New baby and stressed DH hit me with a towel

[NordicNell]

DH and I have been together for 15 years. Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.

The past year we have had an immense amount of stress in our relationship. We went through difficult fertility treatments and were lucky enough to have a perfect little baby 5 months ago. I had a difficult birth with a c-section and the recovery has been hard. Our baby also had colic for the first 3 months and I was diagnosed with post natal depression with suicidal thoughts.

The stress has been a lot for my husband and he doesn't have a lot of support. He has become increasingly aggressive in our fights and yesterday it culminated in him taking a towel and lashing it at me to silence me when I was yelling at him to stop screaming infront of our baby. It hit my back where I have a previous lower back injury and it hurts so much still today, I'm worried it will lead to longer term issues. DH wasn't sorry at first and kept saying how I am imagining it and he just lightly threw the towel at me, even though it was more like a whip. Now he apologised but says we are over and he wants nothing to do with me and I'm crazy.

I am in complete shock and disbelieve. We have always been the best couple, can communicate really well and hardly ever fight. I don't know where we go from here. I would have never ever seen this coming. He is usually the most caring person but I don't think I can ever forget this incident and him deliberating wanting to hurt me in his rage. Will it get worse? What if he can't control his rage in the future and hurts our child? I know he has been pushed to his limits so is not himself at the moment, but would this happen to every man or does he have a problem?

OP, I also suffered severe mental health issues after starting our family and at times was difficult to be around and our relationship was under huge pressure. Not once did my DH, who was super stressed by it all, lay a finger on me, gaslight me, or threaten me…he irritated me yes, and said some regrettable things in arguments, as did I. Had he shoved me or thrown a pillow at me, never mind whipped me with a towel, I wouldn’t be sitting here in our marital home today.

The fact that you have shown him this thread and he continues to accept responsibility for his actions tells me that the relationship that you deserve is well and truly over. Any relationship going forward will be unequal and on his terms and you and your DC will be at risk of physical and emotional abuse.

• continues to REFUSE to accept responsibility for his actions

I’m a bloke, and have had sole care of my son as a baby for extended periods. Worst I did was stubbed my toe when I was holding him and punched a wall in frustration. Even that was enough to precipitate my son to start crying, so I’ve not even let that kind of frustrated energy around my son ever since.

Not entirely sure it was wise to show him the thread - violent men only get worse, and it gives him ammunition to convince you you're making it up.

I do wonder sometimes if posters who are posting "my DH just hit me/smashed a window/threw things at my baby/says I'm a whore and he wishes I was dead" have any clue that a normal, healthy relationship is so very far removed from this.

Like, guess what - nothing gets smashed, no one cries, no one feels afraid, no one gets things thrown at them. It's like hanging out with a very nice, friendly lovely person, who is kind, and you smile a lot. Someone should make a video or something. Half the time I wonder if these DHs ever really had a pleasant day, or just bullied their way into these women's lives.

Oh god - run for the hills

Has he marked your back OP? In any case 101 asap.

Your poor baby growing up witnessing all this. You need to protect her.

Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent

Small fights aren’t normal. You’re minimising abuse. He is violent. What if it extends to your child? Are you going to chance finding out?

He has become increasingly aggressive in our fights
This does not match with this:

I am in complete shock and disbelieve. We have always been the best couple, can communicate really well and hardly ever fight

He is usually the most caring person

Come on. You are not the best couple, you fight. He is aggressive. He is not caring. Don’t tell me he’s also a ‘brilliant Dad’?

Op I'd suggest change your name, change all your passwords then start a new thread. You can't safely come back to this one now your partner has access to it. I hope you and your DC are safe.

@FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye that's the saddest part, isn't it? That the poor girl would grow up thinking "throwing cushions" and enraged shouting was all just perfectly normal. "small fights like everyone." They literally have no clue what a nice, safe relationship is like - whereas those lucky enough to be in decent ones might never see, or even imagine, what a bad one is like.

It’s not normal but neither of you are right to yell at each other either . Him whipping you was wrong. You need time about and fast. He needs to move out so you can both think about your future and What you want. Sounds horribly toxic.

He has said that you are over?

Thank goodness for that-he has already been violent before the towel incident!

You need out of this toxic relationship, keep safe and protect your baby.

Dear husband. You're an abusive cunt. Leave your wife alone and get therapy

It is a dangerous situation to be in, if your Husband shows anger, and does, and say things to you like he has, especially around a baby too.

I would separate, and decide what you wan't to do about this now. Things could escalate into something more extreme , if you are with a man with anger issues.

@CharlotteRose90

It’s not normal but neither of you are right to yell at each other either . Him whipping you was wrong. You need time about and fast. He needs to move out so you can both think about your future and What you want. Sounds horribly toxic.

I don’t think advice such as telling the OP to ‘make’ the DH move out are helpful, unless the house is solely in the OP’s name and she can afford to pay the housing costs. Many people are not in that situation.

They need to make proper affordable plans to separate.

@pinkflamingo21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oh my love, none of what you've described there happens in a healthy relationship. Ever. No pushing at all. No escalation. No regular 'heated arguments' and cross words. I promise that's not normal or acceptable.

He puts his hands on you in anger. The line between that and being struck is so tiny it is irrelevant. He puts his hands on you in anger. Decent men don't do that.

You're young and not tied to him much in the grand scheme. Imagine having a baby with a man who shoves you. What if he did it when you were holding the baby and you dropped it or it hit its head? What if the baby grew up thinking heated arguments are normal and you watched it grow into an adult that has abusive relationships?

At the stage you're in now, you can walk away relatively easily and unscathed.

Don't. Get. Pregnant. With. That. Man.

@pinkflamingo21

You're not pathetic, you're being abused and it means you can't think straight.

Do you have a close friend or a close family member you could tell what you've told us?

"When I argue with my boyfriend he always pushes me but I didn't think that this was abuse because he's not hitting me. Recently he grabbed my neck and told me he could kill me"

If not, please call Womens Aid and speak to them - say the same thing to them. They won't pressure you to do anything or make any immediate decisions. They will advise you and likely share with you that a man who has put his hands around his partner's neck is (I believe, when I last read the stats) six times more likely to murder her.

If you get out now, you'll look back on this relationship in a few years and be so proud of yourself. You don't deserve to be abused. Nobody does.

pinkflamingo grabbing your neck is seen as a huge red flag, by the police amongst others, and if he has done this you must leave as soon as it is safe.

He could easily kill you by grabbing you around the throat, whether he means to or not.

For anyone else who has had a man put their hands around their throat in anger:

In an article for the Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention, a 2008 study from the Journal of Emergency Medicine is cited. The study found that 43 percent of women who were murdered in domestic assaults, and 45 percent of the victims of attempted murder, had been strangled by their partner within the year before.
As the National Domestic Violence Hotline website points out, there isn’t a more potentially deadly form of domestic violence than strangulation. You can lose consciousness within seconds of strangulation, and death can happen in minutes. If you’re lucky enough to survive being strangled, the odds of your partner doing it again are ten times higher. And even if you survive non-deadly strangulation, the effects can certainly be permanent.

Ultimately, the study found that domestic violence strangulation is a significant predictor of attempted and completed murder. If you want to look at the numbers end of things, it statistically increases the odds by seven.

SEVEN times more likely.

@Howshouldibehave well it is being helpful as one of them needs to move out. This is a toxic relationship and will only get worse the longer they live together.

Over the years we have had some small fights like everyone but besides him pushing me few times or throwing pillows at me he hasn't been violent.

This is NOT normal. My h and I have never fought physically like this. Not in 25 years.

the towel hit my back where I have a previous lower back injury and it hurts so much still today, I'm worried it will lead to longer term issues

We have always been the best couple, can communicate really well and hardly ever fight.

Don't you see the problem here? You're saying that you've always fought but that you've never fought - that doesn't make sense.

But sounds like your h is getting more abusive and violent, and that's completely unacceptable around your baby and you.

I'd ask him to leave. This is not normal, and not a loving relationship.

[quote CharlotteRose90]@Howshouldibehave well it is being helpful as one of them needs to move out. This is a toxic relationship and will only get worse the longer they live together.[/quote]
I completely agree they need to separate and one needs to move out. Telling the OP that she must kick him out isn’t the same thing though.