New baby and stressed DH hit me with a towel

[NordicNell]

DH and I have been together for 15 years. Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.

The past year we have had an immense amount of stress in our relationship. We went through difficult fertility treatments and were lucky enough to have a perfect little baby 5 months ago. I had a difficult birth with a c-section and the recovery has been hard. Our baby also had colic for the first 3 months and I was diagnosed with post natal depression with suicidal thoughts.

The stress has been a lot for my husband and he doesn't have a lot of support. He has become increasingly aggressive in our fights and yesterday it culminated in him taking a towel and lashing it at me to silence me when I was yelling at him to stop screaming infront of our baby. It hit my back where I have a previous lower back injury and it hurts so much still today, I'm worried it will lead to longer term issues. DH wasn't sorry at first and kept saying how I am imagining it and he just lightly threw the towel at me, even though it was more like a whip. Now he apologised but says we are over and he wants nothing to do with me and I'm crazy.

I am in complete shock and disbelieve. We have always been the best couple, can communicate really well and hardly ever fight. I don't know where we go from here. I would have never ever seen this coming. He is usually the most caring person but I don't think I can ever forget this incident and him deliberating wanting to hurt me in his rage. Will it get worse? What if he can't control his rage in the future and hurts our child? I know he has been pushed to his limits so is not himself at the moment, but would this happen to every man or does he have a problem?

I have been with my DH for over 20 years. Not once has an argument involved him pushing me, lashing out, throwing things or laying his hands on me in any way.

Not once has he called me names, been abusive or personally nasty towards me. It is possible to disagree with someone without resorting to screaming vitriol at them.

You are so far from being the perfect couple that it worries me to think you can't see this and that you actually think his behaviour is normal and what most men do. It's not.

Tell him Yes. It is indeed over. My baby and I will not live with a man who is violent, aggressive and cannot control himself.

I'd get a solicitor and if he comes anywhere near you again phone the police.

but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent

That is violent.

Sadly many men only show their true colours when the baby arrives! As somewhere I read that it is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage! Loss of sleep ,adjusting to being on call 24/7 takes its toll .However this most certainly does NOT excuse his behaviour which is violent .Your RL sounds somewhat explosive TBH. Minimiliising this sort of behaviour doesnt really help .I would look int Divorce and how to keep yout baby safe if he has Access .Maybe some supervised visits?

You need to separate.
You are yelling at him.
He has pushed you in the past
He hurt you with the towel
He will again
Baby caught in crossfire
Leave

The first paragraph of your post is really sad.
That’s NOT normal or like most couples
DH has never thrown something at me or even near me.
Your H is a d always has been violent and now he is escalating, which I dint think is unusual after a baby arrives

He has always been abusive, he is just ramping up what was already there.

If he is saying you are over then I wouldn’t stop him from going

My DH is hot headed and can see red very quickly but he has never and would never display any violence towards me at all. No pushing, shoving, whipping. He doesn't even shout at me.

I know it must be hard to hear but your DH is abusive and it will only get worse. You must put your and your baby first and leave him. It is easier to minimise his behaviour right now and keep everything the same but it will get harder and harder over time.

Please search for other threads from women about their experience with domestic abuse and what happens when a push/shove etc ends up in a few weeks/months/years.

Also look at the freedom programme online - it may help you understand that your DHs behaviour isnt and hasnt ever been normal.

The only acceptable amount of violence in a relationship is none - absolutely none at all.

Good uick

He's not violent apart from when he's violent. Read that back to yourself.

You're arguing, yelling at each other and he shoves you, throws things at you and has now escalated to hitting you with something.

This relationship needs to be over before he seriously hurts you and before your child is adversely affected by growing up in this household.

It would be best if he does leave. His pushing / yelling at the baby and you / thowing a towel are either a) beyond his control he is SO angry or b) he is doing them intentionally. Think about that. Either a) he can't control his anger and therefore can't gaurantee he won't hurt your baby or b) he is choosing to shout and throw things. Either way, he's a poor excuse for a DH and father.

When do you go back to work and who owns the house you live in? Can you afford to pay housing costs for you and the baby?

DH most likely has ASD (he’s never been assessed but we think it very likely). He finds change, and being out of control, very stressful. Our DS was an appalling sleeper and I had PND, and DH found it incredibly tough.

He never touched me. Not once. He’s never thrown anything at me. Never pushed. Never once laid a finger on me. He doesn’t get any prizes for that, by the way - he’s just a decent man.

So no, this is not normal and it is not ok. And it doesn’t happen to every man. I’m so sorry op. But it’s not ok.

I know he has been pushed to his limits so is not himself at the moment, but would this happen to every man or does he have a problem?

Fuck off making excuses for him. He is an abuser.

Get him to leave, you need breathing space.
Then sort out the splitting up bits.
If you feel frightened or threatened by him, call the police.

Does he push and throw things at colleagues when he disagrees with them? Towel whip his boss? His mates?

Please don’t try and normalise this. It is completely beyond the limit of acceptable behaviour. Tbh, the ‘pushing and throwing pillows’ should have been your signal to get the hell out.

Do you want to bring up your baby in a house with aggression, yelling and screaming so that he or she will set their standards at a similarly low bar?

New parenthood is tiring and stressful. Nonetheless it is absolutely not an excuse to behave in the way you describe. You should be looking to separate.

Echoing all PPs that yes he's been violent previously and is ramping up now.

2 things:
1 - where is he now? I'm hoping he stormed out and went to family. You need to think about your safety and that of your baby. He has already hurt you badly then completely denied it, trying to make you think you've imagined or exaggerated the situation.
2 - you said you are still in pain tye day after and that you had an existing injury in this area. I really think you should seek medical attention. I would go to a walk in clinic, take baby with you. If you tell the doctor there what happened, they WILL help you. Your health visitor should also be able to assist - they are all trained in safeguarding.

Even if you don't want to report this officially right at this minute, I do think you should seek medical help. At least call 111.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. He's gaslighting you as well as being violent, by saying you're over and you're crazy. He's hoping you fall at his feet and beg for him not to leave you.

Don't fall for it. DO leave him. Safely. He is abusing you.

DH and I had a horribly hard time when our first was born. I had a traumatic birth and post natal anxiety as a result. Our baby was injured, then screamed and refused to feed or sleep through her first few months with silent reflux and her first year was hell. We had our rows and disagreements but he never pushed me, threw anything at me or otherwise raised a finger to me.

A difficult and stressful time is NO excuse for violence or aggression. There is no excuse.

Have you got support in RL? Please don't stay with a man who treats you (or your child!) like this.

That sounds like a stressful home life with him screaming and you yelling then him lashing out.

Aside from whether you decide to stay with him you need some support in place. Do you have anyone who can have the baby for an afternoon? I would also look into childminder a day a week - mine went from that age as I had to work. Could you look at other ways to reduce stress - cleaner? Take it in turns to take baby out the house so you both get time off?

'He's not violent, except for x and y occasions when he was violent', and 'He's been really stressed recently' are the ways in which you are excusing his history and a physically violent attack yesterday which is still hurting you today.

Why are you excusing him?

Echo what has been said by most pps. Any pushing, throwing or hitting with a towel is abusive behaviour and not even one incident is ok. I am wondering how you are feeling hearing that feedback, OP? Do you agree? Or maybe it’s really hard to take that in. You were rightly worried about him shouting around your baby so sounds like you understand that’s not ok for your child - I hope you can consider that it’s not ok for either of you. You will receive lots of support here

We have always been the best couple, can communicate really well and hardly ever fight.

Yet you've had fights in the past which have led to his becoming physical, and on this occasion you had a fight where you were shouting and screaming at each other in front of your baby. That doesn't sound like communicating really well to me, let alone "hardly ever" fighting.

Now he apologised but says we are over and he wants nothing to do with me

To be honest, I think you should welcome that. He's someone who resorts to violence when stressed. You don't need that in your baby's life.

besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent

That IS violence. He'll get worse.

@AndSoFinally

Only you know if he's really abusive, OP.

You both sound stressed and like you're not working well together. You were screaming at him because you wanted him to stop screaming? Not really conducive to a calm, problem-solving centric relationship is it?!

I think his idea of a bit of time apart is probably the vest thing for now

What a load of victim blaming shit. Shame on you for posting this. It's not a matter of opinion if he's abusive.

HE IS ABUSIVE

He is violent towards the op. Violence is abuse. It's not a grey area.

None of my partners have ever thrown anything at me or pushed me. None. No matter what we were arguing about it how angry they were.

This is not an all men problem, it’s a your DP problem. And you should take him up on his offer to have nothing more to do with him.

The violence is escalating and will continue to do so as he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

you need to educate on what abuse and violence is. It is not just being punched or phyiscally hit with fists...it is having things thrown at you, verbally insulted, pushed, shoved etc etc. You and your DH have a very unhealthy relationship and it is not good for a DC being brought up in this nightmare.