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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New baby and stressed DH hit me with a towel

211 replies

NordicNell · 07/08/2021 09:42

DH and I have been together for 15 years. Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.

The past year we have had an immense amount of stress in our relationship. We went through difficult fertility treatments and were lucky enough to have a perfect little baby 5 months ago. I had a difficult birth with a c-section and the recovery has been hard. Our baby also had colic for the first 3 months and I was diagnosed with post natal depression with suicidal thoughts.

The stress has been a lot for my husband and he doesn't have a lot of support. He has become increasingly aggressive in our fights and yesterday it culminated in him taking a towel and lashing it at me to silence me when I was yelling at him to stop screaming infront of our baby. It hit my back where I have a previous lower back injury and it hurts so much still today, I'm worried it will lead to longer term issues. DH wasn't sorry at first and kept saying how I am imagining it and he just lightly threw the towel at me, even though it was more like a whip. Now he apologised but says we are over and he wants nothing to do with me and I'm crazy.

I am in complete shock and disbelieve. We have always been the best couple, can communicate really well and hardly ever fight. I don't know where we go from here. I would have never ever seen this coming. He is usually the most caring person but I don't think I can ever forget this incident and him deliberating wanting to hurt me in his rage. Will it get worse? What if he can't control his rage in the future and hurts our child? I know he has been pushed to his limits so is not himself at the moment, but would this happen to every man or does he have a problem?

OP posts:
WhiskeyGalore212 · 07/08/2021 16:00

*past the age of two or three

wewereliars · 07/08/2021 16:02

OP now you've shown him this thread, you need to name change ASAP.
He is NOT your friend.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 07/08/2021 16:04

The gas lighting calling op "crazy" is particularly nasty.

He's the one hitting a smaller weaker person who's been through a traumatic birth and the very tough time that is early babyhood; he could've walked away, he chose to lash out physically instead and is now lying about it, minimising it etc.

Kanaloa · 07/08/2021 16:05

Only the op doesn’t know he’s abusive. Anyone with half a brain knows that. When a man pushes/throws things at/hits a woman he’s in a relationship with that man is abusive. It’s a pretty clear cut situation.

frazzledasarock · 07/08/2021 16:05

@WhiskeyGalore212 no actually it’s not obvious to me at all.

I’m worried about OP. She will have placed herself in significant danger by sending her husband this thread.

Stop trying to be the thread police and swaggering around claiming you can see everything oh so clearly. You stop bullying me.

My post wasn’t bullying it was shocked because OP is being physically abused, she has a very young baby and needs to urgently get away and stay away from her abuser.

beastlyslumber · 07/08/2021 16:12

OP, please post somewhere if you can. You can change your name and MN will take down this thread if asked. Try to keep your phone away from your husband if you can. Is there a friend or family member you can stay with for a couple of days while you work out what to do? You don't have to make any final decisions, but get away from the immediate situation because it sounds very volatile.

dottypencilcase · 07/08/2021 16:13

Oh love, this is not okay and you know it's not which is why you've posted. He won't change- that defensiveness is a lifelong battle and him showing it speaks volumes. If you've got it in you to tackle it, do it. If not, leave.

dottypencilcase · 07/08/2021 16:14

Ps. Make sure you change your username for future threads so he can't stalk you on here.

EarthSight · 07/08/2021 16:19

He's pushed you a few times before, so this is not new behaviour. It is behaviour which you have minimised, either because he brainwashed you into it, or because you loved him, or because you were raised in that kind of environment and maybe you have done things like that in the past and you know no different.

Now he apologised but says we are over and he wants nothing to do with me and I'm crazy.

Charming. He acts like a twat and then makes out that you are the crazy one.

If you listen to a lot of abused women, they will tell you their abuse started or escalated when they had a baby, when they were the most vulnerable and dependant on their partner.

It's really not a good sign when a man pushes past or man-handles his female partner. Over the years they get a bit too used to doing it and the next step is slapping and direct contact, such elbowing. You've now experienced some of that and so in the next few year it may escalate again.

Why? Because you have already shown him you are the type of woman who will put up with what you've experienced so far, so now he doesn't have enough of an incentive to progress further.

The reaction to this kind of behaviour should be absolute fury. Sadly, at first a lot of women experience, shock, disbelief or distress but they are not quite as effective as galvanising them into action.

Your partner has already pretty much slapped you - he just used an object to do it instead. Tread carefully OP because I think there's a good chance this will escalate in time.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/08/2021 16:25

I’ve yelled at my dh but he’s never been violent to me in 16 years. He’s a lot bigger than me too so no it’s not all men, it’s him and all the other abusers:

Pushing you isn’t on.

SunshineCake · 07/08/2021 16:26

DH and I have been together for 15 years. Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.

Who has told you that everyone has small fights? I'm sure I'm not the only one to say that dh and I have never had any kind of fight nor have we pushed each other or thrown anything at each other. What he has done IS violent.

This relationship needs to be over. Today.

Babyroobs · 07/08/2021 16:27

Having a baby does make life hugely more stressful and put strain on even the best of relationships but it sounds like things haven't been that great in the past and now he has really crossed the line. He has said you are over and hopefully he will go quickly.

EarthSight · 07/08/2021 16:27

If you are the husband reading this, I think you both need to take a step back from this relationship. Your partner doesn't feel safe, so now you need to work on repairing that which could mean separation.

You might think all of this is terribly unjust. You might have minimised the situation in your head and think you only 'lightly' slapped her with the towel, but it doesn't really matter. You need to take responsibility that in anger, you grabbed an object, you physically tried to shut up your partner. It's not good. Don't push women in arguments - you know full well it's not fair and you wouldn't dare push a gym-going 6'5 man like that.

The price you pay for this is loss of trust I'm afraid. Women need to take it really seriously when their male partners behave like this because the cost of not doing so, the cost of getting it wrong is incredibly high for them.

Lunificent · 07/08/2021 16:28

You won’t change him by showing him this thread.

Dddccc · 07/08/2021 16:30

You are both toxic for each other and you don't scream and yell at each other and you don't hurt each other just separate before it affects the baby

beastlyslumber · 07/08/2021 16:35

You're toxic @Dddccc What a horrible and stupid thing to say.

Ignore the victim blaming comments OP. You've done nothing wrong.

SunshineCake · 07/08/2021 16:35

@NordicNell

Thanks everyone for your comments. I sent this thread to him, hoping that it will make him realise how his behaviour is very serious and not invented by me. He got very defensive, said that the message I wrote was completely one sided and continues to deny that he whipped me with the towel. It is true that I have also yelled at him several times and have been very difficult to be around. But seeing how many of you say that even when arguing none of your partners have been aggressive or violent makes me see how wrong his behaviour is. I wish he could see it too. I'm so sad for our daughter and really don't know what happens next, but this can't continue like this.
Big mistake to send this to him. Do not do that again. Start a new one with a new name. Get all your posts saying about him in the name on this current thread deleted.
toocold54 · 07/08/2021 16:36

An abusive relationship isn’t all punching and strangling. Many don’t have physical contact at all.

I always think would he do this to his friend, child, mum, grandma etc people who he cares about - if the answer is no then you know he has no respect for you and is treating you badly because you don’t do those type of things to people you love and respect.

I always think it’s best to not show people these threads as it’s meant to be a safe space where you can talk openly.
Yes it’s very one sided but if he wants to start a separate thread then he can but you shouldn’t tell anyone as once he knows he might get funny about you being on here.

Haffiana · 07/08/2021 16:38

Thanks everyone for your comments. I sent this thread to him, hoping that it will make him realise how his behaviour is very serious and not invented by me.

You are making the most common abused woman's mistake. You think that IF ONLY he REALISED how abusive he has been, that he will see the Light and immediately become remorseful and completely change his wicked ways.

It doesn't happen like that. This is him telling you who he is and you are not listening.

He KNOWS perfectly well he is abusive, and now he will go all out
A/ to persuade you it didn't happen or
B/ persuade you it was all your fault and that you 'made him' or
C/ promise you the earth that it will never happen again.

Actually, most likely he will do all three.

You of course will believe him and YOU will be the one making all the effort to manage his fucking temper for him. You have just taken Step One in doing exactly that. Can you see that?

Then you will be back on here in a week or three, with yet another incident, and be back to trying to make him 'realise' again.

What a DECENT man would do is leave you immediately, go into some very serious sustained counselling and therapy, and only actually contact you and his child again in a year or two if/when he has made sufficient progress with his anger management.

It won't happen though.

Fiddliestofsticks · 07/08/2021 16:39

This reply has been deleted

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Fernando072020 · 07/08/2021 16:41

"but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent"

Umm, op, this IS violence. 11 years together with my husband and he's never laid a finger on me. I'm sorry but this is totally unacceptable. You have a child now who is going to push your DH to his limits sometimes, is he going to lash out at your child too?

To make it worse, no remorse and blaming you by gaslighting and telling you "it wasn't that bad, you're overreacting" and breaking up with you. That's not normal behaviour

sadperson16 · 07/08/2021 16:45

Blimey please OP, get some proper professional help. Sending a thread doesn't seem the way to go.

gamerchick · 07/08/2021 16:46

You are not the best couple, he (and you to an extent) are minimising. This will only escalate.

Once a person gets away with violence, it becomes an option for them. I'm sorry OP but he needs dumped. It's not fair on a child to grow up trapped in this kind of environment.

Constellation89 · 07/08/2021 16:51

OP please listen to the previous posters on here as they have posted good advice and I agree with it all. This will escalate and for the your safety and that of your baby you need to get out of there.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 07/08/2021 16:51

He hit you so hard you were in pain the next day and he’s the one braking up with you? Classic narcissist behaviour. Basically he’s angry with you for pointing out what a dick he is.