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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I stand up for myself facing my abuser in court

572 replies

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 10:44

Court case in a few days

I'm so so worried

Yes I have done nothing wrong

He has made it all out to be my fault

He tried to kill me
Hurt my child
Knife to my throat

I'm so used to believing this man and letting him get his way that I have mentally prepared myself for a total and utter shambles ahead of me and to be victim blamed

Why didn't I leave
Why forgive him!!

I caused a lot of these problems by covering up for him

How will I stand up for myself in court and try to tell my story ??!!!?

OP posts:
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6
SylvanianFrenemies · 12/08/2021 09:09

I know you are getting a lot if advice to write things down, and practice. Think twice about this. You don't want to appear rehearsed or worry you've missed something you planned. Just take your time, tell the truth, and don't be embarrassed if you get upset.

Suggest you contact your local victim support or womens sid office today for support and advice. Sadly they are used to all this.

Remember, the truth is on your side.

Queenie6655 · 12/08/2021 09:15

@SylvanianFrenemies ok yes good point

Will read it over a few times and in my head I am going to go back over what happened , how , what the injuries where etc

@HeronLanyon that's good to know as I will be travelling down to this from quite a distance so will probably need a hotel for all of this time?

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 12/08/2021 09:16

Thank you alll
So so much

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 12/08/2021 09:25

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/witness-expenses-and-allowances

This will give you idea of expenses you can claim. May not be bang up to date. You may be given different versions but might be helpful to see generally what you can claim. You would be ‘ordinary witness’. Good luck. Do not ‘blame yourself’ for anything that happens. Just do as best you can. The judge will ensure nothing improper goes on and that you are treated professionally by defence counsel. Head high. Good luck.

ElaineMarieBenes · 12/08/2021 10:02

I agree you just tell the truth (and don’t be afraid of silence and as set out above don’t try and fill it! Leave that to the barristers). The truth can include telling the judge/jury you are feeling nervous. Also reference there being video / photo evidence to confirm and back up what you are saying (maybe check with team this will be ok). Admit you called him names - but remember whatever you said would never ever deserve or justify him breaking the law and hurting you so badly.

💐good luck

charmingthebirds · 12/08/2021 10:13

This may sound a bit silly, but it worked for me facing a similar ordeal.

Take a small object with you - something belonging to your child, a lucky stone.

When you have to deal with anything stressful, have it in your non-dominant hand. When you begin to feel overwhelmed, squeeze it and say in your head 'your' phrase that you have chosen for yourself i.e. 'the truth is mine', or 'I know the truth' etc

Practicing this beforehand by yourself can help calm you as well.

Be aware that in stressful situations we don't breathe efficiently, and shallow breaths can deplete the oxygen in the bloodstream that your brain needs to function. You need to breathe in through your nose as if you are slowly filling your stomach with air, and then relax and release it. But practice first - it can make you lightheaded until you get the hang of it!

I too shall be in the gang of virtual supporters at the back of the courtroom cheering you on. All the very best, Queenie.

Queenie6655 · 12/08/2021 10:36

@charmingthebirds this is wonderful

I am going to take one of my child's small toys to put in my pocket so I can do this

Lovely idea !!!

@ElaineMarieBenes ok many thanks for this

Really appreciate the help

I can do this

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 12/08/2021 12:43

And for all the help on here guys thank you

Will never ever forget it xxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
TigersandTeddybears · 12/08/2021 19:50

I didn't have a soft toy to paw so ended up with nail marks indented in my hand at points.

I did have a mantra which was "standing in the light of my truth I am untouchable"

30degreesandmeltinghere · 12/08/2021 20:14

I can sense your confidence growing op. Take all the strength sent from here and you will be more than fine.
There is life after court but be prepared for a big come down emotionally.. All pent up stress... Has to go somewhere...
Keep accepting support from family in the weeks to come.
I had a raging headache for weeks. GP was very understanding... Offered medication but the help of a good friend and I was fine. Managed to regain lost weight. And some!!
In time gained a new dh and another dc!! Life can be good op.
Not all men are twats..
Rooting for you.

Queenie6655 · 12/08/2021 21:02

@TigersandTeddybears

I didn't have a soft toy to paw so ended up with nail marks indented in my hand at points.

I did have a mantra which was "standing in the light of my truth I am untouchable"

This is incredible

Thank you

OP posts:
IS0D0RA · 12/08/2021 21:02

It’s not about your story versus his. You are not on trial - he is.

It’s not a school debate about who is the most persuasive. It’s about the facts that can be proved to the standard required bu the court.

The CPS must feel that there is a good case against him or they wouldn’t be taking the case to court.

You don’t have to tell your story. And you need to be prepared for the possibility that you might NOT be asked about many things that you feel are important. You wont get to “ say your piece”.

You are a fact witness - you just need to answer the questions that are put to you as honestly as you can.

If you don’t understand the question, just say so.

If you are asked to speculate about things, just say that you don't know. You are there to talk about the facts as you understand them, not to give opinions.

Practice answering questions that imply that you are lying. Eg “ I put it to you that X didn’t happen , it was Y”. Just be factual and try not to get upset . Just say “ No thats not what happened / that’s incorrect “.

Remember it’s their job to ask you things like that. I know it feels personal but it doesn't mean that his counsel thinks that you are lying. They are just trying to make you look like an unreliable witness in front of the jury, to put a doubt in their minds.

It doesn't matter if you lied to him about being in a refuge. Or should have left earlier. Or shouted or swore at him. These are not criminal offences and he is the one who is being charged not you.

If you are asked about them, tell the truth. They wont make you look bad, they will make your look honest.

It doesn't matter if he has lied about you and what you have done . He is the defendent, not you. You are not on trial, he is. The jury members don’t have to think you are a perfect person, just that you are truthful.

Queenie6655 · 12/08/2021 21:02

@30degreesandmeltinghere this is so useful

I will be sure to book time off work just in case

No doubt will be so exhausted

Thank you for this reminder

OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 12/08/2021 21:08

I just gave video evidence. Is that an option for you?

Queenie6655 · 12/08/2021 21:26

No sadly not

It doesn't seem possible for me

But other witnesses can do so

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 12/08/2021 21:28

@IS0D0RA yes so very true

Will bear all of this in mind

This is also so useful and thanks for this reply xxxx

OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 12/08/2021 21:29

Oh I'm sorry to hear that. You have plenty of good advice here. You can do it! Flowers

Queenie6655 · 12/08/2021 21:53

So many good people around helping

So feel very lucky in many ways

It's about getting up and telling the truth
The facts as they happened

I was working myself up over the defence team and what they may say to me or may not ask me

I have only got control over how I respond and he clear about the facts as they happened

OP posts:
epsilonzetaeta · 12/08/2021 22:44

Hello Queenie,

I have sent you a message.

Queenie6655 · 13/08/2021 00:18

@epsilonzetaeta much appreciated xxxx

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 13/08/2021 08:56

Visualise us all behind you saying we believe you. Speak the truth.

Queenie6655 · 13/08/2021 10:11

@ChateauMargaux

Visualise us all behind you saying we believe you. Speak the truth.
Love this !!!

Such amazing advice from you all

Let's hope at the very least I get a restraining order

OP posts:
Ringsender2 · 17/08/2021 08:55

I think you'll be in your court case now OP. I hope you are OK and your part has gone as well as possible.

Queenie6655 · 18/08/2021 23:21

Thanks so much

Will keep you guys updated when it is safe to do so xxx

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 19/08/2021 09:47

We are still here... by your side... believing you ... and will still be here when it is all over.

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