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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New baby and stressed DH hit me with a towel

211 replies

NordicNell · 07/08/2021 09:42

DH and I have been together for 15 years. Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.

The past year we have had an immense amount of stress in our relationship. We went through difficult fertility treatments and were lucky enough to have a perfect little baby 5 months ago. I had a difficult birth with a c-section and the recovery has been hard. Our baby also had colic for the first 3 months and I was diagnosed with post natal depression with suicidal thoughts.

The stress has been a lot for my husband and he doesn't have a lot of support. He has become increasingly aggressive in our fights and yesterday it culminated in him taking a towel and lashing it at me to silence me when I was yelling at him to stop screaming infront of our baby. It hit my back where I have a previous lower back injury and it hurts so much still today, I'm worried it will lead to longer term issues. DH wasn't sorry at first and kept saying how I am imagining it and he just lightly threw the towel at me, even though it was more like a whip. Now he apologised but says we are over and he wants nothing to do with me and I'm crazy.

I am in complete shock and disbelieve. We have always been the best couple, can communicate really well and hardly ever fight. I don't know where we go from here. I would have never ever seen this coming. He is usually the most caring person but I don't think I can ever forget this incident and him deliberating wanting to hurt me in his rage. Will it get worse? What if he can't control his rage in the future and hurts our child? I know he has been pushed to his limits so is not himself at the moment, but would this happen to every man or does he have a problem?

OP posts:
Original poster
NordicNell · 08/08/2021 09:25

I feel like he crossed the line and there's no going back. I am looking into seperating.

OP posts:
Debetswell · 08/08/2021 09:26

I'm afraid to say that threatening suicide is another way to avoid taking responsibility.
You should tell him that if he does threaten suicide then you will have to call the police to check on him.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 08/08/2021 09:33

Please do not let him manipulate you with the ‘plan his suicide’ bs . He refused to acknowledge his behaviour, now upon seeing other people’s reaction to his behaviour as well as you staying at your Dads for the night, he’s full of remorse and bringing up suicidal thoughts.
Maybe he will get help, maybe he’s saying that to get you back home which is the more likely reason.
How long can you stay at your Dads? I wouldn’t be going back to him. He’s an abusive manipulative man and has no place in you or your daughters life.

irishoak · 08/08/2021 09:34

@NordicNell

I went to stay with my dad's and called a helpline last night. DH is full of remorse today and says he can't remember the episode but believes me now and is so scared about his own behaviour. He promised to get help but also talks about not being able to live with himself and will plan a suicide.
the longer I'm on mumsnet and the more I look back at my own relationship, I can only come to the conclusion that these men do have a script that they all share with each other, because it's exactly the same shite.

he remembered it well enough yesterday when he was telling you that you remembered it wrong. he might "get help", but it won't actually help or change anything. he won't kill himself, because he doesn't really think he's done anything wrong, and I'm sure he'll manage to live with himself just fine to carry on doing this to you/the next woman.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 08/08/2021 09:35

Totally agree with Debetswell , if he threatens self harm tell him you will need to call the police to do a welfare check on him. Just see how quick he knocks that shit on the head

Terhou · 08/08/2021 09:36

DSis's arsehole controlling boyfriend used to use the suicide threat whenever she seriously thought of leaving, he even went to the trouble of taking an attention-seeking non-fatal overdose. Eventually she did manage to leave him, he made the same threats, but surprise surprise never put them into effect. He's still very much alive and horrible, but fortunately right out of DSis's life.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/08/2021 09:36

Of course he can remember it. He’s lying. If dh said I’d done something I had no memory of I’d question it especially if it was something criminal like this.

Threatening suicide is classic manipulation. People who commit suicide don’t give their loved ones time to talk them out of it, they go off and do it.

pinkyredrose · 08/08/2021 09:37

DH is full of remorse today and says he can't remember the episode but believes me now and is so scared about his own behaviour. He promised to get help but also talks about not being able to live with himself and will plan a suicide

He's still abusing you by threatening suicide to manipulate you to back down. Abusers are always full of 'remorse'. Until the next time.

100PercentMe · 08/08/2021 09:37

OP, he is trying to manipulate you with threats of suicide. It's classic. He is not your responsibility. He is responsible for his own behaviour. If you stay away long enough (ie a few days/ week) you will notice he ramps up the 'poor me, I'm sorry' and so on - to calling you names and further verbal abuse- ie his true colours. Hopefully then you will see him for what he is.
Don't show him more of these threads, they won't make any difference and will weaken your own position.
He is who he is- a nasty violent man. (Yes he may have 'good points'Hmm, but that doesn't make it ok to be violent or ok for you to put up with it).
Good luck and take care.

Undersnatch · 08/08/2021 09:40

Well done OP, taking action how you have. Like others have said, read a few threads on here to see how many women have had the same experience with abusive men - being harmed, then attempts to pretend it didn’t happen, then faux remorse and suicidal feelings. Even if he does feel genuinely suicidal, this is not your responsibility at all. If he really means all this he will go and get help from the right people and not use his feelings to try to control you. Just keep going - there will be so much advice and support here for you.

100PercentMe · 08/08/2021 09:49

The 'remorse' is also part of the cycle of abuse. It serves functions of keeping the heightened emotions going- and the drama that entails- and confusion of your emotions from dismay at his behaviour, to feeling sorry for him, to stop you thinking straight; and to reel you back in - which is easy because of your confused emotions. Until the next time. And rinse and repeat.
But you can break out of it and refuse to engage. Maybe google 'grey rock technique' and other posters here can also help.
Firstly though, could you start to get your 'ducks in a row' re finances etc, and stop answering his calls and texts so that you can focus on yourself and your baby- who must be benefitting from the peace now- and start to think straight, for yourself to plan your way forward.

Original poster
NordicNell · 08/08/2021 10:10

I just never thought I would be in this situation. Before I got pregnant we had scerak years of no fighting whatsoever and we were so in love. I always thought the throwing of a pillow years ago was a red flag and thought he was just testing his limits when being angry but would never ever actually hurt me. I feel so betrayed by him and I understand why it is so hard to leave someone who you love and have built a family with. I do wonder if there are ever cases where the man gets help and actually can change or if it's all over.

OP posts:
Original poster
NordicNell · 08/08/2021 10:10

*several

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 08/08/2021 10:12

More manipulative bs from him. You decide to leave so they threaten suicide. Standard.

If he starts spouting that shit as a threat then just call and give the ambulance ppl a heads up and leave it to them to decide how deal with it. It'll soon put stop to that bullshit when he gets charged with wasting their time.

Oh and 'he believes me now'. He always believed you. He just didn't want you to know that he knew he did it. That's the gaslighting for you. Not sure there is any help for being an abusive dickhead but good luck him. Let him see about that help. As a single man. Not your circus anymore.

Howshouldibehave · 08/08/2021 10:13

He now can’t remember the incident that only yesterday you both discussed with him saying, DH wasn't sorry at first and kept saying how I am imagining it and he just lightly threw the towel at me?!

And now he’s making it all about himself by threatening suicide?

I would be packing my bags today. Could you stay with your dad?

waheythisoneisfree · 08/08/2021 10:23

If you’ve shown him this thread it might be wise to name change otherwise he could continue to read your posts and inner thoughts. Stay safe x

frazzledasarock · 08/08/2021 10:25

There are courses; domestics violence intervention programmes.

Ex had to do one ordered by court, it lasted nine months, cost money and no guarantee it would work. The programme administrators also want that partners of men doing the programme are more at risk in the short run whilst their partner is doing the programme so you’d be allocated a case worker.

Ex failed his.

I would advise leaving anyone in a DV relationship, it’s just not worth the risk to your mental and physical safety.

IME once a line has been crossed that’s it, and perpetrators take their partner staying with them as signal they will get away with whatever abuse they dish out with no consequences.

You’re worth so much more than this. You deserve a calm happy life with your son away from the threat of abuse and violence.

I do think you should ask MN to delete this thread, change your username and start a fresh thread asking for help about what to do next.

frazzledasarock · 08/08/2021 10:27

Oh yes and ex also claimed he couldn’t recall being violent either. Apparently he has no recollection whatsoever.

He was and remains a big fat liar.

EarthSight · 08/08/2021 10:32

@NordicNell

I went to stay with my dad's and called a helpline last night. DH is full of remorse today and says he can't remember the episode but believes me now and is so scared about his own behaviour. He promised to get help but also talks about not being able to live with himself and will plan a suicide.
He promised to get help but also talks about not being able to live with himself and will plan a suicide

Don't go back. Please don't let him make you responsible for his life. I've heard of several women who say their abusive husbands threatened to kill themselves when they tried to leave. It's often another form of revenge or emotional imprisonment.

Live with himself?? If he doesn't want to live any more, that's entirely up to him OP - he needs to take responsibility for his own life and not expect your to come sunning with sympathy after he showed behaviour which he knew was threatening.

In your situation I might be calling the police and seeing if he needs to be sectioned my mental health if he sounds seriously depressed.

DoingItMyself · 08/08/2021 10:33

OP, you feel betrayed because you are.

But, you've been minimising his violent behaviour for years. 'A few pushes'? There shouldn't have been any.

So, now, stay away from him. Don't let his 'remorse' con you into thinking it will be ok. It won't. He has you where he wants you now, vulnerable, dependent, with a baby...you've seen who he is and you'd be a fool to let it go on.

EarthSight · 08/08/2021 10:37

he remembered it well enough yesterday when he was telling you that you remembered it wrong

This

@irishoak

Dwrcegin · 08/08/2021 11:54

@NordicNell

I just never thought I would be in this situation. Before I got pregnant we had scerak years of no fighting whatsoever and we were so in love. I always thought the throwing of a pillow years ago was a red flag and thought he was just testing his limits when being angry but would never ever actually hurt me. I feel so betrayed by him and I understand why it is so hard to leave someone who you love and have built a family with. I do wonder if there are ever cases where the man gets help and actually can change or if it's all over.
Youtube - Jane Monckton Smith. Abusers don't change. Any domestic violence or abuse it should ALWAYS be over.

I have to ask though, when you say fighting, do you mean arguing or actual fighting?

Bythemillpond · 08/08/2021 12:04

NordicNell

I went to stay with my dad's and called a helpline last night. DH is full of remorse today and says he can't remember the episode but believes me now and is so scared about his own behaviour. He promised to get help but also talks about not being able to live with himself and will plan a suicide

As someone who lived with a parent for 16 years and had contact for a further 5 years do not let your child any where near this person.
If this becomes a standard response to get someone to do something it will truly fuck with your child’s mind.
I must admit that I actually handed my mother a bottle of sleeping pills when she said it once too often and told her to get on with it.

She is still alive today and I probably have untreated cptsd which has been around for so long that it is part and parcel of my personality.

Eyesofdisarray · 08/08/2021 12:12

Your DH can't remember the episode??? Really??? Threatening suicide?
Don't believe him OP.
Manipulating -making it all about him

Binnaggy · 08/08/2021 12:31

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