Page 3 | New baby and stressed DH hit me with a towel

frazzledasarock · 07/08/2021 12:36

He’s pushed you, thrown pillows at you and is now whipping you with a towel of course he’s abusive and he is escalating the abuse.

It is domestic violence 101 domestic violence escalates when women have a baby.

He’s not really going to leave he’s trying to get you into line and you’ll beg him to not leave then next time when he’s more violent he will tell you you’re the crazy bitch and made him do it when he wanted to leave.

Start divorce proceedings. Leave him.

Get your back seen to and tell your health visitor and GP how you back injury happened so it’s on record.

TheFoundations · 07/08/2021 12:38

Even without the violence, having your partner say that your relationship is over and they want nothing to do with you because you're crazy is enough on it's own.

Accept his termination of the relationship. If he meant it, there's nothing else you can do, and if he didn't, it was a very nasty piece of manipulation. You don't want a partner who manipulates like that.

You're not crazy. Sometimes people act crazy when they're being treated in a toxic way. I suspect this is what's happening here, and your willingness to blame yourself and let him off the hook is why you're still together. Do you have a feeling deep inside of 'I know I'm not always the easiest person to be with...'?

Biancadelrioisback · 07/08/2021 13:42

I've been with DH about 10 years and we are both very hot headed. We've had massive blazing rows in the past but NEVER have we ever been physical with each other

Polkadots2021 · 07/08/2021 13:48

@NordicNell

DH and I have been together for 15 years. Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.

The past year we have had an immense amount of stress in our relationship. We went through difficult fertility treatments and were lucky enough to have a perfect little baby 5 months ago. I had a difficult birth with a c-section and the recovery has been hard. Our baby also had colic for the first 3 months and I was diagnosed with post natal depression with suicidal thoughts.

The stress has been a lot for my husband and he doesn't have a lot of support. He has become increasingly aggressive in our fights and yesterday it culminated in him taking a towel and lashing it at me to silence me when I was yelling at him to stop screaming infront of our baby. It hit my back where I have a previous lower back injury and it hurts so much still today, I'm worried it will lead to longer term issues. DH wasn't sorry at first and kept saying how I am imagining it and he just lightly threw the towel at me, even though it was more like a whip. Now he apologised but says we are over and he wants nothing to do with me and I'm crazy.

I am in complete shock and disbelieve. We have always been the best couple, can communicate really well and hardly ever fight. I don't know where we go from here. I would have never ever seen this coming. He is usually the most caring person but I don't think I can ever forget this incident and him deliberating wanting to hurt me in his rage. Will it get worse? What if he can't control his rage in the future and hurts our child? I know he has been pushed to his limits so is not himself at the moment, but would this happen to every man or does he have a problem?

He's violent to you, and violent to you when you are with your baby and also violent to you when you're vulnerable. Take up his offer of this relationship being over and do NOT let him back into your life. Of course he says you're crazy, he's an abusive gaslighter. That's what they all say.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 13:49

He's told you your relationship is over. He's told you he doesn't respect you. He's shown you his violence will escalate.

Please pay attention to these clear and obvious signs and do what you need to to protect yourself and your innocent baby.

Original poster

NordicNell · 07/08/2021 15:04

Thanks everyone for your comments. I sent this thread to him, hoping that it will make him realise how his behaviour is very serious and not invented by me. He got very defensive, said that the message I wrote was completely one sided and continues to deny that he whipped me with the towel. It is true that I have also yelled at him several times and have been very difficult to be around. But seeing how many of you say that even when arguing none of your partners have been aggressive or violent makes me see how wrong his behaviour is. I wish he could see it too. I'm so sad for our daughter and really don't know what happens next, but this can't continue like this.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/08/2021 15:08

Be sad for your daughter being raised in a toxic environment where adults fight instead of talk and where those fights turn physical.

Don't be sad for breaking up. Don't do the 'staying together for the kids' thing when actually it often means staying together because you don't want to be sad, so sacrifice your children having a safe, secure home to live in and teach them terrible lessons when it comes to what a relationship looks like.

It's not normal to argue loads in a relationship. At all. I think your perception of what a solid relationship looks like is really off.

frazzledasarock · 07/08/2021 15:28

Why on earth would you send an abuser a thread you started for help from his abuse?

You’re life is rapidly descend into a typical DV relationship, he’s abusing you his physical abuse is rapidly escalating and you’re sending him links to threads giving him more ammunition.

I feel so incredibly sorry for your baby.

kikipie · 07/08/2021 15:35

What @frazzledasarock said

Kanaloa · 07/08/2021 15:37

Awful and disgusting.

If you have to say ‘other than’ before explaining he’s never been violent then he is violent. That’s who he is, non violent people don’t occasionally lash out violently at their partners. Hopefully you can leave quickly.

Kanaloa · 07/08/2021 15:39

Oh so you’ve shown him this thread. Don’t know how clever that idea was really.

I would just watch out for your baby in the future as best you can. If you think he hit you because you’re ‘difficult to be around’ then know that young children are possibly the most contrary and difficult people in the world. He will likely become violent to the baby as well as she gets older.

PearlclutchersInc · 07/08/2021 15:42

When he says you're done, it sounds like he's got the right idea. He knows he shouldnt have behaved like that, equally you shouldnt have either.

The fact is you're not good together - finish it now before it all escalates - again.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 07/08/2021 15:44

continues to deny that he whipped me with the towel.

But you know he did.

So he's lying and gas lighting.

Men who are abusive rarely change bit they definitely aren't likely tonwgen they lie and gas light about their actions. Because they're taking no real responsibility.

There's a programme for men who have been physical/violent/abusive- maybe someone can post the name as ive forgotten it - but it's for when they admit it and want to change; he doesn't sound like he does at all.

The pushing and throwing stuff during arguments at you was a big flag tbh. He's escalated under stressful circumstances to hitting, even if its with an object, rather than directly. But the capacity was clearly always always there, as seen in the pushing etc.

Even pushing or throwing stuff, you can hurt someone.. especially a man because they're significantly stronger and usually larger. He was risking hurting you back then .. what if you'd stumbled and hit your head off something. I bet he never truly apologised once for those either.

burritofan · 07/08/2021 15:44

What happens next is you need to get away from him as fast as possible – you’ve shown your abuser this thread about his abuse. I can’t imagine he’s going to react well. (Not blaming you for anything he does as a result, btw.)

Get together passport, child’s birth certificate, bank accounts, and get ready to leave.

beastlyslumber · 07/08/2021 15:46

As everyone said, he is abusive. You need some help to understand what that means - the freedom programme would be a good place to start.

Sending him the thread was a bad idea. You're giving him a lot of ammunition to use against you. He's not going to 'see the light' - he is an abuser. He will continue to abuse you by whatever means he has - physical, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual etc.

I suggest getting MN to take this thread down and posting again under a different name so that you can continue to get support. A lot of women here have been through abusive relationships and can help you get out, OP.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 07/08/2021 15:46

Why on earth would you send an abuser a thread you started for help from his abuse?

Stop being obtuse and unhelpful, and bullying am already distressed op.

Same fir other comments about it not being clever.

It's obvious why op did it.

Ots pretty pointless as he's demonstrated but it's obvious why she did it.

She doesn't need bullied on here too.

beastlyslumber · 07/08/2021 15:48

@burritofan

What happens next is you need to get away from him as fast as possible – you’ve shown your abuser this thread about his abuse. I can’t imagine he’s going to react well. (Not blaming you for anything he does as a result, btw.)

Get together passport, child’s birth certificate, bank accounts, and get ready to leave.

Yes, I think this is wise.

Have you got somewhere to go, OP? Family, friends? Is he still living with you (you said he's called the relationship over)? If he's left, change the locks. Get someone to come and stay with you. Otherwise, get your baby and go.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2021 15:48

Thanks everyone for your comments. I sent this thread to him, hoping that it will make him realise how his behaviour is very serious and not invented by me.

This was a huge mistake, and will only make things worse. You need to kick him out and end it.

RavingAnnie · 07/08/2021 15:48

@AndSoFinally

Only you know if he's really abusive, OP.

You both sound stressed and like you're not working well together. You were screaming at him because you wanted him to stop screaming? Not really conducive to a calm, problem-solving centric relationship is it?!

I think his idea of a bit of time apart is probably the vest thing for now

This.

beastlyslumber · 07/08/2021 15:50

Ots pretty pointless as he's demonstrated but it's obvious why she did it.

I think it's more that people are worried about how he's now going to react and are trying to warn OP to keep safe. It's not about blaming her - she is obviously trying to see this man in the best light and hoping that he will change.

Hen2018 · 07/08/2021 15:52

This person is not your friend.

Don’t show or discuss anything else with him.

He’s a nasty, lying, abusive and now gaslighting individual.

Call Women’s Aid for advice.

He’s not fit to be near or a baby. What a bastard.

Cleverpolly3 · 07/08/2021 15:53

The shoving and tripping escalate. One day it becomes being pinned against a wall, one or two hands up round your throat.

You will always be to blame for it it will never be his fault. He will own his action but only insofar to gaslight into believing you are the catalyst so he’s not really to blame for however awful he really was it’s really you that’s crazy

You will be trapped in fight or flight
He doesn’t really want you to leave he’s calling your bluff. He wants you there in this hamster wheel so he doesn’t have to look at himself in the mirror. If you do go - abs you should - then the next victim will soon take your place because your not really either special you were just the food supply for this abuse.

Take all of the above as true and a plea to go before there’s another baby and you’re even more trapped. Then another and possibly another.
Go.
You don’t get to chose how it ends unless you leave. He will never let you function as a healthy happy adult.

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 15:54

@Aquamarine1029

Thanks everyone for your comments. I sent this thread to him, hoping that it will make him realise how his behaviour is very serious and not invented by me.

This was a huge mistake, and will only make things worse. You need to kick him out and end it.

I doubt telling the OP to kick him out is helpful, unless the house is solely in her name and paid for by her, which I haven’t seen written anywhere.

I cannot see this relationship lasting and would be thinking about practical ways to separate. Finding solutions to work, bills, housing etc

WhiskeyGalore212 · 07/08/2021 15:59

@beastlyslumber

Ots pretty pointless as he's demonstrated but it's obvious why she did it.

I think it's more that people are worried about how he's now going to react and are trying to warn OP to keep safe. It's not about blaming her - she is obviously trying to see this man in the best light and hoping that he will change.

Concern wasn't the tone of those posts.

I agree however that op was hoping showing her h the thread would make him see the light but it won't. He's still lying, denying, minimising, gas lighting.... and is extremely likely to continue.

With the pushing and throwing stuff in the background, now this hut with an object to op, who has birth etc injuries, ... I wouldn't like to wager on the future, the pressure abd stress with kids continues in one fashion or anotger (though a bit lower usually admittedly past two or three) and op might end up.having a second, since most people try for at least two .... and there's apt of potential for this and worse.

Cleverpolly3 · 07/08/2021 16:00

@AndSoFinally

Only you know if he's really abusive, OP.

You both sound stressed and like you're not working well together. You were screaming at him because you wanted him to stop screaming? Not really conducive to a calm, problem-solving centric relationship is it?!

I think his idea of a bit of time apart is probably the vest thing for now

Only the OP knows if he’s abusive? What a load of rubbish. It’s clear as day he is abusive This woman had a traumatic delivery and recovery, the hell of colic and diagnosed medical mental health illnesses. What kind of man does that to a woman whose been through all this in order to bring their baby into the world. It’s my bet he’ll wheel her mental health out if she dares leave. Men like him alway do. It’s called smoke screening and deflection and is a reminder as to how low these scumbags are.

He doesn’t want time apart. He wants her to think he does, panic and gloss over the cracks

Don’t try and apply normal reciprocal relationship constructs to a relationship contaminated with abuse and control.