or from another room via video link?

Is he representing himself or does he have a lawyer?

So the screen has been offered

It's a criminal case lasting 5 days

Why so long?

OP posts:

Original poster

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 12:52

I just don't know how to be strong enough to go into detail in the court room

I have been warned his defence team will tear me apart

I will be blamed and ridiculed
And for what ???!? So he will prob walk free when he lies and lies

My word against a charismatic, well spoken professional

OP posts:

wewereliars · 11/08/2021 12:57

The judge won't know about any past offending unless and until he is found guilty of assaulting you. The logic is that otherwise he will be punished for the same offence repeatedly.

If he is, the past offence/s has has been found guilty of will affect his sentence. Definitely take a supportive friend if you can OP.

Pebbledashery · 11/08/2021 12:58

Good luck xx here for you.
Did you have police and children's services involvement xx

Pebbledashery · 11/08/2021 13:02

I would say don't go in with any expectations. My exes barrister was a pitbull, I mean total pitbull.. You could tell our case was so beneath her. She thought she could tear me apart. She even struggled to say my surname correctly and I corrected her very many times. She did make me cry several times, but I took from that that it was genuine emotion. My barrister was half her age, with 20 years less call, but she is the most beautifully articulate person I know and that's what mattered at the end of the day. And evidence of course. It'll be ok. You can request a screen to give evidence behind and sit behind too so you don't have to look at him.