New baby and stressed DH hit me with a towel

[NordicNell]

DH and I have been together for 15 years. Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.

The past year we have had an immense amount of stress in our relationship. We went through difficult fertility treatments and were lucky enough to have a perfect little baby 5 months ago. I had a difficult birth with a c-section and the recovery has been hard. Our baby also had colic for the first 3 months and I was diagnosed with post natal depression with suicidal thoughts.

The stress has been a lot for my husband and he doesn't have a lot of support. He has become increasingly aggressive in our fights and yesterday it culminated in him taking a towel and lashing it at me to silence me when I was yelling at him to stop screaming infront of our baby. It hit my back where I have a previous lower back injury and it hurts so much still today, I'm worried it will lead to longer term issues. DH wasn't sorry at first and kept saying how I am imagining it and he just lightly threw the towel at me, even though it was more like a whip. Now he apologised but says we are over and he wants nothing to do with me and I'm crazy.

I am in complete shock and disbelieve. We have always been the best couple, can communicate really well and hardly ever fight. I don't know where we go from here. I would have never ever seen this coming. He is usually the most caring person but I don't think I can ever forget this incident and him deliberating wanting to hurt me in his rage. Will it get worse? What if he can't control his rage in the future and hurts our child? I know he has been pushed to his limits so is not himself at the moment, but would this happen to every man or does he have a problem?

No it would not happen to any man and yes he has a problem. Pushing you and throwing things at you IS being violent.

Pushing you and throwing anything at you is not ok, and it's not normal. Neither is sustained screaming at a newborn, for long enough that you felt the need to intervene.
I'm sorry op but I think you need to take steps to ensure your own safety. It is well known that violent men - and if you do has been pushing you and throwing things at you he is violent - often escalate after the birth of a child.
At the very least he needs to recognise how serious this is, acknowledge it and seek help.

It isn’t normal- my husband who is hot headed has never thrown anything at me.
I would phone Women’s Aid to find out what support is available in your area.

Set your bar higher. You have not “always been the best couple”. He is abusive and you need to take action today to protect yourself and the baby.

It's not unusual for abuse to escalate following big life events, such as pregnancy and birth. You're more vulnerable and dependent, you see.

Pushing you and throwing pillows were acts of domestic violence, and now he's upped the ante. Still using "it's only a towel" as a cover/plausible deniability for his violence.

He's threatening to leave etc in order to get the upper hand back and get you begging him to stay as he's realised he went too far this time.

Let him leave. He'd be doing you a favour by going. This only gets worse.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Two things:

1. You mention he has pushed you before. This is but OK. Good men don’t push their partner.
2. Abusive men ramping up the abuse once they have small children is absolutely classic. Increased stresses (ie. having to be a grown up) + having you in a vulnerable position (ie. where they want you) so often leads to abusive men escalating their behaviour.

I’d be very worried if I were you. Worried that this is the start of worse behaviour that could be dangerous, and worried about your small baby, who he is shouting and getting physical around.

Don’t make excuses for him. This isn’t healthy or loving behaviour.

What is your real life support like? Can you confide in a relative or friend? Women’s Aid can give you advice, too.

You have forgotten or have never been told that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Youre describing domestic violence in your post. You have not been the best couple and abuse also is not about communication or a perceived lack of. It’s about power and control and this man wants absolute over you.
Pregnancy and birth are further flashpoints for such men to further show their true colours.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Can you go into a branch of Boots and ask for Ani?. You will then be directed to a consultation room where you can access support services.

Take him up on his offer to leave. Can you not see that you've minimised his behaviour over the years? Nice guys don't hit their partners ever, no matter how stressed they are. He's minimising his behaviour too - of course he is as he doesn't want to take responsibility for how he's acted.

It is very telling that you are making excuses about how stressed he has been. You have had it much, much, worse than he has and you haven't resorted to violence. I'm so sorry, but your husband is abusive and violent and this won't get better. You need him to go.

No this isn't normal. Also sounds like he's gaslighting you a bit by trying to make you think he's not done anything. Don't think he'll actually leave but I wouldn't rush to stop him if he did.

Pushing you isn't normal.
He's abusive.
Please ensure your child is safe from his temper.

@NordicNell

I'm afraid I don't agree with you about him 'not being himself' and that you and he 'have always been the best couple'.......

He has been violent in the past. Pushing you is violence and throwing things at you is violence !

So he has always been 'violent' with you, throughout the whole relationship ! Just because you don't row 'often', doesn't excuse his violent behavior !

When he's been 'stressed' at work, has he ever pushed his boss ?
Or a colleague ? Or a friend ? No ? Well there's your proof that he can control his temper, but he just doesn't want to with YOU !

I'm guessing you're usually quite happy to let him have his own way in the relationship. And it's only on the 'few' occasions you've actually stood up for yourself, and that's when he's 'pushed' you or 'thrown things' at you

I'm really sorry to tell you that not only has your 'relationship' never been 'equal' or 'violence free', it's also certainly over now. Unless you're going to be happy to still allow him to get everything he wants, when he wants, regardless of your DC's needs ? Because he will never be happy unless HE is numero uno !

Your DC will need to be 'shut up' when he wants peace, DC will need to be fed after you have seen to his needs/wants etc.
E.g. DC is in bed asleep, but your DP wants you to pick him up outside a pub after a night out. So you either have to take child in car, or leave them alone at home, otherwise DP will go 'mental' because how dare you try to prioritize anyone else over him

Or DC is unwell, and you've had no sleep or rest, your DP will never help you. As far as he's concerned, it's not his problem. But you damn well still make sure DP's meals are made, his laundry done etc etc or he will start a fight, during which, you will be abused more and more often. Every fight will escalate a bit more, until you're so terrified that you'll agree to anything to make sure he doesn't get 'angry', especially in front of the child.

Those kind of choices will be your daily nightmare if you stayed with him.

All childcare and expenses will be your problem, NOT his !
In fact you'll be 'responsible' for his 'happiness' every bloody day !
He's having a bad day at work ? It'll be your fault because nothing will ever be his fault !

Please, do not try to 'revive' this toxic relationship. It's much better to be a happy single Mum, than an abused wife.

My dh can be quite hot headed but has never pushed or thrown anything at me. It has already escalated to whipping and saying you made it up. What happens next time? What if he hits or throws something at your baby? Time to get out

You've always been the best couple? Since when is having aggressive arguments where you're pushed and shoved and thrown things at you normal or best?
🚩

Throwing pillows
Pushing
Towel whipping + gas lighting

He’s abusive, so sorry OP.

Sitting with that knowledge is very very hard.

Holy fucking shit op. He needs to go, right now.

If it was 'just' the towel then I would have said that he needs to move out until he can control himself as it's not safe around a baby. And I'd probably not want him back.

But it's far from just the hit. It's the gaslighting afterwords. He is not aggressive because he is angry - He is aggressive because he is abusive. Let him leave, let him think it's his idea. Then change the fucking locks and start divorce proceedings.

Seriously op, I'd bet if you look back you would see more examples of his headfucking gaslighting, crazymaking behaviour. And manipulative and controlling behaviour into the bargain. There should be no going back from this because he is not a nice man. And he means you harm.

OMG. First sentence. He hasn't been violent but he has pushed me and thrown pilows. What the hell are you thinking.......

You are not the perfect couple. Time to accept that truth.

Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent he HAS been violent and has been violent AGAIN.

“Besides him pushing me a few times or throwing pillows at me, he hasn’t been violent”... Yes he has.
That was violence towards you.
Please do not minimise this.

It doesn’t happen to every man and he does have a problem. The problem being that he is an aggressive bastard.

It’s brilliant that he’s said it’s over. You’ve had a lucky escape. But he’s only saying this, and that you’re crazy to try to manipulate you and gaslight you.
You need to tell him it’s over and to mean it.
This will only get worse for you.

You have forgotten or have never been told that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none
This with bells on..

You have had a C- section and post natal depression and he's towel whipping you and then gaslighting you?
And he's pushed you and thrown pillows at you previously?
Get this horrible man out of your life. He's abusive. And it will escalate

We have always been the best couple

I’ve had a few crap boyfriends in the past but not one has ever pushed me. This isn’t the ‘best’ couple.

I'm sorry but your relationship is over and you are in danger while you still live with him.
You did nothing wrong.

Only you know if he's really abusive, OP.

You both sound stressed and like you're not working well together. You were screaming at him because you wanted him to stop screaming? Not really conducive to a calm, problem-solving centric relationship is it?!

I think his idea of a bit of time apart is probably the vest thing for now