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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

7 days and he hasn't reached out

148 replies

Bluenew · 05/08/2021 11:33

There was no argument I just felt he was becoming a bit flakey so I stepped back a bit. It was nothing serious, only been dating for 4 months but I really liked him and I miss him lots today. Day 7 of me not contacting him - putting the ball in his court , hoping he would contact me but nothing Sad.

How long should I go no contact?
Is there usually a time they would reach out by?
Should I reach out to him? What should I say?

OP posts:
VenusSap · 07/08/2021 21:21

Not when you are the one putting in 75% of the effort.

You will learn the hard way.

Selfishnelv · 07/08/2021 21:22

I’m gonna go out and say OP won’t listen to anything anyone has to say. Unless it’s validating her ideas of what this situation is

Monkeybusinesss · 07/08/2021 21:30

Oh op.
Make this the last chance if you insist. But honestly. No more after this.

BrilliantBetty · 07/08/2021 22:22

Don't know why you're bothering he hadn't bothered to get in touch for a week he can't be in to this.

Original poster
Bluenew · 07/08/2021 22:43

Don't know why you're bothering he hadn't bothered to get in touch for a week he can't be in to this

And vice versa he could've been thinking the same.

OP posts:
Monkeybusinesss · 07/08/2021 22:49

He wasn’t though
I mean I would love to be proved wrong/ long term
But I don’t think I will. Please don’t give him a third chance - trust me. I did and it did not end well.

ParistoLondon · 07/08/2021 22:51

@Monkeybusinesss

He wasn’t though I mean I would love to be proved wrong/ long term But I don’t think I will. Please don’t give him a third chance - trust me. I did and it did not end well.
This.
PolytheneRam · 07/08/2021 22:52

@Selfishnelv

I’m gonna go out and say OP won’t listen to anything anyone has to say. Unless it’s validating her ideas of what this situation is
This.
Hyly68 · 07/08/2021 22:56

@Bluenew - I don’t know why men do this, instead of just being honest. You could send one message saying something like ‘Hi, I hope everything is ok your end, I know I haven’t heard from you for a while, do you still want to keep in contact, or would you rather we left things as they were.’ If you don’t hear back from him after a few days, I’d block him and move on.

dustofneptune · 07/08/2021 22:58

Doesn't sound like he's in a place to have the kind of relationship you want right now. Even if that's casual meet ups. He's communicating that through his behaviour, and you're not listening, because it's nicer not to. We've all been there.

If you really want to communicate, then communicate. Tell him that you like him and would like to keep seeing him, but you get the impression he's not that interested. If he says "it's bad timing" or "I just have so much going on", then he wants out. Otherwise, you've opened up a line of communication.

Don't play games. Just leave it alone or address it directly. One or the other.

GertietheGherkin · 07/08/2021 23:10

These threads 🤔
A guy I was seeing, hasn't been in contact... Should I contact him?

No it might be best to leave it, he doesn't sound interested

But what if he is interested?

If he was interested he'd have been in touch!

Well I'm going to contact him

Why bother even starting the thread?

stellaisabella · 07/08/2021 23:53

Honestly op why did you start the thread? You've ignored all the advice 😂

GertietheGherkin · 08/08/2021 00:07

@stellaisabella

Honestly op why did you start the thread? You've ignored all the advice 😂
It's bizarre isn't it? 😂😂

Everytime these threads go the same way....
Sometimes they go one step further and blame MN'ers for them even starting the thread in the first place. 🤣

Peach01 · 08/08/2021 00:26

The fact he's had to be tested in a sense to see if he showed interest/noticed your absence (and failed) tells you all you need to know.

If you're finding yourself in this position at this stage OP then it's only going to continue that way. He knows now if he doesn't make any effort you'll still be there waiting/willing to see him.

And vice versa he could've been thinking the same
He hasn't given you any reason to think this. No point in making excuses for him.

When you contact him as a reaction to him not showing interest, you're making it easier to apply the same approach next time. It's hard when there's feelings involved but try not to give in next time, needs to be boundaries to weed out the ones who are wasting time.

smileandsmilessooooo · 08/08/2021 00:40

The thing is SOMEONE DIED so it's not normal circumstances, but hey even being lenient I would say this has to be his very last chance.

Anordinarymum · 08/08/2021 01:23

Thread only keeping going because OP keeps posting shite

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 08/08/2021 03:09

I would not bother contacting someone who hasn’t bothered to get in touch for 10 days. I’d well and truly assume that was it and move on , bereavement or not . If the guy genuinely had feelings he would get in touch to say something .
Something, anything but not nothing.

I guess it’s ok if Op is happy to chase after this guy and is happy with the occasional hook up, cos I’m guessing this is where this is headed

AgentJohnson · 08/08/2021 06:58

You are actually running after a totally disinterested man, just so that you can be his FWB ???

This

Nice pivot OP but we’re not buying it. Casual meet ups, pull the other one. You want a relationship and are prepared to settle with whatever crumbs he throws your way, just to remain in his orbit. Even if he was genuinely preoccupied with other stuff, doesn’t mean mean precedents aren’t being set for a totally unbalanced future dynamic.

Dating is the period when you asses if you are compatible with the other person and no, being in love is not a reliable indicator of compatibility.

Good luck but charmers like this can smell desperation at 100 paces and he will do just enough, to keep you hooked but not enough to make you content. Being constantly on the back foot and or waiting for the other shoe to drop, is no way to live. Why don’t you think you deserve better?

FlowerArranger · 08/08/2021 07:05

To update - I contacted him today and he was talking very affectionate towards me and we have arranged a date to meet up booty call.

Shock
OhDearMuriel · 08/08/2021 07:20

Don’t try and make up ridiculous excuses or justifications in your head about his non-action.

The bottom line is despite everything/anything going on in his life - if he was genuinely interested, wild horses wouldn’t keep him away,

You just don’t feature enough to him, so stop backing a loser.

PatchworkElmer · 08/08/2021 07:50

Oh OP 🤦🏻‍♀️

TheFoundations · 08/08/2021 10:34

@Bluenew

It doesn't but you were the one bleating how he wasn't giving you any signs of being interested

Yes he could be showing more interest but it is early days.

In which days does he need to show the level of interest you require?

Once you've been together a couple of years and he's had time to get to like you a bit more?

Wouldn't you prefer to be with someone who shows you the level of interest you want, rather than having to be excused from not doing, by something you've made up?

PizzaRegina · 09/08/2021 18:48

Any update OP? When is your... date...?

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