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Original poster

New baby and stressed DH hit me with a towel

211 replies

NordicNell · 07/08/2021 09:42

DH and I have been together for 15 years. Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.

The past year we have had an immense amount of stress in our relationship. We went through difficult fertility treatments and were lucky enough to have a perfect little baby 5 months ago. I had a difficult birth with a c-section and the recovery has been hard. Our baby also had colic for the first 3 months and I was diagnosed with post natal depression with suicidal thoughts.

The stress has been a lot for my husband and he doesn't have a lot of support. He has become increasingly aggressive in our fights and yesterday it culminated in him taking a towel and lashing it at me to silence me when I was yelling at him to stop screaming infront of our baby. It hit my back where I have a previous lower back injury and it hurts so much still today, I'm worried it will lead to longer term issues. DH wasn't sorry at first and kept saying how I am imagining it and he just lightly threw the towel at me, even though it was more like a whip. Now he apologised but says we are over and he wants nothing to do with me and I'm crazy.

I am in complete shock and disbelieve. We have always been the best couple, can communicate really well and hardly ever fight. I don't know where we go from here. I would have never ever seen this coming. He is usually the most caring person but I don't think I can ever forget this incident and him deliberating wanting to hurt me in his rage. Will it get worse? What if he can't control his rage in the future and hurts our child? I know he has been pushed to his limits so is not himself at the moment, but would this happen to every man or does he have a problem?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 07/08/2021 20:01

19:49pinkflamingo21 where were you before you moved in with him? You say yourself each argument gets worse. You could easily become a statistic.

magicalmama · 07/08/2021 20:06

Start moving money into a separate account and don't store the information about the account at your shared home, if you can avoid it. If not, just store the info somewhere safe.

Even if you don't do anything about it, having spare money that you can use at a moment's notice that he has no knowledge of will help you if you ever find you're in need.

Have friends houses and parents or other families houses that you stay over at regularly. If you never do this, you should start doing it now. Stay one night at your mum's with the baby, or one night at a friends. Normalise this behaviour.

Then if you ever find you're in a situation where you need to get out quickly at short notice, you can do it in an unnoticeable way and be safe.

Give yourself options. Pushing you is not normal.^ His behaviour is not^ normal.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 07/08/2021 20:17

@pinkflamingo21 you can phone Women’s Aid and look at the freedom programme. Make sure he doesn’t find out as he will escalate his behaviour.

Are you renting or did you buy your house?

Have you got photos of the bruises? You can call the police, you know.

The thing is also, does he go around hurting friends? People at work? Family? I bet not. Would you tolerate it if a member of the public tried strangling you or grabbing your wrists and bruising you? You wouldn’t, you would call the police. It’s no different.

mathanxiety · 07/08/2021 20:19

You can't control this.

You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.

These are the three C's of living with an alcoholic but they work well for trauma inflicted by a partner.

He warned you over the years of pillow throwing, etc, what he was capable of.

Now he is out in the open. He is telling you at point blank range who he is and what your future with him will look like, and your baby's too.

It's shitty to have to make the decision that faces you. You will have to face the end of a relationship you invested many years in, and much emotion.

But the alternative is to drag a baby into a life with a man who hits the baby's mother and won't control himself, a man who uses the physical strength bestowed by intense anger to frighten you into silence.

Protect your baby by ending the relationship. There is no other way to achieve this purpose.

pinkflamingo21 · 07/08/2021 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellie56 · 07/08/2021 20:44

Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.

Er no. Everyone does not have small fights and pushing and throwing things is being violent.

We have always been the best couple

You most definitely are not the best couple.

but would this happen to every man or does he have a problem?

No it would not happen with every man and he definitely has a problem.He is an abusive knob and you need to take your baby and leave before it gets worse.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 07/08/2021 20:55

@pinkflamingo21 worried about being lonely isn’t a reason to stay in an abusive relationship. I know that’s easy to say but it’s true.

category12 · 07/08/2021 21:04

@pinkflamingo21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Going into a refuge might be a good step for you. You'd have support and a chance to start afresh.

Why do you have no friends? Has he isolated you from people?

pinkflamingo21 · 07/08/2021 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 21:25

@pinkflamingo21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.
If you have no friends, family or job keeping you where you are and you KNOW your DH is an abuser who you can never bring children into the world with, please think about going to a refuge. You will be safe. Perhaps you can move somewhere else in the country away from him for a fresh start?
pinkflamingo21 · 07/08/2021 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

category12 · 07/08/2021 21:33

Do you want to be the person in the ground and the photo in the paper?

pinkflamingo21 · 07/08/2021 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

category12 · 07/08/2021 21:40

There is tho. www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

You can turn your life around, you can have better than this.

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 21:40

@pinkflamingo21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Well, it needs to matter to you. Refuges will help-that is literacy what they are there for.
Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 21:40

Literally

pinkflamingo21 · 07/08/2021 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/08/2021 21:47

@pinkflamingo21

Nobody can force you but you're making a mistake staying with him.

Don't get pregnant with this man. Take full control of your contraception.

I bet when things are 'good' he tells you it would be amazing to have a baby together soon doesnt he?

pinkflamingo21 · 07/08/2021 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bitcheeky · 07/08/2021 23:10

Sending hugs OP. Hope you get some sleep.

Umberellatheweatha · 08/08/2021 07:05

Your baby will care if it grows up without a mum. Or in a household where its mum us miserable.

Even if it's the case that 'no one would care'...what about you? I mean I couldn't give a fuck if no one cared if I died. Your value is not based on other peoples feelings. What about your feelings!? Hell, in halfway through a tv series with my fave actor. I'd be fucking pissed off if some asshole bumped me off. And you, you have a kid that I'm sure you'd like to see grow up.

Plus, you're really young. Plenty of time to meet nice people who will love you. Also, statistically speaking it's highly unlikely you would remain single forever, just considering your age. And hopefully the next one wont gone a test that cant keep his hands to himself.

Stop telling yourself you can't do things. You literally grew a baby and went through all that trauma getting her out. Theres sod all that you cant do. You're a bloody queen. I cant open a sodding jar of pickles. You're ace girl, love yourself. You matter. No matter what any other wanker thinks or doesn't think.

Umberellatheweatha · 08/08/2021 07:07

*the next one wont be a jerk that can't

Binnaggy · 08/08/2021 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 08/08/2021 08:08

He’s pushed you in the past and now he’s lashing out at you with a towel. What comes next, he lashes out with a fist ?
Also I note that you said you were yelling at him to stop screaming at you in front of the baby.
You need to leave him , not make excuses for him just get your shit together and leave, or make him leave, doesn’t matter which.
Carry on like this and it won’t be long before social services come knocking on your door. This behaviour in front of your baby is so far from being ok I can’t understand why you can’t see that. Is this the environment you want your child to grow up in?

Original poster
NordicNell · 08/08/2021 09:23

I went to stay with my dad's and called a helpline last night. DH is full of remorse today and says he can't remember the episode but believes me now and is so scared about his own behaviour. He promised to get help but also talks about not being able to live with himself and will plan a suicide.

OP posts: