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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stand up for myself facing my abuser in court

572 replies

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 10:44

Court case in a few days

I'm so so worried

Yes I have done nothing wrong

He has made it all out to be my fault

He tried to kill me
Hurt my child
Knife to my throat

I'm so used to believing this man and letting him get his way that I have mentally prepared myself for a total and utter shambles ahead of me and to be victim blamed

Why didn't I leave
Why forgive him!!

I caused a lot of these problems by covering up for him

How will I stand up for myself in court and try to tell my story ??!!!?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Eviebeans · 11/08/2021 17:20

Could you ask to see the witness template so you have an idea of when you will be called.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 17:27

@Eviebeans

Could you ask to see the witness template so you have an idea of when you will be called.
Ok yes I can

Thank you

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 11/08/2021 17:32

@CorianderBee

If he has a history of attempting to hurt women or hurting women (his ex) then. Would be very unlikely that any judge would let him off having repeated his behaviour. That would be a very stupid judge indeed.
This sounds as though it's a Crown Court case? In which case the judge won't be the one deciding, it will be the jurors.

Tell the truth - answer the questions you are asked truthfully.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 17:38

Sorry yes crown court

Apologies should have said so

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 17:40

It has been to magistrates so far already

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 11/08/2021 17:48

Ah sorry, didn't think about it being crown court (and not TICs) so yes past offenses won't be made visible (stupid rule).

Agree with above though. It's easy for a questioner to find holes in a liars story and inconsistencies, to rile them up. You're telling the truth. You know what happened. You remember it. So even if you don't know the exact time or exact words said you remember the whole timeline of what happened. So you'll be saying the same things over and over and be credible.

Stay strong. Remember your truth.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 17:54

@CorianderBee very true

And thanks so so much

This is much appreciated

Praying he FINALLY gets what he deserves this time

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 11/08/2021 17:59

One extra tip from me. Look at the judge. Don't look at his barrister, and definitely don't look at him. Look at the judge. You will need to give all your answers to the judge, even though the barrister asks you questions.

Take a sip of water before you answer questions. If you start crying, ask for a moment to settle yourself.

Very, very best of luck.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 18:05

Many thanks so useful to know

Take my time
Pace myself

Have enough water
If I feel bullied by the barrister say so?
Take deep breaths

Ask for a break if I need to ?

Stick to my statement
Don't bring in new evidence

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 11/08/2021 18:09

I don’t have any words of wisdom based on experience, but have courage and blessings for when it happens, you’ll be ok, you sound amazingly strong… Flowers FlowersFlowers

NoPrivateSpy · 11/08/2021 18:14

Agree with all the other posters. Your account will have stayed the same. If his account has changed, then he will present the latest, most plausible account in court. So don't feel afraid to point out to the judge that his account keeps changing!

Ultimately, the court needs to see that, on the balance of probabilities, your evidence and testimony is more credible. Which it will be 100%! And especially if you follow this advice, OP.

Don't let him rile you. You know the truth!

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 18:14

@WellThisIsShit funnily enough I am stronger than I realise

Just have got so used to him telling me it is all my fault and that no one will believe me

That is what has been ringing in my ears

All I did was give him multiple chances and minimise what He did to me

I never abused him

Wish I had stood up for myself more often

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 18:15

@NoPrivateSpy thanks so much

So very true !!!!

OP posts:
wewereliars · 11/08/2021 18:17

Good advice, look at the judge and direct answers to him/ her.

Sounds like you've got it OP, best of luck.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 11/08/2021 18:35

I think everyone has given you so much good advice but I'm sorry I don't agree with having to look at the judge. I supported witnesses in criminal court many times and I don't recall anyone directing answers to the judge unless he/she asked a question. It is natural to answer the person speaking to you. I'm not saying don't, but don't worry about the part unless you're specifically told to. The judge will be taking his/her own notes as you speak.

As everyone has said, tell the truth, don't be scared to ask for the question to be repeated if you don't understand it or to say you can't fully remember say a date or time.

They do this day in and day out. His barrister will suggest your account is not correct but that's their job, as a PP mentioned they need to make a name for themselves - that's how they get more work. It is nothing personal towards you. It's scary but you've got this, you're telling the truth. 5 days means there is a lot of evidence/witnesses to go through and all it appears he has is you calling him a few names.

You've got this Flowers

wewereliars · 11/08/2021 18:59

You don't have to look at the judge, but it gives you a focus and makes it easier for them to hear you.

If the judge has to ask you to speak up it can be disconcerting

DisplayPurposesOnly · 11/08/2021 19:30

I was on a jury recently in a similar sort of scenario.

I'm sure it will feel awful but i can honestly say that, from what i saw, they treated the complaintant carefully. They have to ask the questions (over and over!) and press you on your answers, but they are polite and calm. You can ask for a break. You dont need to rush your answers.

They really focus on what happened, so try to get that as clear in your head as you can. As much detail as you can. Which arm was where, where was your leg, which way were you facing - that kind of thing.

It'll be five days because it seems very slow. There are lots of breaks - for good reason. As a juror, i found it very intense to listen to, there's lots to take in. They dont like to keep witnesses on the stand for too long, they know how hard it is.

Best of luck. You can do it.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 19:37

@DisplayPurposesOnly @wewereliars @ThistlesAndUnicorns thank you so so much

So very useful

Been getting myself wrapped in circles of negative faulty thinking

I did nothing wrong

I called him names finally after years when he got away with so much

I have told the truth throughout

Praying this scumbag gets jail

He is from a culture where woman would be expected to stay quiet and let the man do as he likes (his words not mine)
I'm sure they will pick up on this and tell me this was just two different cultures colliding blah blah

He is an awful abuser

What he did to his ex was truly horrendous

He also made threats to kill her family as well as mine at a later stage

Just horrendous

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 19:38

@wewereliars

Good advice, look at the judge and direct answers to him/ her.

Sounds like you've got it OP, best of luck.

Thanks so so much

Please god let this go ok

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 11/08/2021 19:38

*Complainant, of course.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 11/08/2021 19:45

He is from a culture where woman would be expected to stay quiet and let the man do as he likes (his words not mine)
I'm sure they will pick up on this and tell me this was just two different cultures colliding blah blah

They really wont.

Also my other observation is that it's natural to feel his barrister is against you. They are, in as much as they represent him, of course. But it's just another opportunity to tell your evidence again from a different angle. As others have said, you have the truth, just keep saying it. You will go over it again and again, with the prosecution AND his defence.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 19:49

@DisplayPurposesOnly

He is from a culture where woman would be expected to stay quiet and let the man do as he likes (his words not mine) I'm sure they will pick up on this and tell me this was just two different cultures colliding blah blah

They really wont.

Also my other observation is that it's natural to feel his barrister is against you. They are, in as much as they represent him, of course. But it's just another opportunity to tell your evidence again from a different angle. As others have said, you have the truth, just keep saying it. You will go over it again and again, with the prosecution AND his defence.

Very good point thank you

I'm just catastrophising

OP posts:
Justmeandme19 · 11/08/2021 19:51

Also atm your probably feeling terrified by the unknown. I was also terrified giving evidence but me giving evidence didn't happen till just before lunch time. By that time I had a couple of hours listening to everyone else. By this stage I didn't feel so fearful also felt more confident.
Answering your question yes I did get the out come needed. It was bitter sweet though, its a terrible thing having to protect your children from their own father.

Justmeandme19 · 11/08/2021 19:58

The other thing is to ask your solicitor what you need to do to prepare for giving evidence. She/he should be able to help you. Do what they suggest and then just leave it try not to over think it. All you need is to be honest. There were times when I couldn't remember or I simply didn't know. I wasn't told off or anything, I just simply said I didn't know.

Thenshewasgone · 11/08/2021 20:56

Hand holding and wishing you all the strength to get through this, you're an inspiration to me to keep going with my case(s) and I sincerely hope you get the justice you deserve. We believe you Flowers