New baby and stressed DH hit me with a towel

[NordicNell]

DH and I have been together for 15 years. Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.

The past year we have had an immense amount of stress in our relationship. We went through difficult fertility treatments and were lucky enough to have a perfect little baby 5 months ago. I had a difficult birth with a c-section and the recovery has been hard. Our baby also had colic for the first 3 months and I was diagnosed with post natal depression with suicidal thoughts.

The stress has been a lot for my husband and he doesn't have a lot of support. He has become increasingly aggressive in our fights and yesterday it culminated in him taking a towel and lashing it at me to silence me when I was yelling at him to stop screaming infront of our baby. It hit my back where I have a previous lower back injury and it hurts so much still today, I'm worried it will lead to longer term issues. DH wasn't sorry at first and kept saying how I am imagining it and he just lightly threw the towel at me, even though it was more like a whip. Now he apologised but says we are over and he wants nothing to do with me and I'm crazy.

I am in complete shock and disbelieve. We have always been the best couple, can communicate really well and hardly ever fight. I don't know where we go from here. I would have never ever seen this coming. He is usually the most caring person but I don't think I can ever forget this incident and him deliberating wanting to hurt me in his rage. Will it get worse? What if he can't control his rage in the future and hurts our child? I know he has been pushed to his limits so is not himself at the moment, but would this happen to every man or does he have a problem?

You are stronger than you think. You have posted on here, that's your first step.

What other people think does not matter, any one who would judge is not worth worrying about. No one else is as interested in your life as you are, believe me. And you do not know what other people are going through. Abuse thrives in secrecy and you have nothing to be ashamed of. .

You have to get away, you are at significant risk from what you have said. He may kill you

@pinkflamingo21, please read this www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

You are in real danger from this man, he could easily kill you without actually intending to by grabbing you around the neck. It's a huge red flag for future lethal violence.

[edited by MNHQ - quotes withdrawn post]

@pinkflamingo21 You can leave. You're strong enough. You need to break this down into little steps. You have some family, I gather? Is there one person you can talk to and trust? Yes, they will want you to leave your abuser - that's good, they're on your side. Tell them you need help, that you don't feel strong enough on your own.

You don't get strong overnight. You get strong by doing one little thing at a time. Talking to someone you trust is a good first step, but if that's too much right now, try keeping a diary of the abusive things that are happening in your relationship, so you are keeping hold of reality. Get your ID, birth certificate and passport and put them in a safe place. Maybe pack a bag of essential things and store it somewhere, a family member's house. So you know if you need to leave in a hurry, you've got essential stuff ready. And start saving money.

If even that seems too drastic right now, or even if it doesn't, have a look at the freedom programme and start there - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

He's not the one for you, love. No one who hurts you physically and emotionally is the one. No one who makes you feel weak and afraid is the one.

Erm OP if he’s leaving let him go, he assaulted you during an argument- I don’t know what reason you would have to stay tbh

Pinkflamingo21 what you describing sounds like trauma bonding and can happen in abusive relationships. It's nothing you want to hold on to.

You have no real ties to him, get out and start living your life. .

You're not going to argue him into changing, not matter how many threads you send him.

He says it's over, fine, accept it and move on.

Personal question @pinkflamingo21 but are you planning to have kids one day? Because if you are, imagine his hands around their neck. Imagine him shoving them when they are naughty. Imagine him telling them he could kill them and them being terrified. That's who you would be actively choosing to be their father. Many women don't know their partner is an abuser until pregnancy. You have full knowledge now that you're in an abusive relationship. Even if you didn't want kids you should leave immediately, obviously, but I thought that it might help encourage you to do so imagining a man with that temper as a father.

@pinkflamingo21 what you are writing is terrifying, he could kill you one day. I don’t think you realise how wrong this all is and how not normal or healthy this is.

He is not ‘the one’, he isn’t even close. Don’t be another statistic in the news.

@pinkflamingo21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

No you haven't. You haven't been great as a couple since. You just haven't pissed him off enough in the last few days for him to be violent again and / or he's worked out he can only go that far every X number of days so he's in the nice bit of the cycle now. Google the abuse cycle and see if it feels familiar - does this picture feel like your life?

The nice-nasty cycle is part of abuse. So you might feel things have been great since, but you know that it'll come round again. And next time it might be more than bruises.

In a loving relationship, there isn't fear. What sort of relationships did you see growing up?

Pinkflamingo the nice nasty cycle is the cycle of abuse. Every time hes horrible (and over time the horrible will become more horrible) that is followed by the nice and you think " that's it, he knows that he was wrong and things are now ok". Things will never be ok, he is an abuser. This is who he is.

I wasted many years of my life with a similar horror. He did not show his true colours until I had a baby with him. You're lucky you know now. ifyou stay he will ruin, or end, your life.

Speak to one person you trust about this, when he is not around. That will give you strength to take the next steps.

You can and will do it, you are much stronger than you think

If you stay with this man and have children with him, that cycle will happen to yet another generation @pinkflamingo21

What @updownroundandround says in her detailed and accurate post.

When you grow up around abuse, you don't get to build a proper "shark cage" so you're more vulnerable to ending up in similar relationships. www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.*
Not everyone has "small fights," and pushing you and throwing things are not normal behaviours, and are in fact violent.
Sadly this sort of behaviour almost always escalates once there is a baby. This is because a bully senses weakness .
Probably best you don't hang around.

Is there a friend you can go to, or your mum/ dad? Just until you can sort yourself out. Is he out of the house so you can speak to them? That real liffe supprt will make everything less overwhelimg.

Ber careful, don't show him anything has changed, and put this thread on privacy mode so he can't read it.

Switch to incognito in browsing?

Are you working? What's the housing situation?

You could potentially go into a refuge temporarily and sort out what you're going to do from there.

I'm not techy and it will depend on what device you're using. If he may look at what you're doing online delete the thread, that may be safer.

Basically dont give him any heads up, privacy mode may look suspicious to him if he's techy and you don'tusually use it.